The Infertility Post No One Wants to Read

My husband and I have been married for 6 years, in that time we have lost 5 children. We’ve spent thousands of dollars on tests, surgeries, doctor’s appointments, and medications. We’ve lived on a roller coaster of emotions from joy after months spent trying to get pregnant yielded 2 pink lines, to the worry when things started to go wrong, and the complete devastation at the loss of a child, and worst of all the helpless feeling when my child was dying inside of me and there was nothing I could do.

To tell you more details would be a book, one that is still being written, but I felt the need to post this brief version because I feel it’s something that’s missing on the internet about infertility. So, here it goes:

When my husband and I wanted to start a family and we were met with such disappointment and pain, it led to me being very bitter and jealous. After losing our 3^rd child it’s safe to say that I “hated” pregnant women. ALL pregnant women everywhere. I didn’t feel any of them were as deserving as my husband and I were, and especially the ones close in our families it was very difficult to see them blessed with children while it was so hard for us to get pregnant, and then when we did it felt like we were being tortured because we had to watch them all die.

 I heard a priest say once that envy is admiring something someone else has and wishing you had it too, but jealousy is not wanting them to have it either because you don’t have it. It’s a deadly sin and I was so guilty. I didn’t think that they should have children because I couldn’t either. I know it sounds horrible and I would love to keep those terrible thoughts to myself so you don’t think less of me, but I want you to understand the horrible place you can let infertility take you too.

A very close family member’s unexpected pregnancy announcement was the last straw for me. I was so angry at them and so angry at God for “doing this to me”. But as I was praying for help to get through this I suddenly realized, “when did I get like this?” When did I become this terrible person that wished infertility on others, that thought since I can’t have it neither can they? Most importantly, when did I decide that I had to have children to be happy? A long time ago I placed my life in God’s hands, no matter where he was leading me I trusted that his plan would bring me the most the most joy. And time and time again He had proven that to me. But once I got married I guess I kind of quit asking him for direction and just decided that kids were the only thing that was going to make me happy. And that is the problem with infertility. When you’re told you can’t have something you just want it more than ever. And so many of us when faced with an obstacle will do whatever it takes to get it, and we won’t be happy until we do. And we forget that someone who loves us more than anyone else on the planet has a plan for us to be happy, if we would just put our lives in his hands. It’s not just couples struggling with infertility that struggle with this, it’s single people that want to be married, married people that want to be single, poor people that want to be rich, the list goes on and on. The beauty of it all is that if we can just get over the “poor me’s” and trust where he’s leading us, I promise we will always find the greatest joy that life holds.

So I titled this post the one “nobody wants to read” because it’s true. When I was struggling with infertility or something else difficult I just wanted to feel sorry for myself and I wanted the rest of the world to too. I found all kinds of infertility blogs to share my sorrow and we could all try to charge forward and get what we wanted together. And maybe if I had read a post like this I wouldn’t have listened anyway, but I do feel that so many infertility articles and posts did me a disservice because they played right into my game of getting what I wanted.

So here’s my contribution, what I want to say to everyone I meet that’s struggling with infertility but don’t have the guts to. It’s time to let go of what YOU want and start asking what HE wants for you. Probably, you’re missing out on a whole lot of great gifts waiting for you while you’re sitting there sulking about the one you didn’t get. A perfect example: while I was praying and praying for kids I was blessed with 10 nieces and nephews and 8 godchildren, that's a crazy lot of kids! All those times I was angry at God for “hurting” me by allowing my close friends and family to get pregnant like he was rubbing it in or something. Now it’s easy to see he was answering my prayers by surrounding me with the babies I longed for.

I think a lot of people go through infertility, jump through hoops of fire and spend a million dollars and finally get the child they want, and maybe they will be happy because they got what they wanted. But maybe there is a much greater joy that’s waiting, if only they could trust their Father. I’m praying for each of you reading this that you can trust him enough to follow Him into the scary and unknown place he’s leading you. It won’t be easy, but you won’t be disappointed.

 

*A final note, for any family or friends reading this: I am deeply sorry for hating you while you were pregnant. Please know I love you and your children and consider you one of the greatest blessings in my life. I’m so sorry for any hurt I ever caused you while I was being self-centered.