It's been spring-like here in Minnesota the past few days. An odd thing for us for January. We are used to temperatures well below zero many days, cold winds, blowing snow and a blanket of white covering everything you can see. Of course, even though that's the "norm," we know in Minnesota that our weather can often be quite outside the norm. So, it's thawing. We've had 40 degree temperatures, sunshine and rain. The snow has mostly all melted except for big piles or drifts that hold together longer, the icicles hanging from trees and buildings have all dripped off or fallen off and the ground is thawing. Instead of snow and ice we have water and mud.
It's amazing when we are so used to the cold temperatures that 40 degrees feels so incredibly nice. I went out today without a coat and didn't even realize it until I was in town. (Hopefully my mom doesn't read that, she'd still shake her head at me.) And even though when I step outside and feel the moist warmth that is so refreshing and welcome, I can't help but hold back tears as I look out my window at the world melting. All I see are L & L, our foster children who came to stay with us during the melting months and into the spring of last year. All of my memories of this type of weather include them and I can't help but miss them and worry about them. We wished and prayed and wanted for them to become a part of our family. They went back to their birth parents and while I hope for the best, I can't help but worry constantly, knowing the challenges they faced in the past in that living environment.
I picture their bright eyes and hear their beautiful laughs as they jumped in puddles, climbed snow piles and tackled me. I remember the chaos of stripping down 3 mud-covered toddlers on the rug by the door before they could make it any farther and plopping them all in the tub for baths and tossing all the clothes in the washer, only to repeat the entire ordeal each day. But all the remembering in the world can't ease my worry and hurt over losing them and the horrible reality of knowing I can no longer protect them. I was their mom, and I couldn't protect them. Often I wonder if they blame me, for abandoning them too, just like every other adult in their life had done. They had let themselves get attached, love us, trust us even. And then one day we said goodbye and they never saw us again. I could go on and on about how I hate the system and spend all day playing out the "what would their lives be like if they had stayed", but mostly I just hurt. I ache to cuddle their tiny bodies while reading a book, or play one more game of ring around the rosy. I would give anything to watch them run around our yard or give me big smiles with popsicle juice running down their chins. And I can sit and sulk in that pain and hurt, entertaining negative thoughts about the evil in the world never getting better.
God nudges me in those moments and reminds me I'm getting wrapped up in the wrong places again. It can be so easy to forget just what life is about, just what we're here for. When the world is so twisted and messed up and we feel so out of place, I have to remember that this is not my home. That hope that someday I will go to heaven and NEVER EVER watch another child be treated with anything less that perfect love, never feel worry or hurt, that is the hope I cling to. I am so blessed in my journey to have been given so many reminders of that. When our winter gets so long that we can't remember anymore what summer even feels like, all of the sudden we get one of these 40 degree days. You know the feeling...you step outside and feel the sunshine on your face, the warmth in the air, the birds chirping, and you can just sigh and say "that's what spring feels like". Days like that are reminders to us that winter won't last forever, and spring is coming. Luckily for us, just like God give us warm moments to hold on to, He also gives us reminders here on Earth to help us remember heaven is coming. I hold on to the pieces of my faith that give me that same reassurance. Sunday Mass, Adoration, a special connection in prayer, a friend who shares the faith, seeing the love of the Trinity reflected in my family, a beautiful funeral....It's in those moments that we just KNOW better days are coming. Hold on to those moments, make it a priority to make more of them in your life, and use that reassurance to make it through the cold times in life with never-ending hope in what is to come.
Tuesday, January 20, 2015
Sunday, January 11, 2015
You're Right, It's Not Enough to Be a Mom
I've asked myself the question a hundred times, as I know so many other mom's have too: Is it enough? Meaning is it enough to JUST stay home with my kids or to JUST be a mom and wife. I've always been very career driven and put so much of my self-worth into my success in my career. I've also always felt a strong call to tirelessly share the Gospel. I've prayed and prayed about the plan that God has for me, and when I felt called to leave my job to stay home with my kids it took me a lot longer than usual to listen because I worried about that question: Is it enough? Will it be enough to satisfy my needs and desires to share myself? Is this really all that God wants of me? Surely I could do more...
I think over the last year God has revealed this message to me in many different ways, but one night in particular a couple weeks ago, it finally sunk in. Here's what it looked like:
My husband had just turned out the lights and I turned to look at the video monitor as I pulled up the covers. "He really is the cutest isn't he." I said. Our 4 month old was sleeping peacefully, looking ever-so-small in that big crib. "We'll see how cute you think he is at 3 AM," Dan replied. .” “He’s always cute,” I argued and snuggled in to my pillow. I had just started to drift to sleep and then came his soft cries. "Seriously baby?" I waited to see if he’d find his thumb and go back to sleep but the cries got louder. “Ok.” My body protested as I pulled the covers off and forced myself back out of bed. As I walked out of the bedroom Dan mumbled in his half-asleep state, “maybe he just needs to be changed and will go right back to sleep.” “Yeah right” I replied as I walked to the kitchen and made a bottle. I went up to his room and greeted him with a smile, “Hello sweet baby,” and he can’t help but take a break from his crying to smile at me. Then he goes right back to letting me know how hungry he is.
As soon as the bottles in his mouth and he’s comfortably in my arms as we rock in the old chair in his room, he is quiet. I take it in. I realize that the baby that looked so tiny yet on the monitor suddenly seems so large in my arms. Looking down at him, I’m taken aback by just how big he’s gotten. He stretches all the way across my body, his feet hanging far over my thighs. His head is no where near the size of a newborns. But he is almost 5 months old. I try to remember how little he used to be, to compare. I can’t. I can’t picture it. It was just a couple months ago. I try to think of specific moments: his birth. OK, there he is. I can see his scrunched up face crying so violently. I can picture his tiny legs curling up every time I changed him. But there are so few memories I can recall. The tears stream down my face as I hold him against my chest patting his back for a burp as his breathing becomes that of the soft rhythmic sleep. And then I know. THIS is the surprise.
You see, during Advent and Christmas I was praying and feeling like God was going to reveal something to me. That He had a surprise for me, and I was racking my brain trying to figure out what it was and anxiously awaiting it's arrival. In my mind I was hoping for a door to open in my ministry or for a foster placement or another adoption or even my own successful pregnancy (the sky's the limit when God says He's going to surprise you, right?) I had been looking and praying and looking and praying and nothing had happened yet. But there, in that moment, I held that tiny little boy and tried to memorize the sound and feel of every breath, because I heard: "This is the surprise. And you're missing it. You're missing it because you’re so busy chasing something else. These boys you’ve been given, they are your purpose." It’s as if I could see my whole future life in front of my eyes and I knew that if THIS was the only thing I did, I would feel satisfied, accomplished…I would feel the only thing I’ve ever wanted really: to make my Heavenly Father proud. How I’ve stressed and struggled and worried how I’m meant to do that and it’s been here the whole time. These tiny hands and feet, these eyes that look into mine with such love, this is my surprise, and I won’t be missing it anymore. It's not ENOUGH for me to be a mom and a wife, it's EVERYTHING. It's my entire reason for being. I was created to love my God, my husband and these amazing little lives that have been given to me. It's so much more than "enough."
I think over the last year God has revealed this message to me in many different ways, but one night in particular a couple weeks ago, it finally sunk in. Here's what it looked like:
My husband had just turned out the lights and I turned to look at the video monitor as I pulled up the covers. "He really is the cutest isn't he." I said. Our 4 month old was sleeping peacefully, looking ever-so-small in that big crib. "We'll see how cute you think he is at 3 AM," Dan replied. .” “He’s always cute,” I argued and snuggled in to my pillow. I had just started to drift to sleep and then came his soft cries. "Seriously baby?" I waited to see if he’d find his thumb and go back to sleep but the cries got louder. “Ok.” My body protested as I pulled the covers off and forced myself back out of bed. As I walked out of the bedroom Dan mumbled in his half-asleep state, “maybe he just needs to be changed and will go right back to sleep.” “Yeah right” I replied as I walked to the kitchen and made a bottle. I went up to his room and greeted him with a smile, “Hello sweet baby,” and he can’t help but take a break from his crying to smile at me. Then he goes right back to letting me know how hungry he is.
As soon as the bottles in his mouth and he’s comfortably in my arms as we rock in the old chair in his room, he is quiet. I take it in. I realize that the baby that looked so tiny yet on the monitor suddenly seems so large in my arms. Looking down at him, I’m taken aback by just how big he’s gotten. He stretches all the way across my body, his feet hanging far over my thighs. His head is no where near the size of a newborns. But he is almost 5 months old. I try to remember how little he used to be, to compare. I can’t. I can’t picture it. It was just a couple months ago. I try to think of specific moments: his birth. OK, there he is. I can see his scrunched up face crying so violently. I can picture his tiny legs curling up every time I changed him. But there are so few memories I can recall. The tears stream down my face as I hold him against my chest patting his back for a burp as his breathing becomes that of the soft rhythmic sleep. And then I know. THIS is the surprise.
You see, during Advent and Christmas I was praying and feeling like God was going to reveal something to me. That He had a surprise for me, and I was racking my brain trying to figure out what it was and anxiously awaiting it's arrival. In my mind I was hoping for a door to open in my ministry or for a foster placement or another adoption or even my own successful pregnancy (the sky's the limit when God says He's going to surprise you, right?) I had been looking and praying and looking and praying and nothing had happened yet. But there, in that moment, I held that tiny little boy and tried to memorize the sound and feel of every breath, because I heard: "This is the surprise. And you're missing it. You're missing it because you’re so busy chasing something else. These boys you’ve been given, they are your purpose." It’s as if I could see my whole future life in front of my eyes and I knew that if THIS was the only thing I did, I would feel satisfied, accomplished…I would feel the only thing I’ve ever wanted really: to make my Heavenly Father proud. How I’ve stressed and struggled and worried how I’m meant to do that and it’s been here the whole time. These tiny hands and feet, these eyes that look into mine with such love, this is my surprise, and I won’t be missing it anymore. It's not ENOUGH for me to be a mom and a wife, it's EVERYTHING. It's my entire reason for being. I was created to love my God, my husband and these amazing little lives that have been given to me. It's so much more than "enough."
Monday, December 15, 2014
How My Family Keeps Christ in Christmas
"The best way to keep Christ in Christmas is by celebrating Advent" - Mark Hart, a Catholic Speaker that I follow on facebook recently posted that quote and I couldn't have summed it up better. (He is great for his one liners that can really get you thinking so I encourage you to follow him if you don't already!)
The first Sunday of Advent we were lucky to be visiting my in-laws parish whose priest said "don't miss advent". We know that Christmas in stores starts popping up even before Halloween now and most of us feel pretty great for waiting until after Thanksgiving to decorate for Christmas, but with our huge focus on jumping into the Christmas season before it's here, we are missing the beautiful and necessary season of Advent. I'm not just talking about decorating for Christmas too early. Yes, decorations are something physical and tangible that play a very important role in our spiritual life since we are physical, visual people, but it's the actions and thoughts behind the decorations that are important.
So, we all know there's an age-old debate over when the appropriate time is to put up your Christmas tree, but just why is it important anyway? As my 3 year old son grows it has forced my husband and I to think seriously about why we do the things we do. We want to teach him what the season is really about and to discourage the concept of "I want _____" fill in the blank with any toy in eyesight. We questioned if we would pretend that Santa exists and a lot of other things. And the more I researched the more I realized that Mark Hart was absolutely right. If I want my son to know what Christmas is really about, the answer is in Advent. I think Advent gets passed over because people don't always understand it. I, just like so many of you, hate to wait for anything. Why wait to decorate? To turn on the Christmas music? To celebrate such a beautiful Christian event? Because, just like in our lives, when we skip ahead, we miss what was meant for right now. When I was in high school I wanted to skip to college, when I was in college I wanted to skip to marriage and when I got married and we struggled to have children I wanted to skip to when that would happen. But I could write pages and pages of what good things I would have missed had I been able to do that.
Advent is more than just blank squares to cross off on a calendar or a reason to make you wait. Advent isn't really about waiting for Christmas, it's really about pointing us to Christ. It's about remembering that HE is what life is really about. We aren't waiting for a baby to be born...that already happened! We're waiting for Jesus to come again. And as someone recently shared, how many of us still do? Or have we really given up on that? Do we really live our lives each day to the holiest degree? Do we really HOPE each day that today will be the day He comes? And do we realize that He went through all that He did just so that He could come to live in our hearts right now? That is what advent is about. You can see how easily that message gets lost in the "Christmas" season as we know it today that is so much more focused on things of this world than the next. This Advent, hear Jesus say "all I want for Christmas is you."
Ok, so you want to celebrate advent the right way, but wait! Don't throw the baby out with the bathwater! One of the unfortunate things about the secular world taking over our Christian holidays is that some of our beautiful, meaningful traditions get so twisted they are unrecognizable to Christians. The more I learn each year I realize I don't have to get rid of things I have grown to love about Christmas, they just have a lot more meaning to me now! So here are a few ways that my family celebrates Advent and Christmas in case you are looking for ideas, but make sure to make it your own!
Advent Calendar - Advent for us really revolves around this calendar. First of all, my son loves opening something each day, and that makes sure that a single day doesn't go by that we aren't spending some time thinking about the themes of advent. Each day has something to do like a prayer, an act of service, a craft, etc. I try to relate them to the daily Mass readings for the day. Usually they have some type of treat or gift in them. For example, on the Feast of Our Lady of Guadalupe there was a stamp set and we talked about the story and then played with our stamps (keep in mind, my son is 3 so I keep things pretty simple). There was a tube of frosting as the gift the day we made ginger bread "nativity scenes" and talked about where Jesus was born. There are quarters for the day we're challenged to pay it forward by putting extra money in the vending machine for the next person, and socks for the day we just "sat and soaked in the presence of Jesus". I know it sounds like it took a long time, but it probably took less than 2-3 hours to come up with all the activities and then put it together. My son was able to help put some of it together with me. I let him do the ones with notes and candy and I did the ones with the bigger gifts like the stamp set, socks, etc so he would be surprised. I'm sorry I didn't type up what I put in there this year, but if you'd like some ideas from last year you can read my post about advent last year for the list. The photo above was taken today, so it's in it's in-between stage. As we take down gifts, we fill in the space with our friends and family! We hang our Christmas cards and it's just a wonderful visual of how His blessings pile up as we grow closer to Him!
Pray Unceasingly - Saint Paul said it and it can be said again. Everyday, all the time. Pray. The whole purpose of Advent and Christmas is to get you to heaven so that you can have the relationship with God you were created for to begin with. All He wants is you. You're missing the point if you do all the craft stuff but never take time to be with Him. We take advantage of "The Word Among Us" daily devotions for advent as well as Fr. Robert Barrons daily devotionals that come right to your email in case you're the type that forgets to pick up a book or go on to a blog each day. Growing up we also prayed the rosary as a family daily during advent, something we are trying to do now but not succeeding with. Clearly, we are not prioritizing this enough and need to :) I'm able to pray it on my own, but I feel it's important to do as a family. It shows to your children that this is important enough to turn the TV off, and stop whatever else we are doing to give our time to God.
Santa - wait, don't get rid of him! I mean, yes, please oh please stop writing him letters asking him for things. This REALLY defeats the purpose of Christmas (see my blurb about gifts below). It can be easy to want to toss out Santa. A friend recently shared the blog post with me "What to do about Santa" and gives a lot of great points on how Santa has gotten out of control. For that reason, I know many Christians have gotten rid of the tradition all together, and I was one who was ready to. But what we are forgetting is that before he was "Santa" he was St. Nicholas, because his feast day is during advent and he was a wonderful holy man who shared what he had with others. On his feast day, December 6, it's traditional to put candy in shoes by the door, which we did. Let the kids put candy in dad's shoes and get a taste of how great it feels to do something nice for someone! Instead of teaching our kids to ask him for things, teach them to be LIKE him, to give to others.
Gifts - As we go through a store and my son says "I want that, and that and that." I redirect his thoughts. "At Christmas we need to think about what we can get for other people, not ourselves. What do you think your cousins would like to have?" When he's older we can start talking about people in need, he doesn't quite get that yet. But really, if we are frustrated that to kids Christmas is all about gifts and we hate seeing the ungratefulness around the Christmas tree on Christmas morning, we have to set to the tone. That means we have to stop asking "what do you want for Christmas?" and instead say "what can we do for others this Christmas?" or "who are you most excited to give a gift to this Christmas?" Then maybe, just MAYBE, gifts you do chose to give them might be appreciated not expected...maybe. I've heard two things that I liked as ways parents keep gifts simple. Some do 3 gifts each because that's what Jesus received, and another does "something you want, something you need, something to wear, something to read." The important thing to stress is the reason behind the gift giving. If you can't answer why we give gifts at Christmas, then why are you giving gifts at Christmas?
Straw for the manger - as kids we got to put a piece of straw in the manger each time we did something nice for someone, and I have added for every extra prayer time as well. To soften the bed for baby Jesus (who's tiny figurine is still placed there in a sort of ceremony on Christmas Eve at my parents house while we sing Away in the Manger) and to remind us that He calls us to follow his example of loving others, not to throw a big party each year in His honor where nobody honors Him.
Finally...Decorating - Isn't it magical once you decorate for Christmas? It really changes the atmosphere of the house. If you decorate for Christmas, it's going to feel like Christmas. But I wanted my house to reflect Advent so that I'm visually reminded. Since Advent builds up to Christmas, our decorating reflects this. We tie this into our advent calendar which on certain days gives us things to do. The first week of advent we put up the advent wreath, and the BARE Christmas tree. A reminder of the new life that Christ brings but also that we are still waiting for the day we'll celebrate with Him in eternity. The second week we put up lights on the tree and outside, to proclaim to all that Jesus brought light into darkness. This year we put lights outside on 4 of our small trees, but we only plug in 2 during the 2nd week of advent and 3 during the third, etc (they're our advent candles!). No one else probably gets it except us but that's ok! On the Feast of the Immaculate Conception we set up the Nativity scene. Then we finally decorate the tree and put up all our other decorations during the 4th week, usually just a few days before Christmas. A bonus to waiting so long to decorate is that it isn't hard to leave the decorations up through the Christmas season because we aren't sick of them yet! Plus, they bring joy to the dreary month of January.
It's really not to late to celebrate Advent this year! I hope most of all you are able to just spend time with Him in prayer and recognize Him in others. Remember, the disciples waited hopefully for the return of Jesus. Maybe the most important question for our hearts today is: do we hopefully await his arrival or do we hope he doesn't come today? The answer is a good spiritual check for our hearts. I know I have some work to do. Thank God for Advent!
The first Sunday of Advent we were lucky to be visiting my in-laws parish whose priest said "don't miss advent". We know that Christmas in stores starts popping up even before Halloween now and most of us feel pretty great for waiting until after Thanksgiving to decorate for Christmas, but with our huge focus on jumping into the Christmas season before it's here, we are missing the beautiful and necessary season of Advent. I'm not just talking about decorating for Christmas too early. Yes, decorations are something physical and tangible that play a very important role in our spiritual life since we are physical, visual people, but it's the actions and thoughts behind the decorations that are important.
So, we all know there's an age-old debate over when the appropriate time is to put up your Christmas tree, but just why is it important anyway? As my 3 year old son grows it has forced my husband and I to think seriously about why we do the things we do. We want to teach him what the season is really about and to discourage the concept of "I want _____" fill in the blank with any toy in eyesight. We questioned if we would pretend that Santa exists and a lot of other things. And the more I researched the more I realized that Mark Hart was absolutely right. If I want my son to know what Christmas is really about, the answer is in Advent. I think Advent gets passed over because people don't always understand it. I, just like so many of you, hate to wait for anything. Why wait to decorate? To turn on the Christmas music? To celebrate such a beautiful Christian event? Because, just like in our lives, when we skip ahead, we miss what was meant for right now. When I was in high school I wanted to skip to college, when I was in college I wanted to skip to marriage and when I got married and we struggled to have children I wanted to skip to when that would happen. But I could write pages and pages of what good things I would have missed had I been able to do that.
Advent is more than just blank squares to cross off on a calendar or a reason to make you wait. Advent isn't really about waiting for Christmas, it's really about pointing us to Christ. It's about remembering that HE is what life is really about. We aren't waiting for a baby to be born...that already happened! We're waiting for Jesus to come again. And as someone recently shared, how many of us still do? Or have we really given up on that? Do we really live our lives each day to the holiest degree? Do we really HOPE each day that today will be the day He comes? And do we realize that He went through all that He did just so that He could come to live in our hearts right now? That is what advent is about. You can see how easily that message gets lost in the "Christmas" season as we know it today that is so much more focused on things of this world than the next. This Advent, hear Jesus say "all I want for Christmas is you."
Ok, so you want to celebrate advent the right way, but wait! Don't throw the baby out with the bathwater! One of the unfortunate things about the secular world taking over our Christian holidays is that some of our beautiful, meaningful traditions get so twisted they are unrecognizable to Christians. The more I learn each year I realize I don't have to get rid of things I have grown to love about Christmas, they just have a lot more meaning to me now! So here are a few ways that my family celebrates Advent and Christmas in case you are looking for ideas, but make sure to make it your own!
Advent Calendar - Advent for us really revolves around this calendar. First of all, my son loves opening something each day, and that makes sure that a single day doesn't go by that we aren't spending some time thinking about the themes of advent. Each day has something to do like a prayer, an act of service, a craft, etc. I try to relate them to the daily Mass readings for the day. Usually they have some type of treat or gift in them. For example, on the Feast of Our Lady of Guadalupe there was a stamp set and we talked about the story and then played with our stamps (keep in mind, my son is 3 so I keep things pretty simple). There was a tube of frosting as the gift the day we made ginger bread "nativity scenes" and talked about where Jesus was born. There are quarters for the day we're challenged to pay it forward by putting extra money in the vending machine for the next person, and socks for the day we just "sat and soaked in the presence of Jesus". I know it sounds like it took a long time, but it probably took less than 2-3 hours to come up with all the activities and then put it together. My son was able to help put some of it together with me. I let him do the ones with notes and candy and I did the ones with the bigger gifts like the stamp set, socks, etc so he would be surprised. I'm sorry I didn't type up what I put in there this year, but if you'd like some ideas from last year you can read my post about advent last year for the list. The photo above was taken today, so it's in it's in-between stage. As we take down gifts, we fill in the space with our friends and family! We hang our Christmas cards and it's just a wonderful visual of how His blessings pile up as we grow closer to Him!
Pray Unceasingly - Saint Paul said it and it can be said again. Everyday, all the time. Pray. The whole purpose of Advent and Christmas is to get you to heaven so that you can have the relationship with God you were created for to begin with. All He wants is you. You're missing the point if you do all the craft stuff but never take time to be with Him. We take advantage of "The Word Among Us" daily devotions for advent as well as Fr. Robert Barrons daily devotionals that come right to your email in case you're the type that forgets to pick up a book or go on to a blog each day. Growing up we also prayed the rosary as a family daily during advent, something we are trying to do now but not succeeding with. Clearly, we are not prioritizing this enough and need to :) I'm able to pray it on my own, but I feel it's important to do as a family. It shows to your children that this is important enough to turn the TV off, and stop whatever else we are doing to give our time to God.
Santa - wait, don't get rid of him! I mean, yes, please oh please stop writing him letters asking him for things. This REALLY defeats the purpose of Christmas (see my blurb about gifts below). It can be easy to want to toss out Santa. A friend recently shared the blog post with me "What to do about Santa" and gives a lot of great points on how Santa has gotten out of control. For that reason, I know many Christians have gotten rid of the tradition all together, and I was one who was ready to. But what we are forgetting is that before he was "Santa" he was St. Nicholas, because his feast day is during advent and he was a wonderful holy man who shared what he had with others. On his feast day, December 6, it's traditional to put candy in shoes by the door, which we did. Let the kids put candy in dad's shoes and get a taste of how great it feels to do something nice for someone! Instead of teaching our kids to ask him for things, teach them to be LIKE him, to give to others.
Gifts - As we go through a store and my son says "I want that, and that and that." I redirect his thoughts. "At Christmas we need to think about what we can get for other people, not ourselves. What do you think your cousins would like to have?" When he's older we can start talking about people in need, he doesn't quite get that yet. But really, if we are frustrated that to kids Christmas is all about gifts and we hate seeing the ungratefulness around the Christmas tree on Christmas morning, we have to set to the tone. That means we have to stop asking "what do you want for Christmas?" and instead say "what can we do for others this Christmas?" or "who are you most excited to give a gift to this Christmas?" Then maybe, just MAYBE, gifts you do chose to give them might be appreciated not expected...maybe. I've heard two things that I liked as ways parents keep gifts simple. Some do 3 gifts each because that's what Jesus received, and another does "something you want, something you need, something to wear, something to read." The important thing to stress is the reason behind the gift giving. If you can't answer why we give gifts at Christmas, then why are you giving gifts at Christmas?
Straw for the manger - as kids we got to put a piece of straw in the manger each time we did something nice for someone, and I have added for every extra prayer time as well. To soften the bed for baby Jesus (who's tiny figurine is still placed there in a sort of ceremony on Christmas Eve at my parents house while we sing Away in the Manger) and to remind us that He calls us to follow his example of loving others, not to throw a big party each year in His honor where nobody honors Him.
Finally...Decorating - Isn't it magical once you decorate for Christmas? It really changes the atmosphere of the house. If you decorate for Christmas, it's going to feel like Christmas. But I wanted my house to reflect Advent so that I'm visually reminded. Since Advent builds up to Christmas, our decorating reflects this. We tie this into our advent calendar which on certain days gives us things to do. The first week of advent we put up the advent wreath, and the BARE Christmas tree. A reminder of the new life that Christ brings but also that we are still waiting for the day we'll celebrate with Him in eternity. The second week we put up lights on the tree and outside, to proclaim to all that Jesus brought light into darkness. This year we put lights outside on 4 of our small trees, but we only plug in 2 during the 2nd week of advent and 3 during the third, etc (they're our advent candles!). No one else probably gets it except us but that's ok! On the Feast of the Immaculate Conception we set up the Nativity scene. Then we finally decorate the tree and put up all our other decorations during the 4th week, usually just a few days before Christmas. A bonus to waiting so long to decorate is that it isn't hard to leave the decorations up through the Christmas season because we aren't sick of them yet! Plus, they bring joy to the dreary month of January.
It's really not to late to celebrate Advent this year! I hope most of all you are able to just spend time with Him in prayer and recognize Him in others. Remember, the disciples waited hopefully for the return of Jesus. Maybe the most important question for our hearts today is: do we hopefully await his arrival or do we hope he doesn't come today? The answer is a good spiritual check for our hearts. I know I have some work to do. Thank God for Advent!
Thursday, November 13, 2014
It's in the Imperfections
I was putting eggs away tonight when one of them caught my
eye. I had to inspect closer to make sure I was seeing clearly. A touch
confirmed it. The egg, instead of being smooth like all the others, had a
ripple near the top of the egg. The shell had hardened this way. Being new to
raising chickens this is the first time I’ve ever seen it, and my mind
automatically directed to the thought process on how the egg is created. Of
course for it to have this imperfection, at one point it isn’t a hard shell but
soft. As I stood there by the sink briefly thinking about what happens every
day inside of a chicken to cause this egg to be produced, I was in complete
amazement at God and his beautiful design. It’s interesting how I took all of
it for granted for months now of getting perfect eggs. Where did I think they
came from anyway, the egg stork? I’m the one feeding the
chickens and picking the eggs every day, but I suppose in their predictability
they never stood out to me. They were what I always expected them to be and I
never gave it a second thought. But this little imperfection has me glorifying
God for His greatness.
It’s a good reminder for me, that above all of the great
things we do for God, it’s most often in showing our imperfections and mistakes
that others are able to see him. When we can be vulnerable, when others can see
us as “real” people, that’s when we turn their gaze off of us and on to Christ,
who in His infinite wisdom uses imperfect people for a perfect plan. I’ve recently come across two blogs both from
amazing women working for Christ, and both mention at one point how they are
not as perfect as they might seem on their blogs. It’s an easy thing to miss,
because we don’t often sit down to write to the world about when we are
judgmental, too crabby with our kids, forget to bring snack, fail to forgive a
hurt, or ______ fill in the blank. But
maybe we need to do a little more of that. Showing our biggest flaws so that
when our amazing God works His magic and makes us beautiful, the whole world can
know it was Him that made something out of nothing.
Sunday, October 12, 2014
The Best is Yet to Come
Today is our 7th wedding anniversary. Looking back 7 years ago today two naive 22-year-olds wore huge smiles on our faces as we soaked in the best day of our lives. We were so happy and in love, and looked forward to a lifetime of that same happiness and we faced the world together.
A good friend of mine recently told me of the engagement of a niece of hers, just 19 years old, who will be married this winter. Neither of us had to say a word, we just exchanged knowing sympathetic smiles. It's not that we aren't happy for her, but that we know what's coming.
We have this beautiful, fun love, we join our hearts in Christ and give ours lives to each other and then we sit back and wait to watch the magic of "happily ever after" happen. Except, we're not living in a children's fairy tale. So instead, "life" happens. You fight about cleaning and cooking and toothpaste and long showers and always being late. Your time that you couldn't wait to spend with each other gets pulled between obligations to extended family, friends, work and un-shared interests and you struggle to find the balance. And then just when you feel you have that figured out, the really tough stuff happens. Someone loses their job, the car breaks down, the bills pile up, grandparents pass away, or the unthinkable happens and you lose your child to a miscarriage. It can be easy at the inexperienced age of 22 to look around and wonder just what happened to your promised "happily ever after".
But here is where the smile comes in. Because my friend and I, both married in our early 20s, know that all of that hard stuff is coming for her niece, but we also know that it's in the midst of all that struggle and especially in facing it together that true joy is found.
My husbands mother wrote to him in a birthday card in one of our first years of marriage that "the best years are yet to come." It seems odd in a birthday card when we usually feel after we turn 21 we stop looking forward to the birthdays and instead hope to avoid getting older and the time passing by on us. But she was so absolutely right. We were so in love then. We had so much fun together and were free to do whatever we wanted and the world was at our fingertips. We were eternally optimistic about the future and the happiness it held for us having never been really "hurt" by life. In the last 7 years we've faced hurt that we could have never imagined as we've said goodbye to 8 children that went to heaven early. We've had more arguments about where we spend our money and time than I could possibly count. We've cried more tears in 7 years than I imagined we would in a lifetime, and I find myself wondering if I had known 7 years ago just how hard it would be if I would have walked down that isle. Because you probably couldn't have convinced me then, that it would be in the midst of all of that suffering and hardship that we would really find the true joy our hearts were searching for. I wouldn't have understood then that no hearts are bound as close as those that hold each other up while they lay their child in the ground or that his "I love you" is so much more sincere after I'd just been incredibly rude to him in a fight. And I'm quite sure I never would have believed that after all of that I could love him a thousand times more than I did that day we got married.
Right now, my husband is having a pillow fight/wrestling match with our 3 year old son while our 2 month old naps close by. When my 3 year old pretends to be dad going to work he gives me a kiss goodbye and tells me he loves me like he's seen his dad do a million times. When he "comes home" he says "Hey Babe! Did you have a good day?" in the sweetest, most sincere voice ever, just like his dad. It's in moments like these that I know my mother-in-law was so, so right when she told us then that the best years are yet to come.
The readings today at Mass, echoed the same as they spoke about the kingdom of heaven. Isaiah 25 says "he will destroy death forever, he will wipe away the tears from every face." And Matthew 22's parable of the kingdom of heaven being like a wedding feast. It's then that we can realize that an even greater joy comes in hearing the laughter of my husband and children, soaking up the beautiful moment and knowing that it's only going to get better: "the best is yet to come." This beautiful family I have been given is just a glimpse of the joy that's waiting in heaven. So, just like we did so many years ago when that birthday card came in the mail, we'll keep on enjoying the present, our hearts overflowing with the knowledge that the best is yet to come. I can almost see God's sympathetic smile as I'm sure he knows the struggles we still have to face and the joy that's waiting.
A good friend of mine recently told me of the engagement of a niece of hers, just 19 years old, who will be married this winter. Neither of us had to say a word, we just exchanged knowing sympathetic smiles. It's not that we aren't happy for her, but that we know what's coming.
We have this beautiful, fun love, we join our hearts in Christ and give ours lives to each other and then we sit back and wait to watch the magic of "happily ever after" happen. Except, we're not living in a children's fairy tale. So instead, "life" happens. You fight about cleaning and cooking and toothpaste and long showers and always being late. Your time that you couldn't wait to spend with each other gets pulled between obligations to extended family, friends, work and un-shared interests and you struggle to find the balance. And then just when you feel you have that figured out, the really tough stuff happens. Someone loses their job, the car breaks down, the bills pile up, grandparents pass away, or the unthinkable happens and you lose your child to a miscarriage. It can be easy at the inexperienced age of 22 to look around and wonder just what happened to your promised "happily ever after".
But here is where the smile comes in. Because my friend and I, both married in our early 20s, know that all of that hard stuff is coming for her niece, but we also know that it's in the midst of all that struggle and especially in facing it together that true joy is found.
My husbands mother wrote to him in a birthday card in one of our first years of marriage that "the best years are yet to come." It seems odd in a birthday card when we usually feel after we turn 21 we stop looking forward to the birthdays and instead hope to avoid getting older and the time passing by on us. But she was so absolutely right. We were so in love then. We had so much fun together and were free to do whatever we wanted and the world was at our fingertips. We were eternally optimistic about the future and the happiness it held for us having never been really "hurt" by life. In the last 7 years we've faced hurt that we could have never imagined as we've said goodbye to 8 children that went to heaven early. We've had more arguments about where we spend our money and time than I could possibly count. We've cried more tears in 7 years than I imagined we would in a lifetime, and I find myself wondering if I had known 7 years ago just how hard it would be if I would have walked down that isle. Because you probably couldn't have convinced me then, that it would be in the midst of all of that suffering and hardship that we would really find the true joy our hearts were searching for. I wouldn't have understood then that no hearts are bound as close as those that hold each other up while they lay their child in the ground or that his "I love you" is so much more sincere after I'd just been incredibly rude to him in a fight. And I'm quite sure I never would have believed that after all of that I could love him a thousand times more than I did that day we got married.
Right now, my husband is having a pillow fight/wrestling match with our 3 year old son while our 2 month old naps close by. When my 3 year old pretends to be dad going to work he gives me a kiss goodbye and tells me he loves me like he's seen his dad do a million times. When he "comes home" he says "Hey Babe! Did you have a good day?" in the sweetest, most sincere voice ever, just like his dad. It's in moments like these that I know my mother-in-law was so, so right when she told us then that the best years are yet to come.
The readings today at Mass, echoed the same as they spoke about the kingdom of heaven. Isaiah 25 says "he will destroy death forever, he will wipe away the tears from every face." And Matthew 22's parable of the kingdom of heaven being like a wedding feast. It's then that we can realize that an even greater joy comes in hearing the laughter of my husband and children, soaking up the beautiful moment and knowing that it's only going to get better: "the best is yet to come." This beautiful family I have been given is just a glimpse of the joy that's waiting in heaven. So, just like we did so many years ago when that birthday card came in the mail, we'll keep on enjoying the present, our hearts overflowing with the knowledge that the best is yet to come. I can almost see God's sympathetic smile as I'm sure he knows the struggles we still have to face and the joy that's waiting.
Thursday, September 4, 2014
Why Loss Makes Me a Happier, Better Parent
(Written on September 2:)
You can really tell it’s September in SW Minnesota today. It’s an absolutely beautiful day, low 70’s, sun is shining, and a perfect slight breeze. But it’s the change in the air that means September. The just ever-so-slight change of a dry warmth over the more moist or humid warm that summer brings. And while I love the perfect days, and enjoy the feeling of slipping on a sweatshirt when the evenings and mornings are chilly and looking forward to pumpkin-spiced-everything, I can’t help but mourn the loss of summer. I’m never, ever ready for it to end. I was trying to explain the season change to my 3 year old Nathaniel today because he asked if we could go to the pool. I told him it was closed because summer was almost over and he did not like that at all. In an effort to lift his spirits I told him that soon we’d be able to make piles of leaves to jump in and he was so excited. And then I told him winter comes next and in the winter it snows! “And then what do we do?” I asked. His eyes went to the side as he thought about it and got a big smile on his face, “make a snowman,” his eyes sparkling with excitement. “Yep,” I answered. “I’m going to make this many snowmans” he said, holding up 10 fingers.
His optimism was just the reminder I needed that even though I would miss summer, there was other joy to be found in the coming seasons. I remember reading an article on foster care that talked about the importance of loss. Many of us try to avoid loss as much as possible. Of course we don’t like it, it’s a very difficult and unpleasant thing so of course we would avoid it. But the article explained that loss is a part of life, and those that accept that and welcome situations where they expect loss to eventually occur instead of avoiding them are actually happier people. I was so happy for someone to put it into words like that because as foster parents we constantly hear “I could never do that,” or “how do you do it when they go back home?” like there’s something wrong with us for putting ourselves into situations where our hearts will inevitably be broken.
So why are we happier, the ones who supposedly suffer more because we experience more loss and heartache? I believe it’s because we love and live like today is our last day. I rarely ever know how many more days I will get to spend with a child. It could be just a day, it could be weeks, often it’s short notice when they are going to leave. And so I try so hard to fill every moment with every ounce of love and fun I can and I soak up every smile, laugh, hug and kiss. Of course we can’t live every day at an amusement park, but I can remind myself that the dishes can wait when the fireflies are out for chasing and the laundry won’t run away (even though I keep hoping) when someone wants to read 15 books in my lap. Is it absolutely terrible when they leave and I gave them a huge piece of my heart? Absolutely. I’m positive I’ve cried more tears than most my age, but I’m also pretty sure I’ve laughed and loved more than most too. The truth is, none of us are promised tomorrow with our children, but history of everyone waking up and living each day in our home has given us a false sense of security that tomorrow will be the same. Our blessing as foster parents is that we know all we are promised is today, and we make it count.
You can really tell it’s September in SW Minnesota today. It’s an absolutely beautiful day, low 70’s, sun is shining, and a perfect slight breeze. But it’s the change in the air that means September. The just ever-so-slight change of a dry warmth over the more moist or humid warm that summer brings. And while I love the perfect days, and enjoy the feeling of slipping on a sweatshirt when the evenings and mornings are chilly and looking forward to pumpkin-spiced-everything, I can’t help but mourn the loss of summer. I’m never, ever ready for it to end. I was trying to explain the season change to my 3 year old Nathaniel today because he asked if we could go to the pool. I told him it was closed because summer was almost over and he did not like that at all. In an effort to lift his spirits I told him that soon we’d be able to make piles of leaves to jump in and he was so excited. And then I told him winter comes next and in the winter it snows! “And then what do we do?” I asked. His eyes went to the side as he thought about it and got a big smile on his face, “make a snowman,” his eyes sparkling with excitement. “Yep,” I answered. “I’m going to make this many snowmans” he said, holding up 10 fingers.
His optimism was just the reminder I needed that even though I would miss summer, there was other joy to be found in the coming seasons. I remember reading an article on foster care that talked about the importance of loss. Many of us try to avoid loss as much as possible. Of course we don’t like it, it’s a very difficult and unpleasant thing so of course we would avoid it. But the article explained that loss is a part of life, and those that accept that and welcome situations where they expect loss to eventually occur instead of avoiding them are actually happier people. I was so happy for someone to put it into words like that because as foster parents we constantly hear “I could never do that,” or “how do you do it when they go back home?” like there’s something wrong with us for putting ourselves into situations where our hearts will inevitably be broken.
So why are we happier, the ones who supposedly suffer more because we experience more loss and heartache? I believe it’s because we love and live like today is our last day. I rarely ever know how many more days I will get to spend with a child. It could be just a day, it could be weeks, often it’s short notice when they are going to leave. And so I try so hard to fill every moment with every ounce of love and fun I can and I soak up every smile, laugh, hug and kiss. Of course we can’t live every day at an amusement park, but I can remind myself that the dishes can wait when the fireflies are out for chasing and the laundry won’t run away (even though I keep hoping) when someone wants to read 15 books in my lap. Is it absolutely terrible when they leave and I gave them a huge piece of my heart? Absolutely. I’m positive I’ve cried more tears than most my age, but I’m also pretty sure I’ve laughed and loved more than most too. The truth is, none of us are promised tomorrow with our children, but history of everyone waking up and living each day in our home has given us a false sense of security that tomorrow will be the same. Our blessing as foster parents is that we know all we are promised is today, and we make it count.
As our summer fades away I’m sure I’ll find myself wishing I
had swam one more time, caught a few more fish or soaked in the warm sun just
like after another child leaves I’ll find myself wishing I had taken one more
hug or danced one more song because no matter what it’s never enough. But I
won’t stay wishing for long, I’ll turn my face to the beauty of the new season
that’s upon me and the children that are with me now and try to not miss a
minute. Now, if you’ll excuse me, there’s a sleeping baby I need to be snuggling
while I avoid the pile of dishes overtaking my kitchen. Maybe if they grow
large enough they’ll come to life and cook me something for dinner.
Jesus said: "Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to your life?" Luke 12:25. Instead, just love, play, laugh...right now!
Wednesday, June 25, 2014
It's Time to Start Paying Attention
My brother-in-law was helping my husband with some chores
around the yard last night and while he was trimming around our shed he cut down
my sunflowers. It’s not his fault, he didn’t know. He wasn’t there when I
planted them, hadn’t seen me watering them or stopping by them each day
watching them grow. In honesty, I had thought to myself that they sure do look
like weeds right now while they are young. They’ll be beautiful once they
bloom, but right now they look like weeds. I’m sure I would have trimmed them
too if I hadn’t been the one who had planted them.
I heard my husband tell my brother-in-law across the yard he had cut down the flowers and I started to cry. I planted those flowers with our foster children who recently went home. Every day I watched them grow thinking about how they would be taller than the kids now. Thinking how sad it was I couldn’t take their picture by them or that they will never see what the end result of what they planted. And a small part of me hoping that maybe those things would happen someday. But now, if the flowers were cut down, there would be no chance of that. I needed to come to terms with the fact that they aren't coming back. Those flowers meant a lot more to me than just a flower and I can’t be mad at my brother-in-law because he didn’t know but it doesn’t change the fact that they are gone.
I heard my husband tell my brother-in-law across the yard he had cut down the flowers and I started to cry. I planted those flowers with our foster children who recently went home. Every day I watched them grow thinking about how they would be taller than the kids now. Thinking how sad it was I couldn’t take their picture by them or that they will never see what the end result of what they planted. And a small part of me hoping that maybe those things would happen someday. But now, if the flowers were cut down, there would be no chance of that. I needed to come to terms with the fact that they aren't coming back. Those flowers meant a lot more to me than just a flower and I can’t be mad at my brother-in-law because he didn’t know but it doesn’t change the fact that they are gone.
Those flowers were just like my foster kids and just like so
many people in the world. We don’t notice them. We go about our lives and we
pass them off as weeds, not useful or in the wrong place at the wrong time. And
often times, in our unobservant state, we cut people down without even
realizing it. My brother-in-law would have never known had my husband not
pointed it out. And while the unfortunate part to Him is that he’ll never see
their beauty, to me He’s taken something I’ve worked so hard for. We planted
them from seeds, watered those flowers for months, planted them in the ground
and weeded and watered again and again. It brought me so much joy to see them
grow each day. In Isaiah today it reads: “The Lord called me from birth, from
my mother’s womb he gave me my name. He made of me a sharp-edged sword and
concealed me in the shadow of his arm.” Is 49:1
My foster kids, my youth group teenagers, the elderly
residents in the nursing home I used to work at, our children, they all fit in
this category. Foster parents, youth workers, parents and most of all God
spends weeks, months, lifetimes nurturing the potential and beauty they see.
Far too often they are cut down before they ever have the chance to bloom. The
end of the Isaiah verse today says: “I will make you a light to the nations, that
my salvation may reach to the ends of the earth.”
I firmly believe that God has a beautiful plan for each of
us to bloom in His time, but many of us need a lot of understanding and
encouragement and nurturing to get there. As a foster parent, I see how
important it is to see beyond the surface flaws to the beautiful potential that
is often hidden. And I know probably far too often than I would like to know, I’ve
been the one who cut someone else down out of my ignorance, misunderstanding or
inattentiveness. So I’m asking you today to please join me in trying to pay
more attention. I’m betting you encounter foster kids or so many others in need
of understanding and nurturing almost every day but maybe don’t realize it, even within our own families. As
I cried in my garden I thought of God feeling the same way about all of the
work he puts into each one of us each time someone cuts them down. Let’s all
please pay more attention. Together with Christ we can help them to become the “light
to the nations” they were intended to be.
Note: As far as my sunflowers; when I went to look, some of them were spared :) and I told my poor brother-in-law his punishment would be public embarrassment via this blog.
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