The "F" Word

Forgiveness is actually what I’m talking about. It raises the hair on the back of my neck. It’s one thing that I’ve always struggled with. Recently, I was reading the story of the woman who Jesus saved from being stoned to death and I felt him tugging on my heart about forgiveness. And the more I prayed and reflected on the story, the more I realized that forgiveness is the entire theme for lent. If we go through Lent and don’t understand the way we are forgiven we have missed the point. And if we don’t allow that realization to move us to forgive others then we really never got it in the first place.

Sure, I have forgiven many people that have hurt me. It’s easier when you can understand their point of view, or you grow spiritually or you even realize you were wrong too. But the ones I struggle with most are the ones that have hurt people I care about, like my parents, my kids, or even the church or the mission of Christ. Like when someone takes advantage of my parents generous hearts, or the parents of many of my foster kids who forget the beautiful gift they’ve been given and do so much damage to those little hearts, or the people in ministry that neglect their jobs or take advantage of the church.

 I attended Stations of the Cross a couple weeks ago and one of the stations reflected on the fact that Mary forgave the people who tortured and crucified her son. I had never thought about it before, but she walked beside them and watched them hurt not only her son but her God. I can’t imagine watching someone do that! She didn’t lash out, and in the end, she had to live the rest of her life alongside those people. She didn’t store up resentment or bitterness, but she forgave them. Wow. If she could do that, I know God is telling me I can forgive those that hurt Him and that hurt the people I care about. So I brought it into confession, I knew I had been wrong for holding on to those grudges, and I asked for forgiveness and then the priest did something I wasn’t expecting. When I got done telling God I was sorry for not forgiving he asked me: “are you able to forgive those people now?” Wait, what? It caught me off guard. I’m just realizing I’m sorry for it, I’m not sure I’m ready to actually forgive those people! But he was right; if I was really sorry I had to do it. And I will forever be indebted to that priest, because right there in that moment with the help of the grace of the Holy Spirit my heart changed, and I knew I was ready and I forgave them. And what a beautiful, beautiful feeling that is! I’ve been to confession many times, and every time you walk out feeling lighter, but I could have floated out of that confessional for the weight that was lifted off of my shoulders.

Granted, just like every sin, I’ll continue to struggle. I will need to remind myself daily of my choice to forgive them so I don’t slip back into it, but the freedom I get from it is so worth the struggle, as well as the joy I know my Father gets from it. As a parent of 3 toddlers right now, I don’t know how many times a day I ask “why can’t you guys just get along?” I spend most of the day breaking up fights over toys, snacks, who gets to swing first, you name it. There’s such joy in watching all three kids play nicely together. I know when I forgive, when I do my best to “play nicely” with my brothers and sisters here on earth, my Father in heaven can sit back and relax and look down and smile on us, and that’s all I need for it to be worth it.  There’s no greater joy than making Him proud. J