Look Up Child

You cannot hit the ball when you aren't looking at it. We love baseball in this house. It helps that my 9 year old is insanely good at it, something I can take no credit for, as my sister-in-law likes to say "he came out of the womb throwing a fast ball". But my 5 year year old has followed suit and can hit a pretty mean line drive with his scrawny little arms. We spend a lot of hours playing baseball and watching baseball and with lots of little friends over to play often I've found the secret to helping a child hit the ball is just to get them to look at it. We say that phrase, "keep your eye on the ball" but that doesn't really register well to young kids. They don't seem to understand that they stop looking at the ball long before it hits their bat. And often when someone is having trouble hitting, parents and coaches will start offering advice about their stance or keeping their elbows up or swinging sooner, etc, but the reality is none of that stuff matters if you just won't look at the ball. Once you are looking at the ball those things can greatly refine your hit but if you're not looking they just seem to take your focus off of looking at the ball even more. And then add lots of people watching and now it's harder than ever to look at that tiny little ball that is so small compared to everything else going on.

Alright, enough baseball, where am I going with this? I've been a roller coaster of emotions during the last couple months as the world as we know it has stopped/gone crazy/fill in the blank with whatever you would call it. I've been upset with politicians, media, church leaders, and random people spewing their anger at the world. I've been worried about the future of our country, about the spiritual and emotional health of others, about my foster children and others,  and always unfortunately about what people will think. But every time I find myself upset or worried I realize its because I'm not watching the ball. I'm looking around at everything else that doesn't matter, and I'm not watching Jesus. My eyes are so fixed on the crowd I have no chance of hitting the ball that is the whole reason I am here.
I think of the story of Jesus and Peter walking on water in Matthew 14. When Peter walks on water notice he does just fine while he is looking at Jesus, but as soon as he starts to notice the wind and waves and he starts to sink.

"Peter got out of the boat and began to walk on the water toward Jesus.But when he saw how [strong] the wind was he became frightened; and, beginning to sink, he cried out, “Lord, save me!” Mt 14:29-30

The wind and waves weren't new. They were there when he started out. But he didn't care because he was watching Jesus. The fact that the man was actually walking on water and still lost faith is incredible isn't it? I feel like that first step would be the hardest and after that it should be a piece of cake! But I'm guessing that was probably the problem. We tend to set out on something really hard knowing full well we can't do it ourselves and relying on the Holy Spirit for help. But once we start to do well, we sometimes start putting too much stock in ourselves, we might start to think we're walking on the water from our own greatness and not that of Jesus. And that might be scary, because  when Jesus had it covered there wasn't anything to be afraid of but if it's more about our ability, those waves are suddenly looking a lot bigger.

I have got to keep my eyes looking up, looking toward heaven, to the finish line, to Jesus. When I start looking around, reading news articles, scrolling social media, wondering or caring what others are doing or thinking, I am completely missing the ball. I am afraid, and distracted. But when I remember what this is all about, when I remember the promises, when I just remember He is here right now, then I am just fine. I can do what I've been put here to do, and it won't matter how high the waves get or how unbelievable it might seem to someone still standing in the boat.

One of the many blessings of this time has been that all of my priest friends who are normally way too busy for this type of thing, have had to start ministering online. It's been wonderful to listen to homilies, reflections, and prayers of these wonderful holy men who are so dear to my heart but are working at other parishes and our paths rarely cross.
One day, one of these Fathers suggested, that as frustrating at this time can be, we should try to make it a "spiritual retreat". A time when so many other things have been cleared off of our schedule, we have this great opportunity to focus on our relationship with God. It spoke peace to my soul like nothing else has during this time. He has continued to offer daily reflections and in them a focus on specifically Jesus being here with us always. We know that. God is everywhere. That's kindergarten theology. And yet, how often during the day do I really feel like He is right there beside me? How often do I talk to Him? I realize I had really put God in a very small window of time to only be present with us when I specifically called on him to pray. Church; of course! My morning prayers,  absolutely! Around the dinner table, yes but just for a quick minute before the food gets cold or a small child starts to whine. But when I am cleaning up the 5th spill of milk for the day? No. I wasn't thinking of Him there when tantrums were being thrown about cleaning the living room. I wasn't thinking He was there when hair was getting pulled or arms were getting pinched by angry preschoolers and toddlers. I surely wasn't face to face with Him when I was being impatient with them about all those things because that would have been awkward. I absolutely wasn't picturing him there in the bedroom when I said those mean things to my husband and I didn't think to check if He was around to talk before the hundreth time I picked up my phone to entertain me for the day.
I totally missed the ball. So many times. Almost all the time. He is and was there for every single one of those moments, wanting to bring peace to them, wanting to share them, wanting to help, wanting to offer love and comfort, and I missed it. Him being in those moments changes everything. It doesn't change the event, but changes my response, changes me, changes the atmosphere. When I'm distracted, when I'm looking around or down, I think it's all up to me. I think I'm the only one who can do anything about it and the waves are too high, the water is too deep. But when I'm looking up, when I'm seeing Him right here with me, I remember I am safe, I am taken care of, and not even that it will all be ok LATER, but that it is ok NOW, even if the storm is all around me, because He is here right now.

Watch the ball all the way until it hits your bat. That's what I tell my little people. Don't just keep one eye on Jesus while you're also thinking about keeping your elbow up and watching the crowd from the corner of your other eye. Make Him your sole focus. Realize He's there and invite him into every moment and watch everything else fall into place. Some of that other stuff is important too, holding your elbow up, planting your feet, learning "new" math so you can teach it, getting supper on the table before 7 pm, and BEING KIND, it's all good stuff! But you gotta connect with the ball before anything else will matter. Because if I don't teach them to see Jesus, life will always be a struggle.

 There's an incredible treasure hidden in this moment in history waiting for you to discover it. He is waiting. Start seeing Him. The joy and peace that's waiting for you I can't even describe. And you will get distracted again, and see the wind and waves, just be sure when you do, you follow Peter's lead and cry "Lord save me." You'll be hand-in-hand with Jesus in no time and you won't even care that all your buddies on the boat just watched you almost sink, because you walked on water with Jesus and they were too afraid to get out of the boat. Ever think about that? Even after they watched Peter get out and walk on water, they still stayed in the boat? They were looking around, at the waves, at Peter, even Peter's success was a distraction, and his failure sealed the deal I'm sure. But had they been looking at Jesus, I think they might have taken some steps of their own.
Keep looking up. Nothing has changed, He is still here, and He's giving us the gift of taking more notice and the beauty that comes with a life walked hand in hand with Jesus.

You Can't Be My Friend Anymore

I think I was five years old the first time I ever heard that phrase. My friend and I were planning costumes for a costume parade. My mom had already planned for me to be something I can't remember, and my friend was dead set that she wanted to go dressed as something her sisters won the contest with the previous year. I repeated my mothers wisdom from the background (that it that costume won last year they probably wouldn't award the prize to the same costume this year), which is probably good logic, but not to a five year old. My friend dug in her heals and simply replied, "If you don't dress like me I won't be your friend anymore."
Ugh. Every mamas heart sinks at those words. I know my mothers did as she watched me agree to change costumes to save my friendship. We didn't win the prize, in case you were wondering.
I keep thinking about these words as I scroll through social media getting yelled at. Capital letters, exclamation points, harsh language. Everyone seems to think right now what they have to say is ok to yell. I wonder if they would say it like that out loud, instead of on screen? There's definitely a way to voice your opinion and feelings without yelling, without drawing a line in the sand, but we seem to have lost that on social media. For some reason sharing a post or copying and pasting a post gives people the courage to say something a lot more rudely than they would if they even typed it themselves. But as I scroll through, I'm reading it coming from your mouth, and its tearing at me. Because, even if we disagree, I think we can still be friends. I'd really like to still be your friend. I really think the world would be quite boring if we all thought exactly the same. But your posts and rants send a clear message, that we really can't be friends unless I agree. And I'm not five years old anymore, so that's probably not going to work on me.

I watch kids go through this stage where they use that phrase. Sam wants to go outside, M wants to stay in. Its a beautiful day but she is not used to playing outside as much anymore and has forgotten how great it is, so she says "I won't be your friend anymore if you go outside." It's always about control. When we want to control what someone else is doing and we don't have a good reason, our last resort is the only leverage we have, ourselves.
I realized as I watched a friends video testimony last week and he talked about the need for acceptance with friends being so important to him that it took the place of God in his life.  And I realized how much I have let that slip back into my life in the last few years. We live in between two small communities and we have been very loved by both of them. But the last 5 years we have raised 7 babies and I have been very isolated to our home and not very involved in the community. I feel like a stranger again when I do go to town and I realize I want so desperately to be liked.
And then along came this virus and instantly everyone on my news feed was yelling. Trying to control others. They still are. And I've been quiet because I really want to be your friend. Because relationships matter. But I've also learned people who say they won't be your friend anymore unless you behave a certain way, are either bluffing, or probably not the friend I can be around right now anyway. I've learned costumes don't matter, but other things do. Some things, very few, but SOME are worth speaking up about.
"You can't control people." Wise words from my mom a few years ago. She was right...mom's always are you know. You can't. You can teach, you can talk until you're blue, you can yell, and scream and even try to manipulate, but you can not control how another person is going to choose to behave. And it's a good thing, even though you don't see it. Because your own actions are the only ones you really want to be responsible for.
But we do want control of so many people other than ourselves. We want to control the way the person in front of us is driving. We want to control our neighbors lawn mowing schedule. We want to control the lines at the grocery store, the way the waitress does their job, the list goes on and on. Because all of this stuff affects us. And we have gotten together over the years and created laws to try to control the actions of others. This is a delicate balance isn't it? To be sure the right of freedom of one doesn't violate the right of freedom of another. It is an important and complicated issue and the future of our nation depends on the discussion of it. But its not one that should be screamed or even lectured across social media. It's not one that should be made out of fear or emotion but clear reason and much thought and prayer.
I've admitted before I struggle with yelling at my kids. It's a default reaction when I am overwhelmed, a learned style of parenting I didn't want to continue but seems to be a reflex. And when I reflect on why I yell, its always because I am afraid. I yell because I see their behavior and I am fearful for their future. I want them to be happy and live great lives and I worry if they don't learn  they will not. I yell because I worry their behavior is a reflection of my abilities and my worth and that terrifies me because I am doing all that I can. I yell because this is so important and I'm afraid they don't realize it. I yell when I can't control their behavior and I don't know what else to do.
I'd guess that's why a lot of you are yelling. You are afraid, for yourselves, for your families, for your friends. And you are afraid you don't have any control over this situation, over the behaviors of the people around you, and ultimately you don't have any control over life and death.
I don't want to yell. But I do want to say "please be careful". Because the need to control others can be a very dangerous thing. It might seem ok at first, when it makes sense to you, when it seems to be doing good for what you deem to be good. But with every law, a freedom is surrendered and in trying to control others, we may find we have actually given away control of our ourselves.
A lot is happening right now and it's not about a virus but as the bad sheep on Zootopia says "fear always works". Pay attention. Read full articles and do research for yourselves. You are afraid of a virus, afraid of death. But what we do to each other and to our world because of this fear is what we should be afraid of. Is life worth living if not in freedom? The people who fought for our country didn't believe so. They gave their lives so we could be free, and now we have handed over our freedoms to save our lives. Be careful, I am whispering, in the kindest way. Be careful the life you so desperately want to preserve may be completely forfeited in an effort to do so.
What is true freedom? I have felt so many emotions as I've watched this unfold and struggled with my own desire to want to control what is happening in our country. But when I begin to get fearful of the virus or of what has become of the free country I loved or even what has become of my church, I realize none of it truly matters. This will all fade away. This is not lasting. I would have chosen to not watch our world crumble like this, I would have chosen a happier, smoother path. But there is a promise I believe and know with everything I am, that this is not the end, and that the end of my life will be just the beginning of the one I was always meant to have. And there will be no fear, no pain, not even any yelling. AND... we'll all be friends. And if you believe this too, then you also have no reason to be afraid. And if you are afraid, maybe it's time to bring that to God, and ask for greater faith. This may be the time to ask ourselves if we are ready to die. If we believe what we say we believe as Christians, we should await that hour with joyful hope.
I still want to be your friend, even if you yell, because I love you. But please understand we might not be facebook friends anymore as I need to step away from facebook for my own mental health.
I will be using that time to pray for you and your families and our world, that hearts are brought to choose Jesus, the only place true freedom is found.

Advice from a Struggling Homeschooling Mom to Another...

I've been seeing and hearing so many parents this week struggling with homeschooling. I'd be lying if I told you there haven't been days when I myself have slumped down in a chair after an argument with a child feeling like a complete failure.  We home-schooled our oldest for just 2 years, so I don't consider myself an expert on the subject, but I also find those moms who are really good at homeschooling are totally out of my league. I will never be them and trying to be might just kill me. So instead, from another mom who just makes it through each day, I wanted to share some things I've found to help us survive and even sometimes enjoy the day. I think homeschooling is like parenting, you have to hold on to the good moments. A lot of moments will be hard, horrible, and some just monotonous, but a few glorious ones make it all worth it.

I know when we decided to home-school I had done so much reading and research, mental preparation and prayer about the decision. I have been thinking of so many of you who have had this completely forced on you, and might also be for the first time home with all of your children instead of at work which is another huge adjustment in itself. And some of you are trying to homeschool and juggle working from home or working during the day and doing the work at night. These are almost impossible things to do well. My daughter's physical therapist called me yesterday and asked "hows life as a stay-at-home mom/teacher/PT/OT/etc? We wouldn't probably in a normal situation take on all of these things because we know we can't do them all well. So the best thing you will do for your mental health, survival, and overall mood is set a clear expectation that the goal here is survival, the basics, not perfection, not even to do any of it well. I don't want to give the impression I don't think you should try at all, we can tend to give in to laziness when faced with something difficult. I'm not saying you shouldn't try at all, I'm just saying if it was your first hike ever, you probably wouldn't expect to climb Mt. Everest and be the best that's ever climbed. Start with the expectation that you'll do the best you can for a first time homeschooler, and allow yourself the freedom to to better or worse than that without extreme expectations.

Speaking of expectations, start with letting go of some you might have for how life has been in the past. Homeschooling takes a lot of time. It is a full time job, you will find ways to get laundry and dishes done etc, but expect that your house will not be clean. I remember when I was working outside the home I had this expectation that once I started to stay home my house would be so much cleaner because I would have more time to clean. WRONG. Because you are home more and LIVING in your home, its messier even though you clean even more. And once I started homeschooling so much time is given to that even more things fall behind. Find a way to be ok with this. Everyone has their own priorities, you will find a balance of where you want to spend your time and what level of clean you can be ok with. I sweep the floor multiple times a day and then I am ok with clutter as long as there aren't crumbs sticking to my feet. One of my friends just needs clean countertops and then she is ok with the mess in the rest of the house. Find what you need for your own sanity and your family's health. The good news is, if you clean for prideful reasons, no one is coming over for a good long time so you'll be fine there. ;) 

Accept that you have strengths and weaknesses, and teach your child accordingly. I am not crafty or artistic. Not one bone in my body. So you won't find my fb flooded with crafts that my children are doing. I could easily get discouraged by my super-mom friends who post something different every day they have done with their kids. But I am good at keeping my kids on schedule, reading to them, teaching them their basics, and we have really good music and religion lessons because that's my strength. The best part about this short-term homeschooling thing, is that you don't need to compensate for your weaknesses. When we were homeschooling year-long, I had to find ways to be sure I was still teaching my children the essential art skills. You are homeschooling for two months or less. I know my kids would seriously be just fine if they didn't do a craft that whole entire time. Luckily, the hardest part has been done for us, the teachers have handpicked activities and all the kids work and wrapped it up in a nice little package for us, so we don't have to be creative or even know what our kids need to be learning, we just need to walk beside them as they do it.

The leads to the next important thing. Something I really learned and think is so wonderful about homeschooling is that children CAN learn on their own. The skill to be able to learn things on their own is a very important one that will take them very far in life. Some kids in traditional school never learn this skill because they are always being directed, being fed information. Once your child gets used to not being in the school environment, you will find they get used to independently learning, and they may learn more quickly or retain more because they are taking the initiative to learn on their own. This desire to learn and the recognition that they can learn anything they wish, is crucial to being a lifelong learner and successful in the future. Be ok that if your student read the textbook and did the worksheets correctly they get it, there's no expectation or reason for you to verbally
"teach" the lesson. We tend to think we should because this is how we were taught, but its really only necessary if they are having trouble or not understanding the material.

Give your child ownership of completing their work. When I was homeschooling, my kids had a checklist each day of what they needed to do for the day. That way there is a clear expectation, it's up to them if they want to do it all first thing in the morning or spread it out over the day. Once their checklist is complete they get some reward. For my kids technology is a huge motivator, so they know if they do all their school work and chores AND without complaining or fighting with each other then they can play games on an iPad or computer later in the day. Find what motivates your child, maybe its outside play, maybe its TV, maybe its playing a game with you etc. This is what I found to be probably the  most helpful in getting them to just do their work without fighting about it all day.

And there will be fighting. Expect there to be an adjustment period. Just like with anything with parenting, your kids are going to test you to see if you are going to actually follow through and make them do their work. Once they realize you are, they won't push against it each day. So for those of you who are ready to throw in the towel two days in, know that it will get better and know that you aren't the only way feeling that way. As I said, I'm writing this post in response to all my dear friends struggles in hopes that I can help make these next few weeks or months a little less stressful for you and your kids. As one of my best friends texted me in response to how homeschooling was going: "pray for your godchildren bc they are going to need it."

Finally, I can't neglect what I feel is the most important tool I have for home-schooling and stay-at-home parenting. Prayer. We build in prayer time throughout the day with the kids and this is essential. But my days either smooth-sail or crash and burn based on my morning routine. If I am able to be up before the kids to spend time in silence and prayer, before anyone is crawling on my or needing me, and when I can give the day to God and remember its His work I am doing, then our days go so much better. If I sleep in and a crying child wakes me before I have been able to even brush my teeth and have a cup of coffee, I seem to feel I am running from behind all day, and I am crabby when I'm feeling behind.

Below is a basic schedule that we follow. Obviously a positive of homeschooling is that the day can be flexible to what is going on. Not that anyone has anywhere to go right now, but if you're working from home or the weather is just beautiful out and it's going to rain later, you can adjust accordingly to make the most of the day. I know some teachers, and our daughters PK is one, that are doing scheduled classes on Zoom. Those might be great for some kids, for our daughter who has down syndrome, she just wants to look at the screen and isn't getting much more than a social piece out of it, so we opted to only sign in for the first part and do our classwork separately. Talk to your teacher to find out what options you have if Zoom is not working for your family, I think everyone just wants the children to succeed right now and all of my children's teachers have been absolutely wonderful during this. Thank you God for them!!

5:00 am/5:30 am Mom prayer/shower/coffee/exercise (I don't want to leave the impression that I exercise everyday in the morning, I totally SHOULD, and in the warm months I do sometimes run or walk, but in the winter I am a complete bum and I'm totally ok with that as I decided I didn't have time for both and prayer won out. My poor Physical Therapist friend is dying inside a little right now - sorry! But if this is crucial for your physical and mental health, don't neglect it.)
6:30 am/7:00 am kids start waking up in my house. We wait until everyone is awake to do breakfast otherwise I can spend an hour dishing out and cleaning up breakfast. The bonus of not rushing out the door, there's actual time to do "good" breakfast like eggs/pancakes/etc that we would never attempt if needing to catch the bus, but we still opt often for the easy cereal choice.
8:00 am Kids get dressed/brush teeth/make beds/morning chores (feed dog/bring up laundry/empty dishwasher/etc) Mom cleans up from breakfast, starts laundry or other household chores, starts to get ready for school work and plays with little kids.
8:30 am/9:00 am Morning Prayer all together (I suggest morning offering and intentions for the day or morning prayer from liturgy of the hours for older kids.) Start schoolwork. Hopefully you have gotten a nice checklist from your child's teacher, if not, I would make one. Don't forget to add reading time and anything else you want them to do each day.
10:00 am Angelus Prayer/Snack/recess/play
10:30 am We do a Religion Lesson/Piano lesson/finish any other work at this time. If you don't have a religion textbook but think now is a great time to incorporate that into your child's day, ask your church to borrow something, I am encouraging my parents to do this at our church. But if you don't have anything, my kids love acting out the bible stories of the days lesson, so any childrens bible or bible story will work!
Noon Lunch (we keep lunch very simple. Sandwiches, mac and cheese, chicken strips, leftovers from supper, nothing that takes longer than 15 minutes to make, add fruits and veggies of course.)
12:30 pm Clean up lunch, play outside
1:00 pm Naps for younger children/Quiet time (reading or quiet play for older children), this is when I normally pray the rosary and do household chores and respond to messages, yard work outside, etc. Do what you have to to recharge. This is when my kids do their reading time for school or if they can't read yet but aren't napping they have to play with legos or puzzles or something like that quietly. Kids actually need this time as much as we do. To learn how to be still and not be entertained is also a valuable life skill to teach!
2:00 pm Technology time if earned (this is also when my kids do their Seesaw videos from their teacher).
3:00 pm Act of Contrition or Divine Mercy Prayer/Snack/Play outside - I try to play if I can. I have to make an effort not to just always be a "teacher" but spend time having fun with them.  I also try to play with my older kids while the younger kids are napping because otherwise they rarely get that one on one time.
4:30 pm Start prepping supper, when it's rainy or cold we might do TV time here so I can get supper ready. We actually gave up TV for lent (I know, not the best year right?), but on a rough day I know my limits and I've allowed them to watch "Formed" which is great Catholic Programming that's being offered for free right now.

This is what works for us, we don't follow it strictly time-wise but its our general order of the day. You will find what works for you, but the key would be consistency. Even as adults, we are much happier/more at peace when we know exactly what to expect. As your kids come to know what they will be doing each day you will find they are much happier and less anxious and more willing to comply.

Most of all, I hope I can help you make it a little more manageable so you can find the beauty that is underneath all of the hard about this situation. Because no matter how much you struggle through this, there will be a moment when today your child knows something or can do something today that yesterday they could not do. And in that moment, you will get to experience the joy of watching them learn. The same way your heart overflowed when you watched them take their first step, when they said their first word. Now you get to be the one there for that moment, and its an incredible gift. And there are so many others. Like watching siblings play and find such joy with each other, watching them take care of each other, being there to play together.

I snapped this photo last week when Nathaniel spent 30 minutes reading books to his younger brothers snuggled in our bed. My heart couldn't contain it, and the moment wouldn't have happened if he was at school.
I'm not trying to paint an unrealistic picture that they will all get along and you'll magically be your favorite teacher, Mary Poppins and Martha Stewart all rolled together. Like I said, most days we will probably all feel like failures most of the time. My youngest threw a walkie-talkie at Sam's head just this morning. But I do know there is a lot of great beauty happening there in your home. There are plenty of teachers who can teach your child, but no one can love them the way you do. My youngest also walked over after his timeout and gave Sam the biggest hug which he smiled and returned and the two of them played outside together for the next hour like the best of friends. Where else besides our home can we really learn the meaning of unconditional love and forgiveness?
If you can get past the fact that this might be one of the hardest things you ever do, it might also be one of the best. How wonderful really, to get to be with the people who love you the most all day long. (You do love each other, sometimes you just have to remind yourselves.) And that's really the only thing you absolutely have to teach them in the next two months. Everything else is just a bonus.

You're doing great mom. Know of my prayers for you today!