You Can't Be My Friend Anymore

I think I was five years old the first time I ever heard that phrase. My friend and I were planning costumes for a costume parade. My mom had already planned for me to be something I can't remember, and my friend was dead set that she wanted to go dressed as something her sisters won the contest with the previous year. I repeated my mothers wisdom from the background (that it that costume won last year they probably wouldn't award the prize to the same costume this year), which is probably good logic, but not to a five year old. My friend dug in her heals and simply replied, "If you don't dress like me I won't be your friend anymore."
Ugh. Every mamas heart sinks at those words. I know my mothers did as she watched me agree to change costumes to save my friendship. We didn't win the prize, in case you were wondering.
I keep thinking about these words as I scroll through social media getting yelled at. Capital letters, exclamation points, harsh language. Everyone seems to think right now what they have to say is ok to yell. I wonder if they would say it like that out loud, instead of on screen? There's definitely a way to voice your opinion and feelings without yelling, without drawing a line in the sand, but we seem to have lost that on social media. For some reason sharing a post or copying and pasting a post gives people the courage to say something a lot more rudely than they would if they even typed it themselves. But as I scroll through, I'm reading it coming from your mouth, and its tearing at me. Because, even if we disagree, I think we can still be friends. I'd really like to still be your friend. I really think the world would be quite boring if we all thought exactly the same. But your posts and rants send a clear message, that we really can't be friends unless I agree. And I'm not five years old anymore, so that's probably not going to work on me.

I watch kids go through this stage where they use that phrase. Sam wants to go outside, M wants to stay in. Its a beautiful day but she is not used to playing outside as much anymore and has forgotten how great it is, so she says "I won't be your friend anymore if you go outside." It's always about control. When we want to control what someone else is doing and we don't have a good reason, our last resort is the only leverage we have, ourselves.
I realized as I watched a friends video testimony last week and he talked about the need for acceptance with friends being so important to him that it took the place of God in his life.  And I realized how much I have let that slip back into my life in the last few years. We live in between two small communities and we have been very loved by both of them. But the last 5 years we have raised 7 babies and I have been very isolated to our home and not very involved in the community. I feel like a stranger again when I do go to town and I realize I want so desperately to be liked.
And then along came this virus and instantly everyone on my news feed was yelling. Trying to control others. They still are. And I've been quiet because I really want to be your friend. Because relationships matter. But I've also learned people who say they won't be your friend anymore unless you behave a certain way, are either bluffing, or probably not the friend I can be around right now anyway. I've learned costumes don't matter, but other things do. Some things, very few, but SOME are worth speaking up about.
"You can't control people." Wise words from my mom a few years ago. She was right...mom's always are you know. You can't. You can teach, you can talk until you're blue, you can yell, and scream and even try to manipulate, but you can not control how another person is going to choose to behave. And it's a good thing, even though you don't see it. Because your own actions are the only ones you really want to be responsible for.
But we do want control of so many people other than ourselves. We want to control the way the person in front of us is driving. We want to control our neighbors lawn mowing schedule. We want to control the lines at the grocery store, the way the waitress does their job, the list goes on and on. Because all of this stuff affects us. And we have gotten together over the years and created laws to try to control the actions of others. This is a delicate balance isn't it? To be sure the right of freedom of one doesn't violate the right of freedom of another. It is an important and complicated issue and the future of our nation depends on the discussion of it. But its not one that should be screamed or even lectured across social media. It's not one that should be made out of fear or emotion but clear reason and much thought and prayer.
I've admitted before I struggle with yelling at my kids. It's a default reaction when I am overwhelmed, a learned style of parenting I didn't want to continue but seems to be a reflex. And when I reflect on why I yell, its always because I am afraid. I yell because I see their behavior and I am fearful for their future. I want them to be happy and live great lives and I worry if they don't learn  they will not. I yell because I worry their behavior is a reflection of my abilities and my worth and that terrifies me because I am doing all that I can. I yell because this is so important and I'm afraid they don't realize it. I yell when I can't control their behavior and I don't know what else to do.
I'd guess that's why a lot of you are yelling. You are afraid, for yourselves, for your families, for your friends. And you are afraid you don't have any control over this situation, over the behaviors of the people around you, and ultimately you don't have any control over life and death.
I don't want to yell. But I do want to say "please be careful". Because the need to control others can be a very dangerous thing. It might seem ok at first, when it makes sense to you, when it seems to be doing good for what you deem to be good. But with every law, a freedom is surrendered and in trying to control others, we may find we have actually given away control of our ourselves.
A lot is happening right now and it's not about a virus but as the bad sheep on Zootopia says "fear always works". Pay attention. Read full articles and do research for yourselves. You are afraid of a virus, afraid of death. But what we do to each other and to our world because of this fear is what we should be afraid of. Is life worth living if not in freedom? The people who fought for our country didn't believe so. They gave their lives so we could be free, and now we have handed over our freedoms to save our lives. Be careful, I am whispering, in the kindest way. Be careful the life you so desperately want to preserve may be completely forfeited in an effort to do so.
What is true freedom? I have felt so many emotions as I've watched this unfold and struggled with my own desire to want to control what is happening in our country. But when I begin to get fearful of the virus or of what has become of the free country I loved or even what has become of my church, I realize none of it truly matters. This will all fade away. This is not lasting. I would have chosen to not watch our world crumble like this, I would have chosen a happier, smoother path. But there is a promise I believe and know with everything I am, that this is not the end, and that the end of my life will be just the beginning of the one I was always meant to have. And there will be no fear, no pain, not even any yelling. AND... we'll all be friends. And if you believe this too, then you also have no reason to be afraid. And if you are afraid, maybe it's time to bring that to God, and ask for greater faith. This may be the time to ask ourselves if we are ready to die. If we believe what we say we believe as Christians, we should await that hour with joyful hope.
I still want to be your friend, even if you yell, because I love you. But please understand we might not be facebook friends anymore as I need to step away from facebook for my own mental health.
I will be using that time to pray for you and your families and our world, that hearts are brought to choose Jesus, the only place true freedom is found.