The Infertility Post No One Wants to Read

My husband and I have been married for 6 years, in that time we have lost 5 children. We’ve spent thousands of dollars on tests, surgeries, doctor’s appointments, and medications. We’ve lived on a roller coaster of emotions from joy after months spent trying to get pregnant yielded 2 pink lines, to the worry when things started to go wrong, and the complete devastation at the loss of a child, and worst of all the helpless feeling when my child was dying inside of me and there was nothing I could do.

To tell you more details would be a book, one that is still being written, but I felt the need to post this brief version because I feel it’s something that’s missing on the internet about infertility. So, here it goes:

When my husband and I wanted to start a family and we were met with such disappointment and pain, it led to me being very bitter and jealous. After losing our 3^rd child it’s safe to say that I “hated” pregnant women. ALL pregnant women everywhere. I didn’t feel any of them were as deserving as my husband and I were, and especially the ones close in our families it was very difficult to see them blessed with children while it was so hard for us to get pregnant, and then when we did it felt like we were being tortured because we had to watch them all die.

 I heard a priest say once that envy is admiring something someone else has and wishing you had it too, but jealousy is not wanting them to have it either because you don’t have it. It’s a deadly sin and I was so guilty. I didn’t think that they should have children because I couldn’t either. I know it sounds horrible and I would love to keep those terrible thoughts to myself so you don’t think less of me, but I want you to understand the horrible place you can let infertility take you too.

A very close family member’s unexpected pregnancy announcement was the last straw for me. I was so angry at them and so angry at God for “doing this to me”. But as I was praying for help to get through this I suddenly realized, “when did I get like this?” When did I become this terrible person that wished infertility on others, that thought since I can’t have it neither can they? Most importantly, when did I decide that I had to have children to be happy? A long time ago I placed my life in God’s hands, no matter where he was leading me I trusted that his plan would bring me the most the most joy. And time and time again He had proven that to me. But once I got married I guess I kind of quit asking him for direction and just decided that kids were the only thing that was going to make me happy. And that is the problem with infertility. When you’re told you can’t have something you just want it more than ever. And so many of us when faced with an obstacle will do whatever it takes to get it, and we won’t be happy until we do. And we forget that someone who loves us more than anyone else on the planet has a plan for us to be happy, if we would just put our lives in his hands. It’s not just couples struggling with infertility that struggle with this, it’s single people that want to be married, married people that want to be single, poor people that want to be rich, the list goes on and on. The beauty of it all is that if we can just get over the “poor me’s” and trust where he’s leading us, I promise we will always find the greatest joy that life holds.

So I titled this post the one “nobody wants to read” because it’s true. When I was struggling with infertility or something else difficult I just wanted to feel sorry for myself and I wanted the rest of the world to too. I found all kinds of infertility blogs to share my sorrow and we could all try to charge forward and get what we wanted together. And maybe if I had read a post like this I wouldn’t have listened anyway, but I do feel that so many infertility articles and posts did me a disservice because they played right into my game of getting what I wanted.

So here’s my contribution, what I want to say to everyone I meet that’s struggling with infertility but don’t have the guts to. It’s time to let go of what YOU want and start asking what HE wants for you. Probably, you’re missing out on a whole lot of great gifts waiting for you while you’re sitting there sulking about the one you didn’t get. A perfect example: while I was praying and praying for kids I was blessed with 10 nieces and nephews and 8 godchildren, that's a crazy lot of kids! All those times I was angry at God for “hurting” me by allowing my close friends and family to get pregnant like he was rubbing it in or something. Now it’s easy to see he was answering my prayers by surrounding me with the babies I longed for.

I think a lot of people go through infertility, jump through hoops of fire and spend a million dollars and finally get the child they want, and maybe they will be happy because they got what they wanted. But maybe there is a much greater joy that’s waiting, if only they could trust their Father. I’m praying for each of you reading this that you can trust him enough to follow Him into the scary and unknown place he’s leading you. It won’t be easy, but you won’t be disappointed.

 

*A final note, for any family or friends reading this: I am deeply sorry for hating you while you were pregnant. Please know I love you and your children and consider you one of the greatest blessings in my life. I’m so sorry for any hurt I ever caused you while I was being self-centered.

The Trouble with Blogging

I recently read a blog post from a pastor/writer about his and his wife's struggle with infertility. And while there were some good points in the blog and I'm sure others struggling with infertility could relate to some of the emotions he was sharing, it was misleading and I was reminded of the trouble of blogging. Some great advice was given to me when I started ministry about sharing testimonials. Its always advised that you don't share about something that you are currently struggling with, it should be something from the past. This is because you have had time to see the outcome and the full lesson. When you are in the midst of something God's plan hasn't fully been revealed to you or you are still processing the information. When you share about it before it's over you risk sharing something false, that you'll later have to retract. But when sharing at a retreat there's a good chance you won't see those people again, and for sure with the thousands or millions of people a blog can reach, you may never un-do the damage you have done by speaking falsely. Blogging is so instant, and so often people use it as an outlet when struggling with something, especially with infertility. I know I have read quite a few infertility blogs and with it read so many pieces of advice that have been given out that are only making things worse for those that are struggling. I will give them a little grace because they are infertility blogs and I take them as a form of online journals and hopefully others see them that way too. But this blog was from a pastor who had quite a large following of people who are looking to him for spiritual guidance. It's a good reminder for me of the importance of every word I put on-line. Each sentence can impact someones life for the better or for the worse. I pray that the words I write may be exactly what people need to hear and never lead them down the wrong path.

If you'd like my thoughts on infertility, watch for a post soon. I want to prayerfully consider it before it's posted. :)

All In

There are so many parts of my Catholic faith that I often take for granted because they have become so normal to me. Like breathing, it's so essential to our life, but we fail to think about it until we're under water and can't. Once we're swimming we have to plan our breaths, it's really all we think about. If we forget, we die. So we don't forget, we make it our central focus.

Baptism is one of those things that was always around. I witnessed a lot of them, it was just a normal thing that every baby went through the motions of. We've seen it done a hundred times, they poor the water, say the words, make the sign of the cross, etc. I came across a YouTube video a few years ago that opened my eyes to recognize the beauty of baptism. A pastor was doing some full immersion baptisms. He was standing in water up to his chest in a clear tub and the teens and adults being baptized were getting into the tub one by one and then of course he would do the normal thing, tip them back under the water, say the words...all pretty standard. But then, he motions for the next person to get in, and before he can even look at them, here comes a 12 year old that cannonballs into the tub. He got some huge laughs from the people and luckily the pastor had a sense of humor too.

It just really struck me, that kid knew what he was doing. Baptism is all about giving your WHOLE life to God. We can't hold anything back, we have to go ALL IN. None of this dip your toe in or just dangling your feet in or even wade in slowly while your body adjusts to the water temperature. Jesus asks for all of us. It's a cannonball, there's no turning back when you realize the water is cold, you committed to it the moment your feet left the ground. And now, every day when we make the sign of the cross we sign ourselves as belonging to Him, we recommit to the mission He's called us to. I need a reminder of that, when I start just going through the motions, that I need to stay focused on Him. In order to commit to Him it means I have to leave the "safe" stuff behind - let my feet leave the ground. And remember that He is my source of life on this earth, and I have to keep focused on Him every day and keep re-committing to him every day. My life depends on it.

I'll leave you with a beautiful mission from the first reading today...remember - ALL IN - what's he calling you to today?

"Thus says the LORD:
Here is my servant whom I uphold,
my chosen one with whom I am pleased,
upon whom I have put my spirit;
he shall bring forth justice to the nations,
not crying out, not shouting,
not making his voice heard in the street.
a bruised reed he shall not break,
and a smoldering wick he shall not quench,
until he establishes justice on the earth;
the coastlands will wait for his teaching.

I, the LORD, have called you for the victory of justice,
I have grasped you by the hand;
I formed you, and set you
as a covenant of the people,
a light for the nations,
to open the eyes of the blind,
to bring out prisoners from confinement,
and from the dungeon, those who live in darkness." Is 42 1-4, 6-7

The True Magic of Christmas

"The anointing that you received from Him remains in you, so that you do not need anyone to teach you. But his anointing teaches you about everything and is true…” 1 John 2:27

My favorite name for Jesus is Emmanuel, which means God with us. In life we have so many ups and downs, joys, heartbreaks, triumphs, sorrows and sometimes life is just the same and gets monotonous. It can feel like that after Christmas, we take down the decorations and lights, the parties are all over and we settle back into "normal" life. But the TRUE magic of Christmas is that when Christ came, he never left. Long after the lights turn off and the last gift is opened, Christ remains. Sometimes the season of Christmas being over can almost feel like going back to the real world after a retreat. You had this great experience and now you have to learn how to continue to keep that energy and relationship going in a much less safe and easy environment. We won't have daily reminders to keep focused on Him, and the next month won't be all about leading up to one special day to celebrate Him. But if we can just let His name "Emmanuel" echo in our hearts, hopefully we can take advantage of His presence with us everywhere we go, helping us, guiding us through everything we encounter, good, bad and boring alike. God with us.

The Gift that Keeps Giving

“I made known to them your name and I will make it known, that the love with which you loved me may be in them and I in them.” John 17:26

Recently, my brother-in-law, who is the jokester, of the family gave 3 pet rabbits to his younger sister as a gift. This of course meant that my mother and father-in-law got 3 new pets to take care of that they didn’t ask for or want. I think they have been pretty great sports about the whole situation as they made a cage and continue to keep and feed the “unwanted” pets. A few days before Christmas, they went to the cage only to find their 3 rabbits had been joined by 7 tiny baby bunnies! The kids were overjoyed! Their parents had a different sentiment. As outsiders not affected by the situation we could simply smile and say, “It’s the gift that keeps giving!” (and pray our son doesn’t get a baby bunny for his birthday as our punishment for mocking the situation.)
Lucky for us, we received a gift more than 2000 years ago that keeps giving: Jesus Christ. He walked on earth with us, and now the Holy Spirit is with us everywhere we go. He lives in us and beauty of it all is the more we share Him with others, the more joy and love we receive in return. The true “gift that keeps giving.”

Here's a photo of our advent calendar with most* of our Christmas cards, a good visual of how when we give our love away it's returned to us times 10!

 

I pray that you’ll take advantage of the opportunities that are placed in front of you to love others and let his love and peace continue to multiply in your heart and theirs.

*Thanks to everyone who sent us cards, I absolutely love this time of year, it's so fun to get the mail and there's more than just bills! I took this before Christmas so we're still getting a few straggler cards which I love because it prolongs the fun!