We are just a few weeks away from finalizing our daughters adoption. When we do that, I will share her beautiful photos and more about the last two years of our life. For now, I'll tell you that she is just starting to walk at 2 years old because she has down syndrome and was also born very premature and had to overcome a lot of health issues. In some ways she is very much a 2 year old and in other ways she is more like a one year old just learning to walk and talk and not throw food on the floor, etc. Our son Samuel is 2 1/2 and not yet potty trained because, well frankly he doesn't want to, and he is pretty vocal about what he wants and doesn't want to do (there might be some sayings out there about curly hair and mischief that I am a believer in). Nathaniel is 5, turning 6 soon, and we began homeschooling in January (which has been wonderful, but is a post for another day!) This is a typical day at our house and what we sometimes feel like: (collapsed horse-y ride)
So when the phone rang wondering if we would give a 1 year old a home, I hesitated. I knew that it meant 3 kids in diapers, 2 that don't walk. I knew it meant more laundry and less sleep and being stretched in another direction when I'm already stretched so thin. I knew it meant I wouldn't have the freedom to go to church or the grocery store or anywhere public by myself unless I can figure out how to grow a third arm. And most of all, I knew that she is the same age our last foster daughter was when she first came, and my heart is still broken from her leaving this summer. I knew that most likely we would be signing up for an incredible heartbreak.
I'm sure a lot of people would even call it ridiculous to say yes. I know a lot of parents with large families that have shared the same feelings, that people must think they are ridiculous because they keep having children. Unfortunately, the devil has worked very hard to convince us that children are burdens, to see the sacrifice of all of those things I thought about: time, sleep, money. When we focus on the sacrifice, we fail to see the incredible gift we are being given. God is literally giving you another human being. THAT. IS. INCREDIBLE. And in our case, God AND another person are giving us their precious child. I can't even wrap my head around it when I snuggle them close. Someone gave them to me!! Whether forever or for a few months, there is no greater gift!
I know all this, although I still have to remind myself when I have just put Samuel back in bed for the 5th time and I hear his tiny footsteps pattering through the hallway, I remind myself how long I prayed for the patter of tiny feet to echo through our quiet house. I still need reminders that they are gifts on the difficult days too.
I would also guess I hesitated because even if we see children as gifts, we still want to make sure we get to live "our life" the way we want to. I laugh to remember that I used to tell people I wanted to have my babies in multiples so I could have my babies all at once and get back to work as soon as possible. (God has a funny way of giving us what we ask for just in a different way...) The problem with this is at the very core of it is selfishness. It's wanting what we want out of life. And when we focus on what we want and the lifestyle we would like to live, children (or too many) get in the way of that.
What we miss, when we let selfishness make our decisions, are the gifts God wants to give us. When we grasp for something else our hands aren't open to what He is giving us. We reach for one apple, when He offers the whole entire garden. We all know none of us would ever give any of our children back, even if they were "unplanned" we know their worth and the joy they bring. Yet how often do we say "no" to the children God wants to give us? Maybe He is encouraging you to adopt. Maybe your heart is closed to having more children. Maybe you don't have time for more friends or volunteering at your church. Maybe your heart is closed to loving the people in your life in the sacrificial way He is asking. There are great gifts we may be missing because we believe we can create or plan something better that's not so ridiculous.
This was the first reading at Mass the day we got the phone call:
"Let brotherly love continue.
Do not neglect hospitality,
for through it some have unknowingly entertained angels.
Be mindful of prisoners as if sharing their imprisonment,
and of the ill-treated as of yourselves,
for you also are in the body.
Let marriage be honored among all
and the marriage bed be kept undefiled,
for God will judge the immoral and adulterers.
Let your life be free from love of money
but be content with what you have,
for he has said, I will never forsake you or abandon you.
Thus we may say with confidence:
The Lord is my helper,
and I will not be afraid.
What can anyone do to me?
Remember your leaders who spoke the word of God to you.
Consider the outcome of their way of life and imitate their faith.
Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today, and forever." Hebrews 13:1-8
It was obvious the answer was "yes" because God gave us each other so that we could create life, not be closed to the gifts that He is wanting to give us, even if we don't get to keep them very long, and even if they involve sacrifice, and EVEN if everyone else thinks it's ridiculous.
Our foster daughter who left this summer was visiting us last weekend which is why we ended up with 5 in church. She keeps asking me to pick her up so she can touch Jesus on the crucifix in our dining room. She touches it with such care and looks on him so intently.
My challenge for all of us this Lent is to spend time every day looking at a crucifix. Not just a glance, but gaze for a full minute or two. Because we must learn from it. We must learn how to live for others and not ourselves. We must learn how to sacrifice our own dreams, wishes, goals, lives. We must learn to do what He did, and do it with love, not bitterness. Because only in learning to be last will we find what our hearts are searching for.
It was pretty ridiculous really what He did. Loving people who were cruel to him, even to the point of death. Most would have probably said it seemed crazy, but He knows what I know: they are worth it.
You are worth it.
Praying for you as you love ridiculously this lent!
(Oh, and in case you're wondering "why didn't I just stay home from church on Sunday?" It's because I really believe in the GIFT of the Eucharist and not the burden of an obligation on Sunday AND my church family is incredible and I knew they would help and they did. I wish you could have seen they way my parish loves me as a mom when they grab my kids when they're running away, smile and play with them, pick up the things they cleaned out of my purse, hold their hand on the way out to the car, and teenagers that sit and hold my children for the entire mass or catch them on the way up to communion. Believe me, I still left church exhausted, but feeling so loved. Thank you to everyone who welcomes children at church, because it would be so much "easier" to stay home, but you make it possible for us to come.)
I don't normally read blogs but stumbled upon this one. Your words rang true to my heart, Ann! Thank you for sharing your faith and for loving your kids so intentionally!
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