Why Loss Makes Me a Happier, Better Parent

(Written on September 2:)
You can really tell it’s September in SW Minnesota today. It’s an absolutely beautiful day, low 70’s, sun is shining, and a perfect slight breeze. But it’s the change in the air that means September. The just ever-so-slight change of a dry warmth over the more moist or humid warm that summer brings. And while I love the perfect days, and enjoy the feeling of slipping on a sweatshirt when the evenings and mornings are chilly and looking forward to pumpkin-spiced-everything, I can’t help but mourn the loss of summer. I’m never, ever ready for it to end. I was trying to explain the season change to my 3 year old Nathaniel today because he asked if we could go to the pool.  I told him it was closed because summer was almost over and he did not like that at all. In an effort to lift his spirits I told him that soon we’d be able to make piles of leaves to jump in and he was so excited. And then I told him winter comes next and in the winter it snows! “And then what do we do?” I asked. His eyes went to the side as he thought about it and got a big smile on his face, “make a snowman,” his eyes sparkling with excitement. “Yep,” I answered. “I’m going to make this many snowmans” he said, holding up 10 fingers.
His optimism was just the reminder I needed that even though I would miss summer, there was other joy to be found in the coming seasons. I remember reading an article on foster care that talked about the importance of loss. Many of us try to avoid loss as much as possible. Of course we don’t like it, it’s a very difficult and unpleasant thing so of course we would avoid it. But the article explained that loss is a part of life, and those that accept that and welcome situations where they expect loss to eventually occur instead of avoiding them are actually happier people. I was so happy for someone to put it into words like that because as foster parents we constantly hear “I could never do that,” or “how do you do it when they go back home?” like there’s something wrong with us for putting ourselves into situations where our hearts will inevitably be broken.
So why are we happier, the ones who supposedly suffer more because we experience more loss and heartache? I believe it’s because we love and live like today is our last day. I rarely ever know how many more days I will get to spend with a child. It could be just a day, it could be weeks, often it’s short notice when they are going to leave. And so I try so hard to fill every moment with every ounce of love and fun I can and I soak up every smile, laugh, hug and kiss. Of course we can’t live every day at an amusement park, but I can remind myself that the dishes can wait when the fireflies are out for chasing and the laundry won’t run away (even though I keep hoping) when someone wants to read 15 books in my lap. Is it absolutely terrible when they leave and I gave them a huge piece of my heart? Absolutely. I’m positive I’ve cried more tears than most my age, but I’m also pretty sure I’ve laughed and loved more than most too. The truth is, none of us are promised tomorrow with our children, but history of everyone waking up and living each day in our home has given us a false sense of security that tomorrow will be the same. Our blessing as foster parents is that we know all we are promised is today, and we make it count.

As our summer fades away I’m sure I’ll find myself wishing I had swam one more time, caught a few more fish or soaked in the warm sun just like after another child leaves I’ll find myself wishing I had taken one more hug or danced one more song because no matter what it’s never enough. But I won’t stay wishing for long, I’ll turn my face to the beauty of the new season that’s upon me and the children that are with me now and try to not miss a minute. Now, if you’ll excuse me, there’s a sleeping baby I need to be snuggling while I avoid the pile of dishes overtaking my kitchen. Maybe if they grow large enough they’ll come to life and cook me something for dinner.

Jesus said: "Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to your life?" Luke 12:25. Instead, just love, play, laugh...right now!

It's Time to Start Paying Attention

My brother-in-law was helping my husband with some chores around the yard last night and while he was trimming around our shed he cut down my sunflowers. It’s not his fault, he didn’t know. He wasn’t there when I planted them, hadn’t seen me watering them or stopping by them each day watching them grow. In honesty, I had thought to myself that they sure do look like weeds right now while they are young. They’ll be beautiful once they bloom, but right now they look like weeds. I’m sure I would have trimmed them too if I hadn’t been the one who had planted them.
I heard my husband tell my brother-in-law across the yard he had cut down the flowers and I started to cry. I planted those flowers with our foster children who recently went home. Every day I watched them grow thinking about how they would be taller than the kids now. Thinking how sad it was I couldn’t take their picture by them or that they will never see what the end result of what they planted. And a small part of me hoping that maybe those things would happen someday. But now, if the flowers were cut down, there would be no chance of that. I needed to come to terms with the fact that they aren't coming back. Those flowers meant a lot more to me than just a flower and I can’t be mad at my brother-in-law because he didn’t know but it doesn’t change the fact that they are gone.

Those flowers were just like my foster kids and just like so many people in the world. We don’t notice them. We go about our lives and we pass them off as weeds, not useful or in the wrong place at the wrong time. And often times, in our unobservant state, we cut people down without even realizing it. My brother-in-law would have never known had my husband not pointed it out. And while the unfortunate part to Him is that he’ll never see their beauty, to me He’s taken something I’ve worked so hard for. We planted them from seeds, watered those flowers for months, planted them in the ground and weeded and watered again and again. It brought me so much joy to see them grow each day. In Isaiah today it reads: “The Lord called me from birth, from my mother’s womb he gave me my name. He made of me a sharp-edged sword and concealed me in the shadow of his arm.” Is 49:1

My foster kids, my youth group teenagers, the elderly residents in the nursing home I used to work at, our children, they all fit in this category. Foster parents, youth workers, parents and most of all God spends weeks, months, lifetimes nurturing the potential and beauty they see. Far too often they are cut down before they ever have the chance to bloom. The end of the Isaiah verse today says: “I will make you a light to the nations, that my salvation may reach to the ends of the earth.”

I firmly believe that God has a beautiful plan for each of us to bloom in His time, but many of us need a lot of understanding and encouragement and nurturing to get there. As a foster parent, I see how important it is to see beyond the surface flaws to the beautiful potential that is often hidden. And I know probably far too often than I would like to know, I’ve been the one who cut someone else down out of my ignorance, misunderstanding or inattentiveness. So I’m asking you today to please join me in trying to pay more attention. I’m betting you encounter foster kids or so many others in need of understanding and nurturing almost every day but maybe don’t realize it, even within our own families. As I cried in my garden I thought of God feeling the same way about all of the work he puts into each one of us each time someone cuts them down. Let’s all please pay more attention. Together with Christ we can help them to become the “light to the nations” they were intended to be.

Note: As far as my sunflowers; when I went to look, some of them were spared :) and I told my poor brother-in-law his punishment would be public embarrassment via this blog.

Pick a Man who Treats You the Way You Want Your Kids to Treat You

Ladies, if you're husband shopping, the best advice I can give is pick a man who treats you the way you want your kids to treat you someday. Kids learn how to act by watching you, and far too many mothers I know think they can raise great kids while their husband teaches them bad habits. They're going to learn from both of you, and specifically they're going to learn how to treat you from the way your husband treats you.
Pick the guy that holds open doors, speaks to you kindly, prays with you and respects you. Go for the one that cleans up the dishes, makes you a priority with their time, holds your hand, says "I love you" often and gives you their coat when you're cold. Because if you think it's romantic and sweet when he does all those things just wait until your three year old holds open a door for you. My boys make me feel like a princess daily. My heart melts when I get ready to go out and my little boy says "You're beautiful Mom!" or when he takes his tiny little hands on each side of my face and gives me a kiss on the forehead. He wasn't born that way, but he learned from the best teacher. My husband is a great father in many other ways, but I know that the best thing he's done for our son is the way that he loves me. He's teaching him how to respect and honor women and how to be a great husband and father himself one day.
It's amazing how I was so blessed to have one person in the world who treated me this way, and now I have two.  You can too, just be picky and pick only the one that treats you like a princess. :) Have fun shopping!

Sometimes Life Isn't Fair: Why that's a Good Thing

Do you think I'll ever finish a cup of coffee before it gets cold again? Take a bite of a meal that's hot?  Or sit down to a meal at the beginning instead of when everyone is half finished? Go for a run without stopping to break up a fight in the jogging stroller, read a book in my hammock, finish a phone conversation when I want to, give a conversation my attention, use something nice without it getting broken...the list goes on and on. Today I was thinking these thoughts as I at my cold supper after 6 trips up from the table to get the kids more food, more milk, a trip to the potty with my 2 year old that's potty training, you get the picture. It's so easy for me to think of how life used to be and miss the luxuries I had. But today I was hit with the realization that actually it won't be long and I probably will get to finish my coffee while it's warm. Our two toddlers are leaving us next week and we'll go back to the much quieter life of raising one toddler. That's when I discovered how much I love cold coffee.
It's not fair, really, that they come and turn our life upside-down and test our patience and make us laugh and melt our hearts with their sweet, sweet smiles and the funny things that come out of their mouths. It's not fair that I got to hear him say his first long sentence, be sarcastic and make the cutest fake sleeping noise in the world. It's not fair that she finally trusts me, learned to pedal a bike after hours of practicing with her, and is so proud of herself for mastering the art of "going potty".  I guess what's really not fair is how many mom's and dad's get all of that and more with their kids every day and never appreciate it's significance. And I know when the day comes that I get to hug them for the last time and say goodbye forever, the only thing going through my mind is going to be "it's not fair." But God, that's when I really really need you to remind me that it really isn't fair.  It's really not fair that I got to be a part of their amazing little lives and experience the love and joy they brought me. I am blessed more than many. So for that, I am grateful: for the fact that I am once again reminded that we are never promised tomorrow and we MUST not miss the tiny moments that make this life so wonderful. It's easy for so many of us to look at our lives and feel we've had such a difficult road, a bad hand dealt, but if our hearts are open how many more blessings have we been given if only we take the time to notice? I've often hear it said those who have hurt a lot have loved a lot.
Father, help me to quit focusing on my cold coffee and instead see the blessings you've placed in front of me. 

Had to add this, read the gospel for today and it is so, so perfect for this post and what I'm going through right now:

Gospel jn 16:20-23
Jesus said to his disciples:
“Amen, amen, I say to you, you will weep and mourn,
while the world rejoices;
you will grieve, but your grief will become joy.
When a woman is in labor, she is in anguish because her hour has arrived;
but when she has given birth to a child,
she no longer remembers the pain because of her joy
that a child has been born into the world.
So you also are now in anguish.
But I will see you again, and your hearts will rejoice,
and no one will take your joy away from you.
On that day you will not question me about anything.
Amen, amen, I say to you,
whatever you ask the Father in my name he will give you.”

THANK YOU GOD FOR BEING SO GOOD TO ME! I know this pain will turn into joy soon :) and I love you!

My New Secret to being the Patient, Loving, Joyful Parent I want to be

I've said it a million times. Parenting is the hardest job I've ever had. I love my kids but there are so many days at the end of the day that I re-play my day and come up with a list a mile long of times I failed as a parent that day. I lost my temper to quickly with one child because I was already frustrated with another, I caused a fight by putting on the pants myself instead of letting her do it because we were running late. I missed a fun moment because I was responding to an email. The kids got bored and started pushing each other because I was sending a text message. I promised them we bake cookies after nap and then forgot to do it. I responded to bad behavior with anger instead of love. All those moments re-play every night. There are times by 4 o'clock I am just praying that my husband will be home soon to rescue me because I am really struggling. And there are many times at the end of the night I tell him "I'm just not good at this parenting thing." But right now he's in his busy season at work which means he works 18 hour days, leaves before the kids get up and doesn't get home until they (and usually me too) are sleeping. So, without him to lean on, I found myself in serious need of some help, and that's when I grabbed my rosary. Who better than to intercede for me that the greatest mother that ever lived? Where else can I learn patience than from meditating on the life of the most patient man that ever walked the face of the earth? So I decided I would pray one rosary every day to be a better parent. I try to start my day with the rosary, if the kids wake up to early then I pray it at nap-time. If they don't nap I pray it before I go to bed. It is amazing the affect it has had upon me as a parent.
I'm not good at this parenting thing, and I realized that's exactly why I'm being asked to be a parent and foster parent. I was good at my job, I was good at ministry. It came so easy for me, I had the skills for it. But so often, God calls us to things that we aren't good at, that we don't have the skills for, so that we learn to rely on him and allow Him to work. He can do far greater things through someone who hands their life over than through someone who is talented and doing it all themselves. And looking back I remember that when I first started ministry, I thought God was crazy for calling me to it, because I had no idea what I was doing. But I started every day, every event with the prayer: "I am your tool, please use me as you wish."
I know I can't do this without Him. I can't be the parent he needs to me to be, but He can through me if I let Him. The simple act of falling to my knees and asking desperately for help every day, that is my secret.
The rosary is an often misunderstood catholic devotion. One that I myself misunderstood for many years and therefore ignored and missed out on. While some say it's meaningless prayer to recite the same words over and over again, and others say we're worshiping Mary, all are mistaken. The rosary does involve praying the same words over and over again, many of which are taken directly from scripture. But the point of the rosary is to meditate on the mysteries which follow the life of Jesus Christ. The repetitive prayers are meant to be easy to say so that you can really think about the mystery. When I meditate on the birth of the king of the world into poverty or his scourging or cruxificion I find understanding and perspective on my own suffering. When I wrap my mind around the resurection, the coming of the holy spirit, and the ascension I am given so much hope.
The rosary has been such an important part of my life over the last few years. When I was suffering through the loss of my children, it was a way to pray when I couldn't possibly find any words to say. When I needed my God most but didn't feel like I could talk to Him, I found the connection in the rosary and it gave me the peace I was longing for.
My goal as a parent is to be more like Christ. I fail at that goal in one way or another daily, but with the help of meditating on his life and asking for the intercession of Mary daily, each day gets a little bit better.
Mary, please pray for me. You are an inspiration as a mother and I desire to be more like you and more like you're son. Please ask that I may have the grace to be the parent I need to be.

How are you celebrating Holy Week?

I've been a really bad parent at helping my kids understand Lent and Easter, but like any good procrastinator decided Holy Week would be a great time to start! So I did some googling/pintresting (those are words right?) and came across some great ideas. I'll share mine and if anyone else has any to share please do!

We made homemade pretzles on Monday (simple bread and water for fasting during lent) and talked about the pretzel being like arms folded in prayer. It was perfect because my kids love to do a big AMEN and wrap their arms around themselves like they are giving themselves a hug, looks just like the pretzel. So we did a lot of big "AMEN's"! Plus, they were tasty!

Saturday we are going to make Easter Story Cookies so I'm excited to see how that turns out, I will let you know! And Sunday I am planning on bringing the stuff to make Resurrection Rolls to my moms to make with my kids and my nephews.

I found all of these ideas and so many more good ones that we don't have time for on CatholicIcing.com If you are looking for good kids activities definitely check it out! If you click on the links above it will take you to those directions.

Have fun celebrating!

The "F" Word

Forgiveness is actually what I’m talking about. It raises the hair on the back of my neck. It’s one thing that I’ve always struggled with. Recently, I was reading the story of the woman who Jesus saved from being stoned to death and I felt him tugging on my heart about forgiveness. And the more I prayed and reflected on the story, the more I realized that forgiveness is the entire theme for lent. If we go through Lent and don’t understand the way we are forgiven we have missed the point. And if we don’t allow that realization to move us to forgive others then we really never got it in the first place.

Sure, I have forgiven many people that have hurt me. It’s easier when you can understand their point of view, or you grow spiritually or you even realize you were wrong too. But the ones I struggle with most are the ones that have hurt people I care about, like my parents, my kids, or even the church or the mission of Christ. Like when someone takes advantage of my parents generous hearts, or the parents of many of my foster kids who forget the beautiful gift they’ve been given and do so much damage to those little hearts, or the people in ministry that neglect their jobs or take advantage of the church.

 I attended Stations of the Cross a couple weeks ago and one of the stations reflected on the fact that Mary forgave the people who tortured and crucified her son. I had never thought about it before, but she walked beside them and watched them hurt not only her son but her God. I can’t imagine watching someone do that! She didn’t lash out, and in the end, she had to live the rest of her life alongside those people. She didn’t store up resentment or bitterness, but she forgave them. Wow. If she could do that, I know God is telling me I can forgive those that hurt Him and that hurt the people I care about. So I brought it into confession, I knew I had been wrong for holding on to those grudges, and I asked for forgiveness and then the priest did something I wasn’t expecting. When I got done telling God I was sorry for not forgiving he asked me: “are you able to forgive those people now?” Wait, what? It caught me off guard. I’m just realizing I’m sorry for it, I’m not sure I’m ready to actually forgive those people! But he was right; if I was really sorry I had to do it. And I will forever be indebted to that priest, because right there in that moment with the help of the grace of the Holy Spirit my heart changed, and I knew I was ready and I forgave them. And what a beautiful, beautiful feeling that is! I’ve been to confession many times, and every time you walk out feeling lighter, but I could have floated out of that confessional for the weight that was lifted off of my shoulders.

Granted, just like every sin, I’ll continue to struggle. I will need to remind myself daily of my choice to forgive them so I don’t slip back into it, but the freedom I get from it is so worth the struggle, as well as the joy I know my Father gets from it. As a parent of 3 toddlers right now, I don’t know how many times a day I ask “why can’t you guys just get along?” I spend most of the day breaking up fights over toys, snacks, who gets to swing first, you name it. There’s such joy in watching all three kids play nicely together. I know when I forgive, when I do my best to “play nicely” with my brothers and sisters here on earth, my Father in heaven can sit back and relax and look down and smile on us, and that’s all I need for it to be worth it.  There’s no greater joy than making Him proud. J