When It Doesn't Make Sense

We've been praying over some things for our family for the past month or so. I mean we're always praying but specifically a couple things came up unexpectedly that have thrown me off a little bit. We've had some pretty clear direction with some of our big life decisions over the last couple of years. But recently, things are happening and we are being led in a completely different direction than we set out on. As I struggled with this in prayer one day, I was reminded in my daily readings of the faith of both Abraham and Mary. Both of them were promised greatness of their children. From Abraham's child would come "descendants greater than the number of the stars" and Mary's child was to be the "great king whose reign would never end." Both parents walked alongside their children on the road to the place where they were to be killed. It couldn't have made sense, as Abraham laid his son on the table to be sacrificed, how he would possibly have any descendants. It couldn't have made sense, as Mary watched Jesus take his last breath on the cross, how a dead man might rule forever.

"I'm so confused, I know I heard you loud and clear, so I followed through, and somehow I ended up here." (lyrics from Thy Will Be Done by Hillary Scott)

I wonder if they questioned it at all. I wonder if they doubted if they really understood what God had said. If they thought they did the wrong things? I don't know what they thought, but I do know what they did: They moved. They took the steps no parent thinks they can take. They put one foot in front of the other. It appears, they had such great faith in what God could do, they trusted Him, even when it didn't make sense. And I guess that actually makes sense, because Mary becoming pregnant by the Holy Spirit "didn't make sense" either and God did that.  Abraham's wife getting pregnant  in her old age also "didn't make sense" but God did that too. So they believed God would still make his promises come true, even if they couldn't see how.

God tends to like to remind us of this concept that life comes from death. I mean, to make something grow, to make it live, we bury it. That's kind of opposite of what you'd think if you hadn't lived here your whole life right? If you were the first person on earth and trying to figure out how to bring something to life would your first thought be: lets try to cover it up with dirt and stomp on it? But God weaved this lesson into everything around us, and Jesus told us in a few ways like: "unless a grain of wheat falls upon the ground and dies, it remains just a single grain with no life. But if it dies it bears fruit." or "whoever loses his life will save it"

Sometimes it doesn't make sense at all, how burying something might make it live. How a death might bring life. And yet, we know the story. God did exactly that. One death (Jesus), gave life to all (eternity in heaven for all who chose it!). My heart is breaking for a family close by who is saying goodbye to their infant son. I was so sure he and his family were going to change the worlds idea of down syndrome and be a light for the world to see the beautiful gift it is. So this doesn't make sense.

And yet...

Even when I still can't quite see the big picture of what He's doing I trust Him to bring life out of the letting go because I've seen him do it before.  9 years ago I was burying our third baby in the ground and I had no idea how God was going to make life come from that. This week I celebrated my birthday and my NINE children gathered around the table and sang me the most beautiful happy birthday song I've ever heard. 5 live with us now, (4 adopted and 1 in foster care) and 4 (who used to live with us in foster care) join us on the weekends sometimes and all we love as our own. It's easy to see now looking back why we were led on some of the roads that didn't make sense at the time and didn't seem at all like they would lead us where we thought we were supposed to be going.

"Amen, amen, I say to you, you will weep and mourn, while the world rejoices; you will grieve, but your grief will become joy. 
When a woman is in labor, she is in anguish because her hour has arrived; but when she has given birth to a child, she no longer remembers the pain because of her joy that a child has been born into the world. So you also are now in anguish. But I will see you again, and your hearts will rejoice, and no one will take your joy away from you. On that day you will not question me about anything. Amen, amen, I say to you, whatever you ask the Father in my name he will give you. Until now you have not asked anything in my name; ask and you will receive, so that your joy may be complete." Jn 16

Its not all sunshine and roses when all 9 are home for the weekend. They're all under the age of eight. They've all been through trauma, and being together means seeing birth parents and triggering trauma feelings or memories and of course fighting for attention from 8 other siblings. I pray and hold onto the hope that I KNOW that someday He will heal all of our hearts and we will live in perfect love that we were created for. Until then, I'll keep playing referee and soaking up the 20 seconds when everyone is smiling and singing the same song around the same table. Together. Like we were always meant to be. 

This path looks differently than the one I set out to take, Jesus, and sometimes it just doesn't make sense at all, but give us faith to take the step forward when we do not understand. Take my hand. As long as I'm with You, I know I'll be right where I'm supposed to be. 
P.S. And I'll try to stop asking if we're there yet and just enjoy the journey.