This year for lent on the suggestion of a LifeTeen article of weird things to give up or do for Lent, I chose "standing up straight." Anyone who knows me knows I am a terrible sloucher. My mother tried with constant "stand up straight's" throughout my childhood but it never met with much more than eye rolling and pulling my shoulders back for a few seconds to make her happy. So, I decided this might be just the challenge I need. Well, "challenge" is the perfect word. This has by far been the hardest thing I've ever done for lent. I'm constantly realizing that I'm slouching and correcting my posture. It's definitely doing it's job getting me thinking about God throughout the day as I'm sure I'm correcting myself more than 20 times a day. After the first day my back was sore from using muscles I wasn't used too and some days it's just really hard to stand up straight when I'm really tired.
Today, I was having an extra tough time standing up straight and thought to myself how this really has been one of the worst times to have taken on this challenge. I've been sick, like the full-on FLU sick, THREE times during lent already! THREE! We added two new toddlers to our then one-toddler house hold (that's a total of THREE if you lost count) so I am more exhausted than I've ever been. And today we lost our sixth child to miscarriage. Today, and a lot of days during this lent, but especially today, I didn't want to stand up straight. And when I thought about correcting myself part of me wanted to say "can't I just get a free pass today God?" What I really wanted to do when I got off the phone with the nurse with my lab results was curl up in a ball in my bed for the rest of the day and cry, not stand up straight. But all three toddlers were up from their nap and I had promised we'd go outside and blow bubbles. So I stood up straight and out we went. Well ok, thirty minutes later after herding all the kids into the entry way, tracking down all the coats, shoes and hats, chasing at least two back into the entry way after their escape, putting hats on for the third time, THEN out we went. And when I stepped out the door I was met with a wonderful surprise: it was beautiful weather! Here in Minnesota we've had a cold winter that just never seems to end. We just got a few inches of snow last night, and this morning the ground was covered with ice and snow. But by this afternoon it was calm and sunny, the snow had mostly melted and it was light jacket weather. I sat on the deck blowing bubbles with the kids, watching them splash in the puddles and just soaked in the warm sunshine. I wish I could share the beautiful view I had from my deck this afternoon that made me realize why it was so important to God that I chose to stand up straight this Lent. See what I would be missing if I was in bed? And not just what I would be missing today. Today is my son's third birthday. It's amazing to think of the blessing he has been to us and all of the joy he has brought us. I am so very glad we chose to quit sulking and stand up to the challenge God was facing us with when we agreed to take care of him. I didn't think I had the strength to do what I was being asked then, and I know I don't have the strength to stand up straight on a day like today and that is one of the things I love most about my God. "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in your weakness." 2 Cor 12:9 Thank you, thank you, thank you for making me strong when I am weak and helping me see the joy over the sorrow.
Wednesday, March 19, 2014
Monday, March 10, 2014
Stay Long Enough to Find Jesus
I often read the "Word Among Us" daily catholic devotions that follow the daily Mass readings. Today, one line was all I needed. It was a reflection on the commandment to love others as you love God, and the passage where Jesus says "just as you did for the least of these you have done for me."
I am a huge believer that there is good in every person, we just have to look harder to find it in some than we do in others. And it is what we look for that we will find. So if we are looking for flaws we will often miss the good completely. I love hearing people's stories. If I could spend all day just listening to life stories I would be content. There is so much greatness, and so much to be learned, and the more I learn, the more I see Jesus, see that goodness, and come to love others. But at a distance it is easy to dislike or even hate people. When we don't know them or their stories we can easily label them or use a specific thing to tell ourselves they are a "bad" person.
Today, the devotion said, "stay long enough to find Jesus". A great challenge for us all, when we are struggling to find the good in someone then that must be a person that needs us to try harder. Spend more time with them, ask more questions, share more of ourselves so that they will share themselves. Never giving up, and always staying long enough to find Jesus. :)
I am a huge believer that there is good in every person, we just have to look harder to find it in some than we do in others. And it is what we look for that we will find. So if we are looking for flaws we will often miss the good completely. I love hearing people's stories. If I could spend all day just listening to life stories I would be content. There is so much greatness, and so much to be learned, and the more I learn, the more I see Jesus, see that goodness, and come to love others. But at a distance it is easy to dislike or even hate people. When we don't know them or their stories we can easily label them or use a specific thing to tell ourselves they are a "bad" person.
Today, the devotion said, "stay long enough to find Jesus". A great challenge for us all, when we are struggling to find the good in someone then that must be a person that needs us to try harder. Spend more time with them, ask more questions, share more of ourselves so that they will share themselves. Never giving up, and always staying long enough to find Jesus. :)
Monday, March 3, 2014
Our Lives are in Your Hands
One of the song that our church praise band often sings has the chorus of "our lives are in your hands" (Landry). There are times when I sing that song and it's a comforting and peaceful chorus to sing, and then there are times when it's more reluctant or scary. I always have to catch myself when I get that "scared" feeling and question why I am feeling that way. Am I losing trust in my God? Do I not believe that in His hands is the best place for my life to be? I do the same thing every time I pray the Lord's Prayer, that line "thy will be done, on earth as it is in heaven." Sometimes we say that line and wince a little bit wondering just what pain, suffering and struggle it will bring. But if that's our reaction, it means it's time to do a little looking into our relationship with God.
Being in foster care we've done a lot of learning about attachment disorder. This brief explanation won't do it justice but just a snapshot: Basically humans learn how to trust and develop relationship in their very earliest years of life. As infants they cry when they have needs (hungry, wet, etc), their needs are met (they get fed and changed), therefore they learn to trust their caregivers. As they grow older they learn to give and receive love and that they can count on their caregivers being there for them. When this does not happen, children can suffer from attachment disorder. They learn that their needs won't be met, that they can't trust their caregivers to meet their needs or always be there for them. Therefore they push away anyone who tries to care for them because they don't trust them and don't want to have to rely on anyone.
It seems ridiculous to us as adults that only want to help this child, but in their minds no one can be trusted. Everyone has let them down or hurt them, they are better off doing it themselves.
I took a 2 year old swimming once and while she was wearing a life jacket, she was still only two years old and not so great at keeping herself balanced to keep her head above water. She would be ok for a while and then her weight would shift and she'd be thrashing and struggling to stay above. She'd go through this cycle over and over. Each time I would reach out to hold her or help her stay up, she would push me away and say "get away from me". She wouldn't even let me hold on to the strap of her life jacket. Most 2 year olds after dipping their head under water would cling to their parents. It seemed she would rather have struggled and even drowned than let me help her.
Doesn't that picture look a little familiar to us though? I think it seems sometimes like we all suffer from attachment disorder with our God. We have all been in that place in our life where we are struggling to keep our head above water or maybe we feel like we are drowning. Why do we push away the only one who can help us? Maybe it's because some where along the way we believed the lie that God let us down. That he wasn't there for us when we needed him. Maybe we think He hurt us, and we'd be much better off if we didn't have to rely on him but just did it ourselves.
There's two problems there: The first is that they're all lies. He never let you down, He was always there, and He would never ever hurt you. Have you seen a picture of Him lately, up there on the cross? Over the top of all the lies the devil wants you to believe will always be the image of the depth of His love for you. Can you really believe that the one who loved you THAT much ever wanted you to cry a single tear or feel one ounce of pain? How do we forget that as much as we love our own children He loves us even more? My husband and I struggled with this with the deaths of our children. People would often say things like "it must have been God's plan" or "He needed an angel in heaven." I know they were trying to comfort us, but those are the exact things that the devil wants us to think. At the time, I couldn't explain why I couldn't carry a pregnancy and it would have been easy to believe that God was killing my children in my womb because it was "their time". But the thing is, I know my God better than that. Have you ever heard a rumor about your best friend and just laughed at it because it's so far from the truth? You know it because you know that person so well. When you are faced with the tough stuff that you can't explain, cling on to the God that you know. The one who laid down His life for you. The one you know in your heart would never hurt you. And quit listening to the devil, even if he uses your grandma to say it. Try listening to the truth instead:
"Can a mother forget her infant, be without tenderness for the child of her womb? Even should she forget, I will never forget you."Is 49:14-15
The other problem is that just like that 2 year old in 4 feet of water, we can't do it without Him. No matter how much we want to, we were built to need Him. Without Him, we will spend our whole life struggling to stay above water or we will drowned. But if we can look into his heart and see His love for us and allow ourselves to trust Him again, then we can really live.
The beautiful verse of that song is so reassuring to me when I think about myself and when I think about that 2 year old: "Our own belief in you, o Lord, is only a shadow of your faith in us." Our God has faith that she can learn to trust again, and He has faith that we can learn to trust again too.
Lent is starting in two days on Ash Wednesday. What a beautiful opportunity to get to know our God better, spend more time with Him, lay our questions, hurts, heartaches at his feet so that we can truly feel joy when we say "our lives are in your hands".
Being in foster care we've done a lot of learning about attachment disorder. This brief explanation won't do it justice but just a snapshot: Basically humans learn how to trust and develop relationship in their very earliest years of life. As infants they cry when they have needs (hungry, wet, etc), their needs are met (they get fed and changed), therefore they learn to trust their caregivers. As they grow older they learn to give and receive love and that they can count on their caregivers being there for them. When this does not happen, children can suffer from attachment disorder. They learn that their needs won't be met, that they can't trust their caregivers to meet their needs or always be there for them. Therefore they push away anyone who tries to care for them because they don't trust them and don't want to have to rely on anyone.
It seems ridiculous to us as adults that only want to help this child, but in their minds no one can be trusted. Everyone has let them down or hurt them, they are better off doing it themselves.
I took a 2 year old swimming once and while she was wearing a life jacket, she was still only two years old and not so great at keeping herself balanced to keep her head above water. She would be ok for a while and then her weight would shift and she'd be thrashing and struggling to stay above. She'd go through this cycle over and over. Each time I would reach out to hold her or help her stay up, she would push me away and say "get away from me". She wouldn't even let me hold on to the strap of her life jacket. Most 2 year olds after dipping their head under water would cling to their parents. It seemed she would rather have struggled and even drowned than let me help her.
Doesn't that picture look a little familiar to us though? I think it seems sometimes like we all suffer from attachment disorder with our God. We have all been in that place in our life where we are struggling to keep our head above water or maybe we feel like we are drowning. Why do we push away the only one who can help us? Maybe it's because some where along the way we believed the lie that God let us down. That he wasn't there for us when we needed him. Maybe we think He hurt us, and we'd be much better off if we didn't have to rely on him but just did it ourselves.
There's two problems there: The first is that they're all lies. He never let you down, He was always there, and He would never ever hurt you. Have you seen a picture of Him lately, up there on the cross? Over the top of all the lies the devil wants you to believe will always be the image of the depth of His love for you. Can you really believe that the one who loved you THAT much ever wanted you to cry a single tear or feel one ounce of pain? How do we forget that as much as we love our own children He loves us even more? My husband and I struggled with this with the deaths of our children. People would often say things like "it must have been God's plan" or "He needed an angel in heaven." I know they were trying to comfort us, but those are the exact things that the devil wants us to think. At the time, I couldn't explain why I couldn't carry a pregnancy and it would have been easy to believe that God was killing my children in my womb because it was "their time". But the thing is, I know my God better than that. Have you ever heard a rumor about your best friend and just laughed at it because it's so far from the truth? You know it because you know that person so well. When you are faced with the tough stuff that you can't explain, cling on to the God that you know. The one who laid down His life for you. The one you know in your heart would never hurt you. And quit listening to the devil, even if he uses your grandma to say it. Try listening to the truth instead:
"Can a mother forget her infant, be without tenderness for the child of her womb? Even should she forget, I will never forget you."Is 49:14-15
The other problem is that just like that 2 year old in 4 feet of water, we can't do it without Him. No matter how much we want to, we were built to need Him. Without Him, we will spend our whole life struggling to stay above water or we will drowned. But if we can look into his heart and see His love for us and allow ourselves to trust Him again, then we can really live.
The beautiful verse of that song is so reassuring to me when I think about myself and when I think about that 2 year old: "Our own belief in you, o Lord, is only a shadow of your faith in us." Our God has faith that she can learn to trust again, and He has faith that we can learn to trust again too.
Lent is starting in two days on Ash Wednesday. What a beautiful opportunity to get to know our God better, spend more time with Him, lay our questions, hurts, heartaches at his feet so that we can truly feel joy when we say "our lives are in your hands".
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