I think we have found ourselves in a great debate about what love is. And actually its one that's been building for a long time, a slow chipping away at the truth, a slow enough fade that we didn't realize we had slipped so far down the slope until we looked up to see we were at the bottom and a long way from where we want to be.
Right now the world says it is love to not shake your hand. It is love to not give you a hug. It is love to not visit you. It is love to sit on the couch and watch too much tv and eat too much food. It is love to not visit the elderly, the imprisoned, the sick, the dying. It is love to hide my face from you. It is love not to worship on Sundays. It is love to stay home. It is love to allow others to hurt because they have been hurt. It is always love to give to those who want to be given to.
This is the message that is put out every day now in America. This is the social pressure to which we must conform or surely we are terrible, hateful people who must not care about anyone. Surely we do not love if we are not willing to do these things.
I think we all see how we got here, this great fear of coronavirus. This great fear of contributing to the death of another. This great fear of being shamed on social media. But I'm asking you to take a step back for a moment, and look at where we are and ask for yourself, "is this really love?"
My little boy just turned 3 years old. He was placed with us at birth and sent to live with his birth mother after he celebrated his first birthday. It was a trauma for him, to lose the only parents he ever knew and be dropped down into a completely different family environment that was unfortunately full of abuse and more trauma. He has been living back with us since the last year and for the most part, he's a happy toddler. He has moments when he is afraid or shows signs of the trauma he experienced. And he has moments where he is just toddler who wants what he wants. I learned when he came back, that it was really hard for me to listen to his cries. They just cut right to my heart. I spent a year in agony because I couldn't be there when he was crying out for me. And now I am here, but I can't undo what happened that year. Sometimes what he's crying about I can't fix. And that destroys me.
I had heard the term "guilt-parenting" tossed around from birth parents and visits with them to treatment programs and therapy. I never really understood it until this little man came back into my home. For parents who have been addicts and then go into recovery, they often struggle to parent well because they feel so badly for what they put their children though. They struggle being firm or holding them accountable or disciplining them when they need it because of their guilt. They tend to buy too many gifts, give too much candy, say yes to everything, and say no to nothing at all. It sounds ok, except if you're a parent you know it makes for an unhappy child. You know children need a parent to say no to eating a bag of candy that will make them throw up, they need a parent to teach them not to hit others so they can make friends and function in school and life. You know children need to know they aren't the one calling the shots because that's scary when you are that little. And you know, life will never give them everything they want because they throw a tantrum, and that's setting them up to fail and not be able to handle disappointment.
The world today might say it is love to try to make up for a wrong that I didn't commit. The world today might say it is love to treat someone differently because of their past.
There is a reality that sometimes I need to respond to my little man's tantrums with more grace because of what he's been though. Sometimes he's throwing a tantrum because he really needs a hug or reassurance that I'm coming back when I leave. But there is the very stark reality that I only cripple him if I don't ask the same behavior of him of everyone else in our house. There is the truth that treating him differently, not holding him accountable, not teaching him appropriate ways to behave so he can be happy now and in the future...that wouldn't be real love. It might make me feel better in the moment, but it wouldn't be doing whats best for him. The hugs, my love, that is never denied and always there. But icecream for breakfast, sorry, no. A third morning snack when you haven't eaten the first two? Please eat what's still on the table from 5 minutes ago. A new toy because you broke this one in anger? Sorry, probably need to learn there are consequences to being destructive. Hit your sister because you didn't get what you wanted...time out and give your sister a hug once you calm down.
That is love. It's not fun, this hard part of love. I'm definitely not popular in those moments and plenty of times I fall short. Love, real love, is not easy, but it's always worth it. Because even though he might be mad at me in the moment, each day he gives bigger hugs, is a little happier, enjoys life a little more, is proud of himself and accomplishes things. And those smiles are way bigger and more genuine than one I might get from giving in to an extra cookie to stop a tantrum.
An argument might be made that we have been guilt parenting in America. And the reality is there and obvious, that I can't fix what's been done in the past that I didn't do. And I actually only make things worse by treating people differently. I want you to do well. I want you to have every opportunity to succeed. I love you. So I will always treat you the same. I will always expect the same behavior I expect from every other American, no matter your past or current circumstance. And sometimes I will offer more love and grace, because I know there is a hurt I just can't heal. But I will love you enough to offer you a better life. It would be easier for me to just throw money at you. To just give in to all your demands. To just jump every time you cry. But that wouldn't be love, even though the world is saying so right now. I want you to have hope and a future and the real joy that comes from contributing your skills and being rewarded for them. I want you to do it on your own, and I'll be patient enough to see the smile on your face when you do it yourself, than the short lived one when I do it for you.
The world right now often says love is giving to those who want. A few weeks ago my daughter came home from school with a backpack full of food and nice little letter about how this food is being distributed to ALL families regardless of need (thanks pandemic emergency funding thats so "desperately needed"). Giving food to those who CAN work and provide for their families themselves is not love. I looked at those pre-packaged frozen burritos and another unidentifiable frozen partitioned plate and was so sad. This is being sold as love. Sure, I can toss that in the microwave and satisfy my childrens appetites for a few minutes, and that might actually be love if we were starving to death and desperately needed to eat. But is it love to take from the me the job of providing for my family? I no longer need to cook anything. My husband doesn't need to work so that we can eat. Instead of helping, it is taking from us the feeling of satisfaction of taking care of our own children. It seems like love to feed someone, to toss someone a few dollars. It's easy love. It's walk-away-and-feel- good-about-doing-something-nice love. But it's not real love because it was more about making you feel better about giving than actually helping someone live well. It was you standing high up above and handing down to those below. Feeding the ACTUAL hungry, that's absolutely love, but feeding those not in need?
What about the great mask debate? What about staying home to protect others? That's "love of neighbor" right? That's real sacrificial love they are saying...
I think the fact that it's been portrayed as a sacrificial type of love is exactly why it's been so easy to get so many on board, and especially churches. We do want to love our neighbor and love God, this is in us, it's why we were created. But again, what is love?
Wearing a mask is an act of love. "Everyone" is saying it. Someone even stood up and said it at church last week. What if not wearing a mask is an act of love too? What if people not wearing masks aren't doing so because they don't care about others or just don't want to wear them or just don't want to be told what to do? (someone seriously said all three of these things to me today as the only reasons they think people don't wear masks!) I'm sorry that's what you think. First, some people really can't wear them and we could all do better to be compassionate about that. A lot better. Secondly, a lot of people don't wear masks not because they don't care about you but because they really do. Read on...
My experience in foster care has taught me about the way humans develop. I've shared before in the first two-three years of life children develop the ability to create healthy attachments (relationships). They learn they are good, lovable, and worthy of love because and only because another human being interacts with them,cares for them and meets their basic needs. Children neglected in these early years are affected for the rest of their lives because their brains are formed during this time and they are forever wired to believe they are not lovable. Studies have even been done to determine if children will be ok as long as their physical needs of food and hygiene are met. But studies have all concluded that children need not only basic physical needs, but touch, hugs, smiles, laughter, eye contact, conversation, play. We NEED these things just as much as we need bread and water. This is not just my feeling. This is science. Children who don't get these things struggle to develop appropriately, and some even die.
My education in Theology of the Body goes hand in hand with this science, this understanding of the way we were created. We were not meant to be alone. God created Adam, and Adam had God and he was still looking for someone like him. Made in the image of God, who is three persons in one, we are made to only be complete in communion with others as well. Made in the image of God, we experience God in and through each other. Touch, smiles, hugs, body language is all a part of who we are. Our bodies are not shells for our souls, our bodies are an essential part of who we are, how we experience life and how we love each other.
There tends to be a belief that it is weakness to need our bodies. A belief the mind is all we need. That we can work from home, school from home, socialize virtually, watch church on tv, never hug, shake hands, touch, etc and we will be just fine. Those things are just extras, not essential to living. And now mask mandates say we don't need to see each other's faces. Actually, we say, it is love to hide your face. Except, I'm saying in love, we NEED to see each others faces. My children need to see your smiles. You and I need to see each others faces. We still as adults need the continued affirmation that we are loved. I know, some will say this is just a weakness, they don't need this affirmation, they know who they are. But science says otherwise. The church says otherwise. You know otherwise because you know what the last few months have been like. When you can't see someones face, they are just another body without a face. Almost like they are less of a person. There's a reality when someone pulls their mask down and you see their face that you cannot mistake the individuality. They are one of only one. Not a million masked faces but one face that will never be duplicated again. And they need to know they are loved. They need to see you smile.
But yes, there is this great fear of corona virus. We can't ignore that. Lets talk a few facts about that.
The facts about COVID-19 from the
American Academy of Pediatrics:
“A smaller subset of states reported on hospitalizations and
mortality by age, but the available data indicated that COVID-19-associated
hospitalization and death is uncommon in children.
At this time, it appears that severe illness due to COVID-19 is rare
among children.
The Hospitalizations (25 states and NYC reported)*
- Children were 0.5%-3.7% of total reported
hospitalizations, and between 0.2%-8% of all child COVID-19 cases resulted
in hospitalization
Mortality (42
states and NYC reported)*
- Children were 0%-0.33% of all COVID-19
deaths, and 18 states reported zero child deaths
- In states reporting, 0%-0.15% of all child
COVID-19 cases resulted in death”
https://services.aap.org/en/pages/2019-novel-coronavirus-covid-19-infections/children-and-covid-19-state-level-data-report/
COVID is not a leading cause of death in children. It doesn't even make the bar graph. What
IS killing our children? Leading causes of death are still accidents,
firearms/violence, cancer and suicide. (see https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2018/12/181219191100.htm)
“The
rate at which young Americans took their own lives reached a high-water mark in
2017, driven by a sharp rise in suicides among older teenage boys,
according to new research. In that year alone, suicide claimed the lives of
5,016 males and 1,225 females between 15 and 24 in the United States,
researchers reported Tuesday in the Journal of the American Medical Assn.” (https://www.latimes.com/science/la-sci-suicide-rates-rising-teens-young-adults-20190618-story.html) This is 14.6 %. We are losing almost 15% of our teens each year and we are doing so little about it. But
we have completely changed life as we know it because 100 children have died. In
simple terms, our teenagers are much more likely to die from suicide than they
are from COVID, and our church behaviors should be attempting to change that.
Adult depression and suicide rates are also alarming right now. I know two
families personally who have already experienced loss through suicide during
the last 4 months. Research shows depression and suicide rates have increased
considerably, even tripling in some states. “Overall, 40.9% of respondents reported at least one adverse
mental or behavioral health condition…The percentage of respondents who
reported having seriously considered suicide in the 30 days before completing
the survey (10.7%) was significantly higher among respondents aged 18–24 years
(25.5%)…..Community-level intervention and prevention efforts, including health
communication strategies, designed to reach these groups could help address
various mental health conditions associated with the COVID-19 pandemic.” https://www.cdc.gov/mmwr/volumes/69/wr/mm6932a1.htm
Its
also concerning that we have quickly discarded the poor and vulnerable during
the time of COVID. So much outreach and mission has stopped. Parents of children in foster care who are addicts have lost jobs, been left alone without
any support. The disabled lost the many resources we have worked as society
over many years to provide for them overnight. Children in abusive situations were
and still are left unsupervised and in danger. “1700 children die from abuse
and neglect in the United States each year.” https://www.ncfrp.org/reporting/child-abuse-and-neglect/#:~:text=It%20is%20reported%20that%20more,are%20the%20most%20vulnerable%20victims
Again,
I realize adults are dying from COVID, do the research yourself and decide if
the numbers are as alarming as the media is making them to be. I doubt you'd get behind the wheel of a car ever again if they told you every day how many people die in car accidents each day, and you'd probably stop eating at McDonalds if the heart disease death rates were being shoved down your throat every morning via social media. But no matter what,
there is always a responsibility to protect life. There is a balance to find
where we protect the elderly and the lives of our children, not looking at
health as the only factor, but in fact as church we must care even more about
the state of the soul. Life is not simply having a pulse, it is being free to
live. We should stand up against those who try to limit the freedom of others as we
believe liberty is a God-given right. It should always concern us when a
government or a church or people are attempting to control
others.
We need each other. We need to be physically present with other people. We need to be able to physically express affection.
The growing conflict in our nation was absolutely no surprise to me during lockdown. Of course we have conflict when we are not together, especially not worshiping together. Ever notice how it's a lot easier to be mad at someone from a distance? Anyone else notice how there was conflict the last few months in your families and churches more than ever before?
I've been pretty quiet about this, I find it important to save relationship and avoid debate. Ultimately I know what happens here is important, but I'm more concerned with what happens to your soul once we leave here. I know whatever happens my hope in someday Jesus healing all of our hurt hasn't changed one bit. But I'm speaking out because there's an attack right now on how you might come to know God and His love for you by taking away your experience with the physical world.
And I'm speaking out because you just can't keep living in fear. As a foster parent, I know what its like for the government to have control of my children and their futures. I have waited months for court dates for others to decide about children I love as my own and had babies I've raised taken from my arms by government employees as I helplessly watch them drive away. As someone who suffers from recurrent pregnancy loss I have waited for the children growing inside my body to most likely die more times than you can imagine. And I promise you, FEAR is not your friend. Fear will steal every ounce of joy from every moment. Fear of dying will make it impossible for you to really live. You can't live there. As a mother who has lived in that place and on the other side, it wouldn't be love for me to watch you keep living like this.
My little man was out one cold day playing after the rain in a puddle, and while we're all about splashing in rain boots, he surprised me a little when he sat down in the puddle. His sister, who thinks anything crazy anyone else does is awesome, was quick to follow and plopped right down next to him. I cringed and thought how cold and yucky it must be in that puddle but I figured they would figure that out pretty soon and hop out. But next they started dipping their hair in the water, and when they bent down to start drinking, that's when I said, "ok guys, get out of the puddle and into the bathtub!"
I love you, and I will watch you make a lot of choices and be quiet about it. I might even sit in the mud puddle with you sometimes just so you aren't alone as you figure it out. You aren't my child, so I can't and won't ever try to control you or your actions and I'd love if you'd offer me the same respect. But I will gently encourage you to stop if you're drinking from a puddle. We live on a farm you know, chances are its not just mud in that puddle. And understand, I just WON'T drink from the puddle too just because you might think that's what love looks like.
I love you. It's why I won't hide my face, It's why I will still offer a hug and a handshake and I will speak out for the elderly who feel abandoned, the poor, the disabled, the mentally and physically ill, and most of all our vulnerable children. "whoever receives one child such as this in my name receives me. ...See that you do not despise one of these little ones, for I say to you that their angels in heaven always look upon the face of my heavenly father." Mt 18.
What is love? St. Paul says: "Love is patient, love is kind. It is not jealous, love is not pompous, it is not inflated, it is not rude, it does not seek its own interests, it is not quick-tempered, it does not brood over injury, it does not rejoice over wrong-doing but rejoices with the truth." 1 Cor 13:4-6
Consider this when deciding what love is and how to talk about these hard things. (Read: love doesn't shame others on social media.)
"Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things, love never fails." 1 Cor 13:7-8
It is hard to love. Especially when the ones you love don't see it as love. I know what you are doing is being done out of love. Thank you for reading this and seeing that what I do is being done out of love too. The devil is working so hard to get us all to hate each other. I find it interesting that the only way he's been able to accomplish that is to motivate us with the belief we are in fact acting in love. We really are on the same page, same team, same goal. Maybe if we can't agree on exactly what love is right now, we can at least take a baby-step and realize that most of those who don't agree with us aren't doing it out of hate. And maybe that's all we really need to do to turn the world right side up again.
I find it so important to always test everything back to scripture and church teaching. And when I think of what the world says love is today, it's almost completely opposite what Jesus has taught us. See for yourself:
These things are still love in the eyes of the church: (Corporal and Spiritual Works of Mercy)
- To feed the hungry: Mt. 25:35
- To give drink to the thirsty: "Mt. 25:35
- To clothe the naked: Mt. 25:36
- To visit the imprisoned: Mt. 25:36
- To shelter the homeless: " Mt. 25:35
- To visit the sick: " Mt. 25:36
- To bury the dead: " Mt. 25:40
- To admonish the sinner: Lk. 15:7
- To instruct the ignorant: Mk. 16:1
- To counsel the doubtful: Jn. 14:27
- To comfort the sorrowful: Mt. 11:28
- To bear wrongs patiently: Lk. 6:27-28
- To forgive all injuries: Mt. 6:12
- To pray for the living and the dead: Jn. 17:24
If the world is saying love is the opposite of these things, who is really saying that? Is that really of God, or is that coming from the opposite of God? The world changes, but Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today and forever. What it means to love has not changed.
And sometimes it is easier to say what love is NOT:
(The Seven Deadly Sins)
1. Pride: an excessive love of self or the desire to be better or more important than others.
2. Greed: Immoderate desire for earthly goods.
3. Lust: an intense desire, usually for sexual pleasure, but also for money, power or fame.
4. Anger: Inordinate desire for revenge.
5. Gluttony: over-consumption, usually of food or drink..
6. Envy: Sorrow and desire for another's good fortune, happiness, talents or abilities
7. Sloth: Laxity in keeping the Faith and the practice of virtue, due to the effort involved.
I think all of us can take a good long look at this list and see the way these sins have overtaken our world, even ourselves.
" I have set before you life and death, the blessing and the curse. Choose life, then, that you and your descendants may live" Deut 30:19
We all have a lot of work to do here don't we? But we go forward in confidence because "love never fails."
Here's a great starting point:
- Humility (overcomes pride)
- Generosity (Overcomes greed)
- Chastity (Overcomes Lust)
- Meekness (Overcomes Anger)
- Temperance (Overcomes Gluttony)
- Brotherly Love (Overcomes Envy)
- Diligence (Overcomes Sloth)
What might our world look like if we today made an effort to live these virtues?
What if we made the choice to have conversations in love?
What if we stopped seeing our brothers and sisters as enemies and saw instead the real enemy and turned our energy on battling him?
What if, WHAT IF, we save our country by simply saying "Jesus, help me to love and to know what love is today." Amen.
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