Just Around the Corner

It was a big, tall, fun - but scary -  waterslide for a three year old boy. His siblings were flying down it over and over again having a blast and he wanted to join the fun, but after he climbed all the way to the top of that big staircase, he wouldn't get on the slide and started to cry. It was just too scary to do alone. "I'll catch you!" I promised. "No" he said firmly with fear in his eyes. I climbed the stairs and brought him down. He spent the next hour playing on the smaller slides in the shallower water. The next day, we returned and again the others were having so much fun. "Do you want to try it?" I asked again? "I'll catch you." "No" he said slowly thinking it over. "What if mom goes with you and you sit on my lap?" His eyes lit up, and he took my hand and we walked together to the stairs. At the top, he didn't hesitate for a second to sit on my lap and away we went, his shrieks of glee filling the whole place. "Again!" he cried at the bottom. Over and over again I made the trip taking him. Finally, I said, "I need a break, but do you want to go by yourself and I'll catch you at the bottom?" This time, the eyes didn't get fearful but lit up with confidence, as he shouted an excited OK! and ran off to climb the stairs. He checked on me at the top, to be sure I was still there at the bottom. I promised him again I was. And then I waited. And waited. And waited. And just when I was starting to wonder if he had lost his nerve, there he came around the corner, smile as big as I've ever seen it. Eyes glowing with pride, both so happy to see me at the bottom where I promised I would be, and so proud of himself for doing it alone. 

Three years ago, this tiny boy entered our lives when he came as a surprise bio-sibling to one of our kids and we were already pretty overwhelmed. We gave a small and very scary "yes" that you can read about if you click that link. I think the first day we could hardly believe we ever for a second thought of not saying yes, his tiny fingers and toes, his beautiful eyes, his perfect image of our very own God. Why would we even consider saying no to such a gift? The weeks and months went on, and he grew to know us as his family, and we loved him so. 

But there was rarely a month that went by that fear of not being able to protect him crept in. Times when we were told he would be leaving in 24 hours. Times when he would return from visits hungry and inconsolable. Times when we would again sit in the back of courtrooms while others discussed the future of the boy we were raising. Some of them hadn't even met him. They didn't even know his real name. 

This is why people say "No". The heartbreak of loss of someone you love as your own. The fear of what might happen to someone now that you have given them your heart. The impossible scenario that after 13 months someone might come pick up a little boy who is sure you are his mom, and leave him in an abusive home and you would be left to figure out just how to keep on breathing. That someone would say because you are not his mom on paper you should just let go. That someone who didn't know him and didn't know his birth parents, would pretend that they did, and that they knew what was best. That we would face the most broken we had ever seen the system, 

 I held my children as they cried every night missing the boy they had come to love as their baby brother. I watched his biological sister who had blossomed over the year with her brother living with her, fold her petals back in and close up, hurt and afraid to trust once again. I saw the strongest man I know completely broken. I watched my kids throw tantrums and get angry over the tiniest things. I saw them afraid that maybe they would be taken away too.  I watched us all crumble, because we missed him, but even more because we all knew he missed us. Because he was being hurt, he was taken from his family, and not even allowed to visit. We've known loss, but knowing your child is hurting and thinks they have been abandoned, that is crippling. Minutes felt like hours as I imagined and tried not to imagine what he might be going through or feeling.

I don't like telling this story, because I know its exactly the reason people say they "could never do foster care." But I have to tell it, because it's exactly why you should. 

After a lot of advocating, we finally got to visit him after almost 2 months. We saw him a few more times over the next few months. It was so hard to say goodbye. It was so hard to see how he too was withdrawing in, keeping his emotions hidden. It was hard to see how he was not developing as he should have been. The end of the visit was always the worst, he would cry out and reach for us and for the first time I would see him, he would let his guard down and look at me believing surely this time I would take him with, I wouldn't walk away again. I was destroyed every single time. I'd cry the whole way home. I'd pray. I didn't understand. That line from a song "New again" echoes over and over as in the lyrics Mary prays: "Father, how can this be your will, to have my son and your son killed?" And I would choke out the same prayer, Father, how can this be your will for my son, and your son? I couldn't see it yet.

This ride is scary. This big, tall, giant life that I can't see the end of until I get there, seems too terrifying sometimes that we won't ever get on. But what if He goes with you? When we know we are riding on our Fathers lap, its easier to jump on. Over many many losses of our biological children and of our foster children, I have deeply felt the presence of my Father carrying me through. Sometimes though it feels like we go alone. This time, for the most part I have felt very alone. Why does He withdraw when we need him most sometimes? Sometimes it's sin that makes us feel separated from God. Sometimes, it's so we can grow. I think the same reason I wanted my little man to go down the slide himself, the same reason you let go of your child's hand when they are learning to walk.  So they can learn what they are capable of. Of course we need God and we always want him to be close, and He always IS close. But sometimes when we don't feel Him, when we don't see Him, it's not that He has left us, but that He is letting us try it on our own.

It wasn't pretty, the last three years. It was quite ugly in our house and we saw some new sins we didn't realize were there. We saw again how much we tie up our hope in this world and not the next. We saw how little our faith really was. But we also saw, when the dust all cleared, we did have faith. We did keep breathing. We did keep going. We did find a way to trust that God would take care of him even if we couldn't see how. And just when we finally stopped holding on so tightly and surrendered it all....he came back.

He came for an overnight visit, the first one since he left 11 months before. It was so wonderful, and so hard, and I kept trying not to think about how I would say goodbye at the end of the weekend. And I never had to. A phone call from a social worker in his county said a new case was open and that led to him being allowed to stay with us. God took care of him, to align that social workers visit completely unknown to us on the ONLY weekend he was staying with us. Living in another state, we might not have even known that he had been placed in foster care again, but because he was with us when it happened he was able to just STAY. Another year whirlwind of ups and downs and fears and threats to move him out of state and court hearings postponed and timelines extended and so many fears again of not being able to protect him but in the end he was safe.  This month, three years later, we finally sat before a judge, behind masks and shields and glass barriers but souls raw to the world. Here is our little boy, who we have given our family for. Here is a little boy who has spent the majority of his life with us and knows us as his parents. Here is a boy who tore our hearts in a way we had never imagined. Here is a boy whose smile could brighten the room and whose hugs and kisses and beautiful brown eyes are the definition of love.  Here a judge again will decide and needs to hear if we have love for and a bond with this little boy and I simply say "yes" but I could say "Your Honor,  our love for him has almost destroyed us."

So why am I telling you all this? Why would this possibly be what you need to hear? Because I would do it all over again in a heartbeat. Because even knowing how the way losing him would almost destroy our family, I would still say yes, and I hope you will too, because he is worth it. Because he needed our family to love, and our family needed him even more. Because you might miss out on the greatest joy, your greatest calling, just because you are scared. Because Jesus loves us so much He DID let it destroy Him, and He said we were worth it and that wasn't the end of the story. 

I don't know what hard things you are journeying through. I don't know if you can see the light at the end of the tunnel, if you feel you are sitting safe in the Fathers lap or if you feel very, very alone on a ride that doesn't seem to ever come to an end. Or maybe you are still standing at the top of those stairs trying to muster up the courage to jump on that slide. I do know and will never be able to forget the smile on my little boys face when he came around the corner of that slide and saw me standing there, waiting for him just like I promised him I would be. It's the same smile I want you to have when you come into the Kingdom, when you can say "I DID IT!" when you can see Him standing there, right where He promised He would be. 

Today a meditation from St. John Henry Newman said "Therefore I will trust him. Whatever, wherever I am, I can never be thrown away. If I am in sickness, my sickness may serve him; in perplexity, my perplexity may serve him; if I am in sorrow, my sorrow may serve him. My sickness, or perplexity, or sorrow may be necessary causes of some great end, which is quite beyond us".  We can't always see what He's doing but I pray for the faith of this great saint who said "Let me be your blind instrument. I ask not to see. I ask not to know. I ask simply to be used."

If you have faith enough to get on the ride, to trust Jesus with your life and walk in his ways, then I can promise you He will be standing there when your ride is through. But you will enjoy the ride a whole lot more if you trust in that promise even when you can't see. He (heaven) is just around the corner. It has to be. You have to live like it is, or you will miss the point all together. The other ride is scary, there's no body waiting at the bottom to catch you and you can't swim. That ride would be fearful the whole entire way. Believe this Christmas. Not in Santa or family or whatever other nice things they are putting on Christmas cards these days. Believe in a God who loves you so much it destroyed him, and he would do it all over again in a heartbeat. Believe He wants you to get on that ride, and He promises He'll be there to catch you at the end, and I hope I'm there to see your smile when you come around the corner. 

Stuck on Repeat

 As a mom I've often felt my life could be summarized by the simple phrase: Wash, Rinse, Repeat. Of course, there's a lot more in there, like picking up toys, sweeping floors, playing with kids, helping with homework, changing diapers, scrubbing the toilet...but no matter which words I insert they all seem to be followed with "Repeat". Last week a dear friend offered to watch my kids so I could catch up on life. I went home to a disaster of a house, found a corner, and got started. First I had to "find" the floor by putting all the toys away, you know, in the room that my kids had "cleaned" the night before. (Remind me to get their eyes checked.) Then I start sweeping away dust and crumbs and fruit loops (and try to pretend I know when the last time was we even had fruit loops.) I shake the rugs and wash the floors and wipe the counters and scrub the toilets and wonder how in the world my bathroom tub can get so dirty when I just cleaned it three days ago. I watch the clock as I fold the last of a dozen loads of laundry I've run throughout the day. It's time to get the kids. I pause at the door and admire the clean space. Toys in their bins, floors that shine, a counter I can actually work on, clothes folded neatly in drawers. It's peaceful and so nice. Here is a house I want to live in, one I want to spend time in, one I enjoy. Here, hidden under all that clutter and dirt and mess, is where I wanted to be all along. But every mom knows the phrase "take a picture, it'll last longer"  had to originate from a mom who just cleaned any room in her house and stood there admiring it. By the next day, all the work that I have done is pretty much destroyed. The toys are again strewn all over the house even hours after being picked up. The laundry that is folded so neatly in drawers will be in the hamper again tomorrow needing another wash. I unload the dishwasher only to immediately fill it right back up again. The crumbs I sweep under the table will be there again in different form after the next meal. Repeat, repeat, repeat. Everything I do all day long needs repeating it seems. There is a lesson in this I think. Why does so much in life repeat? What is it again about doing things over and over and over again? Practice makes perfect? Maybe, but with 9 kids that come and go I've done more laundry than most and I still don't feel any good at it and my children's stained clothes can attest to that.  

It's not just cleaning though, where I've noticed this "repeat" in my life. Its situations. It's conflict. It's struggle. Personality types I struggle with whose paths God keeps crossing with mine. Situations that require trust in God.... Stuck on repeat for sure. Conflicts I think are long over....Here we go again. 

I thought we were past this, I will say to myself, (because I'm the only one that will listen to me whine anymore.) I thought I learned this lesson and moved on. I have been here before, wasn't that enough? I have climbed this mountain, overcome this sin, been through this struggle before, God, why must I do it again? Oh yes, there is one other that will still listen to me whine. And to Him I suppose I must sound like I'm asking why in the world I have to fold one more load of laundry or wash yet another dish. 

Have you been in this place? Feeling like you are stuck on repeat? Have you rolled your eyes miserably at a full laundry basket that you had just emptied the day before and wondered if it will ever end? Have you prayed hours and hours for an outcome and finally gotten it, only to find yourself now praying again the same prayers? 

Here we are again, I have felt so many times in this last year. Facing the same fears we thought we overcame. Fighting battles we thought we had put behind us. Why are we just repeating these cycles? And then, when I look at how everything in life repeats, why does it surprise me?

The seasons change, Fall, Winter, Spring, Summer, repeat. People grow old and die, new life is born, repeat.What is the lesson?

We tend to want to complete tasks. Finish. I would love to have all my laundry done and stay done for a good long while. But it doesn't work that way. We would like to mend a relationship and for it to stay that way for a good long while, forever even. But it doesn't seem to work that way. Relationships take work, ongoing work, or they fall apart. And this work, this compromise and crashing in to each other and figuring out how to live with each other and get along and even work toward a common goal together, it all grows good virtue in us. It makes us better, holier, if we let it. It can make us worse too, if we turn to the wrong solutions or stop trying at all. But if we trust, that we've been asked to "do it again" and again and again we might see that God has a reason. That He is working something out in our heart, bending it more into the perfect heart it's supposed to be.

A couple weeks ago my littles' wanted to go for a walk. I usually have an agenda when we go for a walk, somewhere we need to be in a certain amount of time. But this time we set out with no where in particular to go and no need to get there in a hurry. So they climbed in and out of the stroller, we stopped every three steps for drinks of water, to check out a rock, or catch a grasshopper. On a normal walk this would have driven me insane. But since them enjoying this walk was the only goal, there was no need to hurry them along. 

I have a lot of big plans for this life. A lot of things I want to do, a lot of really good work for the glory of God. But I am unfortunately misled if I think any of those big plans I have, no matter how good they may seem, are really why I am here. Does God have work for me to do here? Absolutely. But just as in the raising of my children, the big things matter, but the little things, the things I repeat over and over and over again, like saying "I love you", reading books at bedtime, giving hugs, always offering forgiveness, being kind, these things matter more. I can spend all kinds of time and money remodeling my house but I'll never be able to enjoy it if I don't ever sweep the floor or take out the trash.  If I do big things for the community, but I don't show compassion or love to the people in the community each time I interact with them, I may get where I wanted to go, but look back and realize I missed the whole purpose of the walk. 

These things on repeat, these relationships that still need attention, this one hundredth opportunity to offer forgiveness, understanding, the benefit of the doubt, this is the good stuff of the journey. It's slowing us down, absolutely. We aren't going to get to where we want to be nearly as quickly as we would have liked. And maybe that's ok. Maybe His timing is perfect and all these stops and repeats are just what we need to become perfect as well. 

One of these days, maybe I will stop rolling my eyes at dishes piled up on the counter and the latest conflict in my email in box or on the tv screen. One of these days maybe I'll start seeing them as what they are: blessings. Because not only do they re-make me, they remind me just what I am here for. Often, I am back here on repeat once again so I can see one more time when I fall short, I can rely on Him. That whatever I am facing, He is in control of it, and I need only to give the situation to Him and trust Him with it. Conflict, worry, struggle, I will fail all of them on my own, but relying on Him I will not only find a grace-filled outcome, I will come face to face with grace itself. The presence of God with us. It's here, in these hard places, on repeat, where He is found. So yes, that 15th load of laundry for the day and that difficult phone call you have coming up, they are a blessing because they are an opportunity to be with God and trust Him. And we might find, underneath all that dirt and struggle we've been avoiding is in fact a peace-filled soul that we've been striving for all along. We might pause and realize we could settle in and enjoy who we are right here where we've been all along. We might just like our own selves for a change if we started looking for the best in our brothers and sisters. But seriously, take a picture, because you'll crash into another situation soon and have to start all over again. Wash, Rinse, Repeat. 

One of these days, maybe we'll all start to see this walk is a lot more about walking hand in hand with our Father AND our brothers and sisters, than it is about going a certain direction or getting anywhere in particular. Because if I've said it once I've said it a million times (and I hear Him whisper it to back to me each time): could you please just get along with your brother?

The Real Great Debate of 2020: What Love Is

I think we have found ourselves in a great debate about what love is. And actually its one that's been building for a long time, a slow chipping away at the truth, a slow enough fade that we didn't realize we had slipped so far down the slope until we looked up to see we were at the bottom and a long way from where we want to be. 

Right now the world says it is love to not shake your hand. It is love to not give you a hug. It is love to not visit you. It is love to sit on the couch and watch too much tv and eat too much food. It is love to not visit the elderly, the imprisoned, the sick, the dying. It is love to hide my face from you. It is love not to worship on Sundays. It is love to stay home. It is love to allow others to hurt because they have been hurt. It is always love to give to those who want to be given to. 

This is the message that is put out every day now in America. This is the social pressure to which we must conform or surely we are terrible, hateful people who must not care about anyone. Surely we do not love if we are not willing to do these things. 

I think we all see how we got here, this great fear of coronavirus. This great fear of contributing to the death of another. This great fear of being shamed on social media. But I'm asking you to take a step back for a moment, and look at where we are and ask for yourself, "is this really love?"

My little boy just turned 3 years old. He was placed with us at birth and sent to live with his birth mother after he celebrated his first birthday. It was a trauma for him, to lose the only parents he ever knew and be dropped down into a completely different family environment that was unfortunately full of abuse and more trauma. He has been living back with us since the last year and for the most part, he's a happy toddler. He has moments when he is afraid or shows signs of the trauma he experienced. And he has moments where he is just toddler who wants what he wants. I learned when he came back, that it was really hard for me to listen to his cries. They just cut right to my heart. I spent a year in agony because I couldn't be there when he was crying out for me. And now I am here, but I can't undo what happened that year. Sometimes what he's crying about I can't fix. And that destroys me. 

I had heard the term "guilt-parenting" tossed around from birth parents and visits with them to treatment programs and therapy. I never really understood it until this little man came back into my home. For parents who have been addicts and then go into recovery, they often struggle to parent well because they feel so badly for what they put their children though. They struggle being firm or holding them accountable or disciplining them when they need it because of their guilt. They tend to buy too many gifts, give too much candy, say yes to everything, and say no to nothing at all. It sounds ok, except if you're a parent you know it makes for an unhappy child. You know children need a parent to say no to eating a bag of candy that will make them throw up, they need a parent to teach them not to hit others so they can make friends and function in school and life. You know children need to know they aren't the one calling the shots because that's scary when you are that little. And you know, life will never give them everything they want because they throw a tantrum, and that's setting them up to fail and not be able to handle disappointment. 

The world today might say it is love to try to make up for a wrong that I didn't commit. The world today might say it is love to treat someone differently because of their past. 

There is a reality that sometimes I need to respond to my little man's tantrums with more grace because of what he's been though. Sometimes he's throwing a tantrum because he really needs a hug or reassurance that I'm coming back when I leave. But there is the very stark reality that I only cripple him if I don't ask the same behavior of him of everyone else in our house. There is the truth that treating him differently, not holding him accountable, not teaching him appropriate ways to behave so he can be happy now and in the future...that wouldn't be real love. It might make me feel better in the moment, but it wouldn't be doing whats best for him. The hugs, my love, that is never denied and always there. But icecream for breakfast, sorry, no. A third morning snack when you haven't eaten the first two? Please eat what's still on the table from 5 minutes ago. A new toy because you broke this one in anger? Sorry, probably need to learn there are consequences to being destructive. Hit your sister because you didn't get what you wanted...time out and give your sister a hug once you calm down.

That is love. It's not fun, this hard part of love. I'm definitely not popular in those moments and plenty of times I fall short. Love, real love, is not easy, but it's always worth it. Because even though he might be mad at me in the moment, each day he gives bigger hugs, is a little happier, enjoys life a little more, is proud of himself and accomplishes things. And those smiles are way bigger and more genuine than one I might get from giving in to an extra cookie to stop a tantrum.

An argument might be made that we have been guilt parenting in America. And the reality is there and obvious, that I can't fix what's been done in the past that I didn't do. And I actually only make things worse by treating people differently. I want you to do well. I want you to have every opportunity to succeed. I love you. So I will always treat you the same. I will always expect the same behavior I expect from every other American, no matter your past or current circumstance. And sometimes I will offer more love and grace, because I know there is a hurt I just can't heal. But I will love you enough to offer you a better life. It would be easier for me to just throw money at you. To just give in to all your demands. To just jump every time you cry. But that wouldn't be love, even though the world is saying so right now. I want you to have hope and a future and the real joy that comes from contributing your skills and being rewarded for them. I want you to do it on your own, and I'll be patient enough to see the smile on your face when you do it yourself, than the short lived one when I do it for you. 

The world right now often says love is giving to those who want. A few weeks ago my daughter came home from school with a backpack full of food and nice little letter about how this food is being distributed to ALL families regardless of need (thanks pandemic emergency funding thats so "desperately needed"). Giving food to those who CAN work and provide for their families themselves is not love. I looked at those pre-packaged frozen burritos and another unidentifiable frozen partitioned plate and was so sad. This is being sold as love. Sure, I can toss that in the microwave and satisfy my childrens appetites for a few minutes, and that might actually be love if we were starving to death and desperately needed to eat. But is it love to take from the me the job of providing for my family? I no longer need to cook anything. My husband doesn't need to work so that we can eat. Instead of helping, it is taking from us the feeling of satisfaction of taking care of our own children. It seems like love to feed someone, to toss someone a few dollars. It's easy love. It's walk-away-and-feel- good-about-doing-something-nice love. But it's not real love because it was more about making you feel better about giving than actually helping someone live well. It was you standing high up above and handing down to those below. Feeding the ACTUAL hungry, that's absolutely love, but feeding those not in need?

What about the great mask debate? What about staying home to protect others? That's "love of neighbor" right? That's real sacrificial love they are saying...

I think the fact that it's been portrayed as a sacrificial type of love is exactly why it's been so easy to get so many on board, and especially churches. We do want to love our neighbor and love God, this is in us, it's why we were created. But again, what is love? 

Wearing a mask is an act of love. "Everyone" is saying it. Someone even stood up and said it at church last week. What if not wearing a mask is an act of love too? What if people not wearing masks aren't doing so because they don't care about others or just don't want to wear them or just don't want to be told what to do? (someone seriously said all three of these things to me today as the only reasons they think people don't wear masks!) I'm sorry that's what you think. First, some people really can't wear them and we could all do better to be compassionate about that. A lot better. Secondly, a lot of people don't wear masks not because they don't care about you but because they really do. Read on...

My experience in foster care has taught me about the way humans develop. I've shared before in the first two-three years of life children develop the ability to create healthy attachments (relationships). They learn they are good, lovable, and worthy of love because and only because another human being interacts with them,cares for them and meets their basic needs. Children neglected in these early years are affected for the rest of their lives because their brains are formed during this time and they are forever wired to believe they are not lovable. Studies have even been done to determine if children will be ok as long as their physical needs of food and hygiene are met. But studies have all concluded that children need not only basic physical needs, but touch, hugs, smiles, laughter, eye contact, conversation, play. We NEED these things just as much as we need bread and water. This is not just my feeling. This is science. Children who don't get these things struggle to develop appropriately, and some even die.

My education in Theology of the Body goes hand in hand with this science, this understanding of the way we were created. We were not meant to be alone. God created Adam, and Adam had God and he was still looking for someone like him. Made in the image of God, who is three persons in one, we are made to only be complete in communion with others as well. Made in the image of God, we experience God in and through each other. Touch, smiles, hugs, body language is all a part of who we are. Our bodies are not shells for our souls, our bodies are an essential part of who we are, how we experience life and how we love each other. 

There tends to be a belief that it is weakness to need our bodies. A belief the mind is all we need. That we can work from home, school from home, socialize virtually, watch church on tv, never hug, shake hands, touch, etc and we will be just fine. Those things are just extras, not essential to living. And now  mask mandates say we don't need to see each other's faces. Actually, we say, it is love to hide your face. Except, I'm saying in love, we NEED to see each others faces. My children need to see your smiles. You and I need to see each others faces. We still as adults need the continued affirmation that we are loved. I know, some will say this is just a weakness, they don't need this affirmation, they know who they are. But science says otherwise. The church says otherwise. You know otherwise because you know what the last few months have been like. When you can't see someones face, they are just another body without a face. Almost like they are less of a person. There's a reality when someone pulls their mask down and you see their face that you cannot mistake the individuality. They are one of only one. Not a million masked faces but one face that will never be duplicated again. And they need to know they are loved. They need to see you smile. 

But yes, there is this great fear of corona virus. We can't ignore that. Lets talk a few facts about that. 

The facts about COVID-19 from the American Academy of Pediatrics:

“A smaller subset of states reported on hospitalizations and mortality by age, but the available data indicated that COVID-19-associated hospitalization and death is uncommon in children.

At this time, it appears that severe illness due to COVID-19 is rare among children. 

The Hospitalizations (25 states and NYC reported)*

• Children were 0.5%-3.7% of total reported hospitalizations, and between 0.2%-8% of all child COVID-19 cases resulted in hospitalization

Mortality (42 states and NYC reported)*

• Children were 0%-0.33% of all COVID-19 deaths, and 18 states reported zero child deaths
• In states reporting, 0%-0.15% of all child COVID-19 cases resulted in death”

https://services.aap.org/en/pages/2019-novel-coronavirus-covid-19-infections/children-and-covid-19-state-level-data-report/

 

COVID is not a leading cause of death in children. It doesn't even make the bar graph. What IS killing our children? Leading causes of death are still accidents, firearms/violence, cancer and suicide. (see https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2018/12/181219191100.htm)

“The rate at which young Americans took their own lives reached a high-water mark in 2017, driven by a sharp rise in suicides among older teenage boys, according to new research. In that year alone, suicide claimed the lives of 5,016 males and 1,225 females between 15 and 24 in the United States, researchers reported Tuesday in the Journal of the American Medical Assn.” (https://www.latimes.com/science/la-sci-suicide-rates-rising-teens-young-adults-20190618-story.html) This is 14.6 %. We are losing almost 15% of our teens each year and we are doing so little about it. But we have completely changed life as we know it because 100 children have died. In simple terms, our teenagers are much more likely to die from suicide than they are from COVID, and our church behaviors should be attempting to change that. Adult depression and suicide rates are also alarming right now. I know two families personally who have already experienced loss through suicide during the last 4 months. Research shows depression and suicide rates have increased considerably, even tripling in some states. “Overall, 40.9% of respondents reported at least one adverse mental or behavioral health condition…The percentage of respondents who reported having seriously considered suicide in the 30 days before completing the survey (10.7%) was significantly higher among respondents aged 18–24 years (25.5%)…..Community-level intervention and prevention efforts, including health communication strategies, designed to reach these groups could help address various mental health conditions associated with the COVID-19 pandemic.” https://www.cdc.gov/mmwr/volumes/69/wr/mm6932a1.htm

Its also concerning that we have quickly discarded the poor and vulnerable during the time of COVID. So much outreach and mission has stopped. Parents of children in foster care who are addicts have lost jobs, been left alone without any support. The disabled lost the many resources we have worked as society over many years to provide for them overnight. Children in abusive situations were and still are left unsupervised and in danger. “1700 children die from abuse and neglect in the United States each year.” https://www.ncfrp.org/reporting/child-abuse-and-neglect/#:~:text=It%20is%20reported%20that%20more,are%20the%20most%20vulnerable%20victims

Again, I realize adults are dying from COVID, do the research yourself and decide if the numbers are as alarming as the media is making them to be. I doubt you'd get behind the wheel of a car ever again if they told you every day how many people die in car accidents each day, and you'd probably stop eating at McDonalds if the heart disease death rates were being shoved down your throat every morning via social media. But no matter what, there is always a responsibility to protect life. There is a balance to find where we protect the elderly and the lives of our children, not looking at health as the only factor, but in fact as church we must care even more about the state of the soul. Life is not simply having a pulse, it is being free to live. We should stand up against those who try to limit the freedom of others as we believe liberty is a God-given right. It should always concern us when a government or a church or people are attempting to control others.

We need each other. We need to be physically present with other people. We need to be able to physically express affection. 

The growing conflict in our nation was absolutely no surprise to me during lockdown. Of course we have conflict when we are not together, especially not worshiping together. Ever notice how it's a lot easier to be mad at someone from a distance? Anyone else notice how there was conflict the last few months in your families and churches more than ever before? 

I've been pretty quiet about this, I find it important to save relationship and avoid debate. Ultimately I know what happens here is important, but I'm more concerned with what happens to your soul once we leave here. I know whatever happens my hope in someday Jesus healing all of our hurt hasn't changed one bit. But I'm speaking out because there's an attack right now on how you might come to know God and His love for you by taking away your experience with the physical world. 

And I'm speaking out because you just can't keep living in fear. As a foster parent, I know what its like for the government to have control of my children and their futures. I have waited months for court dates for others to decide about children I love as my own and had babies I've raised taken from my arms by government employees as I helplessly watch them drive away. As someone who suffers from recurrent pregnancy loss I have waited for the children growing inside my body to most likely die more times than you can imagine. And I promise you, FEAR is not your friend. Fear will steal every ounce of joy from every moment. Fear of dying will make it impossible for you to really live. You can't live there. As a mother who has lived in that place and on the other side, it wouldn't be love for me to watch you keep living like this. 

My little man was out one cold day playing after the rain in a puddle, and while we're all about splashing in rain boots, he surprised me a little when he sat down in the puddle. His sister, who thinks anything crazy anyone else does is awesome, was quick to follow and plopped right down next to him. I cringed and thought how cold and yucky it must be in that puddle but I figured they would figure that out pretty soon and hop out. But next they started dipping their hair in the water, and when they bent down to start drinking, that's when I said, "ok guys, get out of the puddle and into the bathtub!"

I love you, and I will watch you make a lot of choices and be quiet about it. I might even sit in the mud puddle with you sometimes just so you aren't alone as you figure it out.  You aren't my child, so I can't and won't ever try to control you or your actions and I'd love if you'd offer me the same respect. But I will gently encourage you to stop if you're drinking from a puddle. We live on a farm you know, chances are its not just mud in that puddle. And understand, I just WON'T drink from the puddle too just because you might think that's what love looks like. 

I love you. It's why I won't hide my face, It's why I will still offer a hug and a handshake and I will  speak out for the elderly who feel abandoned, the poor, the disabled, the mentally and physically ill, and most of all our vulnerable children. "whoever receives one child such as this in my name receives me. ...See that you do not despise one of these little ones, for I say to you that their angels in heaven always look upon the face of my heavenly father." Mt 18.  

What is love? St. Paul says: "Love is patient, love is kind. It is not jealous, love is not pompous, it is not inflated, it is not rude, it does not seek its own interests, it is not quick-tempered, it does not brood over injury, it does not rejoice over wrong-doing but rejoices with the truth." 1 Cor 13:4-6

Consider this when deciding what love is and how to talk about these hard things. (Read: love doesn't shame others on social media.) 

"Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things, love never fails." 1 Cor 13:7-8

It is hard to love. Especially when the ones you love don't see it as love. I know what you are doing is being done out of love. Thank you for reading this and seeing that what I do is being done out of love too. The devil is working so hard to get us all to hate each other. I find it interesting that the only way he's been able to accomplish that is to motivate us with the belief we are in fact acting in love. We really are on the same page, same team, same goal. Maybe if we can't agree on exactly what love is right now, we can at least take a baby-step and realize that most of those who don't agree with us aren't doing it out of hate. And maybe that's all we really need to do to turn the world right side up again. 

I find it so important to always test everything back to scripture and church teaching. And when I think of what the world says love is today, it's almost completely opposite what Jesus has taught us. See for yourself:

These things are still love in the eyes of the church: (Corporal and Spiritual Works of Mercy)

1. To feed the hungry: Mt. 25:35

1. To give drink to the thirsty: "Mt. 25:35

1. To clothe the naked: Mt. 25:36

1. To visit the imprisoned: Mt. 25:36

1. To shelter the homeless: " Mt. 25:35

1. To visit the sick: " Mt. 25:36

1. To bury the dead: " Mt. 25:40

1. To admonish the sinner:  Lk. 15:7

1. To instruct the ignorant: Mk. 16:1

1. To counsel the doubtful:  Jn. 14:27

1. To comfort the sorrowful: Mt. 11:28

1. To bear wrongs patiently:  Lk. 6:27-28

1. To forgive all injuries: Mt. 6:12

1. To pray for the living and the dead:  Jn. 17:24

If the world is saying love is the opposite of these things, who is really saying that? Is that really of God, or is that coming from the opposite of God? The world changes, but Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today and forever. What it means to love has not changed.  

And sometimes it is easier to say what love is NOT: (The Seven Deadly Sins)

 

1.     Pride: an excessive love of self or the desire to be better or more important than others.

2.     Greed: Immoderate desire for earthly goods.

3.     Lust: an intense desire, usually for sexual pleasure, but also for money, power or fame.

4.     Anger: Inordinate desire for revenge.

5.     Gluttony: over-consumption, usually of food or drink..

6.     Envy: Sorrow and desire for another's good fortune, happiness, talents or abilities

7.     Sloth: Laxity in keeping the Faith and the practice of virtue, due to the effort involved.

I think all of us can take a good long look at this list and see the way these sins have overtaken our world, even ourselves. 

" I have set before you life and death, the blessing and the curse. Choose life, then, that you and your descendants may live" Deut 30:19

We all have a lot of work to do here don't we?  But we go forward in confidence because "love never fails."

Here's a great starting point:

1. Humility (overcomes pride)
2. Generosity (Overcomes greed)
3. Chastity (Overcomes Lust)
4. Meekness (Overcomes Anger)
5. Temperance (Overcomes Gluttony)
6. Brotherly Love (Overcomes Envy)
7. Diligence (Overcomes Sloth)

What might our world look like if we today made an effort to live these virtues? 

What if we made the choice to have conversations in love? 

What if we stopped seeing our brothers and sisters as enemies and saw instead the real enemy and turned our energy on battling him? 

What if, WHAT IF, we save our country by simply saying "Jesus, help me to love and to know what love is today." Amen.

It Would be a Shame to Give up Now

 My garden looks like a complete weed patch. I did such a great job taking care of it early on in the spring and summer. Hours spent tilling the soil and planting the seeds. Days spent pulling weeds so the new seeds could grow.  So much work to grow food for our large family to eat fresh this summer and to store for the whole rest of the year. But then, I was busy planning our church summer camp, and then a short family vacation, and then busy getting ready for our confirmation retreat, and as time went on I would glance at the garden on my way past and see all the weeds taking over and I would quickly look away. "I don't have time to tackle that right now, soon I'll get in there and take care of that" I'd tell myself. Every now and then, I'd pop in and pick a zucchini or two, or look for a ripe tomato. But mostly, I avoided it because the weeds had gotten so bad, I didn't even know where to start to save it. Some of the weeds have been allowed to grow so long their roots are so big I am not strong enough to pull them out. Some of the weeds have grown so long and tall that the climbing beans have actually wrapped around them to use as support and pulling out the weed would only kill the bean plant as well. (Mt 13:30?) 

You might look at this garden, so overtaken by weeds and give up on it all together. We could just mow it all down and start again next year. We could spray it with a chemical to kill everything off so those weeds don't keep coming back. But if you were the one who planted it, you would know that hidden within all those weeds is actually a lot of good fruit and vegetables. Rows and rows of huge potatoes that were fully grown before the weeds took over and are waiting safely underground that just need to be dug up. Beans that have climbed above the weeds and are dripping with green pods and loaded with more white blossoms that say many more are still coming. Cabbage curling now into beautiful purple heads and tomato and pepper plants heavy with the weight of huge fruit on their branches. If you really search, if you know where they were planted, you'll find the largest onions I've ever grown and a beautiful row of carrots growing along quietly under the soil. But if you didn't plant it, if you didn't know what was in there, if you didn't ask anybody, if you didn't take the time to really look, you might just see a big patch of weeds that needs to be mowed down. And even if you were the one that planted it, the weeds might just intimidate you into staying away as it looks too far gone. So much work. 

Is this sounding familiar to you? I think sometimes I can look around at the world, at the church, at a relationship, and see so many problems I don't even know where to start that I just want to avoid it all together. Maybe even words get tossed around about a fresh start, no hope, need to start over. But if you see what I see, you'd see there is still so much fruit in that garden hidden in all those weeds. And if you give up on it now, all that hard work will be lost. All those hours you spent tilling the soil and planting and weeding. All for the goal, not of having a weed free garden, but of GROWING FRUIT remember? When we set out to share the gospel our goal is not to eradicate evil but to sow hope, to make disciples, to harvest souls in spite of a field of weeds. 

I know it would certainly be easier to give up now. To look away and not even enter into the weed patch I call my garden. To mow it all down, till it up, and start again next year. As it would be to say of our world, our communities, our churches, our families. There are so many problems with all of them, there is so much sin. But they are so full of fruit. And I need it. My garden needs to feed my family not just this summer but for the entire winter. We live in an age where we take for granted that we can go to the grocery store and always have food available to us. We might understand this lesson more if we lived in a time where we alone were responsible to growing our own food. If I give up now, my family might actually starve. (This might be a good time to remind you, if all the farmers and food producers of our world decided to just "stay home" during covid like so many of the rest of the world did, you would all starve too.) Not only is it not in our best interest to give up now, we just simply can't. Our survival depends on it. 

I spent last weekend with some teenagers in our parish. I love working with teenagers because I have always seen what incredible hearts they have and the great gifts they offer the world. But people don't often see this in teenagers. They see attitude and defiance and poor decision making. They never get past the weeds to see the fruit that is there. And sometimes because of that, it goes unharvested. We miss out on essential gifts that have been sown into our churches because we won't even enter into the garden to try to find it. But it is there. Because God plants good things in His garden. 

I know, the news, the emails, the people who don't even know the difference between weeds and fruit, it's all so frustrating, so discouraging. You aren't the only one who has cast a glance at a weed filled garden and wondered if it's even worth it. Wondered if you even have it in you to do anything about it. 

But if you could see what I see, you would know it would be such a shame to give up now. The fruit is ripe and I think there is more of it than there has ever been before. I know you are tired, you have a lot going on on, there really isn't "time" to freeze corn, and beans but that's the thing about fruit. It doesn't wait. When it's ready, it's ready, and if you don't harvest it and take care of it, it will go bad. And even if you don't realize it, you REALLY need this fruit to survive. So get to work, "the harvest is abundant, but the laborers are few."Lk 10:2

What if...? Introducing Jadence Katherine

"You say what if I hurt you, what if I leave you
What if I find somebody else and I don't need you
What if this goes south, what if I mess you up
You say what if I break your heart in two then what" (What If by Kane Brown)

This has been sitting waiting for the right time to post, and I think today is the day. I heard this on the radio awhile ago, and I thought it was pretty fitting for Jadence's story in a two-fold way. The first is this...

It was December 2017, we had just recently told our foster care licencor that we were still not ready for long term placements after saying goodbye to our foster daughter M that spring, we were still grieving and not ready to take on another possibility of another heartbreak. Plus, Samuel and Isabella were still very young, Bella still wasn't walking. We told her we'd be willing to do respite care which is just short term, typically one or two day stays when other foster parents need someone else to take their kids for a while.
Our phone rang wondering if we would care for a one year old who had been placed with another foster family and was now going to live with a relative. The foster family had a conflict and was unable to keep her an extra night, so could she stay with us just for one night?
Yes.
This is easy, this part of foster care. Opening your home, sharing an extra room, an extra plate, an extra hug. I can do that and it will be a very small sacrifice, and a bring a lot of joy to our family.
She was so fun. So smiley. Came right to me with a smile and hug.  The other kids loved her. I put her to sleep in our spare room whispering prayers for her precious soul, who doesn't even seem bothered to be in the second strangers home of the week. The next day, we play and she is happy and content. I wait for the social worker to call to arrange her pickup by her family member. I realize as I worry about it, that I have already let myself love her a little.

But the family member is ready, and it seems like a good thing for her, so we pack her up, say goodbye, and tell the social worker how fun it was to have her. It really is fun to do respite care, little heartbreak involved.

A little over a month later, the phone rings again. Would we be willing to do respite for that same little girl for the weekend? Sure, that would be fun. And we hate to see foster kids bounced around to so many different homes, if we can offer familiarity, we try to.

We pick her up, this time she cries a lot. A lot.

The weekend ends, the week begins, the social worker wonders if we can keep her a few days longer. Sure, why not? Well, Dan was in the cities for his brothers surgery so I was solo-parenting, but we made it work.

Friday is approaching, I tell Dan, I haven't heard from the social worker, I'm guessing when she calls tomorrow she's going to ask if we can keep Jadence for a longer stay, what is our answer?

We have a lot of reasons to say no. Bella just turned two, she's not yet walking. Samuel is two and a half. After a year of having three one year olds, I was just getting used to being able to go places in public again by myself. Taking on another one year old meant more staying home, three in diapers again, less sleep. All of those are hard but we could do. But that looming last one...the big what if? The emotional heartbreak. "What if our hearts break again when they aren't even healed from last time?"

Dan comes home Thursday night from spending a few days at the children's hospital in the cities and I ask him what his answer is. He says, "We have to. I walked the halls of that hospital and saw room after room after room of children with no parents. I'm sure there are so many different stories and situations, but it was heartbreaking to see them sick and all alone and I know if we can be parents to Jadence even for a while, we should be. Plus, you know we fell in love with her already."

"Yeah, I know. When did you decide that?" I ask.

He smiles as he admits "Probably the first time I held her,"

The next day the social worker calls and I tell her "of course Jadence can stay as long as she needs to, we love her." We have no idea how long it will be, a few weeks, a few months? There are so many "what if's?" and most likely they all end in my heart completely broken, but until then, I'll love her everyday.

When Jadence came she was 17 months old. She couldn't crawl or stand. She wouldn't cry in the morning when she woke up from the crib. I would watch the video monitor and go get her when I saw her start to move around, otherwise she would just sit up, look around and go back to sleep. Babies stop crying when no one ever answers their cries. They learn crying doesn't work, no one ever comes.

Jadence started physical therapy to help catch up her development, she had very low muscle tone, but she quickly learned to crawl, stand, push things around and finally walk. She was so proud of herself each time she accomplished something, it was so fun to see her realize she could do something.

I could write pages and pages of her first year with us and her story and the roller coaster that was her journey to adoption that include multiple times of heartbreak as we were told she was leaving us and then ended up staying. But what I think is the greatest take away from her story is her own "what if's?". Because of her first difficult year of life, Jadence struggles to trust. Brains develop attachment in the first two years of life. We cry because we're hungry and someone feeds us. We cry because we're wet and someone changes us. We cry because we are lonely and someone talks to us, holds us, plays with us. We cry because we're hurt and someone comforts us. We learn someone will take care of us, the world is a good place, we can trust our parents. But often, kids who enter foster care have not had this experience and then their brains have not developed correctly. They cried, and no one came. They were hungry, and no one fed them. They learned other people, especially parents couldn't be trusted. They learned, trusting people only sets you up for getting let down. When they begin to care about someone, their minds instantly wonder the thoughts in the beginning lyrics to that song. And this has been the next years of her life, her wondering "what if?" and pushing us away. Her being scared to trust us, afraid we're going to leave her or not be there for her. Wanting to do everything herself so she doesn't need anybody. She didn't want my hand when she was learning to walk stairs even though she would fall without it. I had stay so close to catch her every time. When she first came, she would not make eye contact with me when I was holding her. She wanted to be held, but not actually develop a connection with the person holding her.

It took such a long time to get her to trust us. It's still and probably will always be a hurdle she will have to overcome, to allow herself to trust people. To believe that people are good, and that especially her parents won't hurt her or let her down when in fact we're the ones who love her the most.

This is hard isn't it? This reality that we can be damaged for life so early in life.
But it's also hard, because I think we can all realize, that when we look at our own relationship with God, these same things come into play. We often struggle to trust him. We believe that He has at some point or another let us down when we needed Him. I realized today as I was speaking with a friend that as I have struggled to pray since all of this COVID craziness it's really deep down because I am mad at Him for letting it happen. And because I'm mad, it means I really don't trust that He is doing what's best for me and taking care of me. We push him away when He's the only one who can help us, when He's the one that loves us more than anyone, when He is actually taking good care of us, and is the only one who will. We'd rather do it ourselves, than risk relying on Him and being let down. The saddest part about that, is that He never let us down. We are blaming him for the devil's hurts just like Jadence is angry at me for things that happened to her before she knew me. Its the greatest, and maybe only lie the devil tells: that God can't be trusted. The devil uses all kinds of hurt and sin to make it seem like God has let us down. But I promise you He has not. And you know it, and want to believe it, and it's ok to let yourself believe it today. And if you're still struggling to believe that, look at the cross. Does it make sense that the God who did that for you would ever let you down? 

There are a lot of experts and a lot of books about helping children cope with attachment issues. There are a lot of theories, and every child is so different, and some so severely hurt even professionals don't know how to help. But overwhelmingly, the best thing we can do for Jadence and many of these kids is to love them unconditionally, consistently, intentionally. Love them when they hate us. Love them when they show more affection to a stranger at the mall. Love them when they throw their 15th tantrum for the day. Today, Jadence was sitting a timeout in my lap at the park, thrashing around saying she wanted to get away, but as soon as I let my arms go, she would quickly grab them and wrap them back around herself. So conflicted, wanting my love, and yet being so afraid to let herself love me. So I just held her, the whole time. Everytime she told me to let her go, I did, everytime she wrapped my arms tightly again, I held her close. 

This is what Jesus does for us too. He loves us even when we hate Him. Even when we ignore Him. He is patient with us. He consistently, time, after time, after time loves us and hopes we love Him in return some day.

The difference is, I will fail Jadence. I will lose my temper and yell when I should speak words with love. I will hurry her when I should be patient. I will want to be loved in return. Not everyday, but once in a while I will fail her. But Jesus will not. And that is my prayer. That she (and all of us) will know His love, that never fails. His love is the only thing, that will "fix" us from our disorder. Because we've all wondered those first lines from that song, what if we trust him and He lets us down, what if He breaks our heart in two?

But as the song goes on to reply:

"What if I was made for you and you were made for me
What if this is it, what if it's meant to be"

And we really are, made for Him.

There were so many fears and what-if's when we said that scary "yes" to Jadence almost three years ago, but in Sept 2018 she became Jadence Katherine Full and laid her head on my shoulder and the song refrain and God responded:

"What if one of these days baby I'd go and change your name
What if I loved all these what ifs away"

She is spunky and fun. It takes almost nothing to make her smile or giggle. She thrives on attention and she hangs right with her brothers in a wrestling match or running around the house. She is a complete sandwich of a tom-boy and the girliest girl you've ever met, which she shows off often as she dresses up in princess dresses with super-hero masks and roars around the house. She's a farm girl who'd rather wear boots any day of the week and wants to be on the tractor and with the cows if that's where her dad is, and if she can do it with a pretty dress on that's even better. And her favorite place in the whole entire world is sitting on her dad's lap. And those are my favorite moments, because I get to see her truly happy. Not hurting, not wanting to be happy but unable to trust. When she's sitting on his lap, she is at peace, and there is no more beautiful girl in the whole world than a girl at peace in the arms of her father.

Its been a long three years, but I am so incredibly grateful every day that our "what if" turned out to be "meant to be."

Somedays, she comes over unexpectedly after an outburst or tantrum and gives me a big hug and says so sincerely, "I'm sorry mommy". Her hugs mean so much more, because I know the journey it's been to get to the place where she not only wants to hug me, but trusts me enough to hug me. A small feeling, I'm sure, compared to what God feels after waiting patiently for us to climb into his lap and rest for a while.