I've said it a million times. Parenting is the hardest job I've ever had. I love my kids but there are so many days at the end of the day that I re-play my day and come up with a list a mile long of times I failed as a parent that day. I lost my temper to quickly with one child because I was already frustrated with another, I caused a fight by putting on the pants myself instead of letting her do it because we were running late. I missed a fun moment because I was responding to an email. The kids got bored and started pushing each other because I was sending a text message. I promised them we bake cookies after nap and then forgot to do it. I responded to bad behavior with anger instead of love. All those moments re-play every night. There are times by 4 o'clock I am just praying that my husband will be home soon to rescue me because I am really struggling. And there are many times at the end of the night I tell him "I'm just not good at this parenting thing." But right now he's in his busy season at work which means he works 18 hour days, leaves before the kids get up and doesn't get home until they (and usually me too) are sleeping. So, without him to lean on, I found myself in serious need of some help, and that's when I grabbed my rosary. Who better than to intercede for me that the greatest mother that ever lived? Where else can I learn patience than from meditating on the life of the most patient man that ever walked the face of the earth? So I decided I would pray one rosary every day to be a better parent. I try to start my day with the rosary, if the kids wake up to early then I pray it at nap-time. If they don't nap I pray it before I go to bed. It is amazing the affect it has had upon me as a parent.
I'm not good at this parenting thing, and I realized that's exactly why I'm being asked to be a parent and foster parent. I was good at my job, I was good at ministry. It came so easy for me, I had the skills for it. But so often, God calls us to things that we aren't good at, that we don't have the skills for, so that we learn to rely on him and allow Him to work. He can do far greater things through someone who hands their life over than through someone who is talented and doing it all themselves. And looking back I remember that when I first started ministry, I thought God was crazy for calling me to it, because I had no idea what I was doing. But I started every day, every event with the prayer: "I am your tool, please use me as you wish."
I know I can't do this without Him. I can't be the parent he needs to me to be, but He can through me if I let Him. The simple act of falling to my knees and asking desperately for help every day, that is my secret.
The rosary is an often misunderstood catholic devotion. One that I myself misunderstood for many years and therefore ignored and missed out on. While some say it's meaningless prayer to recite the same words over and over again, and others say we're worshiping Mary, all are mistaken. The rosary does involve praying the same words over and over again, many of which are taken directly from scripture. But the point of the rosary is to meditate on the mysteries which follow the life of Jesus Christ. The repetitive prayers are meant to be easy to say so that you can really think about the mystery. When I meditate on the birth of the king of the world into poverty or his scourging or cruxificion I find understanding and perspective on my own suffering. When I wrap my mind around the resurection, the coming of the holy spirit, and the ascension I am given so much hope.
The rosary has been such an important part of my life over the last few years. When I was suffering through the loss of my children, it was a way to pray when I couldn't possibly find any words to say. When I needed my God most but didn't feel like I could talk to Him, I found the connection in the rosary and it gave me the peace I was longing for.
My goal as a parent is to be more like Christ. I fail at that goal in one way or another daily, but with the help of meditating on his life and asking for the intercession of Mary daily, each day gets a little bit better.
Mary, please pray for me. You are an inspiration as a mother and I desire to be more like you and more like you're son. Please ask that I may have the grace to be the parent I need to be.
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