What if...? Introducing Jadence Katherine

"You say what if I hurt you, what if I leave you
What if I find somebody else and I don't need you
What if this goes south, what if I mess you up
You say what if I break your heart in two then what" (What If by Kane Brown)

This has been sitting waiting for the right time to post, and I think today is the day. I heard this on the radio awhile ago, and I thought it was pretty fitting for Jadence's story in a two-fold way. The first is this...

It was December 2017, we had just recently told our foster care licencor that we were still not ready for long term placements after saying goodbye to our foster daughter M that spring, we were still grieving and not ready to take on another possibility of another heartbreak. Plus, Samuel and Isabella were still very young, Bella still wasn't walking. We told her we'd be willing to do respite care which is just short term, typically one or two day stays when other foster parents need someone else to take their kids for a while.
Our phone rang wondering if we would care for a one year old who had been placed with another foster family and was now going to live with a relative. The foster family had a conflict and was unable to keep her an extra night, so could she stay with us just for one night?
Yes.
This is easy, this part of foster care. Opening your home, sharing an extra room, an extra plate, an extra hug. I can do that and it will be a very small sacrifice, and a bring a lot of joy to our family.
She was so fun. So smiley. Came right to me with a smile and hug.  The other kids loved her. I put her to sleep in our spare room whispering prayers for her precious soul, who doesn't even seem bothered to be in the second strangers home of the week. The next day, we play and she is happy and content. I wait for the social worker to call to arrange her pickup by her family member. I realize as I worry about it, that I have already let myself love her a little.

But the family member is ready, and it seems like a good thing for her, so we pack her up, say goodbye, and tell the social worker how fun it was to have her. It really is fun to do respite care, little heartbreak involved.

A little over a month later, the phone rings again. Would we be willing to do respite for that same little girl for the weekend? Sure, that would be fun. And we hate to see foster kids bounced around to so many different homes, if we can offer familiarity, we try to.

We pick her up, this time she cries a lot. A lot.

The weekend ends, the week begins, the social worker wonders if we can keep her a few days longer. Sure, why not? Well, Dan was in the cities for his brothers surgery so I was solo-parenting, but we made it work.

Friday is approaching, I tell Dan, I haven't heard from the social worker, I'm guessing when she calls tomorrow she's going to ask if we can keep Jadence for a longer stay, what is our answer?

We have a lot of reasons to say no. Bella just turned two, she's not yet walking. Samuel is two and a half. After a year of having three one year olds, I was just getting used to being able to go places in public again by myself. Taking on another one year old meant more staying home, three in diapers again, less sleep. All of those are hard but we could do. But that looming last one...the big what if? The emotional heartbreak. "What if our hearts break again when they aren't even healed from last time?"

Dan comes home Thursday night from spending a few days at the children's hospital in the cities and I ask him what his answer is. He says, "We have to. I walked the halls of that hospital and saw room after room after room of children with no parents. I'm sure there are so many different stories and situations, but it was heartbreaking to see them sick and all alone and I know if we can be parents to Jadence even for a while, we should be. Plus, you know we fell in love with her already."

"Yeah, I know. When did you decide that?" I ask.

He smiles as he admits "Probably the first time I held her,"

The next day the social worker calls and I tell her "of course Jadence can stay as long as she needs to, we love her." We have no idea how long it will be, a few weeks, a few months? There are so many "what if's?" and most likely they all end in my heart completely broken, but until then, I'll love her everyday.

When Jadence came she was 17 months old. She couldn't crawl or stand. She wouldn't cry in the morning when she woke up from the crib. I would watch the video monitor and go get her when I saw her start to move around, otherwise she would just sit up, look around and go back to sleep. Babies stop crying when no one ever answers their cries. They learn crying doesn't work, no one ever comes.

Jadence started physical therapy to help catch up her development, she had very low muscle tone, but she quickly learned to crawl, stand, push things around and finally walk. She was so proud of herself each time she accomplished something, it was so fun to see her realize she could do something.

I could write pages and pages of her first year with us and her story and the roller coaster that was her journey to adoption that include multiple times of heartbreak as we were told she was leaving us and then ended up staying. But what I think is the greatest take away from her story is her own "what if's?". Because of her first difficult year of life, Jadence struggles to trust. Brains develop attachment in the first two years of life. We cry because we're hungry and someone feeds us. We cry because we're wet and someone changes us. We cry because we are lonely and someone talks to us, holds us, plays with us. We cry because we're hurt and someone comforts us. We learn someone will take care of us, the world is a good place, we can trust our parents. But often, kids who enter foster care have not had this experience and then their brains have not developed correctly. They cried, and no one came. They were hungry, and no one fed them. They learned other people, especially parents couldn't be trusted. They learned, trusting people only sets you up for getting let down. When they begin to care about someone, their minds instantly wonder the thoughts in the beginning lyrics to that song. And this has been the next years of her life, her wondering "what if?" and pushing us away. Her being scared to trust us, afraid we're going to leave her or not be there for her. Wanting to do everything herself so she doesn't need anybody. She didn't want my hand when she was learning to walk stairs even though she would fall without it. I had stay so close to catch her every time. When she first came, she would not make eye contact with me when I was holding her. She wanted to be held, but not actually develop a connection with the person holding her.

It took such a long time to get her to trust us. It's still and probably will always be a hurdle she will have to overcome, to allow herself to trust people. To believe that people are good, and that especially her parents won't hurt her or let her down when in fact we're the ones who love her the most.

This is hard isn't it? This reality that we can be damaged for life so early in life.
But it's also hard, because I think we can all realize, that when we look at our own relationship with God, these same things come into play. We often struggle to trust him. We believe that He has at some point or another let us down when we needed Him. I realized today as I was speaking with a friend that as I have struggled to pray since all of this COVID craziness it's really deep down because I am mad at Him for letting it happen. And because I'm mad, it means I really don't trust that He is doing what's best for me and taking care of me. We push him away when He's the only one who can help us, when He's the one that loves us more than anyone, when He is actually taking good care of us, and is the only one who will. We'd rather do it ourselves, than risk relying on Him and being let down. The saddest part about that, is that He never let us down. We are blaming him for the devil's hurts just like Jadence is angry at me for things that happened to her before she knew me. Its the greatest, and maybe only lie the devil tells: that God can't be trusted. The devil uses all kinds of hurt and sin to make it seem like God has let us down. But I promise you He has not. And you know it, and want to believe it, and it's ok to let yourself believe it today. And if you're still struggling to believe that, look at the cross. Does it make sense that the God who did that for you would ever let you down? 

There are a lot of experts and a lot of books about helping children cope with attachment issues. There are a lot of theories, and every child is so different, and some so severely hurt even professionals don't know how to help. But overwhelmingly, the best thing we can do for Jadence and many of these kids is to love them unconditionally, consistently, intentionally. Love them when they hate us. Love them when they show more affection to a stranger at the mall. Love them when they throw their 15th tantrum for the day. Today, Jadence was sitting a timeout in my lap at the park, thrashing around saying she wanted to get away, but as soon as I let my arms go, she would quickly grab them and wrap them back around herself. So conflicted, wanting my love, and yet being so afraid to let herself love me. So I just held her, the whole time. Everytime she told me to let her go, I did, everytime she wrapped my arms tightly again, I held her close. 

This is what Jesus does for us too. He loves us even when we hate Him. Even when we ignore Him. He is patient with us. He consistently, time, after time, after time loves us and hopes we love Him in return some day.

The difference is, I will fail Jadence. I will lose my temper and yell when I should speak words with love. I will hurry her when I should be patient. I will want to be loved in return. Not everyday, but once in a while I will fail her. But Jesus will not. And that is my prayer. That she (and all of us) will know His love, that never fails. His love is the only thing, that will "fix" us from our disorder. Because we've all wondered those first lines from that song, what if we trust him and He lets us down, what if He breaks our heart in two?

But as the song goes on to reply:

"What if I was made for you and you were made for me
What if this is it, what if it's meant to be"

And we really are, made for Him.

There were so many fears and what-if's when we said that scary "yes" to Jadence almost three years ago, but in Sept 2018 she became Jadence Katherine Full and laid her head on my shoulder and the song refrain and God responded:

"What if one of these days baby I'd go and change your name
What if I loved all these what ifs away"

She is spunky and fun. It takes almost nothing to make her smile or giggle. She thrives on attention and she hangs right with her brothers in a wrestling match or running around the house. She is a complete sandwich of a tom-boy and the girliest girl you've ever met, which she shows off often as she dresses up in princess dresses with super-hero masks and roars around the house. She's a farm girl who'd rather wear boots any day of the week and wants to be on the tractor and with the cows if that's where her dad is, and if she can do it with a pretty dress on that's even better. And her favorite place in the whole entire world is sitting on her dad's lap. And those are my favorite moments, because I get to see her truly happy. Not hurting, not wanting to be happy but unable to trust. When she's sitting on his lap, she is at peace, and there is no more beautiful girl in the whole world than a girl at peace in the arms of her father.

Its been a long three years, but I am so incredibly grateful every day that our "what if" turned out to be "meant to be."

Somedays, she comes over unexpectedly after an outburst or tantrum and gives me a big hug and says so sincerely, "I'm sorry mommy". Her hugs mean so much more, because I know the journey it's been to get to the place where she not only wants to hug me, but trusts me enough to hug me. A small feeling, I'm sure, compared to what God feels after waiting patiently for us to climb into his lap and rest for a while.

A Really Good Rain

It's been so dry here in our part of the world. The grass is beginning to die and the plants that have been battling extreme heat and wind for the last two weeks are really showing it. They need water. Rains have circled round us and missed. We've watched them come and go to the North, East and West without a drop on our doorstep. There is so much dust it covers everything. So last night, when I heard the beautiful sound of a crack of thunder and rain pouring on the roof above my bedroom it was music to my soul and lifted my spirits. I drifted peacefully back to sleep, one more worry gone, one more time I've been granted what I needed, one more reminder I am taken care of so I can snuggle in and sleep comfortably.
When I woke up later, I was overjoyed to see the rain still coming down so nicely. It's such a nice rain when it just comes slowly, evenly, without harsh winds or too much at once. It's so great for the crops and the soil. I was surprised then, when my 9 year old came upstairs and also saw the rain and had a completely opposite reaction. "No! It's raining!" and put his sad pouting lip out.
We started baseball this week to the joy of my children (and me). But today was only the second day of practice for my nine year old who has been itching to play for the last 3 months. His mind isn't on the crops and he cares little about the lawn, his mind is only on baseball this time of year and so he was devastated.  He tried convincing me surely they would still be practicing. "Maybe all the kids could wear swimming trunks to practice? Call the coaches and tell them mom!" "Oh buddy, I know you really wanted to play baseball today, but there will be another day to play, and we really needed the rain. This is a really good rain." He just slumped with a pouting lip into his chair. 
I know he knows we can't control this and he's just going to have to be sad about it for a while and move on with a new plan for the day. I know I've been where he is, only seeing things from my own perspective and how they affect me.
I can't help but be sad about everything that is going on in the world today. And I am still wrestling with how much of it could be avoided were it not for our human sin. And yet, God is allowing it. It doesn't mean He wants us to sin, but it does mean that He's allowing us to act in our free will and He is using it for His good purpose.
I have spent my fair share of time slumped in the chair with a pouting lip because of all the things I was doing and looking forward to and plans I had made. I've been pouting because I miss the world I used to live in that I am mourning the loss of. I'm heartbroken because many workings of the church that have been built upon for many years came to a halt overnight. I'm crying because there is conflict everywhere, even in places where there didn't used to be between friends/families/churches, or at least it wasn't so apparent. Sometimes it seems like I was cruising along on the most sunny beautiful days and I woke up expecting the sun just like every other day, but it was pouring rain instead.
And I was sad about this, I saw every reason (a lot of really good ones too) why we should be sad. The loss of the Eucharist, the loss of community, the loss of family, the loss of support, the loss of economic stability that will in turn lead to poverty, that leads to loss of health, loss of life. I've watched people sitting on facebook bragging about bing-watching netflix all day while my family and my friends who are farmers worked 18 hour days to put in crops and take care of animals to feed a country all the while knowing they may be losing money instead of being paid because there is no one willing or able to buy and process the products they are raising. Our church pews are empty, people I love are attending funerals of people they love who have committed suicide,  addicts left alone and with idle time have more temptations than ever. There is a lot to be sad about. There is good reason for us to pout. And yet, I hear Him say, "but we really need the rain."
I don't like it, when my world gets flipped upside down, when everything I was working so hard on crumbles. I know the devil is doing a lot of  work right now to destroy and when I focus on that I can get very discouraged. But I also know, and I need reminding now and then (thank you friends), that love always triumphs. God always wins. What the devil destroys God uses to rebuilt even stronger. A rainy day, sometimes even a storm, is not fun to endure, but below the surface, it is feeding the plant, it is in fact the only way the plant will ever survive and grow.
I wouldn't have done it this way. My son would have rather had a sunny day to play baseball. He wouldn't have realized even the baseball field needed water, and there wouldn't be any money for baseball if the crops all die. I would have rather continued on with sunny days here in the United States, but maybe I can't see what we really need. Maybe we really needed this rain. Maybe our luke-warm churches needed a wake up call. Maybe the divisions that are coming to light were a cancer growing undetected that can now be treated once it is made known. Maybe we farmers needed to be reminded we till the soil for God and not ourselves. Maybe we all needed to realize who we were putting out trust and hope in. Maybe it's not about us at all but the needs of our brothers and sisters who are living without the hope of Jesus. Maybe Jesus saw that a sunny day wouldn't help us all have a great eternity with Him in heaven. Maybe it's time to stop pouting and just trust that as hard as it is to let go of what we had planned, maybe this is exactly what we need. Maybe there's work happening below the surface that I can't see. Maybe, just maybe, it's actually a really good rain.

Jesus said it best in today's gospel "Your Father knows what you need before you ask him." Mt 6:8

Think About These Things

Really quick read this morning: I don't know if you've been like me and being weighed down by both the fear that is being spread by all sectors of the media, our own fears for what is becoming of our country and our day to day living, and the internal struggle we have over what we are to do about it, but if so, I wanted to share my reflection this morning.

I just began reading the Discernment of Spirits by Timothy Gallagher and the very first thing he discusses is St. Ignatius's realization that when he thought about worldly things they left him feeling sad afterwards, but when he thought about the Godly things he realized he was being called to them because they left him happy and at peace long after thinking of them.

I  might have not been quickly to hop on to this line of thinking that seems, well, just a little too easy and simple for our complicated world! Except that I have experienced the same in my own discernment of things probably over many years of my life, but specifically just over the past few months and especially this past weekend. I think I have written already that when I read articles about the virus, about politics, and about church decisions, they create a great sadness in me, one that is hard to shake for a very long time. Anger, fear, all of these things are stirred from pretty much anything in the news right now. And those feelings don't spur me to action but instead seem to immobilize me. Thinking of those things seem to make it so that even the tasks in front of me like the dishes and the laundry and sweeping the floor and playing with my children are very daunting. 

But thinking about the work that God has tasked me to do, caring for my children and foster children, and the youth and people of my church, that brings me such joy and motivates me to action.  

Picking dandelions with my children leaves a joy that lasts for hours. 

Teaching them all the camp songs I had long forgotten brings laughter and memories that swell the heart.  Calling friends from my church and hearing the sound of their voices is like medicine to the soul. A text group of my college girlfriends has me giggling while cooking dinner. A game of kick ball, a puzzle completed, the chickens fed, the fence fixed, they all bring joy that encourages me and energizes me to do more. And talking about and writing about trusting God and him having us all in the palm of His hand leaves me peace that lasts all day. Just to say those words brings such peace doesn't it? I trust You, Lord. 

I would like this advice in Philippians to be written on my heart each day: 

"Rejoice in the Lord, always, again I will say, rejoice. Let your gentleness be known to everyone. The Lord is near. do not worry about anything but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Finally beloved, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is pleasing, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence and if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things. Keep on doing the things you have learned and received and heard and seen in me and the God of peace will be with you." Phil 3:4-8

That's really all the advice we need right now. What might our world look like if we all did this? Our media would stop writing the way they do if we would stop clicking on and reading those articles. We would certainly treat each other more kindly if we had such peace in our hearts that we treated everyone with gentleness. We could share that peace if we would only stop worrying and trust God with our requests. What if we stopped tearing each other down but talking about what is good in each other? Even in our politicians? 

Let us as Christians change the world in this way today. Let us lead by example, that others might see the world crashing around us and our unfailing peace and ask how they may experience the same. Let us allow God to give us the gift of peace in a time of uncertainty. Simply, the freedom of what I choose to think about, is one that cannot be taken by any law or person or pandemic. I do think the devil is working hard at this time do control just exactly that, but the Holy Spirit will show you what things He wants you to think about and do by what brings you joy and peace. 

"Keep on doing the things you have learned and received and heard and seen in me, and the God of peace will be with you."

I'm Fine, It's Fine, Everything is Fine

I'm Fine, It's Fine, Everything is FINE. I saw it on a T-shirt awhile ago and wish I had one. I do this a lot to my poor husband when he asks what's wrong. "Nothing, I'm fine." Lies! The shirt jokes at this of course, every man whose been married longer than five minutes knows its not true when a woman says she's fine.
So, I want to ask. How are you....really? This has been hard hasn't it?

Here's Sam waiting for Nathaniel to finish his schoolwork and come play. Poor guy!
I'm sure we could each pick a specific piece that's been our breaking point, but the combination of so many life changes, additional stress, loss of support systems and isolation has been challenging for everyone. Read that again. EVERYONE. I know, you just read someones facebook post talking about how much they love this time at home with their kids, and they do. But that doesn't mean they haven't cried themselves to sleep because they miss their grandmother whose funeral they weren't allowed to attend. I know your child's teacher is a rockstar who made this distance learning thing look like their best work yet and has had an energetic smile on zoom every day, but you'd be kidding yourself if you didn't think she hasn't slumped to the floor of the empty classroom in tears just aching to hug your kiddos one more time. There are those pastors with thousands of followers preaching words of peace over social media and they have never felt so alone in all their lives.  And then there are those that are afraid. Afraid of the virus. Afraid to die or lose someone they love. Afraid of the loss of freedom. Afraid of food shortages. Afraid of losing their business, their home. Afraid of the loss of income, of security, of life as we know it.
But "I'm fine" you'll say when I ask how you are. "It's fine, everything is fine."
So first I'm going to say, let's stop lying to each other. No one is fine right now. No one. I haven't met anyone yet. Ask a few more questions and you get the real answer. No one thinks this is the ideal way to live. We miss each other. We miss church. We need each other and until we resume life lived in community no one will be "fine". For those of you who keep coining the phrase "life won't ever go back to normal" please stop. If you haven't realized already, you will soon, isolation is no way to live. If it was, we would have done it years ago when we discovered just how disease is spread. We decided then, it was worth the risk to be around other people, and I'm quite positive we will collectively decide that again soon, I think most already have.
The problem is, when you pretend you're ok, or even boast about how great you're doing, you make everyone else feel like they are sub-par. The devil swoops right in and fills minds with thoughts of being not good enough, "everyone else is fine why not me? Must be something wrong with me"...Lies. Do me a favor, when you hear that voice, just call the devil a liar to his face and move along please.

The second thing I want to say, is that you actually are going to be fine. I'll be the first to admit there are many days I fall right to the very bottom of the fear hole. There's a lot of scary stuff going on right now. If you watch liberal media we're probably all going to die from a virus or a killer hornet?! If you watch conservative media we are probably one rigged election away from communism and I might be shot just for writing this blog post. If you watch both or neither the fact that media is conservative or liberal to begin with is pretty scary in itself isn't it? Man I miss unbiased and uncensored journalism. Do you think they teach that anymore?
I'm getting off topic, the point is, I realize from most angles things look bleak, and there is a lot of fear. Days when I allow myself to read or watch some of those things are always really hard days. There are a hundred different topics that I have been wanting to write about over the last couple of weeks but there just seems to be one thing that God keeps pointing me back to: "Do not be afraid." Even when it doesn't seem fine, even when the world is in chaos, even when we are lonely, even when everything is different than we hoped it would be, we are fine.
This is the promise of Jesus, of Christianity. If this world is all there is, you're not fine, the world is a mess and doesn't look like it's getting better anytime soon. But if Jesus really lived and died for us so that we could be reunited with God, then we are ok. Everything will be fine. "So you will have pain now; but I will see you again, and your hearts will rejoice, and no one will take away your joy from you." Jn 16:22 
This has been a theme and concept I have struggled with and prayed over for the past 9 years as a foster mom. How to be "fine" when I constantly have something to worry about. There have been and always will be children living outside of my home who I love as my own but I cannot protect. There are children living inside my home and I can't control the actions of their birth parents and the emotional effect they have on my kids. There is so very little I have control over, and fear of what is happening or what might happen could completely cripple me, and has on occasion. How do I do it? I get asked that a lot by people who say they could "never do foster care." The answer is simple: I believe this isn't the end of the story, but only the beginning. Whatever happens here, it hurts, it stinks, it bruises us and cuts us and we shed so many tears. But part of that is because we were never meant to live here in the midst of an evil world. We were meant for eternity, for heaven. This pain, this dysfunction of society, it hurts even worse because we weren't meant for it. We were created only to love and be loved, and anything less than that will always leave us hurting, and aching for the real desire of our hearts.
So you really will be fine, everything really is fine because this isn't the end, only the end of hurt and sorrow and the beginning of never ending joy. But until then, you can also be "actually" fine right now. Because that gift that He is giving us of eternal peace and joy is here right, right now wrapped in a bow sitting on your doorstep just waiting for you to open it.
"Jesus answered them, "Do you now believe? The hour is coming, indeed it has come, when you will be scattered, each one to his home, and you will leave me alone. Yet I am not alone because the Father is with me. I have said this to you, so that in me you may have peace. In the world you face persecution. But take courage, I have conquered the world!" Jn 16:32-33
That text from the gospel of John is quite fitting isn't it? But do not miss the promise that's repeated all over the new testament: "I am not alone because the Father is with me." I do not have to wait until I die to experience the peace and joy of unity with the Father. It is a gift that is given now through the Holy Spirit, but it is one we often leave unopened. We forget, we pack it up, we open fear instead. When I remember I am not alone, when I invite the Holy Spirit to be with me, I am just fine. I get this gift in an actual physical way when I receive the actual body of Jesus in the Eucharist, which is why I have cried more tears over the absence of Mass than I've probably ever cried before, and I continue to beg the church to not abandon her people and continue to bring heaven to earth through the sacraments Jesus gave us. But until we can receive them again, the spirit also lives in us through our baptism and we continue to walk in unity with God every day. His peace is there for the taking each day we choose to sit with Him, to talk to Him, to read scripture, and He is there working through others as well. We can long for heaven, and we can also enjoy the peace and freedom of it now if we choose to fully believe. 
Now, I'm not saying you're being called to sit back and hum and take naps while the world is crashing around you (and seriously, if you're just watching netflix all day, PLEASE STOP!). I think Jesus was pretty bold in his commands of us to love our neighbors, care for the poor, stand up against injustice, and make other disciples. Don't pray for potatoes without a hoe in your hand is what they teach us out here on the farm. God will grow them but you have to do the work to put them in the ground and take care of them.

So we probably have to do something about what's going on in our life or our world right now if we think something needs to change. But, it doesn't have to cause us worry or fear or steal our joy or hope, because our hope isn't in making this world just the way we'd like it to be.  The goal, our HOPE, is Jesus restoring the relationship we had lost with our Father, bringing the most souls to back to unity with Him. Our JOY is His presence with us each moment of each day. When the goal is heaven, we can move forward in confidence that if we do all we can, and pray all we can, God's will will be done, and it will all be fine. Everything will be just fine. Everything IS actually fine. 

Look Up Child

You cannot hit the ball when you aren't looking at it. We love baseball in this house. It helps that my 9 year old is insanely good at it, something I can take no credit for, as my sister-in-law likes to say "he came out of the womb throwing a fast ball". But my 5 year year old has followed suit and can hit a pretty mean line drive with his scrawny little arms. We spend a lot of hours playing baseball and watching baseball and with lots of little friends over to play often I've found the secret to helping a child hit the ball is just to get them to look at it. We say that phrase, "keep your eye on the ball" but that doesn't really register well to young kids. They don't seem to understand that they stop looking at the ball long before it hits their bat. And often when someone is having trouble hitting, parents and coaches will start offering advice about their stance or keeping their elbows up or swinging sooner, etc, but the reality is none of that stuff matters if you just won't look at the ball. Once you are looking at the ball those things can greatly refine your hit but if you're not looking they just seem to take your focus off of looking at the ball even more. And then add lots of people watching and now it's harder than ever to look at that tiny little ball that is so small compared to everything else going on.

Alright, enough baseball, where am I going with this? I've been a roller coaster of emotions during the last couple months as the world as we know it has stopped/gone crazy/fill in the blank with whatever you would call it. I've been upset with politicians, media, church leaders, and random people spewing their anger at the world. I've been worried about the future of our country, about the spiritual and emotional health of others, about my foster children and others,  and always unfortunately about what people will think. But every time I find myself upset or worried I realize its because I'm not watching the ball. I'm looking around at everything else that doesn't matter, and I'm not watching Jesus. My eyes are so fixed on the crowd I have no chance of hitting the ball that is the whole reason I am here.
I think of the story of Jesus and Peter walking on water in Matthew 14. When Peter walks on water notice he does just fine while he is looking at Jesus, but as soon as he starts to notice the wind and waves and he starts to sink.

"Peter got out of the boat and began to walk on the water toward Jesus.But when he saw how [strong] the wind was he became frightened; and, beginning to sink, he cried out, “Lord, save me!” Mt 14:29-30

The wind and waves weren't new. They were there when he started out. But he didn't care because he was watching Jesus. The fact that the man was actually walking on water and still lost faith is incredible isn't it? I feel like that first step would be the hardest and after that it should be a piece of cake! But I'm guessing that was probably the problem. We tend to set out on something really hard knowing full well we can't do it ourselves and relying on the Holy Spirit for help. But once we start to do well, we sometimes start putting too much stock in ourselves, we might start to think we're walking on the water from our own greatness and not that of Jesus. And that might be scary, because  when Jesus had it covered there wasn't anything to be afraid of but if it's more about our ability, those waves are suddenly looking a lot bigger.

I have got to keep my eyes looking up, looking toward heaven, to the finish line, to Jesus. When I start looking around, reading news articles, scrolling social media, wondering or caring what others are doing or thinking, I am completely missing the ball. I am afraid, and distracted. But when I remember what this is all about, when I remember the promises, when I just remember He is here right now, then I am just fine. I can do what I've been put here to do, and it won't matter how high the waves get or how unbelievable it might seem to someone still standing in the boat.

One of the many blessings of this time has been that all of my priest friends who are normally way too busy for this type of thing, have had to start ministering online. It's been wonderful to listen to homilies, reflections, and prayers of these wonderful holy men who are so dear to my heart but are working at other parishes and our paths rarely cross.
One day, one of these Fathers suggested, that as frustrating at this time can be, we should try to make it a "spiritual retreat". A time when so many other things have been cleared off of our schedule, we have this great opportunity to focus on our relationship with God. It spoke peace to my soul like nothing else has during this time. He has continued to offer daily reflections and in them a focus on specifically Jesus being here with us always. We know that. God is everywhere. That's kindergarten theology. And yet, how often during the day do I really feel like He is right there beside me? How often do I talk to Him? I realize I had really put God in a very small window of time to only be present with us when I specifically called on him to pray. Church; of course! My morning prayers,  absolutely! Around the dinner table, yes but just for a quick minute before the food gets cold or a small child starts to whine. But when I am cleaning up the 5th spill of milk for the day? No. I wasn't thinking of Him there when tantrums were being thrown about cleaning the living room. I wasn't thinking He was there when hair was getting pulled or arms were getting pinched by angry preschoolers and toddlers. I surely wasn't face to face with Him when I was being impatient with them about all those things because that would have been awkward. I absolutely wasn't picturing him there in the bedroom when I said those mean things to my husband and I didn't think to check if He was around to talk before the hundreth time I picked up my phone to entertain me for the day.
I totally missed the ball. So many times. Almost all the time. He is and was there for every single one of those moments, wanting to bring peace to them, wanting to share them, wanting to help, wanting to offer love and comfort, and I missed it. Him being in those moments changes everything. It doesn't change the event, but changes my response, changes me, changes the atmosphere. When I'm distracted, when I'm looking around or down, I think it's all up to me. I think I'm the only one who can do anything about it and the waves are too high, the water is too deep. But when I'm looking up, when I'm seeing Him right here with me, I remember I am safe, I am taken care of, and not even that it will all be ok LATER, but that it is ok NOW, even if the storm is all around me, because He is here right now.

Watch the ball all the way until it hits your bat. That's what I tell my little people. Don't just keep one eye on Jesus while you're also thinking about keeping your elbow up and watching the crowd from the corner of your other eye. Make Him your sole focus. Realize He's there and invite him into every moment and watch everything else fall into place. Some of that other stuff is important too, holding your elbow up, planting your feet, learning "new" math so you can teach it, getting supper on the table before 7 pm, and BEING KIND, it's all good stuff! But you gotta connect with the ball before anything else will matter. Because if I don't teach them to see Jesus, life will always be a struggle.

 There's an incredible treasure hidden in this moment in history waiting for you to discover it. He is waiting. Start seeing Him. The joy and peace that's waiting for you I can't even describe. And you will get distracted again, and see the wind and waves, just be sure when you do, you follow Peter's lead and cry "Lord save me." You'll be hand-in-hand with Jesus in no time and you won't even care that all your buddies on the boat just watched you almost sink, because you walked on water with Jesus and they were too afraid to get out of the boat. Ever think about that? Even after they watched Peter get out and walk on water, they still stayed in the boat? They were looking around, at the waves, at Peter, even Peter's success was a distraction, and his failure sealed the deal I'm sure. But had they been looking at Jesus, I think they might have taken some steps of their own.
Keep looking up. Nothing has changed, He is still here, and He's giving us the gift of taking more notice and the beauty that comes with a life walked hand in hand with Jesus.

You Can't Be My Friend Anymore

I think I was five years old the first time I ever heard that phrase. My friend and I were planning costumes for a costume parade. My mom had already planned for me to be something I can't remember, and my friend was dead set that she wanted to go dressed as something her sisters won the contest with the previous year. I repeated my mothers wisdom from the background (that it that costume won last year they probably wouldn't award the prize to the same costume this year), which is probably good logic, but not to a five year old. My friend dug in her heals and simply replied, "If you don't dress like me I won't be your friend anymore."
Ugh. Every mamas heart sinks at those words. I know my mothers did as she watched me agree to change costumes to save my friendship. We didn't win the prize, in case you were wondering.
I keep thinking about these words as I scroll through social media getting yelled at. Capital letters, exclamation points, harsh language. Everyone seems to think right now what they have to say is ok to yell. I wonder if they would say it like that out loud, instead of on screen? There's definitely a way to voice your opinion and feelings without yelling, without drawing a line in the sand, but we seem to have lost that on social media. For some reason sharing a post or copying and pasting a post gives people the courage to say something a lot more rudely than they would if they even typed it themselves. But as I scroll through, I'm reading it coming from your mouth, and its tearing at me. Because, even if we disagree, I think we can still be friends. I'd really like to still be your friend. I really think the world would be quite boring if we all thought exactly the same. But your posts and rants send a clear message, that we really can't be friends unless I agree. And I'm not five years old anymore, so that's probably not going to work on me.

I watch kids go through this stage where they use that phrase. Sam wants to go outside, M wants to stay in. Its a beautiful day but she is not used to playing outside as much anymore and has forgotten how great it is, so she says "I won't be your friend anymore if you go outside." It's always about control. When we want to control what someone else is doing and we don't have a good reason, our last resort is the only leverage we have, ourselves.
I realized as I watched a friends video testimony last week and he talked about the need for acceptance with friends being so important to him that it took the place of God in his life.  And I realized how much I have let that slip back into my life in the last few years. We live in between two small communities and we have been very loved by both of them. But the last 5 years we have raised 7 babies and I have been very isolated to our home and not very involved in the community. I feel like a stranger again when I do go to town and I realize I want so desperately to be liked.
And then along came this virus and instantly everyone on my news feed was yelling. Trying to control others. They still are. And I've been quiet because I really want to be your friend. Because relationships matter. But I've also learned people who say they won't be your friend anymore unless you behave a certain way, are either bluffing, or probably not the friend I can be around right now anyway. I've learned costumes don't matter, but other things do. Some things, very few, but SOME are worth speaking up about.
"You can't control people." Wise words from my mom a few years ago. She was right...mom's always are you know. You can't. You can teach, you can talk until you're blue, you can yell, and scream and even try to manipulate, but you can not control how another person is going to choose to behave. And it's a good thing, even though you don't see it. Because your own actions are the only ones you really want to be responsible for.
But we do want control of so many people other than ourselves. We want to control the way the person in front of us is driving. We want to control our neighbors lawn mowing schedule. We want to control the lines at the grocery store, the way the waitress does their job, the list goes on and on. Because all of this stuff affects us. And we have gotten together over the years and created laws to try to control the actions of others. This is a delicate balance isn't it? To be sure the right of freedom of one doesn't violate the right of freedom of another. It is an important and complicated issue and the future of our nation depends on the discussion of it. But its not one that should be screamed or even lectured across social media. It's not one that should be made out of fear or emotion but clear reason and much thought and prayer.
I've admitted before I struggle with yelling at my kids. It's a default reaction when I am overwhelmed, a learned style of parenting I didn't want to continue but seems to be a reflex. And when I reflect on why I yell, its always because I am afraid. I yell because I see their behavior and I am fearful for their future. I want them to be happy and live great lives and I worry if they don't learn  they will not. I yell because I worry their behavior is a reflection of my abilities and my worth and that terrifies me because I am doing all that I can. I yell because this is so important and I'm afraid they don't realize it. I yell when I can't control their behavior and I don't know what else to do.
I'd guess that's why a lot of you are yelling. You are afraid, for yourselves, for your families, for your friends. And you are afraid you don't have any control over this situation, over the behaviors of the people around you, and ultimately you don't have any control over life and death.
I don't want to yell. But I do want to say "please be careful". Because the need to control others can be a very dangerous thing. It might seem ok at first, when it makes sense to you, when it seems to be doing good for what you deem to be good. But with every law, a freedom is surrendered and in trying to control others, we may find we have actually given away control of our ourselves.
A lot is happening right now and it's not about a virus but as the bad sheep on Zootopia says "fear always works". Pay attention. Read full articles and do research for yourselves. You are afraid of a virus, afraid of death. But what we do to each other and to our world because of this fear is what we should be afraid of. Is life worth living if not in freedom? The people who fought for our country didn't believe so. They gave their lives so we could be free, and now we have handed over our freedoms to save our lives. Be careful, I am whispering, in the kindest way. Be careful the life you so desperately want to preserve may be completely forfeited in an effort to do so.
What is true freedom? I have felt so many emotions as I've watched this unfold and struggled with my own desire to want to control what is happening in our country. But when I begin to get fearful of the virus or of what has become of the free country I loved or even what has become of my church, I realize none of it truly matters. This will all fade away. This is not lasting. I would have chosen to not watch our world crumble like this, I would have chosen a happier, smoother path. But there is a promise I believe and know with everything I am, that this is not the end, and that the end of my life will be just the beginning of the one I was always meant to have. And there will be no fear, no pain, not even any yelling. AND... we'll all be friends. And if you believe this too, then you also have no reason to be afraid. And if you are afraid, maybe it's time to bring that to God, and ask for greater faith. This may be the time to ask ourselves if we are ready to die. If we believe what we say we believe as Christians, we should await that hour with joyful hope.
I still want to be your friend, even if you yell, because I love you. But please understand we might not be facebook friends anymore as I need to step away from facebook for my own mental health.
I will be using that time to pray for you and your families and our world, that hearts are brought to choose Jesus, the only place true freedom is found.

Advice from a Struggling Homeschooling Mom to Another...

I've been seeing and hearing so many parents this week struggling with homeschooling. I'd be lying if I told you there haven't been days when I myself have slumped down in a chair after an argument with a child feeling like a complete failure.  We home-schooled our oldest for just 2 years, so I don't consider myself an expert on the subject, but I also find those moms who are really good at homeschooling are totally out of my league. I will never be them and trying to be might just kill me. So instead, from another mom who just makes it through each day, I wanted to share some things I've found to help us survive and even sometimes enjoy the day. I think homeschooling is like parenting, you have to hold on to the good moments. A lot of moments will be hard, horrible, and some just monotonous, but a few glorious ones make it all worth it.

I know when we decided to home-school I had done so much reading and research, mental preparation and prayer about the decision. I have been thinking of so many of you who have had this completely forced on you, and might also be for the first time home with all of your children instead of at work which is another huge adjustment in itself. And some of you are trying to homeschool and juggle working from home or working during the day and doing the work at night. These are almost impossible things to do well. My daughter's physical therapist called me yesterday and asked "hows life as a stay-at-home mom/teacher/PT/OT/etc? We wouldn't probably in a normal situation take on all of these things because we know we can't do them all well. So the best thing you will do for your mental health, survival, and overall mood is set a clear expectation that the goal here is survival, the basics, not perfection, not even to do any of it well. I don't want to give the impression I don't think you should try at all, we can tend to give in to laziness when faced with something difficult. I'm not saying you shouldn't try at all, I'm just saying if it was your first hike ever, you probably wouldn't expect to climb Mt. Everest and be the best that's ever climbed. Start with the expectation that you'll do the best you can for a first time homeschooler, and allow yourself the freedom to to better or worse than that without extreme expectations.

Speaking of expectations, start with letting go of some you might have for how life has been in the past. Homeschooling takes a lot of time. It is a full time job, you will find ways to get laundry and dishes done etc, but expect that your house will not be clean. I remember when I was working outside the home I had this expectation that once I started to stay home my house would be so much cleaner because I would have more time to clean. WRONG. Because you are home more and LIVING in your home, its messier even though you clean even more. And once I started homeschooling so much time is given to that even more things fall behind. Find a way to be ok with this. Everyone has their own priorities, you will find a balance of where you want to spend your time and what level of clean you can be ok with. I sweep the floor multiple times a day and then I am ok with clutter as long as there aren't crumbs sticking to my feet. One of my friends just needs clean countertops and then she is ok with the mess in the rest of the house. Find what you need for your own sanity and your family's health. The good news is, if you clean for prideful reasons, no one is coming over for a good long time so you'll be fine there. ;) 

Accept that you have strengths and weaknesses, and teach your child accordingly. I am not crafty or artistic. Not one bone in my body. So you won't find my fb flooded with crafts that my children are doing. I could easily get discouraged by my super-mom friends who post something different every day they have done with their kids. But I am good at keeping my kids on schedule, reading to them, teaching them their basics, and we have really good music and religion lessons because that's my strength. The best part about this short-term homeschooling thing, is that you don't need to compensate for your weaknesses. When we were homeschooling year-long, I had to find ways to be sure I was still teaching my children the essential art skills. You are homeschooling for two months or less. I know my kids would seriously be just fine if they didn't do a craft that whole entire time. Luckily, the hardest part has been done for us, the teachers have handpicked activities and all the kids work and wrapped it up in a nice little package for us, so we don't have to be creative or even know what our kids need to be learning, we just need to walk beside them as they do it.

The leads to the next important thing. Something I really learned and think is so wonderful about homeschooling is that children CAN learn on their own. The skill to be able to learn things on their own is a very important one that will take them very far in life. Some kids in traditional school never learn this skill because they are always being directed, being fed information. Once your child gets used to not being in the school environment, you will find they get used to independently learning, and they may learn more quickly or retain more because they are taking the initiative to learn on their own. This desire to learn and the recognition that they can learn anything they wish, is crucial to being a lifelong learner and successful in the future. Be ok that if your student read the textbook and did the worksheets correctly they get it, there's no expectation or reason for you to verbally
"teach" the lesson. We tend to think we should because this is how we were taught, but its really only necessary if they are having trouble or not understanding the material.

Give your child ownership of completing their work. When I was homeschooling, my kids had a checklist each day of what they needed to do for the day. That way there is a clear expectation, it's up to them if they want to do it all first thing in the morning or spread it out over the day. Once their checklist is complete they get some reward. For my kids technology is a huge motivator, so they know if they do all their school work and chores AND without complaining or fighting with each other then they can play games on an iPad or computer later in the day. Find what motivates your child, maybe its outside play, maybe its TV, maybe its playing a game with you etc. This is what I found to be probably the  most helpful in getting them to just do their work without fighting about it all day.

And there will be fighting. Expect there to be an adjustment period. Just like with anything with parenting, your kids are going to test you to see if you are going to actually follow through and make them do their work. Once they realize you are, they won't push against it each day. So for those of you who are ready to throw in the towel two days in, know that it will get better and know that you aren't the only way feeling that way. As I said, I'm writing this post in response to all my dear friends struggles in hopes that I can help make these next few weeks or months a little less stressful for you and your kids. As one of my best friends texted me in response to how homeschooling was going: "pray for your godchildren bc they are going to need it."

Finally, I can't neglect what I feel is the most important tool I have for home-schooling and stay-at-home parenting. Prayer. We build in prayer time throughout the day with the kids and this is essential. But my days either smooth-sail or crash and burn based on my morning routine. If I am able to be up before the kids to spend time in silence and prayer, before anyone is crawling on my or needing me, and when I can give the day to God and remember its His work I am doing, then our days go so much better. If I sleep in and a crying child wakes me before I have been able to even brush my teeth and have a cup of coffee, I seem to feel I am running from behind all day, and I am crabby when I'm feeling behind.

Below is a basic schedule that we follow. Obviously a positive of homeschooling is that the day can be flexible to what is going on. Not that anyone has anywhere to go right now, but if you're working from home or the weather is just beautiful out and it's going to rain later, you can adjust accordingly to make the most of the day. I know some teachers, and our daughters PK is one, that are doing scheduled classes on Zoom. Those might be great for some kids, for our daughter who has down syndrome, she just wants to look at the screen and isn't getting much more than a social piece out of it, so we opted to only sign in for the first part and do our classwork separately. Talk to your teacher to find out what options you have if Zoom is not working for your family, I think everyone just wants the children to succeed right now and all of my children's teachers have been absolutely wonderful during this. Thank you God for them!!

5:00 am/5:30 am Mom prayer/shower/coffee/exercise (I don't want to leave the impression that I exercise everyday in the morning, I totally SHOULD, and in the warm months I do sometimes run or walk, but in the winter I am a complete bum and I'm totally ok with that as I decided I didn't have time for both and prayer won out. My poor Physical Therapist friend is dying inside a little right now - sorry! But if this is crucial for your physical and mental health, don't neglect it.)
6:30 am/7:00 am kids start waking up in my house. We wait until everyone is awake to do breakfast otherwise I can spend an hour dishing out and cleaning up breakfast. The bonus of not rushing out the door, there's actual time to do "good" breakfast like eggs/pancakes/etc that we would never attempt if needing to catch the bus, but we still opt often for the easy cereal choice.
8:00 am Kids get dressed/brush teeth/make beds/morning chores (feed dog/bring up laundry/empty dishwasher/etc) Mom cleans up from breakfast, starts laundry or other household chores, starts to get ready for school work and plays with little kids.
8:30 am/9:00 am Morning Prayer all together (I suggest morning offering and intentions for the day or morning prayer from liturgy of the hours for older kids.) Start schoolwork. Hopefully you have gotten a nice checklist from your child's teacher, if not, I would make one. Don't forget to add reading time and anything else you want them to do each day.
10:00 am Angelus Prayer/Snack/recess/play
10:30 am We do a Religion Lesson/Piano lesson/finish any other work at this time. If you don't have a religion textbook but think now is a great time to incorporate that into your child's day, ask your church to borrow something, I am encouraging my parents to do this at our church. But if you don't have anything, my kids love acting out the bible stories of the days lesson, so any childrens bible or bible story will work!
Noon Lunch (we keep lunch very simple. Sandwiches, mac and cheese, chicken strips, leftovers from supper, nothing that takes longer than 15 minutes to make, add fruits and veggies of course.)
12:30 pm Clean up lunch, play outside
1:00 pm Naps for younger children/Quiet time (reading or quiet play for older children), this is when I normally pray the rosary and do household chores and respond to messages, yard work outside, etc. Do what you have to to recharge. This is when my kids do their reading time for school or if they can't read yet but aren't napping they have to play with legos or puzzles or something like that quietly. Kids actually need this time as much as we do. To learn how to be still and not be entertained is also a valuable life skill to teach!
2:00 pm Technology time if earned (this is also when my kids do their Seesaw videos from their teacher).
3:00 pm Act of Contrition or Divine Mercy Prayer/Snack/Play outside - I try to play if I can. I have to make an effort not to just always be a "teacher" but spend time having fun with them.  I also try to play with my older kids while the younger kids are napping because otherwise they rarely get that one on one time.
4:30 pm Start prepping supper, when it's rainy or cold we might do TV time here so I can get supper ready. We actually gave up TV for lent (I know, not the best year right?), but on a rough day I know my limits and I've allowed them to watch "Formed" which is great Catholic Programming that's being offered for free right now.

This is what works for us, we don't follow it strictly time-wise but its our general order of the day. You will find what works for you, but the key would be consistency. Even as adults, we are much happier/more at peace when we know exactly what to expect. As your kids come to know what they will be doing each day you will find they are much happier and less anxious and more willing to comply.

Most of all, I hope I can help you make it a little more manageable so you can find the beauty that is underneath all of the hard about this situation. Because no matter how much you struggle through this, there will be a moment when today your child knows something or can do something today that yesterday they could not do. And in that moment, you will get to experience the joy of watching them learn. The same way your heart overflowed when you watched them take their first step, when they said their first word. Now you get to be the one there for that moment, and its an incredible gift. And there are so many others. Like watching siblings play and find such joy with each other, watching them take care of each other, being there to play together.

I snapped this photo last week when Nathaniel spent 30 minutes reading books to his younger brothers snuggled in our bed. My heart couldn't contain it, and the moment wouldn't have happened if he was at school.
I'm not trying to paint an unrealistic picture that they will all get along and you'll magically be your favorite teacher, Mary Poppins and Martha Stewart all rolled together. Like I said, most days we will probably all feel like failures most of the time. My youngest threw a walkie-talkie at Sam's head just this morning. But I do know there is a lot of great beauty happening there in your home. There are plenty of teachers who can teach your child, but no one can love them the way you do. My youngest also walked over after his timeout and gave Sam the biggest hug which he smiled and returned and the two of them played outside together for the next hour like the best of friends. Where else besides our home can we really learn the meaning of unconditional love and forgiveness?
If you can get past the fact that this might be one of the hardest things you ever do, it might also be one of the best. How wonderful really, to get to be with the people who love you the most all day long. (You do love each other, sometimes you just have to remind yourselves.) And that's really the only thing you absolutely have to teach them in the next two months. Everything else is just a bonus.

You're doing great mom. Know of my prayers for you today!