The Problem with Fitting In

She just got back from a mission trip and was talking to her friends. They asked a few questions and then moved on to other things, ready to put the trip behind them all. But she couldn't do that. Those things that they had moved on to used to be important to her too, but now there was a problem, because she had changed, but her world had not.
He returned from a retreat determined to live out his newfound faith. But no one seemed to be able to match his excitement to share the gospel. His spirit seemed to be met with "slow down" and people that seemed to care more about their work load than authentic service. Enthusiasm turned to frustration.
Or maybe the situation we all relate to: They slowly learned and grew in their faith journey, it didn't seem like a huge life change, but over time they began to feel out of place around their family and friends.


I told a friend a few weeks ago, "to be a Christian means you'll never fit in". Jesus tells us this many times, but one I always remember is "In this world you will have trouble, but take courage, I have conquered the world." Jn 16:33
The truth is, that if you feel like you don't fit in anywhere here, its because this isn't your home.
"if the world has hated you realize it hated me first. If you belonged to the world, the world would love its own; but because you do not belong to the world, and I have chosen you out of the world, the world hates you" Jn 15:18-19
We were made for heaven. If this world never feels quite right, be glad! I am always grateful when God allows me moments of solitude, when no one else in the entire world seems to understand, that I know I belong with Him. It can reorder my priorities in a heartbeat.


Now, here's where this gets more difficult: Even though you don't fit in, you have to try. I don't mean change yourself to be like other people, I mean you still have to be in relationship with people. For a lot of reasons, but most of all these 2: Because they need you and because you need them.


We were created to be in community. God made Adam AND Eve, not just Adam. He literally created us for each other, to be a gift for the other person. We know that people bring us joy and that no one really wants to be alone. We also know that it is through people that we experience the love of God.
Beloved, if God so loved us, we also must love one another. No one has ever seen God. Yet, if we love one another, God remains in us, and his love is brought to perfection in us. 1 Jn 4

They need you too. "We are about bringing people along, not cutting them off" a friend reminded me. It's easy when we get frustrated that people don't seem to be where we want them to be, to want to distance ourselves from them. But remember that God loves them too, and wants them close, and if we can help we should.  I was walking in the trees around our farm with my 5 year old earlier this week and he wanted to be the "leader". We were exploring, and I was instructed to follow him. But he kept trying to lead me underneath very low branches that were pretty easy for him to get through, but almost impossible for me being so much taller. He was upset I wasn't following him since he was, after all, the leader!  I simply taught him, "you can't lead people where they can't go, they won't follow."
A good leader knows the people he is leading and finds a way to get them to the destination in a way that they are able. There are a lot of ways to get to the spot he wanted to go in the grove that don't involve going underneath a branch 2 feet off the ground.
You probably won't convince someone to sell all their belongings and move to Africa in a conversation. But you might be able to share a story about your experience that may begin to open their eyes and slowly change their heart. Bring them along, even if it has to be the long way.
When we get to a certain place, we want everyone to be right there with us, but we forget how long it took, how many specific experiences and encounters that have worked to get us to this place. We have to give them time and THEN we have to trust God that He is already working.


When we were on vacation in Florida, I was so blessed to get to spend the mornings on the beach watching the sunrise as I prayed my morning prayers. It was so quiet and peaceful as only a few others took advantage of that time before the beach became busy. It was also the time of day that a tractor came along raking the sand so it would be nice and smooth for the new day. It was nice to have a newly raked beach, but as I watched him go up and down the beach, I saw a very elaborate sandcastle that someone had built in the middle of the beach the day before. Someone had probably spent hours building it. I wondered if he would go around it, but he stayed right on course and in a matter of seconds he had completely erased any trace of it.


 I have this plan for life to be clean and smooth and pretty like a freshly raked beach, and I often come along and rake it myself. But I would do better to remember, that God is already at work, and I might just smash it in my haste to make things just the way I would like them to be. That's also when I usually discover that it's probably me, not someone else that needs to change. Its not as clean or easy, but it can be very beautiful when I find the way to work together WITH the Spirit to change hearts, especially my own.

When He Doesn't Love Me the Way I Want Him To

Have you ever felt this way? He brings flowers but I just want him to spend more time with the kids. I'm sure the girl next door wishes he would think to bring flowers but he rushes to be home earlier.
I bet you've heard about The 5 Love Languages. If you haven't heard of it, the basic concept is that everyone gives and receives love in one of 5 ways. The book is popular because it helps couples recognize that the way they express their love might not be the way their spouse does, and this can lead to a lot of conflict. For example, if you tend to be the type of person who expresses love most by words you might be confused when your spouse doesn't feel you care about her when you have told her 10 times that day you love her. She instead expresses love through acts of service therefore because you have walked right past the sink full of dirty dishes, stepped over a basket of unfolded laundry and forgot to take out the garbage, she's not feeling the love. She loves you too and shows it in her effort to make sure the coffee was made, lunch was ready when you walked out the door, folded your shirts the way you like them, and cleaned out your car. It's obvious to her that she loves you because she did all those things, but you haven't heard the words in two days and therefore aren't feeling the love either.
It's really helpful in a relationship to know these things about each other so that we can really try to love our spouses in a way that they can really feel loved, making a point to say "I love you" or taking out the trash. The concepts of stepping outside of your own comfort zone and sacrificing to love your spouse are beautiful marks of Theology of the Body and God's true intention for love and marriage.


BUT.....


this doesn't mean that this is the only way my spouse is allowed to love me. It doesn't mean I can say "because this is the way I want you to love me, it's the only way I'll accept love from you." Its a tool to help me love the other better, and maybe recognize where my frustrations come from, but it's not the only way I can be loved.
It's pretty common that couples are complete opposites when it comes to the way they love best. And that's interesting because we typically fall in love with a person before we really know what their "love language" is. They clearly are able to get across to us that they love us early on in the relationship without knowing how we want to be loved and instead loving us the way they do best. It kind of makes me wonder if we might know how we WANT to be loved, but maybe this person actually knows how we NEED to be loved. Maybe that's why we fell in love with them in the first place.
This weekend I was driving home in tears and I realized there's someone else who doesn't always love me the way I want to be loved. The one I love the most, the one who knows me the best, in my mind doesn't always get it right. I was telling Him that point blank as I drove away from a heartbreaking situation that I was sure He should fix. If He loved me after all, He would do this for me.  There I go again, thinking I might know more than the one who created the world.
I always want "out" when it's painful. I want a quick fix, a happy ending. So I want God to love me by giving me what I want. But He always gives me what I need instead. And lots of time it seems more like punishment than blessing.
But once the tears slow, I can usually remind myself just how good and trustworthy and faithful God is. I can usually remember that if I can only endure this trail that He has asked of me, then He will use it too for His good purpose. He will use it to change my heart, to mold me, because clearly there is so much work yet to be done to make my heart like His.
I don't like it. I really wish He would just love me the way I want Him to.  I also really wish my husband would remember to take out the garbage, but the flowers on my counter have made me smile every time I look at them. They were the brightness I needed this dreary week. I know I fell in love with both of them because they love me the way I need to be loved. Now I just have to learn how to just let them love me and see the beauty that is already there.

Do you have Room for Jesus...and His family...and their Donkey...oh and a bunch of Shepherds and 3 Kings?

We just had a great holiday season, two 3 day weekends in a row!! Both weekends for us were really joyful time spent with family and friends. But I keep wondering, "was there room for Jesus at our celebrations?" I can't quite shake those words that are read at Mass each Christmas as they explain why Jesus was born in a manger: "There was no room for them at the inn." Luke 2:7.


I'd like to think that I wouldn't have turned Jesus away. That I would have opened my home and made room. I'd like to think that I would have offered the master suite and stayed in the barn myself so that my king might have a warm place to sleep. But the words keep replaying in my head because I know I probably would have been just like all of them. They had a lot going on I'm sure. They were probably already hosting other family or friends who had also come to town because of the census. Hosting travelers meant feeding them too, and they probably could barely feed their own families. I would like to think that I wouldn't have taken one look at the woman clearly about to give birth and closed my door on the mess and trouble that that would make for me.
The truth is though, that over these "holiday's" there's not one single person I invited to join our family gathering. There wasn't room. There wasn't time. The other guests might be offended or uncomfortable. It might be messy or more intimate than I want to be with a stranger. I want Christmas to be special for my kids, and that might take away my focus on them. There are a lot of reasons, all pretty similar to those who turned the Holy Family down 2000 years ago. We don't blame them, we get it. And yet, we need to learn from it. It's clearly an important lesson since God elevated it by including it in the story of how He entered the world.


For Christmas my kids did a "sacrifice manger" where they put a piece of straw in a pretend manger for Jesus every time they do something kind for another person or make a sacrifice. The goal is to show them how their kindness makes a softer bed for Jesus, and makes Him happy. Being the on-the-ball mom that I am (ha) I had meant to paint this iPhone case to be used as the manger but didn't get it painted so we just started using it as-is. The kids' imaginations didn't have a problem with it, so I never painted it. I stared at it a lot during advent and I thought it actually was the perfect picture as I wondered if there was room in my life for Jesus.

(The "Advent Log" in the background was a gift from a wonderful man named Leo, he sells them on etsy if you're wondering where you can get one yourself, they are beautiful!)

It's not just about inviting others into our homes, it's that Jesus has to be more than just a temporary houseguest or even one who lives permanently in the spare bedroom. He really has to take over our whole house, our whole lives. And a lot of us, most of us, are too busy for that. Is there room in my PHONE for Jesus? Would I give up my phone for Jesus? Because I spend a LOT of time on it. And I don't even do social media anymore. Just texting, making calls, looking up things online, reading an article, its a lot of time.
Would giving up my phone have helped Mary and Joseph find a place to stay? No. The point is that no one had room in their homes, in their lives or in their hearts for Jesus. But He came anyway. Maybe it's time for all of us to make room. To put our phones down and encounter Jesus in the people around us. To use our time more wisely and make better choices with our commitments. Do the things we spend our time on really matter, would they matter if Mary and Joseph were standing outside our door?
Right now, in the state of Minnesota alone, 156 kids are waiting to be adopted. Those are children whose parental rights have already been terminated and have probably been in foster care for at least a year and probably multiple years. That's not including the much larger number of children in foster care right now. Do you have room?
I know, it's probably not a good time, there's probably a lot going on, and the house is crowded already. And I want to be the first to tell you that it won't be easy and isn't for the faint of heart because these children have been through serious trauma and need serious love and help, the kind of love that loves when it's not returned. You won't be just inviting one child into your home but their extended family and a lot of emotional baggage. Jesus came with Mary and Joseph and a donkey and ended up with a bunch of shepherds and 3 Kings too!  But you know the secret from the Christmas story? All of the people whose lives were too full for Mary and Joseph went on with their lives that night and had no idea what they were missing, while the cows and sheep shared a room with God himself. What gifts and miracles and blessings might God reveal to us if we are willing to make room? "Whoever welcomes one child in my name welcomes me." Mt 18:5
I'm not saying that everyone who reads this post should adopt a child. I'm asking you to join me in evaluating how much room in our lives we have for Jesus. Maybe you do have room in your heart, your life and your home for another child, adopted or biological. Maybe you could do some rearranging to have more time for worship. Maybe you could invite another friend into your group, not because you need another friend but because they do. I know, among many things, I could do better to slow down and notice the lonely and offer the conversation and hugs they are missing.
What, or who, might you have room for? You know the answer He's already speaking in your heart, be brave and say "Yes" this time. A miracle just might be waiting.


And here's the link to the kids waiting to be adopted in MN should your heart be leading you there.

Right Where I'm Meant to Be...Waiting

"Most Sacred Heart of Jesus I Trust In You"

Those are the words that have stained my chalkboard.  I spent a considerable amount of time drawing them up there more than 5 months ago, outlining with different colors, accentuating certain words. I usually quickly toss a bible verse or quote up there and it stays for a few days or a week until something else comes across that I want to replace it with. But this phrase I just couldn’t erase.  Maybe it’s because I felt erasing it would mean I didn’t trust God. Maybe it’s because I thought M would come home before I had to erase it. Most likely it’s because I still need the reminder. Some days I believe it and it makes me happy to see it. Other days I doubt and I need to remember that I believed it on the day I wrote it.

Of course I trust God, my whole life has been scene after scene of Him showing me He is trustworthy, and especially when things look bleak. When it’s the darkest has often been when He has chosen to create light. But it’s so easy to get caught in the “waiting place” as Dr. Seuss calls it. When something bad happens and we wait for it to get better. We wait to feel better again. We wait for a new friend or boyfriend to come along. We wait for a new job or a new opportunity. We wait for our pain to heal. And sometimes we get impatient in the waiting. It takes longer than we think it should. And that’s when we start to lose hope. We start to think maybe He isn’t coming. Maybe He won’t calm this storm. Maybe this is too trivial for Him to concern Himself with. Maybe He doesn’t care.

It’s been more than 5 months since I read M a bed time story. It’s been more than 5 months since she ran and giggled through the house. It’s been more than 5 months since she said she was thankful for “mommy” at meal prayer or played hide and seek with Dan. I stared at those words on the chalk board today realizing I never expected to need them for 5 months. I thought it would be better by now. I thought you would heal this situation or heal my pain. But here I am, 5 months later, still figuring out how to navigate each day with one child absent, still waiting for you to step in.

She visited us this weekend. It was such a blessing and incredible joy to hold her and see her smile and giggle and play with her brothers and sister. And yet, it’s so heartbreaking to watch them and know we are saying goodbye in a few hours, to see the hurt in her eyes when I know she’s wondering where I’ve been. How do you grieve someone who is running around laughing in your living room? How does this become the new normal where my daughter lives with someone else? How do I laugh and play with her while my heart is breaking? How do I pull her onto my lap and read books through a cracking voice and fighting back tears?

Life is messy. It doesn’t stay neatly in the lines we’d like to draw where joy begins and sorrow ends. We have this desire for perfection that someday I believe we will experience in heaven. But I’m more and more convinced that learning how to live in the “mess” is what we must do here on earth.

The Sacred Heart of Jesus teaches us that it isn’t a simple waiting time of pain that will be erased as soon as the situation changes or I am given the grace to heal. But that right here in this place is where God needs me to learn how to be. That the Heart of Jesus always feels, at the same moment, an incredible love for us and an incredible sorrow for the pain of losing those He loves and the pain we inflict on each other in the world. The joy of love and the pain caused by sin. The heart of Jesus feels these on such an amazing level. ALL THE TIME. Maybe then, He is calling me to enter into His heart itself. To understand a tiny fraction of the way he loves and hurts all at the same time. To realize that it doesn’t come and go, it’s not something we can wait for it to pass, but that we must learn to live and thrive during.

I caught a short segment of a PBS special the other day where an author was talking about how differently they used to treat the season of Winter. Everything they did on the farm was because of winter. They labored all summer, spring and fall to make sure they had what they needed to survive winter. It forced them to always focus on winter, because if they didn’t, they wouldn’t survive. Because of the way our lives have changed, we have lost this “respect” or focus on winter. Our lives aren’t ordered to it, it’s simply something we endure or get through for a few months.

What if we are missing something? What if the very season that we hope to just quickly pass through, is in fact the most important one we are meant to live? What if the mess, the suffering, the heartbreak, the most unthinkable pain and loss are really the main events that God is using to change our hearts?  

And if so, if suffering is my focus, then I must re-order my life to prepare for it. Because it’s probably not what will physically happen to me in suffering that will be the end of me, but instead whether or not my soul is conditioned for the elements.

“Most Sacred Heart of Jesus I trust in You”. I wrote those words on the chalkboard 5 months ago. A few weeks ago I decided it was time to erase them to put up a new phrase. I washed the board with a wet cloth and left the room while I waited for it to dry. When I returned, the words were still there. They had been up there so long they had penetrated the board and couldn’t be easily erased.

 

We must learn, and grow and develop our faith, as desperately as those storing food for winter. We must etch into our souls our trust and love and faith in Jesus so when life gets difficult our hearts are ready, and we can not only survive but really LIVE in the mess, where nothing can erase our trust in God.

 

The Worst Thing to Do...Nothing

I recently heard a recording of Dr. Edward Sri speaking about the role of Pilate in the gospel. He highlighted that the gospels are very specific in noting that Pilate did not believe that Jesus was guilty and he did not want to crucify him, but because of his fear of the crowds, he allowed it. He had it completely within his power to save Jesus, but he did nothing. He looked out for his own interests at the expense of another.
I admit, there have been times I have heard the gospel story and even felt sorry for Pilate, the poor guy just trying to do his job and not cause trouble, and now for eternity his name is being drug through the mud as the man who crucified Jesus, even though he wanted nothing to do with it. It was the Jewish people who wanted Jesus dead, and yet, not one of their names is mentioned in the bible. But Pilates name is mentioned many, many times. Actually, we remember his sin every Sunday when we recite the creed at Mass..."[Jesus was] crucified by Pontius Pilate, suffered, died and was buried." Why is there so much focus on this man who never lifted a finger to hurt Jesus?


Because he did nothing.


We can see from the way his sin is highlighted in the gospels and in the church that this is one of the worst things we can ever do.


But this is all of our struggle. We see injustice every day, and we do nothing. We see friends and family living outside of the faith and struggling and we are silent. We see neighbors children neglected and we close the curtains. We see news stories that tear at our hearts, and our solution is to turn off the TV.


The story of Pilate was meant to be a message to us: if you have the power to do something, you must!


He is held responsible for the blood of Jesus, even though he "washed his hands of it". He is blamed for crucifying Jesus even though he never swung the hammer. He did nothing.


This message hits us hard doesn't it? Because we know it's true, and we know we are guilty.


There's a place in this where I told my friends last night that my heart gets tangled up: When to pray and give something over into God's hands and when to act. I thought todays first reading was a good answer, basically to pray AND speak if the spirit moves.


"With all prayer and supplication,
pray at every opportunity in the Spirit.
To that end, be watchful with all perseverance and supplication
for all the holy ones and also for me,
that speech may be given me to open my mouth,
to make known with boldness the mystery of the Gospel
for which I am an ambassador in chains,
so that I may have the courage to speak as I must." Eph 6:18-20


I think often we can easily "do nothing" by saying we will pray about something. It's such an easy answer and makes us feel like we are doing something. A good friend reminded me early on in ministry, "if you are going to tell someone you are praying for them, then you better make sure you are following through!" How often do we tell people we will pray and then actually pray? And how often is our prayer "Holy Spirit please guide me to know how you would like to use me to help in this situation."
Don't misunderstand, prayer is powerful and important, we must invite the Holy Spirit to move. But if we are using it as an excuse to do nothing, we are missing the purpose. Instead prayer is where we start, and find our strength, and maybe the spirit will direct us that prayer is all He is wanting from us. Maybe though, there is something that we are being called to do as the spirit leads us and gives us courage and strength. You'll notice the early church writings are full of a lot of prayer but also a lot of action as the Spirit used people to spread the gospel, heal and drive out evil. They didn't gloss over real problems by simply saying "I'll pray about it" and then going on about their lives.


I believe there is a delicate balance in the place where we offer things out of our control to God and where we act on things we can control where we feel called, rooted deeply in prayer. I feel I am still in the process of learning this balance and gaining the peace that comes in finding it.


This week it seems the sky is falling, there has been a lot of heartbreak in the world of a lot of people close to me. The presidential election and future of our country looks bleak and no one knows what to do with their vote. Genocide is happening again in another country. Here in America we are killing our own children. And we are too busy to stop to think about any of it much less do something about it. I suspect Pilate was quite busy too.
This week and this election are red flags that we need to stop "doing nothing" because the devil is doing something. I'll leave you with the first part of the Eph. reading from today, I pray that it encourages you on your journey, no matter what you are doing:


Brothers and sisters:
Draw your strength from the Lord and from his mighty power.
Put on the armor of God so that you may be able to stand firm
against the tactics of the Devil.
For our struggle is not with flesh and blood
but with the principalities, with the powers,
with the world rulers of this present darkness,
with the evil spirits in the heavens.
Therefore, put on the armor of God,
that you may be able to resist on the evil day
and, having done everything, to hold your ground.
So stand fast with your loins girded in truth,
clothed with righteousness as a breastplate,
and your feet shod in readiness for the Gospel of peace.
In all circumstances, hold faith as a shield,
to quench all the flaming arrows of the Evil One.
And take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit,
which is the word of God. Eph 6:10-17

I Must be Doing This Wrong

"I must be doing it wrong, because other people seem to do this so much better, so much more gracefully, and with so much more joy." That's a summary of what I told a friend recently as we discussed the struggles of parenting as she nodded in agreement. It was reassuring to know I wasn't the only one that felt this way, but I think we both were hoping the other might have the secret that those other mom's who seem to have it all together must know. You know, the ones whose kids actually LOOK and smile when they're taking their photo...
Don't get me wrong, I LOVE my kids. I appreciate and understand the GIFT that they are. I know that through the love of my husband and I, the addition of them into our family is a mirror image of the Trinity, where the love between God and Jesus creates the Holy Spirit. I know that just like the lines of a song they are "my heaven" here on earth, my family is a glimpse (imperfect of course) of the unconditional love and joy I'll experience someday in union with Jesus and the whole church.
But lets be honest, a lot of days come up quite a bit short of looking like heaven in this house. A lot of days the toddlers have short naps and cry more than smile. On those days, I'm not the mom I always thought I would be. I'm the cranky mom who speaks too harshly to her precious "gifts" (read between the lines...I yell; pre-kid me would be horrified...5 years experienced me still is). I'm the annoyed mom who has prioritized some other task over playing and lets it ruin the day when it doesn't get done. Some days, I'm just the mom stuck in the rut of every day being the same and not sure how to break out of it. Sure there are a lot of great moments and lots of great days that I do sit back and marvel at this gift of "heaven on earth" that I am allowed to live. But its those bad days that don't sit well with me. They fall so far short of the person I know I am called to be.
I look into the eyes of my tiny people, and I know they deserve better. But there is this grand-canyon-size gap between the mom and wife I want to be and the one I am on my worst day, or even my best. And it seems no matter how hard I try I can't make the leap to the other side. My patience, forgiveness, gentleness, and unconditional love all seem to run out. Sins that I thought I had long put behind me pull me down once more, and sins I never knew I had come to the surface magnified times ten. Parenting isn't the only thing that brings this out in us. Stress at work, disagreements in families, feeling judged or unloved seems to push us to the worst version of ourselves. We often feel like we must be doing something wrong in life when we hit those moments.
My conversation with my friend left me pondering that day just what exactly it could be that we were "doing wrong". As I prepared for an upcoming confirmation retreat I was leading, the answer hit me right in the face.
"Beloved: I remind you, to stir into flame
the gift of God that you have through the imposition of my hands.
For God did not give us a spirit of cowardice
but rather of power and love and self-control.
So do not be ashamed of your testimony to our Lord,
nor of me, a prisoner for his sake;
but bear your share of hardship for the gospel
with the strength that comes from God." 2 Tim 1:6-8


I don't know why I need so many reminders. I seem to figure this out every few months and then forget again. The Holy Spirit. That is the secret that's not really a secret. The bible shouts it to us over and over again, "our advocate", "our helper", "our reminder of the truth".
When I worked as a youth minister and encountered students every day who needed to experience, in me, the love of Christ, I prayed desperately for the spirit to guide my words and actions. I prayed desperately that they would see Christ and not me.
Now, when I prepare to speak at events or lead a retreat I spend hours in prayer, completely relying on the Holy Spirit to work through me. Because truthfully, I'm terrible on my own. Its incredible to see the difference between when I practice a speech to when I give it with the grace of the Holy Spirit. On my own, I fall short. The ingredients are there, but it just doesn't come together right. I have always known that I am nothing but an unqualified mess of a person who desperately needs the Holy Spirit to share the gospel with others.
The problem, is that for some reason I think I can do parenting on my own. I must have thought I had the right gifts or talents? Or figured that's the way everyone else does it so it should work for me? Or maybe it's because it's every day and every waking minute instead of a work day or a one hour speech?
But I realized as I prayed desperately for the Holy Spirit to help me with the retreat, that this is what I have been doing wrong. I have not been praying for the Holy Spirit to help me share the love of Christ with these tiny people. I think we assume it should come naturally to love our children. It comes naturally to have affection for them, but the love that they require, a selfless, lifegiving, completely sacrificial, unconditional love that imitates the love of Jesus is just not possible for the average sinful person without the working of the Holy Spirit. It's ridiculous really that I have neglected to ask for the help of the Holy Spirit for the most important job I have ever had. It's ridiculous that I have spent 5 hours in prayer to the Holy Spirit to give a one hour speech and don't spend even a few minutes for a full 24 hours that I spend each day wanting to share Jesus with the hearts that are the most dear to me.
I love all of the hearts I encounter and I want each one to know the truth, to know the incredible way God loves them. But these hearts that live in my home have been especially entrusted to me. It's my job to make sure they know the love of Jesus, and the only way I can possibly do that is to get out of the way and allow the Holy Spirit to love them through me in a way I never will be able to myself. And in order to do this, I have to pray desperately. Because the Spirit won't take over my free will, He has to be invited to move.


Its a beautiful gift He gave us.
"And I will ask the Father and he will give you another Advocate, to be with you forever. This is the spirit of truth, whom the world cannot receive because it neither sees him or knows him. You know him, because he abides in you and he will be in you. I will not leave you orphaned; I am coming to you." Jn 14:16-18


I will not leave you orphaned.


Come Holy Spirit, fill the hearts of your faithful and enkindle in them the fire of your love.
Send forth your Spirit, and they shall be created, and you shall renew the face of the earth.
Oh God, who instructs the hearts of the faithful, grant that by the same Spirit, we may become truly wise and ever rejoice in his consolations, through the same Christ our Lord. Amen.


I'm praying this prayer often. I'm breathing in "Come Holy Spirit" as I take sips of coffee. I'm relying on Him for every toddler tantrum, every time the baby empties a basket of folded laundry, and every time the five year old is stubborn. I'm remembering often that I really can't do this on my own and remembering always that the Holy Spirit does it so incredibly better, and with peace and joy.


Come Holy Spirit!

I'm Still Watching the Clock

Dear Nathaniel,
Today was your second day of Kindergarten. You didn't want to go. You had fun yesterday, but "it was too long" you said. "Tell me about it" I wanted to reply. You see, when we kissed you goodbye and you walked out the door your brother pointed and begged to go with you, and when I said you were going to school and he had to stay home, his eyes told his story of devastation and he cried his biggest, saddest sobs. I cried right along with him. Because we both knew it would be too long before you were back. He missed his hero and best buddy and I missed a piece of my own heart.
I watched the clock all day. I prayed through the time you were getting to the school and into your classroom. I prayed when playing blocks with your brother and sister because your absence was so noticeable. I prayed when I knew you would be going to lunch because I know new places with a lot of people are very scary for you.  I prayed a lot in the early afternoon hours because I knew the day would start getting long for you. I watched the clock often as the day was getting long for me without you too. I prayed unceasingly when the dismissal time came and I knew you were getting on the school bus for the very first time. I prayed your whole hour bus ride home. I watched the clock all day waiting for you to come back to me. And when you stepped off the bus with a smile I prayed a prayer of thanksgiving.
The truth is, I really don't want to send you to school. I really want you to stay home with me every day. So when you look at me and tell me you don't want to go, trust me, I don't want you to either. Your entire 5 years of life I've been battling to keep you with me, watching the clock whenever you were gone until you would come back home, when all would be right in my world again.


We were bringing you home from Pierre in an April icestorm navigating slushy roads when you were one month old. I road in the back with you because I was sure if I couldn't see you you would stop breathing. I watched the minutes tick by on the digital clock on the dash, praying you would stay sleeping another half hour before we could stop. I desperately wished time would go faster so we could be safely home. You were a great traveler (first and ONLY time) , you woke up to eat and be changed and went back to sleep as soon as we got on the road and slept all the way home. When we got home, Dan held you in his recliner and you slept a very long time. I kept watching the clock, telling him to let you wake up so you would sleep at night, but he just couldn't put you down.


It was 3 am. We hadn't really slept all night because you hated your crib and woke up every time we put you in it. We both looked desperately at the clock and then decided to let you sleep in the swing if that would do the trick. We finally all drifted off to sleep at 4.


5 pm never came soon enough so I could pick you up from daycare. When someone walked in at 4:55 with a problem I tried not to let my sadness show. A year ago I would have been thrilled to solve it and enjoyed the challenge. Now I just wanted to pick you up, the day had been too long to be apart.

It was 2 am, you were 5 months old, the date quickly approaching when you were supposed to leave us to go live with your birth-mom. I was so glad you woke up, so that I could hold you and spend more time with you. There were a lot of nights I wished for sleep, but lately I treasured this sacred nighttime hour with you, with a bottle and rocking chair. I soaked in every breath, every sound. I remembered how quiet the house, our life, used to be before you. I never hated sleeping all night more. I watched the minutes tick by knowing they were going too fast. Knowing the day was coming when you wouldn't wake me at 2 am anymore, when I wouldn't be there to answer your cries.


24 hours. That's the time we got to say goodbye to you. Six months you had lived with us, but you weren't just a roommate. You were a part of us. How do you say goodbye in 24 hours? We played all day. We left the room to cry. We tried to memorize every tiny touch, every hug, every movement. We watched the hours tick by, each one bringing us closer to our worst nightmare. The time came, we had to put you in the car. The car had always been a safe place and always brought you somewhere safe and then back home, but this time was different. It felt like a lie buckling you in. This time I couldn't promise you'd be safe. I couldn't promise you'd come back home.


5 days you were gone before you could come back and visit. I watched the clock all week, wondering what you were doing at that moment, wondering if you were ok, wondering if you were missing us. I prayed you wouldn't be sad and that you were being taken care of. I prayed I would figure out how to live without you, without the constant worry tearing me apart.


When the call came to come pick you up, time stood still. I left work and rushed down to get you, the hour drive an agony knowing once I get there I could hold you in my arms and bring you HOME.


We watched the clock as your months turn into years and we treasured every one individually as a gift of one more day, one more month, one more year with you. We had no promise of the next year.


This May, when you were five years old, we were at the courthouse with all of our family and friends, and I watched seconds pass as time slowed and we waited for our turn. Five years of anticipation builds up a lot of anxiety. But our turn came and then it went quickly and before I knew it, the judge was announcing your adoption official. Five years of worry slipped off my shoulders and fell to the floor like I tossed off a heavy winter coat.


Today, you went back to school for the second LONG day. I still watched the clock all day. I still counted the hours and then minutes that you would come back home. I still breathed easier knowing you were ok when you got off that yellow bus.


I know I'm the crazy mom who can't let go of her child and I know I worry too much. Maybe the difference is that I HAD to let go of you once, and it was horrible. Maybe the difference is that I treasure every moment because I had to find out what the moments were like without you. Maybe I don't trust that anyone else loves you the way that I do. And maybe most of all I know that even a court document can't guarantee me another day with you. So I want all of this day, not just the last few hours.


The good news, is that Jesus doesn't promise us tomorrow, but He does promise us eternity. Eternity with you sounds so incredible. This is why we have nothing to fear. Because being separated is really our ultimate fear. The thing that causes us the most pain. But because of Jesus we will never be separated forever. So until then, I'll keep watching the clock while you're away from me. And I'll keep watching the clock while we both wait for heaven, anxiously awaiting the day when I'm not watching the clock anymore.
And I'm sorry buddy, Daddy says you have to go to school tomorrow.