To the Friends and Family of a “Crazy” Foster/Adoptive Family

We’ve been hearing the word “crazy” a lot lately. And it’s not because I’ve been leading wacky kids songs or joining in water fights. Well, I have been doing those things, but most people that know me are used to that.  It’s because we’re growing, at least for now, from a family of 4 to a family of 6. The “crazy” part, so we’re told, is that 3 of those kiddos are 1 year old and under. People say “you're busy” or “you sure have your hands full” but overwhelmingly the response is “you guys are crazy” and I have to admit that I had heard it so often I was kind of starting to believe it. I realized I was almost embarrassed to share their ages when people asked. So when someone asked me for the millionth time I just ended with, “I know, you probably think we’re crazy.” But her response surprised me “No, I don’t think you’re crazy, I think you’re incredibly compassionate and caring.” I wasn’t ready for it, but I didn’t realize until the moment I heard it how nice it was that someone didn’t think we were crazy, how nice it was that someone else understood that it’s simply about love.

Here’s the thing dear friends and family: When we decided to do foster care, we didn’t consult you. It was our choice for our little family of two. The problem with that, is that we didn’t consider that it takes more than two to raise a child, and that any decision we make impacts you as a part of our world. We made the decision to open our hearts to welcome children for an unknown amount of time into our lives after many hours in prayer and God giving us peace about the heartbreak that would come with that opening of the heart. You, on the other hand, by default of being connected to us, end up forced to open yourself to new kids and possibly a heartbreak of your own. You didn’t get to spend hours deciding if it would be worth it, or hear God remind you He has seen you through loss before and He will do it again.  So I understand that our lifestyle might be a little too “crazy” for you sometimes. And that’s ok. 

I know when you encourage us to proceed with caution or try to talk us out of things all together it’s because you are worried about us and have our best interest at heart, and for that we love you. But consider that we believe it’s in our best interest to put our interests aside for the good of others. Consider that through both the loss of our children through miscarriage and in foster care that we have learned just how true the phrase “better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all” really is. Consider that we never make decisions without giving them so much thought and more importantly a whole lot of prayer.   But also understand that we know none of this changes how it affects you. You will be there to let us cry on your shoulder when our hearts are broken. You will buy extra birthday gifts, babysit extra kids, and listen to yet another heart-wrenching story that we have jumped in the middle of instead of avoiding it like many would. You will welcome these tiny people into your family whether for the day, the month or forever, and for that we are eternally grateful. Because giving kids a family is more than just giving them parents. We love you and we love that you do all that even though foster care wasn’t your choice.

Even though you do all that and so much more, I’m asking for one final thing: SUPPORT.  Support for our “crazy” undertakings. You see, when we decided to do foster care I suppose the biggest reason we didn’t consult anyone else is because we don’t typically feel the need to get permission or have affirmation from others. We know what we’re doing is right and that’s all that matters. Except, I’ve realized in our latest adventure, that while I don’t NEED your support or understanding of the way we’ve chosen to live our life, I would really LIKE it. I would really like for you to even be happy for us, even though you aren’t sure we should be happy about it. I would really like to know you want us to succeed and I would really love for you to recognize that success means God has once again proven His strength, not mine. I would love if you offered a helping hand when I’m needing it, but more than anything, I would really just like to see “I get it” instead of “you’re crazy” when I look in your eyes.  “I get it” as in “I get that you’ve been called to serve God in this way and your choices to follow him are beautiful, even if I wouldn’t do it myself. I get that you value children so much. I get that because of that value, not a lot of other things hold much weight in a decision to take a child. I get that even though to the untrained eye this looks like a ton of sacrifice, you mostly see blessings. I get it.”  

You really don’t have to say a word, the look says it all. I’m not looking for praise, in fact, I’d really prefer you don’t say things at all about the “good we’re doing” because it makes my kids feel like a service project.  They are truly the angels, not us. Just give me a simple knowing smile when someone else tells me I’m crazy so I don’t feel like I’m the only one in the world that cares about these tiny little hearts. Because truly I know you would do the same if you were in my shoes. And I promise when you are in that place in your life, whatever “crazy” looks like to me, I will step back and try to see it from your view like that wonderful person did for me.

I can’t say enough how blessed we are by our friends and family. Thank you for your constant love, support and understanding. So many of you do “get it” already and you are such blessings to our crazy growing family.