You Can't Be My Friend Anymore

I think I was five years old the first time I ever heard that phrase. My friend and I were planning costumes for a costume parade. My mom had already planned for me to be something I can't remember, and my friend was dead set that she wanted to go dressed as something her sisters won the contest with the previous year. I repeated my mothers wisdom from the background (that it that costume won last year they probably wouldn't award the prize to the same costume this year), which is probably good logic, but not to a five year old. My friend dug in her heals and simply replied, "If you don't dress like me I won't be your friend anymore."
Ugh. Every mamas heart sinks at those words. I know my mothers did as she watched me agree to change costumes to save my friendship. We didn't win the prize, in case you were wondering.
I keep thinking about these words as I scroll through social media getting yelled at. Capital letters, exclamation points, harsh language. Everyone seems to think right now what they have to say is ok to yell. I wonder if they would say it like that out loud, instead of on screen? There's definitely a way to voice your opinion and feelings without yelling, without drawing a line in the sand, but we seem to have lost that on social media. For some reason sharing a post or copying and pasting a post gives people the courage to say something a lot more rudely than they would if they even typed it themselves. But as I scroll through, I'm reading it coming from your mouth, and its tearing at me. Because, even if we disagree, I think we can still be friends. I'd really like to still be your friend. I really think the world would be quite boring if we all thought exactly the same. But your posts and rants send a clear message, that we really can't be friends unless I agree. And I'm not five years old anymore, so that's probably not going to work on me.

I watch kids go through this stage where they use that phrase. Sam wants to go outside, M wants to stay in. Its a beautiful day but she is not used to playing outside as much anymore and has forgotten how great it is, so she says "I won't be your friend anymore if you go outside." It's always about control. When we want to control what someone else is doing and we don't have a good reason, our last resort is the only leverage we have, ourselves.
I realized as I watched a friends video testimony last week and he talked about the need for acceptance with friends being so important to him that it took the place of God in his life.  And I realized how much I have let that slip back into my life in the last few years. We live in between two small communities and we have been very loved by both of them. But the last 5 years we have raised 7 babies and I have been very isolated to our home and not very involved in the community. I feel like a stranger again when I do go to town and I realize I want so desperately to be liked.
And then along came this virus and instantly everyone on my news feed was yelling. Trying to control others. They still are. And I've been quiet because I really want to be your friend. Because relationships matter. But I've also learned people who say they won't be your friend anymore unless you behave a certain way, are either bluffing, or probably not the friend I can be around right now anyway. I've learned costumes don't matter, but other things do. Some things, very few, but SOME are worth speaking up about.
"You can't control people." Wise words from my mom a few years ago. She was right...mom's always are you know. You can't. You can teach, you can talk until you're blue, you can yell, and scream and even try to manipulate, but you can not control how another person is going to choose to behave. And it's a good thing, even though you don't see it. Because your own actions are the only ones you really want to be responsible for.
But we do want control of so many people other than ourselves. We want to control the way the person in front of us is driving. We want to control our neighbors lawn mowing schedule. We want to control the lines at the grocery store, the way the waitress does their job, the list goes on and on. Because all of this stuff affects us. And we have gotten together over the years and created laws to try to control the actions of others. This is a delicate balance isn't it? To be sure the right of freedom of one doesn't violate the right of freedom of another. It is an important and complicated issue and the future of our nation depends on the discussion of it. But its not one that should be screamed or even lectured across social media. It's not one that should be made out of fear or emotion but clear reason and much thought and prayer.
I've admitted before I struggle with yelling at my kids. It's a default reaction when I am overwhelmed, a learned style of parenting I didn't want to continue but seems to be a reflex. And when I reflect on why I yell, its always because I am afraid. I yell because I see their behavior and I am fearful for their future. I want them to be happy and live great lives and I worry if they don't learn  they will not. I yell because I worry their behavior is a reflection of my abilities and my worth and that terrifies me because I am doing all that I can. I yell because this is so important and I'm afraid they don't realize it. I yell when I can't control their behavior and I don't know what else to do.
I'd guess that's why a lot of you are yelling. You are afraid, for yourselves, for your families, for your friends. And you are afraid you don't have any control over this situation, over the behaviors of the people around you, and ultimately you don't have any control over life and death.
I don't want to yell. But I do want to say "please be careful". Because the need to control others can be a very dangerous thing. It might seem ok at first, when it makes sense to you, when it seems to be doing good for what you deem to be good. But with every law, a freedom is surrendered and in trying to control others, we may find we have actually given away control of our ourselves.
A lot is happening right now and it's not about a virus but as the bad sheep on Zootopia says "fear always works". Pay attention. Read full articles and do research for yourselves. You are afraid of a virus, afraid of death. But what we do to each other and to our world because of this fear is what we should be afraid of. Is life worth living if not in freedom? The people who fought for our country didn't believe so. They gave their lives so we could be free, and now we have handed over our freedoms to save our lives. Be careful, I am whispering, in the kindest way. Be careful the life you so desperately want to preserve may be completely forfeited in an effort to do so.
What is true freedom? I have felt so many emotions as I've watched this unfold and struggled with my own desire to want to control what is happening in our country. But when I begin to get fearful of the virus or of what has become of the free country I loved or even what has become of my church, I realize none of it truly matters. This will all fade away. This is not lasting. I would have chosen to not watch our world crumble like this, I would have chosen a happier, smoother path. But there is a promise I believe and know with everything I am, that this is not the end, and that the end of my life will be just the beginning of the one I was always meant to have. And there will be no fear, no pain, not even any yelling. AND... we'll all be friends. And if you believe this too, then you also have no reason to be afraid. And if you are afraid, maybe it's time to bring that to God, and ask for greater faith. This may be the time to ask ourselves if we are ready to die. If we believe what we say we believe as Christians, we should await that hour with joyful hope.
I still want to be your friend, even if you yell, because I love you. But please understand we might not be facebook friends anymore as I need to step away from facebook for my own mental health.
I will be using that time to pray for you and your families and our world, that hearts are brought to choose Jesus, the only place true freedom is found.

Advice from a Struggling Homeschooling Mom to Another...

I've been seeing and hearing so many parents this week struggling with homeschooling. I'd be lying if I told you there haven't been days when I myself have slumped down in a chair after an argument with a child feeling like a complete failure.  We home-schooled our oldest for just 2 years, so I don't consider myself an expert on the subject, but I also find those moms who are really good at homeschooling are totally out of my league. I will never be them and trying to be might just kill me. So instead, from another mom who just makes it through each day, I wanted to share some things I've found to help us survive and even sometimes enjoy the day. I think homeschooling is like parenting, you have to hold on to the good moments. A lot of moments will be hard, horrible, and some just monotonous, but a few glorious ones make it all worth it.

I know when we decided to home-school I had done so much reading and research, mental preparation and prayer about the decision. I have been thinking of so many of you who have had this completely forced on you, and might also be for the first time home with all of your children instead of at work which is another huge adjustment in itself. And some of you are trying to homeschool and juggle working from home or working during the day and doing the work at night. These are almost impossible things to do well. My daughter's physical therapist called me yesterday and asked "hows life as a stay-at-home mom/teacher/PT/OT/etc? We wouldn't probably in a normal situation take on all of these things because we know we can't do them all well. So the best thing you will do for your mental health, survival, and overall mood is set a clear expectation that the goal here is survival, the basics, not perfection, not even to do any of it well. I don't want to give the impression I don't think you should try at all, we can tend to give in to laziness when faced with something difficult. I'm not saying you shouldn't try at all, I'm just saying if it was your first hike ever, you probably wouldn't expect to climb Mt. Everest and be the best that's ever climbed. Start with the expectation that you'll do the best you can for a first time homeschooler, and allow yourself the freedom to to better or worse than that without extreme expectations.

Speaking of expectations, start with letting go of some you might have for how life has been in the past. Homeschooling takes a lot of time. It is a full time job, you will find ways to get laundry and dishes done etc, but expect that your house will not be clean. I remember when I was working outside the home I had this expectation that once I started to stay home my house would be so much cleaner because I would have more time to clean. WRONG. Because you are home more and LIVING in your home, its messier even though you clean even more. And once I started homeschooling so much time is given to that even more things fall behind. Find a way to be ok with this. Everyone has their own priorities, you will find a balance of where you want to spend your time and what level of clean you can be ok with. I sweep the floor multiple times a day and then I am ok with clutter as long as there aren't crumbs sticking to my feet. One of my friends just needs clean countertops and then she is ok with the mess in the rest of the house. Find what you need for your own sanity and your family's health. The good news is, if you clean for prideful reasons, no one is coming over for a good long time so you'll be fine there. ;) 

Accept that you have strengths and weaknesses, and teach your child accordingly. I am not crafty or artistic. Not one bone in my body. So you won't find my fb flooded with crafts that my children are doing. I could easily get discouraged by my super-mom friends who post something different every day they have done with their kids. But I am good at keeping my kids on schedule, reading to them, teaching them their basics, and we have really good music and religion lessons because that's my strength. The best part about this short-term homeschooling thing, is that you don't need to compensate for your weaknesses. When we were homeschooling year-long, I had to find ways to be sure I was still teaching my children the essential art skills. You are homeschooling for two months or less. I know my kids would seriously be just fine if they didn't do a craft that whole entire time. Luckily, the hardest part has been done for us, the teachers have handpicked activities and all the kids work and wrapped it up in a nice little package for us, so we don't have to be creative or even know what our kids need to be learning, we just need to walk beside them as they do it.

The leads to the next important thing. Something I really learned and think is so wonderful about homeschooling is that children CAN learn on their own. The skill to be able to learn things on their own is a very important one that will take them very far in life. Some kids in traditional school never learn this skill because they are always being directed, being fed information. Once your child gets used to not being in the school environment, you will find they get used to independently learning, and they may learn more quickly or retain more because they are taking the initiative to learn on their own. This desire to learn and the recognition that they can learn anything they wish, is crucial to being a lifelong learner and successful in the future. Be ok that if your student read the textbook and did the worksheets correctly they get it, there's no expectation or reason for you to verbally
"teach" the lesson. We tend to think we should because this is how we were taught, but its really only necessary if they are having trouble or not understanding the material.

Give your child ownership of completing their work. When I was homeschooling, my kids had a checklist each day of what they needed to do for the day. That way there is a clear expectation, it's up to them if they want to do it all first thing in the morning or spread it out over the day. Once their checklist is complete they get some reward. For my kids technology is a huge motivator, so they know if they do all their school work and chores AND without complaining or fighting with each other then they can play games on an iPad or computer later in the day. Find what motivates your child, maybe its outside play, maybe its TV, maybe its playing a game with you etc. This is what I found to be probably the  most helpful in getting them to just do their work without fighting about it all day.

And there will be fighting. Expect there to be an adjustment period. Just like with anything with parenting, your kids are going to test you to see if you are going to actually follow through and make them do their work. Once they realize you are, they won't push against it each day. So for those of you who are ready to throw in the towel two days in, know that it will get better and know that you aren't the only way feeling that way. As I said, I'm writing this post in response to all my dear friends struggles in hopes that I can help make these next few weeks or months a little less stressful for you and your kids. As one of my best friends texted me in response to how homeschooling was going: "pray for your godchildren bc they are going to need it."

Finally, I can't neglect what I feel is the most important tool I have for home-schooling and stay-at-home parenting. Prayer. We build in prayer time throughout the day with the kids and this is essential. But my days either smooth-sail or crash and burn based on my morning routine. If I am able to be up before the kids to spend time in silence and prayer, before anyone is crawling on my or needing me, and when I can give the day to God and remember its His work I am doing, then our days go so much better. If I sleep in and a crying child wakes me before I have been able to even brush my teeth and have a cup of coffee, I seem to feel I am running from behind all day, and I am crabby when I'm feeling behind.

Below is a basic schedule that we follow. Obviously a positive of homeschooling is that the day can be flexible to what is going on. Not that anyone has anywhere to go right now, but if you're working from home or the weather is just beautiful out and it's going to rain later, you can adjust accordingly to make the most of the day. I know some teachers, and our daughters PK is one, that are doing scheduled classes on Zoom. Those might be great for some kids, for our daughter who has down syndrome, she just wants to look at the screen and isn't getting much more than a social piece out of it, so we opted to only sign in for the first part and do our classwork separately. Talk to your teacher to find out what options you have if Zoom is not working for your family, I think everyone just wants the children to succeed right now and all of my children's teachers have been absolutely wonderful during this. Thank you God for them!!

5:00 am/5:30 am Mom prayer/shower/coffee/exercise (I don't want to leave the impression that I exercise everyday in the morning, I totally SHOULD, and in the warm months I do sometimes run or walk, but in the winter I am a complete bum and I'm totally ok with that as I decided I didn't have time for both and prayer won out. My poor Physical Therapist friend is dying inside a little right now - sorry! But if this is crucial for your physical and mental health, don't neglect it.)
6:30 am/7:00 am kids start waking up in my house. We wait until everyone is awake to do breakfast otherwise I can spend an hour dishing out and cleaning up breakfast. The bonus of not rushing out the door, there's actual time to do "good" breakfast like eggs/pancakes/etc that we would never attempt if needing to catch the bus, but we still opt often for the easy cereal choice.
8:00 am Kids get dressed/brush teeth/make beds/morning chores (feed dog/bring up laundry/empty dishwasher/etc) Mom cleans up from breakfast, starts laundry or other household chores, starts to get ready for school work and plays with little kids.
8:30 am/9:00 am Morning Prayer all together (I suggest morning offering and intentions for the day or morning prayer from liturgy of the hours for older kids.) Start schoolwork. Hopefully you have gotten a nice checklist from your child's teacher, if not, I would make one. Don't forget to add reading time and anything else you want them to do each day.
10:00 am Angelus Prayer/Snack/recess/play
10:30 am We do a Religion Lesson/Piano lesson/finish any other work at this time. If you don't have a religion textbook but think now is a great time to incorporate that into your child's day, ask your church to borrow something, I am encouraging my parents to do this at our church. But if you don't have anything, my kids love acting out the bible stories of the days lesson, so any childrens bible or bible story will work!
Noon Lunch (we keep lunch very simple. Sandwiches, mac and cheese, chicken strips, leftovers from supper, nothing that takes longer than 15 minutes to make, add fruits and veggies of course.)
12:30 pm Clean up lunch, play outside
1:00 pm Naps for younger children/Quiet time (reading or quiet play for older children), this is when I normally pray the rosary and do household chores and respond to messages, yard work outside, etc. Do what you have to to recharge. This is when my kids do their reading time for school or if they can't read yet but aren't napping they have to play with legos or puzzles or something like that quietly. Kids actually need this time as much as we do. To learn how to be still and not be entertained is also a valuable life skill to teach!
2:00 pm Technology time if earned (this is also when my kids do their Seesaw videos from their teacher).
3:00 pm Act of Contrition or Divine Mercy Prayer/Snack/Play outside - I try to play if I can. I have to make an effort not to just always be a "teacher" but spend time having fun with them.  I also try to play with my older kids while the younger kids are napping because otherwise they rarely get that one on one time.
4:30 pm Start prepping supper, when it's rainy or cold we might do TV time here so I can get supper ready. We actually gave up TV for lent (I know, not the best year right?), but on a rough day I know my limits and I've allowed them to watch "Formed" which is great Catholic Programming that's being offered for free right now.

This is what works for us, we don't follow it strictly time-wise but its our general order of the day. You will find what works for you, but the key would be consistency. Even as adults, we are much happier/more at peace when we know exactly what to expect. As your kids come to know what they will be doing each day you will find they are much happier and less anxious and more willing to comply.

Most of all, I hope I can help you make it a little more manageable so you can find the beauty that is underneath all of the hard about this situation. Because no matter how much you struggle through this, there will be a moment when today your child knows something or can do something today that yesterday they could not do. And in that moment, you will get to experience the joy of watching them learn. The same way your heart overflowed when you watched them take their first step, when they said their first word. Now you get to be the one there for that moment, and its an incredible gift. And there are so many others. Like watching siblings play and find such joy with each other, watching them take care of each other, being there to play together.

I snapped this photo last week when Nathaniel spent 30 minutes reading books to his younger brothers snuggled in our bed. My heart couldn't contain it, and the moment wouldn't have happened if he was at school.
I'm not trying to paint an unrealistic picture that they will all get along and you'll magically be your favorite teacher, Mary Poppins and Martha Stewart all rolled together. Like I said, most days we will probably all feel like failures most of the time. My youngest threw a walkie-talkie at Sam's head just this morning. But I do know there is a lot of great beauty happening there in your home. There are plenty of teachers who can teach your child, but no one can love them the way you do. My youngest also walked over after his timeout and gave Sam the biggest hug which he smiled and returned and the two of them played outside together for the next hour like the best of friends. Where else besides our home can we really learn the meaning of unconditional love and forgiveness?
If you can get past the fact that this might be one of the hardest things you ever do, it might also be one of the best. How wonderful really, to get to be with the people who love you the most all day long. (You do love each other, sometimes you just have to remind yourselves.) And that's really the only thing you absolutely have to teach them in the next two months. Everything else is just a bonus.

You're doing great mom. Know of my prayers for you today!

Run, Hide, Divide

Run, hide, divide. Those three words keep running through my mind as I scroll through my social media. Beside making me desperately want to stop using social media all together, what I am seeing around me has brought those phrases to mind. Those three things are always the devil's goal. He loves to put us in situations that will bring about this response, and he loves when we respond that way. When we think back to Adam and Eve in the garden, their sin causes them to run and hide from God, someone who they loved and enjoyed spending time with before sin. Their sin caused them to hold themselves back from each other, now needing to wear clothes and being "afraid" of the other.
There is this drastic difference between good and evil. God wants us together, He created us for union with Himself and with each other, we see this from the story of creation and we see it in the miracles of Jesus which were almost always about reconnecting people to each other. In the stories of the multiplication of loaves instead of "dispersing the crowds" to get their own food, he tells the disciples not to send them away but have them sit down to eat together. He heals lepers so they can rejoin the church communities in worship, he heals the hemorrhaging woman so she can do the same.  The stories go on and on and on.
But the disciples are slow to learn this. And so are we. They continue to divide, argue, disagree. They run and separate when Jesus is crucified. I remember some spiritual advice that has served me well over many years: The devil always says "RUN". He wants us to make quick decisions. We tend to get excited and think we must act instantly when something comes. But good discernment teaches God unfolds things in hearts slowly. If I'm feeling the need to make a quick decision I'm probably prodded by the wrong voice.
We've been working a lot with our cattle who are having baby calves right now. Really my favorite time of year, they are so cute, the kids love them, and I love learning the lessons God places in front of me as we work with them.
One of the things about cattle, and even more so if you've ever watched a herd of sheep, is that herd animals have a high fear response. If one gets spooked by something and starts to run, they all do. I'm sure if I did a little research I'd find this is a natural heard protection. One sees a dangerous predator and it makes sense for all to run without sticking around to investigate for themselves. It can be helpful if really in a dangerous environment, like herds out in the wild on their own.
But for our herd, and herds with good shepherds, they are well taken care of and they don't have anything to be afraid of. They often spook over the smallest movement, one loud noise sends them all running. It's quite silly to watch, they will work themselves all up, you can see the fear and panic in their eyes and they'll tire themselves out running from one side of the yard to the other. Sometimes they'll slip and fall down because they're trying to move so fast. Often they run into each other.
It's not a coincidence Jesus talked often about us in parables about sheep. We are so similar sometimes, so afraid, so in need of protection. And He tells us "He is the Good shepherd who lays down his life for his sheep." Now, I love my cows, but I promise you I would never die for one. They are just animals. But that is what Jesus did for us. And because of that we no longer have anything to be afraid of.
But we are not acting like that right now. We are not acting like sheep who are well taken care of. We are not acting like people who know that death is nothing to be feared. We might be facing this trial just to find out what we really believe.
I'm not saying we shouldn't be smart about taking precautions and doing what we can to protect life. But I am saying that if we are finding ourselves incredibly fearful then we might need to do some praying about what we really believe about death. And if we find ourselves feeling the inclination to run, hide, divide we might need to spend some time discerning the voice of truth. I think there is a delicate balance in this situation as with any, to make good decisions to protect life with the intelligence we've been given by God, and to also face the reality that this is a good as a time as any to hold our faith to the fire and find out what it is truly made of.
Do I trust that I am being taken care of by the Good Shepherd, who ensures that I am always safe even when I feel afraid?
And I'm also saying, even pleading with you, please avoid the temptation to let this fear divide us. Because worse than running with the herd is being so afraid you split off. When we are moving animals between pens, it's often when trying to get a cow where we want her to go, she becomes extra afraid. None of us really like being told what to do. We tend to dig in in our heals and decide "anywhere but when you are trying to push me" is where we want to be. And because of this fear, we'll see cows stop following the herd and move into a "save my life at all costs" mentality, which usually results in them running into a gate, slipping and falling, or ending up completely separating from the herd which was not their intent.
Yesterday, on glorious social media I saw a post from a friend questioning the faith of those who had canceled a church service. It really hurt me to read it. All over the place there are such strong opinions on what to do, a ton of judgement about what is being done, and I don't know about you, but I am afraid if I cough in public I might get stoned. It's easy when you have someone up against a corner to divide them from the herd.
So hear this today: you are not in a corner. You have been given an eternal pasture by the one who created it all. You are being taken care of by the greatest shepherd of all time, who not only cares for you and only wants whats best for you, but cares about you so deeply He would (and did) die before seeing you lost. Please do not allow the devil to use this to tear each other apart.
When we sort our cattle to go to pasture, it often requires them to go in a stinky barn and through some pretty restrictive gates. We also separate them from their calves so they won't get injured while we transport them. It's all for their own good and protection to get them where they need to go. The cows who have been with us a long time, know this drill and (usually) easily go where we are directing them. The new ones have the hardest time because even though we've always provided for them and never hurt them, they are so afraid of something unknown.
You know this God, this Good Shepherd. I know you do. He has been speaking to your heart since the day He created you. A lot of other voices are yelling. His voice is calm, and steady, and his words bring peace. "I came that you might have life, and have it to the full." So slow down, take some deep breaths and listen to what He has to say today. I'm confident He'll direct you exactly where you need to go.

If you need to hear it again, here are a couple older posts about fear and trust (and cows): I keep Breaking Back In
Don't Be Afraid, Spring is Coming

When It Doesn't Make Sense

We've been praying over some things for our family for the past month or so. I mean we're always praying but specifically a couple things came up unexpectedly that have thrown me off a little bit. We've had some pretty clear direction with some of our big life decisions over the last couple of years. But recently, things are happening and we are being led in a completely different direction than we set out on. As I struggled with this in prayer one day, I was reminded in my daily readings of the faith of both Abraham and Mary. Both of them were promised greatness of their children. From Abraham's child would come "descendants greater than the number of the stars" and Mary's child was to be the "great king whose reign would never end." Both parents walked alongside their children on the road to the place where they were to be killed. It couldn't have made sense, as Abraham laid his son on the table to be sacrificed, how he would possibly have any descendants. It couldn't have made sense, as Mary watched Jesus take his last breath on the cross, how a dead man might rule forever.

"I'm so confused, I know I heard you loud and clear, so I followed through, and somehow I ended up here." (lyrics from Thy Will Be Done by Hillary Scott)

I wonder if they questioned it at all. I wonder if they doubted if they really understood what God had said. If they thought they did the wrong things? I don't know what they thought, but I do know what they did: They moved. They took the steps no parent thinks they can take. They put one foot in front of the other. It appears, they had such great faith in what God could do, they trusted Him, even when it didn't make sense. And I guess that actually makes sense, because Mary becoming pregnant by the Holy Spirit "didn't make sense" either and God did that.  Abraham's wife getting pregnant  in her old age also "didn't make sense" but God did that too. So they believed God would still make his promises come true, even if they couldn't see how.

God tends to like to remind us of this concept that life comes from death. I mean, to make something grow, to make it live, we bury it. That's kind of opposite of what you'd think if you hadn't lived here your whole life right? If you were the first person on earth and trying to figure out how to bring something to life would your first thought be: lets try to cover it up with dirt and stomp on it? But God weaved this lesson into everything around us, and Jesus told us in a few ways like: "unless a grain of wheat falls upon the ground and dies, it remains just a single grain with no life. But if it dies it bears fruit." or "whoever loses his life will save it"

Sometimes it doesn't make sense at all, how burying something might make it live. How a death might bring life. And yet, we know the story. God did exactly that. One death (Jesus), gave life to all (eternity in heaven for all who chose it!). My heart is breaking for a family close by who is saying goodbye to their infant son. I was so sure he and his family were going to change the worlds idea of down syndrome and be a light for the world to see the beautiful gift it is. So this doesn't make sense.

And yet...

Even when I still can't quite see the big picture of what He's doing I trust Him to bring life out of the letting go because I've seen him do it before.  9 years ago I was burying our third baby in the ground and I had no idea how God was going to make life come from that. This week I celebrated my birthday and my NINE children gathered around the table and sang me the most beautiful happy birthday song I've ever heard. 5 live with us now, (4 adopted and 1 in foster care) and 4 (who used to live with us in foster care) join us on the weekends sometimes and all we love as our own. It's easy to see now looking back why we were led on some of the roads that didn't make sense at the time and didn't seem at all like they would lead us where we thought we were supposed to be going.

"Amen, amen, I say to you, you will weep and mourn, while the world rejoices; you will grieve, but your grief will become joy. 
When a woman is in labor, she is in anguish because her hour has arrived; but when she has given birth to a child, she no longer remembers the pain because of her joy that a child has been born into the world. So you also are now in anguish. But I will see you again, and your hearts will rejoice, and no one will take your joy away from you. On that day you will not question me about anything. Amen, amen, I say to you, whatever you ask the Father in my name he will give you. Until now you have not asked anything in my name; ask and you will receive, so that your joy may be complete." Jn 16

Its not all sunshine and roses when all 9 are home for the weekend. They're all under the age of eight. They've all been through trauma, and being together means seeing birth parents and triggering trauma feelings or memories and of course fighting for attention from 8 other siblings. I pray and hold onto the hope that I KNOW that someday He will heal all of our hearts and we will live in perfect love that we were created for. Until then, I'll keep playing referee and soaking up the 20 seconds when everyone is smiling and singing the same song around the same table. Together. Like we were always meant to be. 

This path looks differently than the one I set out to take, Jesus, and sometimes it just doesn't make sense at all, but give us faith to take the step forward when we do not understand. Take my hand. As long as I'm with You, I know I'll be right where I'm supposed to be. 
P.S. And I'll try to stop asking if we're there yet and just enjoy the journey. 

When It's Hard to Be Thankful

There's been a common theme around me this November: life has been hard. For just about every farmer fall harvest has been hard. For so many of my friends health problems have been hard. Work, relationships, so many things have been hard for so many.
And we're just entering into the hardest season in Minnesota where it's dark more than it's light and the cold isolates us and chills our bones.
Foster care has been such a blessing to our family. And lately, it has been very hard. The two sweeties we raised the last nine months transitioned home in October. Our Tiny who is now a growing two year old returned to our home in September after a difficult 11 months. The transitions of all three brings so many emotions. So much joy, so much sorrow, so much worry. The hard is in the emotions and in the day to day keeping up with everyone, communicating with social workers and birth families all while trying to provide some elements of normalcy and stability for our kids. The hard is days that end in defiant tantrums that have nothing to do with going to bed and everything to do with feeling unloved by a birth-mom, trauma memories or missing a sibling. The hard is watching my children struggle at school because of things that happened to them as infants. The hard is hearing people talk about children like they are an object to be given as a reward for good behavior or a legal piece of property with no emotions.  The hardest is that I can't fix any of it. As much as I try and think I can control it, I really can't. Little things, I can make small tiny improvements maybe. But I alone cannot fix these things that are bigger than little me.

I set these pumpkins out in early November, usually a good time to decorate with pumpkins, but this year, snow and freezing temps came early. I'm not a big fan of people skipping over thanksgiving and jumping right into Christmas, but I couldn't help thinking as I looked as these pumpkins surrounded by snow, as snow came down in blizzard fashion like it was the middle of January, that it is hard to be in thanksgiving spirit when it looks like Christmas already.


It's hard to be thankful when the snow is falling, and it's hard to be thankful when life seems so hard.
But I also decided that giving thanks when it doesn't come easy, is the best thanks of all. It's easy when life is good to list off our blessings. But when life is hard, we have to be intentional about being thankful, it might not come naturally. But if we can be intentional, we might find our blessings multiply. "Thank you for good health" becomes "thank you for caregivers, hospitals, medicine, a rare good nights sleep, a remembered note from a friend, a warm bath, a deep breath." "Thank you for a good harvest" is instead "thank you for safety, time with family, help from a neighbor, solidarity with another who is struggling, reliance on God." "Thank you for answered prayer" is instead "thank you for friends who listened and prayed yet again, for showing us we could in fact make it one more day, for strength, for courage, for all the growth hidden in hardship."  When giving thanks gets harder, it also seems there is more to be thankful for.


I can't change the weather, and I can't fix so many of the hard situations that have collided into my life. And I realize now I'm most thankful that I can't. I'm thankful He is God, and I am not. I'm thankful it's not up to me to decide the weather and I'm thankful it's not up to me to fix any of those things because I have no idea how or where to start. I am thankful I don't have to keep carrying it all, keep trying to fix it all, keep worrying about it all. I am thankful I can simply entrust it to God, do all I can and know He will do what's best.


It is hard, sometimes, often. It's not a short sprint but a marathon-type of hard and we seem to have just gotten started. A lot of days, I am not thankful. I complain. I look for a way out. The end seems a very long way away. Those days are really hard. But some days, even though its hard to be, I am thankful. I look for things to be thankful for, and I find more than I realized I had. Being thankful twists and spins hard situations into reasons for praise. Being thankful reminds me I am not God. Being thankful reminds me I am not in control. And wow am I thankful for all of those things because they bring me peace!


I know it's been a hard year for a lot of us. Praying for you this week and this next year, that when it's hard to be thankful, you can still be thankful and find that you are more blessed than ever.  

I Keep Breaking Back In

Sending cattle to pasture is one of my favorite farm activities. Not only is it great to just get them out of the yard along with their smells, flies and poop, its great to see them take off into the green grass, munching as much as they possibly can at first and then settling into a constant eating/sleeping rhythm. The calves run around and play and they all just enjoys the space, the clean place to lay and of course the delicious grass green grass.

This year, we had two calves who just couldn't make it into the pasture. Usually, calves follow their mama's anywhere, so we don't have to worry if they can get out of the fence because they won't go far from their moms. But for whatever reason, these two calves left the pasture and wouldn't go back in. One was trying, he could see his mom on the other side of the fence, but he could not figure out how to get back in. (FYI It's almost always, just the way you got out) But he just kept trying to go the most direct/quickest way, and that way was blocked. We finally, after MULTIPLE attempts, chased him away from where he wanted to go through the fence to the open gate where he could get in. And then, when he still wouldn't go through the open gate, his nervous mom ended up coming to get him and we finally were able to chase them both back inside the fence.

But THIS guy(can you find him in the shadows?)...WOULD NOT LEAVE THE PEN. I have NEVER had to chase a calf OUT of the pen. We'd open the gate wide and he'd just sit there. We'd chase him all around and he'd do whatever he could not to go through that open gate. When we finally got him through the open gate, instead of running toward the pasture, he'd dart the opposite way, run all the way around the outside of the pen, and duck back INTO the pen through the feed bunk. I have NEVER seen a calf break back into the pen. About ten times we repeated this cycle, we'd chase him out, he'd break back in. Finally we gave up, left the gate open and hoped he'd eventually get hungry or miss his mom and go looking for her. But there he sat. For hours. All day.


This pen had been his home his whole life of 2 months. This was his security, this was all he knew. Stinky and cold and damp but it was home. Outside the pen was green grass, and warm sunshine, and a warm breeze where he could nap under the shade of a tree. But he was too scared of what he didn't know. So there he sat. In his own poop. Because it was familiar.
This must be what God feels like, I thought so many times that day as I was trying to convince this stubborn calf there was something better than the pen he was clinging to so stubbornly. Paradise is waiting but we'd rather sit in our own filth. We tend to hold on, to our anger, our unforgiveness, our hurt, our bitterness, our sin. Jesus went first and flung the gate open for us on his way out to the pasture, but so often there we still sit. Too afraid to leave, too comfortable? And then, after a good long wait, he tries to chase us out. Because he loves us, and gosh there is paradise just beyond the gate, where the sun will always be on our face and our bellies will never be hungry. Where the weight of worry will never rest on our shoulders again. So he tries to chase us there by allowing things to happen in our lives to make us really think about our pen and question if it's so great after all.




We understand I think, this inability to trust when we have never seen. For someone who has never known the goodness of trusting God, it makes sense their hesitance to leave the comforts they know. But how silly once we've been to the pasture, to break back into the pen? How crazy to know what's good for you and do the opposite? 


So what am I doing? I have spent the last year angry and afraid because of what is happening to children in our child protection system, because of what happened and what might be happening to a little boy I loved as my own. I let anger and fear and refusal to trust steal so many moments of happy. I let it eat away at my relationships, I let it steal my peace, my prayer, my soul. I spent a year in that crummy, cold pen and I was finally crawling my way back to the pasture. I was finally feeling the weight of worry eased as I entrusted my worries to God. I was finally starting to forgive.
I finally surrendered Tiny and his future to God. Finally able to say "OK", I trust you know whats best for him eternally, even if it doesn't make sense to me now. I was doing well loving the people who had hurt me and hurt him.
And then, he came back. And there are a million things I want to tell you about that that I can't share but I will just say he was truly being protected by God the way it happened. I spent a week in thanksgiving just enjoying the time with him and being back together again. It was such a great place to not be worrying about him anymore and knowing that God had it under control. The sun felt so good on my face.
And then after about a week I broke back in to the pen. I took it all back. Everything I had given away to God. I grabbed back control and worry. It's ridiculous, to know what's good for you and do the opposite. But here I sit. In this yuck. How do I get out? (It's almost always the way you got in.)


But what if I really can't figure it out. What if we really know we want paradise, peace and love my heart longs for but we just aren't sure how to get there? We can see and smell peace and love and surrender on the other side of the fence but we just can't figure out how to get there from here? The only thing I keep thinking is: Follow your mama.
Calves, children, everyone knows mama's only want the best for their babies and won't lead them wrongly. How did Mary live out her life on earth? She continually surrendered to the will of God. She "pondered things in her heart". She didn't try to correct or fix or change what was being asked of her. She trusted. She spent time with Jesus. She went out about her daily life knowing each day her son's life, her life, was set for suffering. But she knew the goodness of the pasture. She trusted. I pray that you can trust like Mary today, and have the peace that comes with surrender to the will of God.
If you're really stuck, don't worry, the good shepherd will come along and try to chase you out eventually, but it would sure be easier for everyone if you would just follow your mama.

The Reason Every Day is the Best

Oh Husband,
Tomorrow we celebrate 12 years. Its hard to believe it was that long ago that the "best day of my life" was finally happening. I remember the joy of the day so clearly, how I think I smiled the whole entire day, and I never believed I would be so happy ever in my lifetime. Sometimes it feels like yesterday, and sometimes, I think about the things we've been through together and it's hard to believe it's ONLY been 12 years. But today, as I'm thinking about you and the gift you've been to me, I just want to thank God for you. Of all the incredible blessings in my life, and I have been seriously spoiled by my Father God, you are the greatest blessing of all.
You have seen me at my worst and loved me anyway. You have walked with me through so many seasons of grief. You have held my hand, and held my body up as we have laid child after child in the ground. You have prayed over them when I could not utter the words. You kept a steady, even faith through every trial we have faced. You have been the voice of reason when I am being irrational and I know you want to be too. The number of hours or probably days worth of crying you have sat with me through I cannot count. You have always been the strong one, the one who holds all the burdens of our family on your shoulders. You balance the emotions of loss and foster care and worry and things being out of our control along with providing for our family. And I know that when you walk out the door, you go to take on the burdens of your friends and your customers and your customers who have long since become friends. I see you care so deeply about their families and their success and I don't know how you possibly have anything left to give them after our family demands so much of you, but you always give everyone all you have.
What I love the most, is that after everything we've been through the last 12 years, after everything that has been placed on your shoulders, you still walk through the door every day with a smile on your face, so happy to be home. You still can walk in to a house full of crying, fighting crabby children and an even crabbier wife, and completely change the atmosphere and have us all laughing and smiling in a matter of minutes. I love that after 12 years you still have the same mischievous look in your eyes and all it takes is one look to know you still love me like crazy. I cannot figure out why. But I'll take it. Because I never would believed this if you told me twelve years ago, but tonight when you walk in the door, I will love you even more than I did back then. It will bring me even more joy than the day of our wedding to be with you. It's such an honor to be married to you, to get to walk these hard roads with you and the joyful ones.
Last week, a song came on the radio, and Little Man was dancing, and decided to slink over and climb into your lap and lay his head on your shoulder, right as the words of the song sang "you're a good, good Father." I thanked God in that moment and every day that my children get to have the best father in the world. I thanked Him that they would know who He is because you are showing them what a fathers love is supposed to be. There are so many kids in the world who have no idea what the unconditional, constant, unchanging, forgiving, protective, wise, patient love of a father is and because of that they may never know or may struggle to understand the love of their heavenly Father. But not our kids. Not all the kids you are "dad" to that don't live here anymore. They are so blessed, because you are an incredible father, and we are so lucky to be your family.

You are a man of a million talents and its fun watching you and the things you can do. I can't understand how you seem to know or figure out how to fix or build just about anything from construction to mechanics to the kids toys. And I haven't yet heard anyone else say they know someone who has come home and built a 30 foot deck in one day by themselves, so maybe you're the only actual super-dad out there. And as much as I admire all of those things, most of all, it's when you bow your head before a meal and thank God or humbly ask for patience or forgiveness that I'm confident you're the greatest man I know.
These twelve years have been full of heartache and overfull of blessing as we welcomed more children in heaven than we can count, adopted 4, have 5 living under our roof right now (except for that one crazy month where there were 7!!), 4 that live under another roof but we love as our own and sometimes parent on the weekends, and others who have only stayed a few days. We've started a new business, purchased a farm, had 5,678 fights about money and who left their shoes in front of the door and who works too much and who should take out the garbage (FYI, you've forgotten the last 195 days). We've been handed children unexpectedly and we've had children taken unexpectedly. But everyday, every struggle, every joy, you have been there, and that has been the greatest blessing of all. No matter what happens the next twelve, the next fifty, I will be blessed because I get to live them out with you. And every day, everything we encounter, has been another opportunity to grow, and makes me love you even more. So tomorrow, 12 years later, I'm living out the best day of my life all over again. And I'll do it again next week. Thanks for making every day the best one yet (unless we're going to look at the farm books...then we're probably going to have a nice fight and not talk until morning.) Ok...even days we kindly and politely (right!?) discuss our farming business, those are the best days too. Love you!