As a mom I've often felt my life could be summarized by the simple phrase: Wash, Rinse, Repeat. Of course, there's a lot more in there, like picking up toys, sweeping floors, playing with kids, helping with homework, changing diapers, scrubbing the toilet...but no matter which words I insert they all seem to be followed with "Repeat". Last week a dear friend offered to watch my kids so I could catch up on life. I went home to a disaster of a house, found a corner, and got started. First I had to "find" the floor by putting all the toys away, you know, in the room that my kids had "cleaned" the night before. (Remind me to get their eyes checked.) Then I start sweeping away dust and crumbs and fruit loops (and try to pretend I know when the last time was we even had fruit loops.) I shake the rugs and wash the floors and wipe the counters and scrub the toilets and wonder how in the world my bathroom tub can get so dirty when I just cleaned it three days ago. I watch the clock as I fold the last of a dozen loads of laundry I've run throughout the day. It's time to get the kids. I pause at the door and admire the clean space. Toys in their bins, floors that shine, a counter I can actually work on, clothes folded neatly in drawers. It's peaceful and so nice. Here is a house I want to live in, one I want to spend time in, one I enjoy. Here, hidden under all that clutter and dirt and mess, is where I wanted to be all along. But every mom knows the phrase "take a picture, it'll last longer" had to originate from a mom who just cleaned any room in her house and stood there admiring it. By the next day, all the work that I have done is pretty much destroyed. The toys are again strewn all over the house even hours after being picked up. The laundry that is folded so neatly in drawers will be in the hamper again tomorrow needing another wash. I unload the dishwasher only to immediately fill it right back up again. The crumbs I sweep under the table will be there again in different form after the next meal. Repeat, repeat, repeat. Everything I do all day long needs repeating it seems. There is a lesson in this I think. Why does so much in life repeat? What is it again about doing things over and over and over again? Practice makes perfect? Maybe, but with 9 kids that come and go I've done more laundry than most and I still don't feel any good at it and my children's stained clothes can attest to that.
It's not just cleaning though, where I've noticed this "repeat" in my life. Its situations. It's conflict. It's struggle. Personality types I struggle with whose paths God keeps crossing with mine. Situations that require trust in God.... Stuck on repeat for sure. Conflicts I think are long over....Here we go again.
I thought we were past this, I will say to myself, (because I'm the only one that will listen to me whine anymore.) I thought I learned this lesson and moved on. I have been here before, wasn't that enough? I have climbed this mountain, overcome this sin, been through this struggle before, God, why must I do it again? Oh yes, there is one other that will still listen to me whine. And to Him I suppose I must sound like I'm asking why in the world I have to fold one more load of laundry or wash yet another dish.
Have you been in this place? Feeling like you are stuck on repeat? Have you rolled your eyes miserably at a full laundry basket that you had just emptied the day before and wondered if it will ever end? Have you prayed hours and hours for an outcome and finally gotten it, only to find yourself now praying again the same prayers?
Here we are again, I have felt so many times in this last year. Facing the same fears we thought we overcame. Fighting battles we thought we had put behind us. Why are we just repeating these cycles? And then, when I look at how everything in life repeats, why does it surprise me?
The seasons change, Fall, Winter, Spring, Summer, repeat. People grow old and die, new life is born, repeat.What is the lesson?
We tend to want to complete tasks. Finish. I would love to have all my laundry done and stay done for a good long while. But it doesn't work that way. We would like to mend a relationship and for it to stay that way for a good long while, forever even. But it doesn't seem to work that way. Relationships take work, ongoing work, or they fall apart. And this work, this compromise and crashing in to each other and figuring out how to live with each other and get along and even work toward a common goal together, it all grows good virtue in us. It makes us better, holier, if we let it. It can make us worse too, if we turn to the wrong solutions or stop trying at all. But if we trust, that we've been asked to "do it again" and again and again we might see that God has a reason. That He is working something out in our heart, bending it more into the perfect heart it's supposed to be.
A couple weeks ago my littles' wanted to go for a walk. I usually have an agenda when we go for a walk, somewhere we need to be in a certain amount of time. But this time we set out with no where in particular to go and no need to get there in a hurry. So they climbed in and out of the stroller, we stopped every three steps for drinks of water, to check out a rock, or catch a grasshopper. On a normal walk this would have driven me insane. But since them enjoying this walk was the only goal, there was no need to hurry them along.
I have a lot of big plans for this life. A lot of things I want to do, a lot of really good work for the glory of God. But I am unfortunately misled if I think any of those big plans I have, no matter how good they may seem, are really why I am here. Does God have work for me to do here? Absolutely. But just as in the raising of my children, the big things matter, but the little things, the things I repeat over and over and over again, like saying "I love you", reading books at bedtime, giving hugs, always offering forgiveness, being kind, these things matter more. I can spend all kinds of time and money remodeling my house but I'll never be able to enjoy it if I don't ever sweep the floor or take out the trash. If I do big things for the community, but I don't show compassion or love to the people in the community each time I interact with them, I may get where I wanted to go, but look back and realize I missed the whole purpose of the walk.
These things on repeat, these relationships that still need attention, this one hundredth opportunity to offer forgiveness, understanding, the benefit of the doubt, this is the good stuff of the journey. It's slowing us down, absolutely. We aren't going to get to where we want to be nearly as quickly as we would have liked. And maybe that's ok. Maybe His timing is perfect and all these stops and repeats are just what we need to become perfect as well.
One of these days, maybe I will stop rolling my eyes at dishes piled up on the counter and the latest conflict in my email in box or on the tv screen. One of these days maybe I'll start seeing them as what they are: blessings. Because not only do they re-make me, they remind me just what I am here for. Often, I am back here on repeat once again so I can see one more time when I fall short, I can rely on Him. That whatever I am facing, He is in control of it, and I need only to give the situation to Him and trust Him with it. Conflict, worry, struggle, I will fail all of them on my own, but relying on Him I will not only find a grace-filled outcome, I will come face to face with grace itself. The presence of God with us. It's here, in these hard places, on repeat, where He is found. So yes, that 15th load of laundry for the day and that difficult phone call you have coming up, they are a blessing because they are an opportunity to be with God and trust Him. And we might find, underneath all that dirt and struggle we've been avoiding is in fact a peace-filled soul that we've been striving for all along. We might pause and realize we could settle in and enjoy who we are right here where we've been all along. We might just like our own selves for a change if we started looking for the best in our brothers and sisters. But seriously, take a picture, because you'll crash into another situation soon and have to start all over again. Wash, Rinse, Repeat.
One of these days, maybe we'll all start to see this walk is a lot more about walking hand in hand with our Father AND our brothers and sisters, than it is about going a certain direction or getting anywhere in particular. Because if I've said it once I've said it a million times (and I hear Him whisper it to back to me each time): could you please just get along with your brother?
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