My New Secret to being the Patient, Loving, Joyful Parent I want to be

I've said it a million times. Parenting is the hardest job I've ever had. I love my kids but there are so many days at the end of the day that I re-play my day and come up with a list a mile long of times I failed as a parent that day. I lost my temper to quickly with one child because I was already frustrated with another, I caused a fight by putting on the pants myself instead of letting her do it because we were running late. I missed a fun moment because I was responding to an email. The kids got bored and started pushing each other because I was sending a text message. I promised them we bake cookies after nap and then forgot to do it. I responded to bad behavior with anger instead of love. All those moments re-play every night. There are times by 4 o'clock I am just praying that my husband will be home soon to rescue me because I am really struggling. And there are many times at the end of the night I tell him "I'm just not good at this parenting thing." But right now he's in his busy season at work which means he works 18 hour days, leaves before the kids get up and doesn't get home until they (and usually me too) are sleeping. So, without him to lean on, I found myself in serious need of some help, and that's when I grabbed my rosary. Who better than to intercede for me that the greatest mother that ever lived? Where else can I learn patience than from meditating on the life of the most patient man that ever walked the face of the earth? So I decided I would pray one rosary every day to be a better parent. I try to start my day with the rosary, if the kids wake up to early then I pray it at nap-time. If they don't nap I pray it before I go to bed. It is amazing the affect it has had upon me as a parent.
I'm not good at this parenting thing, and I realized that's exactly why I'm being asked to be a parent and foster parent. I was good at my job, I was good at ministry. It came so easy for me, I had the skills for it. But so often, God calls us to things that we aren't good at, that we don't have the skills for, so that we learn to rely on him and allow Him to work. He can do far greater things through someone who hands their life over than through someone who is talented and doing it all themselves. And looking back I remember that when I first started ministry, I thought God was crazy for calling me to it, because I had no idea what I was doing. But I started every day, every event with the prayer: "I am your tool, please use me as you wish."
I know I can't do this without Him. I can't be the parent he needs to me to be, but He can through me if I let Him. The simple act of falling to my knees and asking desperately for help every day, that is my secret.
The rosary is an often misunderstood catholic devotion. One that I myself misunderstood for many years and therefore ignored and missed out on. While some say it's meaningless prayer to recite the same words over and over again, and others say we're worshiping Mary, all are mistaken. The rosary does involve praying the same words over and over again, many of which are taken directly from scripture. But the point of the rosary is to meditate on the mysteries which follow the life of Jesus Christ. The repetitive prayers are meant to be easy to say so that you can really think about the mystery. When I meditate on the birth of the king of the world into poverty or his scourging or cruxificion I find understanding and perspective on my own suffering. When I wrap my mind around the resurection, the coming of the holy spirit, and the ascension I am given so much hope.
The rosary has been such an important part of my life over the last few years. When I was suffering through the loss of my children, it was a way to pray when I couldn't possibly find any words to say. When I needed my God most but didn't feel like I could talk to Him, I found the connection in the rosary and it gave me the peace I was longing for.
My goal as a parent is to be more like Christ. I fail at that goal in one way or another daily, but with the help of meditating on his life and asking for the intercession of Mary daily, each day gets a little bit better.
Mary, please pray for me. You are an inspiration as a mother and I desire to be more like you and more like you're son. Please ask that I may have the grace to be the parent I need to be.

How are you celebrating Holy Week?

I've been a really bad parent at helping my kids understand Lent and Easter, but like any good procrastinator decided Holy Week would be a great time to start! So I did some googling/pintresting (those are words right?) and came across some great ideas. I'll share mine and if anyone else has any to share please do!

We made homemade pretzles on Monday (simple bread and water for fasting during lent) and talked about the pretzel being like arms folded in prayer. It was perfect because my kids love to do a big AMEN and wrap their arms around themselves like they are giving themselves a hug, looks just like the pretzel. So we did a lot of big "AMEN's"! Plus, they were tasty!

Saturday we are going to make Easter Story Cookies so I'm excited to see how that turns out, I will let you know! And Sunday I am planning on bringing the stuff to make Resurrection Rolls to my moms to make with my kids and my nephews.

I found all of these ideas and so many more good ones that we don't have time for on CatholicIcing.com If you are looking for good kids activities definitely check it out! If you click on the links above it will take you to those directions.

Have fun celebrating!

The "F" Word

Forgiveness is actually what I’m talking about. It raises the hair on the back of my neck. It’s one thing that I’ve always struggled with. Recently, I was reading the story of the woman who Jesus saved from being stoned to death and I felt him tugging on my heart about forgiveness. And the more I prayed and reflected on the story, the more I realized that forgiveness is the entire theme for lent. If we go through Lent and don’t understand the way we are forgiven we have missed the point. And if we don’t allow that realization to move us to forgive others then we really never got it in the first place.

Sure, I have forgiven many people that have hurt me. It’s easier when you can understand their point of view, or you grow spiritually or you even realize you were wrong too. But the ones I struggle with most are the ones that have hurt people I care about, like my parents, my kids, or even the church or the mission of Christ. Like when someone takes advantage of my parents generous hearts, or the parents of many of my foster kids who forget the beautiful gift they’ve been given and do so much damage to those little hearts, or the people in ministry that neglect their jobs or take advantage of the church.

 I attended Stations of the Cross a couple weeks ago and one of the stations reflected on the fact that Mary forgave the people who tortured and crucified her son. I had never thought about it before, but she walked beside them and watched them hurt not only her son but her God. I can’t imagine watching someone do that! She didn’t lash out, and in the end, she had to live the rest of her life alongside those people. She didn’t store up resentment or bitterness, but she forgave them. Wow. If she could do that, I know God is telling me I can forgive those that hurt Him and that hurt the people I care about. So I brought it into confession, I knew I had been wrong for holding on to those grudges, and I asked for forgiveness and then the priest did something I wasn’t expecting. When I got done telling God I was sorry for not forgiving he asked me: “are you able to forgive those people now?” Wait, what? It caught me off guard. I’m just realizing I’m sorry for it, I’m not sure I’m ready to actually forgive those people! But he was right; if I was really sorry I had to do it. And I will forever be indebted to that priest, because right there in that moment with the help of the grace of the Holy Spirit my heart changed, and I knew I was ready and I forgave them. And what a beautiful, beautiful feeling that is! I’ve been to confession many times, and every time you walk out feeling lighter, but I could have floated out of that confessional for the weight that was lifted off of my shoulders.

Granted, just like every sin, I’ll continue to struggle. I will need to remind myself daily of my choice to forgive them so I don’t slip back into it, but the freedom I get from it is so worth the struggle, as well as the joy I know my Father gets from it. As a parent of 3 toddlers right now, I don’t know how many times a day I ask “why can’t you guys just get along?” I spend most of the day breaking up fights over toys, snacks, who gets to swing first, you name it. There’s such joy in watching all three kids play nicely together. I know when I forgive, when I do my best to “play nicely” with my brothers and sisters here on earth, my Father in heaven can sit back and relax and look down and smile on us, and that’s all I need for it to be worth it.  There’s no greater joy than making Him proud. J

Stand Up Straight

This year for lent on the suggestion of a LifeTeen article of weird things to give up or do for Lent, I chose "standing up straight." Anyone who knows me knows I am a terrible sloucher. My mother tried with constant "stand up straight's" throughout my childhood but it never met with much more than eye rolling and pulling my shoulders back for a few seconds to make her happy. So, I decided this might be just the challenge I need. Well, "challenge" is the perfect word. This has by far been the hardest thing I've ever done for lent. I'm constantly realizing that I'm slouching and correcting my posture. It's definitely doing it's job getting me thinking about God throughout the day as I'm sure I'm correcting myself more than 20 times a day. After the first day my back was sore from using muscles I wasn't used too and some days it's just really hard to stand up straight when I'm really tired.
Today, I was having an extra tough time standing up straight and thought to myself how this really has been one of the worst times to have taken on this challenge. I've been sick, like the full-on FLU sick, THREE times during lent already! THREE! We added two new toddlers to our then one-toddler house hold (that's a total of THREE if you lost count) so I am more exhausted than I've ever been. And today we lost our sixth child to miscarriage. Today, and a lot of days during this lent, but especially today, I didn't want to stand up straight. And when I thought about correcting myself part of me wanted to say "can't I just get a free pass today God?" What I really wanted to do when I got off the phone with the nurse with my lab results was curl up in a ball in my bed for the rest of the day and cry, not stand up straight. But all three toddlers were up from their nap and I had promised we'd go outside and blow bubbles. So I stood up straight and out we went. Well ok, thirty minutes later after herding all the kids into the entry way, tracking down all the coats, shoes and hats, chasing at least two back into the entry way after their escape, putting hats on for the third time, THEN out we went. And when I stepped out the door I was met with a wonderful surprise: it was beautiful weather! Here in Minnesota we've had a cold winter that just never seems to end. We just got a few inches of snow last night, and this morning the ground was covered with ice and snow. But by this afternoon it was calm and sunny, the snow had mostly melted and it was light jacket weather. I sat on the deck blowing bubbles with the kids, watching them splash in the puddles and just soaked in the warm sunshine. I wish I could share the beautiful view I had from my deck this afternoon that made me realize why it was so important to God that I chose to stand up straight this Lent. See what I would be missing if I was in bed? And not just what I would be missing today. Today is my son's third birthday. It's amazing to think of the blessing he has been to us and all of the joy he has brought us. I am so very glad we chose to quit sulking and stand up to the challenge God was facing us with when we agreed to take care of him. I didn't think I had the strength to do what I was being asked then, and I know I don't have the strength to stand up straight on a day like today and that is one of the things I love most about my God. "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in your weakness." 2 Cor 12:9 Thank you, thank you, thank you for making me strong when I am weak and helping me see the joy over the sorrow.

Stay Long Enough to Find Jesus

I often read the "Word Among Us" daily catholic devotions that follow the daily Mass readings. Today, one line was all I needed. It was a reflection on the commandment to love others as you love God, and the passage where Jesus says "just as you did for the least of these you have done for me."
I am a huge believer that there is good in every person, we just have to look harder to find it in some than we do in others. And it is what we look for that we will find. So if we are looking for flaws we will often miss the good completely. I love hearing people's stories. If I could spend all day just listening to life stories I would be content. There is so much greatness, and so much to be learned, and the more I learn, the more I see Jesus, see that goodness, and come to love others. But at a distance it is easy to dislike or even hate people. When we don't know them or their stories we can easily label them or use a specific thing to tell ourselves they are a "bad" person.
Today, the devotion said, "stay long enough to find Jesus". A great challenge for us all, when we are struggling to find the good in someone then that must be a person that needs us to try harder. Spend more time with them, ask more questions, share more of ourselves so that they will share themselves. Never giving up, and always staying long enough to find Jesus. :)

Our Lives are in Your Hands

One of the song that our church praise band often sings has the chorus of "our lives are in your hands" (Landry). There are times when I sing that song and it's a comforting and peaceful chorus to sing, and then there are times when it's more reluctant or scary. I always have to catch myself when I get that "scared" feeling and question why I am feeling that way. Am I losing trust in my God? Do I not believe that in His hands is the best place for my life to be? I do the same thing every time I pray the Lord's Prayer, that line "thy will be done, on earth as it is in heaven." Sometimes we say that line and wince a little bit wondering just what pain, suffering and struggle it will bring. But if that's our reaction, it means it's time to do a little looking into our relationship with God.

Being in foster care we've done a lot of learning about attachment disorder. This brief explanation won't do it justice but just a snapshot: Basically humans learn how to trust and develop relationship in their very earliest years of life. As infants they cry when they have needs (hungry, wet, etc), their needs are met (they get fed and changed), therefore they learn to trust their caregivers. As they grow older they learn to give and receive love and that they can count on their caregivers being there for them. When this does not happen, children can suffer from attachment disorder. They learn that their needs won't be met, that they can't trust their caregivers to meet their needs or always be there for them. Therefore they push away anyone who tries to care for them because they don't trust them and don't want to have to rely on anyone.

It seems ridiculous to us as adults that only want to help this child, but in their minds no one can be trusted. Everyone has let them down or hurt them, they are better off doing it themselves.
I took a 2 year old swimming once and while she was wearing a life jacket, she was still only two years old and not so great at keeping herself balanced to keep her head above water. She would be ok for a while and then her weight would shift and she'd be thrashing and struggling to stay above. She'd go through this cycle over and over. Each time I would reach out to hold her or help her stay up, she would push me away and say "get away from me". She wouldn't even let me hold on to the strap of her life jacket. Most 2 year olds after dipping their head under water would cling to their parents. It seemed she would rather have struggled and even drowned than let me help her.

Doesn't that picture look a little familiar to us though? I think it seems sometimes like we all suffer from attachment disorder with our God. We have all been in that place in our life where we are struggling to keep our head above water or maybe we feel like we are drowning. Why do we push away the only one who can help us? Maybe it's because some where along the way we believed the lie that God let us down. That he wasn't there for us when we needed him. Maybe we think He hurt us, and we'd be much better off if we didn't have to rely on him but just did it ourselves.

There's two problems there: The first is that they're all lies. He never let you down, He was always there, and He would never ever hurt you. Have you seen a picture of Him lately, up there on the cross? Over the top of all the lies the devil wants you to believe will always be the image of the depth of His love for you. Can you really believe that the one who loved you THAT much ever wanted you to cry a single tear or feel one ounce of pain?  How do we forget that as much as we love our own children He loves us even more? My husband and I struggled with this with the deaths of our children. People would often say things like "it must have been God's plan" or "He needed an angel in heaven." I know they were trying to comfort us, but those are the exact things that the devil wants us to think. At the time, I couldn't explain why I couldn't carry a pregnancy and it would have been easy to believe that God was killing my children in my womb because it was "their time". But the thing is, I know my God better than that. Have you ever heard a rumor about your best friend and just laughed at it because it's so far from the truth? You know it because you know that person so well. When you are faced with the tough stuff that you can't explain, cling on to the God that you know. The one who laid down His life for you. The one you know in your heart would never hurt you. And quit listening to the devil, even if he uses your grandma to say it. Try listening to the truth instead:
 "Can a mother forget her infant, be without tenderness for the child of her womb? Even should she forget, I will never forget you."Is 49:14-15

The other problem is that just like that 2 year old in 4 feet of water, we can't do it without Him. No matter how much we want to, we were built to need Him. Without Him, we will spend our whole life struggling to stay above water or we will drowned. But if we can look into his heart and see His love for us and allow ourselves to trust Him again, then we can really live.

The beautiful verse of that song is so reassuring to me when I think about myself and when I think about that 2 year old: "Our own belief in you, o Lord, is only a shadow of your faith in us." Our God has faith that she can learn to trust again, and He has faith that we can learn to trust again too.

Lent is starting in two days on Ash Wednesday. What a beautiful opportunity to get to know our God better, spend more time with Him, lay our questions, hurts, heartaches at his feet so that we can truly feel joy when we say "our lives are in your hands".

Sometimes You Feel the Nails

Our life has taken a crazy turn and we now have three children under the age of 3 living in our house. A lot of people have said it's difficult enough going from one kid to two, but going from one kid to three toddlers takes a little getting used to. We are, to say the least, tired. After the first few days I remember telling a friend that my whole body ached. I wasn't sure if it was from the actual physical change of picking up 3 kids during the course of the day instead of one or if I was just that tired from running after them.
The behaviors of all three kids have extremely challenged us. The last few weeks have been the hardest in my short span as a parent. I spend my days putting kids in and taking them out of time outs. I don't need much of a vocabulary. I feel if I could just be programmed with a pull string that switches off the phrases of  "please stop screaming", "don't hit", "do you want to go to time out?" and "we say please when we want something" that would be sufficient. If I get 30 seconds to myself its if I was lucky enough to sneak off to the bathroom without anyone seeing me and I can pee in peace, but most often there are two or three screaming and pounding on the door, and that's if I was able to even get the door closed to begin with. 
We have good days and bad days. Today was a bad day of tantrums and much-too-short naps that is a reminder of the sacrifice of being a parent. No one really prepares you, or maybe you just don't listen, for just how hard it is. That you'll give up pretty much everything you like to do for yourself. That you will lose touch with your best friends because its next to impossible to have an uninterrupted phone conversation. That you'll pass up countless opportunities to "climb the ladder" in your career because you can't possibly work those hours or don't have the energy the position requires because you give it all at home. That to the outside world you seem self-centered or air-headed because you shirk volunteering responsibilities, miss bridal showers and bacherlorette parties or one more committee meeting because your family needs you to be home. That you will change from a confident, smart woman that doesn't need anyones approval to someone who second guesses every decision you make and then cries in the public bathroom when someone makes a judgemental comment about your parenting choices.
I remember in the first few months after my son came to live with us wondering why no one tells you those things. I assumed either they keep quiet because otherwise they would never get grand kids or because misery loves company - ha ha suckers! But as my son got older and we fell more and more in love with him each day I realized it was because ....it's worth it.
It came to me gently, as our God so often is with something that's going to hurt. In the gospel of Mark today (Mk 9:30-37) it begins with Jesus telling the disciples how he will be killed and then rise again in three days.  I realized Jesus came for the purpose of hanging on that cross, but this is a rare occurrence of him talking about it. He had his bad days too: "O faithless generation, how long will I be with you? How long will I endure you?" (Mk 9) and then the worst day of all when he was nailed to the cross. But he doesn't dwell on his sacrifices back then, and I would bet he's not up in heaven right now complaining about how much those nails hurt, because to Him, for reasons none of us will ever understand, it was worth it.
I often pray that I can have the patience and unconditional love that my mother has and the humor and sacrificial spirit that my father has. I realized today I must pray most of all to be the humble and joyful parent that Jesus is. I realize that some days I am going to "feel the nails" of parenting, but when that sweet little voice says "I love you" or even just says "please" for the first time it will all be worth it. If only I can quit focusing on the sacrifice and instead see the joy.
Moms, if you still aren't convinced this gospel is for you, and if you ever find yourself wondering "did I even get one thing accomplished today?" just continue reading to the end where He says: "anyone who wishes to be first shall be last" and "whoever receives one child such as this in my name receives me..." Message received. We do matter. It is important. It is WORTH IT.