Finding the Moments

I would have classified it as a "bad day". You know the kind... when the people around you are crabby, you are crabby and everything seems to go wrong? Those days I remember I would often tell my husband when he got home to see a completely exhausted shell of the woman he married trying against all odds to just make it through the next few hours until I could crash into bed that "it was just a bad day, tomorrow will be better." Until I started to realize, I seemed to have more bad days than good lately. And if I have more bad days than good am I doing something wrong?
Yes, I was missing it. The most important parts lost in the "bad days."  I want life to be so black and white. Easy to figure out and easy to control.  But what if God knows the real blessings live in the gray? That's when I started noticing MOMENTS. I started realizing that I couldn't classify my life in terms of good days and bad days, but instead in moments. Moments of beauty in the midst of complete chaos. Do a lot of days have more bad moments than good ones? Maybe. Are there some good moments that make up for a hundred bad ones? Yes.

Like when M was giving B kisses in church on Easter. Yes, the whole entire service was a disaster of kids crying and making noise and throwing things and pretty much ruining church for the entire area around us, BUT there was a moment when M so gently leaned across me to give her baby sister the sweetest of toddler kisses and both of their faces were almost touching mine and I just soaked it in. What a beautiful thing to be so close to this precious tiny love between sisters that is so pure. All the chaos was worth it for that moment.

Or last week when 6 inches of snow melted and then it rained for two days making our yard a muddy mess but the kids were desperate to go outside. It was a scramble of running around picking kids up out of the mud, trying to get boots back on in the middle of puddles and wiping off muddy toddler hands without dropping the baby. It was a complete disaster, and yet, at one point Nathaniel was helping Samuel and I asked him to hold his hand to help him walk. He does this so gently and lovingly like only my Nathaniel can. I was holding M's hand and the baby but I managed to get a picture to capture the special moment. This is one I don’t want to forget. Watching them walk hand in hand, Nathaniel helping Samuel along, it’s another moment in the chaos that makes it all worth while.

Later that day, after dragging screaming kids in the house, covered head to toe in mud and freezing but screaming because they still wanted to be outside, I found a bunch of other beautiful moments in the mess of cranky kids before supper. Samuel's proud smile as I cheered for him as he "raced" his brother through the house. Samuel and M's eyes lighting up at the sweet taste of their hot chocolate. M's pride at completing a puzzle. And in between those moments they were taking turns crying, clinging to my legs and fighting. I couldn't wait another minute for supper so we ate early so they would settle down. If this day had been a few weeks ago, when Dan got home I would have given him "the look" and he would have asked if everything was ok and I would have said "it was just a bad day" in my most defeated voice. Instead, I greeted him with a shrug and a laugh about what our life looks like right now, and he gave me a big squeeze and reminded me how much he loves me and just how lucky we are. Right on cue, M walked by proudly wearing her brothers coat backwards, smiling ever so proudly. "I love our family" Dan said, smiling just as proudly, soaking up the moment.

There are so many moments I know that I miss because I’m thinking of something else or I'm worried about something or I'm in a bad mood because something has gone wrong. But I’m reminded today that I can’t judge a day as bad or good, there is no day that’s bad or good, but days with moments that are bad and moments that are good. And it's most likely the contrast of the two that makes life so wonderful. And it's even more likely that the bad moments mixed with the good ones can make something even more beautiful than they can on their own. Like the way the sun and rain create a rainbow. The really magical stuff happens not in the black and white, but in the gray. In between the happiest days of our lives and the hardest is the real beauty. The days that are exactly the same as the one before. The days when the kids fight and the supper burns and the laundry pile is taller than our oldest child. These are the beautiful days when we stop to notice the moments. Like M saying "watch" and showing me how she can walk down the stairs by herself, beaming the whole way. Like B learning how to clap and then laughing so hard about it she almost tips over. The way Nathaniel lays his head on my shoulder when I carry him to bed in the middle of the night or watching Samuel drive his tractors on the window sill and hearing him making the engine noise with his lips for the first time.

It's a good thing we aren't in control. Because if we were, we'd schedule a full life of sunshine and "good days". And we'd never get to see a rainbow. There is beauty in the place that you are now, if only for a moment. Find the moments and you will find joy, not just for a moment but enough for a whole lifetime.