Keep Making Me...The Lesson it took 30 years to Learn (Includes Samuel's Story)

Today is my 30th birthday. My friends and family know I haven't been looking forward to this day since I turned 29. I've always been a kid-at-heart and really enjoyed my youth. Each year, I feel less able to connect with the youth I minister to. I notice my body struggle more to do the things that used to be so easy. It's tough getting older, (and yes, my dear older friends, I can just picture you're eyes rolling as you read this). I know 30 isn't OLD and that I should be enjoying it, and I am. But it's inevitable that a milestone birthday makes you stop and evaluate your life. I'm sure I'm not the only one who at the age of 30 has thought "I thought by the age of 30 I would have _____________". The answers to that are endless, but for me I started thinking about what I used to think my life would be like, and what it is now. And I thought it a fitting time to finally tell you the story of how Samuel came to be in our family.

Most people that know us know that I suffer from recurrent pregnancy loss which has resulted in the loss of every child we have conceived. Over the first 5 years of our marriage we lost 5 children, one each year. It wasn't easy for me to get pregnant, and the first 3 years we were actively trying, even working with medical intervention. But what we haven't shared with many, is in 2014 we lost 3 more children. Something clearly changed in my body that made it easier for me to get pregnant, but unfortunately did not change my ability to sustain the pregnancy. The first pregnancy wasn't a shock, but the second and then the third were hard to handle. There's a physical toll on my body, but its the emotional one that makes 3 pregnancies in a span of 6 months so difficult. There's hope and then feeling stupid for hoping, there's constant worry that I stood up too fast, was too active, too stressed or did something else to jeopardize the pregnancy. Any expectant mom knows, it doesn't matter how many doctors tell you there's nothing you can do, you always feel like you need control, so you control what you can, like moving and eating. Because the worst feeling of all, the one that consumes me when I am pregnant, is that I am simply waiting for my child to die, and there's absolutely nothing I can do. In my opinion, there is no greater pain in the entire world, except watching your child suffer while you can do nothing to stop it. In experiencing these two things I have learned on a deeper level about the love my God has for me, because He did both for me, and He CHOSE it. He could have done something about it, but He didn't, for me.

You'll often hear me reference that it has been in the darkest times in my life that I have felt the closest to God, and also those times when I have grown in holiness. With my first miscarriages, while I can look back and realize this, I didn't see or feel it at the time, and I was very hurt, bitter and angry. Through a lot of spiritual growth, my pregnancies are less painful in the spiritual sense because I know my God is with me and giving me the strength to get through it. I know He isn't punishing me or taking my children from me, and I know that He is using my hurts and brokenness to bring about something greater. Knowing all of these things allows me to just try to enjoy that for a short time I get the gift of this beautiful life, this miracle, living inside of me. I soak up the closeness I feel to Jesus as He draws near to comfort me during a difficult time. But even though anger and bitterness are gone, grief over the loss of my child always remains.

When I found myself pregnant for the 8th time, I found myself in a special prayer where I asked God to save this child, and He replied gently: "your plan or Mine?" I knew He was right, so even though it broke my heart, I didn't ask Him to go against His plan and save my child, instead I asked Him to comfort me.

Three weeks later, on July 10th, baby Augie went to heaven. No amount of understanding makes that part easier. I can't explain the pain of holding your lifeless child in the palm of your hand. From my first to my eighth, they have each equally hurt and caused a pain to the depth of my very soul. God's gift to me, is in the midst of that pain, He meets me. He doesn't take away the pain, but He gives me what I need to handle it. And in those darkest, most horrible moments He has changed my heart and allowed me to know Him on a deeper level and for that reason alone, I am grateful for my suffering. I won't ask that it be taken, and I will embrace any new pain, because it draws me nearer to Him, and to be near to Him is what I was made for and all I truly desire, whether I realize it at the time or not.

God isn't just using this pain to help me grow in holiness, He's also using it to bring about His magnificent plan. A lot of doctors visits ended with a surgery drug out 3 weeks after Augie was born. After a lot of prayer, and at one specific Mass, my husband and I both felt God telling us that He was going to grow our family through adoption. We had been hoping to adopt over the last year, but were still waiting. And then, the phone rang. Home recovering from the surgery on July 31st, I received a phone call from our Social Worker telling us about a potential foster care placement that would most likely lead to adoption. The baby wasn't even born yet, and the birth parents were willing place the baby for adoption if they were happy with the foster family chosen. "Would we be interested?" It's hard not to laugh at that question, or scream at the top of my lungs "OF COURSE!" After a little more information from another social worker, we arranged a meeting with the birth mother. I've never wanted anyone to like me so badly in my whole life! Luckily, we instantly connected. I'd always heard that there is a special connection with a birth parent, but never understood until then. We truly love her and could easily be good friends.

*Killing time before meeting Samuel's birthmom because we got there like an hour and a half early. Can you tell we were excited and nervous!?

The baby was due at the end of the week, and we went home and waited for the phone call. Finally, after the longest week of my life, they scheduled her to be induced after going over her due date. We were blessed to be there for the entire labor and delivery where I grew to love this woman even more. After spending 9 months giving her body for this child, now she suffered such pain for a child she would not keep. I watched her and I felt so helpless. Wanting so badly to take away her pain, not knowing the right words to say, and feeling guilty because this should be my pain and not hers. But all I could do was pray. And when she held that beautiful baby in her arms and told him how much she loved him as she handed him to me, my heart couldn't contain the sorrow and joy that I was experiencing. Sorrow again in the helpless feeling of wanting to ease her pain, and joy in seeing the beauty of God's plan. Just a month ago, I handed my child over to Him, and as always, my God is trustworthy and has turned my sorrow to dancing. I know He will do the same for Samuel's birth mom who offered the same trust in Him as she handed her child over.

We named him Samuel, because it means "asked of God" (Go read the book of 1 Samuel) Hannah is barren and prays for a child and God grants her request. What we liked the most was this line: "For this child I prayed and the Lord has granted my petition. Therefore, for as long as he lives, he is given to the Lord." 1 Samuel 27-28 After years of praying and waiting for a child, Hannah wouldn't have been blamed for having held tight to her precious gift, but instead she takes him to live with Eli to serve God. Our Samuel is my child, and he is his birth mom's child, but most of all He is God's, and therefore, he has always been given to God, but it was especially special at his baptism to make our promise official.

Photo credit of the two above to my AMAZINGLY talented and wondeful friend Ashley Stoel

For the last 7 months, our hearts have overflowed with the joy in bringing Samuel home and settling in to our family of four. Nathaniel loves being a big brother and I would argue he's the best one I've ever met, constantly giving sweet kisses, offering a toy or kind word when he's crying, and doing anything that will make him laugh. We are so so happy. And yet, here I am on my 30th birthday writing a post about 30 not being what I expected. Yes, it's not what I expected. Not at all what I envisioned or planned or even strove toward.  I learned a long time ago that God's plan is so much better than mine. But the lesson it took 30 years to learn and will probably take 30 more to master is that it really isn't the things that happen in life that are important, but instead that I allow those things to bring me closer to Him. Instead of thinking "I thought by the age of 30 I would have more kids" or "I thought by 30 I would have been farther along in my professional career" I should instead be saying "I never thought by the time I would 30 I would know God this intimately." I should be saying "By the time I'm 40 I want to be so connected to His love, His presence, His will, that's its hard to tell the difference between where I end and He begins." And if it takes 30 more years of suffering and pain to make that happen, I'll gladly walk that road, because the company is like none other.

I feel like the song "Keep Making Me" by Sidewalk Prophets says the same thing I just did but so much better. Take some time to pray it, especially during lent when we strip everything else away so we can see what really matters. Here are the lyrics:

Make me broken
So I can be healed
‘Cause I’m so calloused
And now I can’t feel
I want to run to You
With heart wide open
Make me broken

Make me empty
So I can be filled
‘Cause I’m still holding
Onto my will
And I’m completed
When you are with me
Make me empty

[Chorus:]
‘Til You are my one desire
‘Til You are my one true love
‘Til You are my breath, my everything
Lord, please keep making me

Make me lonely
So I can be Yours
‘Til I want no one
More than You, Lord
‘Cause in the darkness
I know You will hold me
Make me lonely

It's HOW you Say It

This is scary. For the first time ever I am starting to type with absolutely no idea how this is going to end. In my earliest writing years my High School English teachers taught me the importance of an outline before you being to write. It's to easy to lose focus, or jump around and not make any sense if you write without a plan. Not that I typically write out an outline before each blog post, but I do generally know the theme or point I'm trying to make before I start to write. Just like other posts, this topic has been brewing in my mind for a while, the problem is, I'm still not sure what the solution is. Or maybe what the lesson I need to learn yet is? But I'm feeling called to write about it, so praying, God, that you teach me while we go here.
You see, I'm struggling with the way evil works within our church. I love the Catholic Church and the beautiful gifts the church has to offer. I believe none of us would know about Christ if it weren't for organized religion. I also believe our God knows that we need each other, we need structure, and we need guidance. I could go on and on for the reasons I know that we need the global church. BUT, a church made up of sinful people is a scary thing, because it means that within such a beautiful thing is also a lot of ugly. I have been blessed in my working with and for the church to see church in it's most glorious forms: reaching out and serving as the body of Christ, lifting our voices to heaven in unison, healing, teaching, bringing hearts closer to Christ. But I have also seen it at it's worst. Pride, anger, jealousy, gossip, selfishness....I've often said there is more conflict than ever when it comes to things concerning the church because when someone passionately believes they are doing the work of Christ they will often stop at nothing to follow through. Sadly, that often can mean they are blind to the hurt they are causing as they focus on their end goal. Do bad people work in the church? Probably. (although, that brings up a whole other topic of "is anyone truly "bad") So its probably safer to say, there are most likely people working for the church for the wrong reasons. But most of time, there are well intentioned people who have just let a sin that they struggle with get in the way of doing the work of God, and they don't see it because they see that they are doing the work of God they think they're supposed to be doing.
So, what's the answer then, because it's this dysfunction in church that causes so many people to run the other direction. The smallest conflict or the really big ones can feel so completely opposite of the real true love we are seeking when we seek out church, it's easy to want to distance ourselves from it. I'm often tempted to throw in the towel, despite my intense love for the Catholic Church and my church family. And I find myself thinking, if I am this tempted to give up the fight, then what can I say to those on the edges, to keep them from walking away too?
Recently, we've been talking a lot about how you say things. As we discipline our kids, as we argue with our spouses, that the actual words you say are so much less important as the WAY that you say them. You can say the exact same phrases, but say them with love and they are 100 times more effective. We always want our kids to know that we love them, even when they make the worst decisions. Just like we always want our spouses to know we love them, even when we completely disagree on an important issue. Because once there is fear that love isn't there anymore, whatever the real issue was is no longer being worked on. Instead, fear and hurt take center stage. They'll be no communicating your point after that, you now need to earn back their trust before you can go any further.
I know when I find myself in the midst of the "ugly" of church, there's a reason the words "Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things" 1 Cor 13:7 have been echoing in my mind. Love is the only answer. If we want church to work, we have to step aside and just love. That means we have to admit that "our way" isn't the "only way" and that it's more important to speak words of love than to be right. Can I still disagree? Yes, but I have to do it with love. And just like in my marriage I have to pick my battles, realize I'm not the only one this is about, and be willing to change as much as I'm asking someone else to.
I can easily look back in my life and see where my focus on the end result caused me to completely miss the opportunities God was giving me to love someone. As my faith matures, I know no matter how important I deem the fight for Christ, never does it justify the hurt of another person. If I can ask myself, "am I acting with kindness and love?" and the answer is "no" then I have to step back. Because then, I've become the problem with church. 
"Love is patient, love is kind; love is not envious or boastful or arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice in wrongdoing, but rejoices in the truth." 1 Cor 13:4-6.
I know, it probably seems like whatever issues you are facing are too big for this to work. That's kind of how I felt this morning. Discouraged. I'm only one person and I feel called to a problem that's so much bigger than I am. How can a tiny bit of love possibly fix it? Because this morning he showed me that a tiny bit of love is all He needs to work with:

My 4 year old son really wanted to blow bubbles. Since there was a snowstorm going outside and since I'm running for mom-of-the-year :) I decided we'd give it a try in the bathroom. It's multi-tasking because then once the suds get all over the floor, I'll wipe it up and ...ta-da! Clean floors! Anyway, we had fun blowing bubbles in the bathroom but I noticed quickly that the fun was short lived with each bubble as gravity quickly pulled them down to pop on the ground. Inside, in this enclosed bathroom, without the gentle breeze to take them up into the air, they fall as soon as they begin. Just like our efforts when we try to do it on our own. Without the Holy Spirit, we fail as soon as we start. But ask Him to enter in, and He takes us farther than we'd ever imagined possible.

God, I know you care more than we do about your church and about the people the church serves. Bless our work. Help us see when we are hurting instead of helping. Above all, help us to love in every situation, that truly we can share the light of Christ.

P.S. that was pretty awesome watching you pull that blog post together. You are good. :)

*A little disclaimer: While this post was spurred by a recent church meeting I attended, it's the result of many conversations and experiences over multiple years and not that meeting. If you would, please join me praying for our church community as we face some changes and work to better carry out the mission of the gospel. I'd love to pray for your church as well if you share the name in the comments.

Adopted through Christ

This Lent is extra special to me, because it started the day after our son Samuel's adoption day. I've been anxiously awaiting the day when I can share his photos with all of our friends and family. But it's interesting, as the day came and went, I realized that I wasn't as emotional as I thought I would be about it. I've heard so many stories about adoption days being a very big deal and expected to feel the same elation, but it really felt like just another day. I guess, to me, Samuel has been my son since the very minute I saw him. Holding him in my arms just solidified it. After we brought him home from the hospital, there were so few doubts that his birth mom or the social workers would change their mind, I was able to just let myself fall completely in love with him. So, honestly, it's a little odd going to court for them to say he's mine now when he's always been mine.
Now that it's "official" we are able to present him for baptism. And as we prepare for that event this Sunday, everywhere God has been reminding me that Lent is all about baptism. One of the things I love so much about our Catholic faith is that we believe we spend our whole lives continually committing ourselves to Christ. It's a great feeling, baptism. Knowing you love this God so much you are willing to give Him the only give of value that you have: yourself. Giving all, the good, the bad, the ugly no one else knows. And meeting Him in the grace that gives us the life we crave. Most of all, staying focused on the destination: union with Him in Heaven. No, we don't re-baptize ourselves, but think of the power of my commitment if each time I dip my fingers into the holy water and mark myself with the cross it is an outward sign of my hearts commitment: "this body belongs to Christ". When I genuflect before the blessed sacrament, how beautiful if each time my knee hits the floor my soul cries "I am yours, use me as you wish."
As we finalized my sons adoption and moved into Lent I understood again on a deeper level the love He has for us as well as my own worth.

"In love he destined us for adoption to himself through Jesus Christ, in accord with the favor of his will..."Eph 1:5

At the court hearing, the judge asked us if Samuel had any property or major real estate. Of course this was followed by some laughter. He's only 6 months old. In terms of money or net worth, he has nothing. They want to make sure we aren't just adopting him to "cash in" I guess. And as the verse rang in my head over and over that we were "adopted through Christ" I couldn't help but stand in awe of His great love. As a sinful person, I have nothing of worth to God to offer Him, but yet He still adopts me.
The judge went on to remind us that Samuel will be considered our child just as if we have given birth to him. Therefore, should we die, everything we have is his. That's what adoption in Christ means. That everything He has is ours. He offers me His grace in the sacrament of baptism, and over and over again in the other sacraments. But even more, He offers me his Kingdom.
This is where it gets hard, because truthfully, I don't deserve it. But that's the thing, it wasn't my choice for it to be given to me, it was a gift, freely given. But it is up to me to accept it. To Him, in terms of glory and power, I am a baby, I have nothing to offer. But the good news is that just like we didn't adopt Samuel for his real estate, He didn't adopt us for what we have to offer. He adopted us because WE are the value. We walked out of the courtroom the richest people in the world and for once, I saw when I looked at Samuel what God sees when He looks at me. If only I can hold on to that moment for the rest of my life. His gift to me is so enormous I can't wrap my head around it, but as I stare in the eyes of my beautiful adopted son, I finally feel worthy of it. And I know, that the only possible response to a gift that large, is the greatest one I have to give in return: the gift of myself.
Maybe it's been a long time since your baptism, maybe it's brand new, or maybe you've been waiting to take the plunge. No matter which, sit with Him, seek Him out in prayer, in service, any way you can this Lent, until you see it too: your worth. And then, wrap yourself in the comfort that even before it was "official" you were His all along.



*Stay tuned for Samuel's adoption story. I've been waiting 6 months to share it, but a couple more days won't hurt. :)

Faith Like Abraham

If you haven't already, please go read the daily Mass readings for today. You can see them here: http://www.usccb.org/bible/readings/013115.cfm

They are so good. I love how our church makes it so easy for us to read the bible by matching up old testament readings with the gospels that make them make so much sense. Both readings today on their own do a great job of teaching us about faith, but together, it really hits home.

I don't know about you, but I seem to bounce back and forth in my belief without often realizing it. It's not that I ever stop believing in God, but maybe just slowly start to forget just how GOOD He is, or just how much He cares for me and has a great plan for my life. You know, one moment something amazing happens and you believe, or you're waiting on something great and you just KNOW, no matter what, that God's going to come through. But then there are the times that we get discouraged, maybe pessimistic and we entertain thoughts that God's not in control of this situation, or let ourselves believe He's not concerned with it. Or maybe we just kind of forget to include Him in the mix at all, doing it on our own, going our own way without realizing that means we're not following Him.

Today, this story of Abraham was God's wake up call to me about just where my faith is at. What an amazing man who believed what God promised, even when it seemed impossible. How hard is it for me to often believe things that don't even seem that difficult? Why did he believe? Simply: "he thought that the one who had made the promise was trustworthy." Heb 11
God, give me faith like Abraham, and help me remember just how trustworthy you are.

And then, as if Abraham doesn't make me look bad enough, speaking of the descendants of Abraham it says :
"All these died in faith.
They did not receive what had been promised
but saw it and greeted it from afar and acknowledged themselves to be strangers and aliens on earth,
for those who speak thus show that they are seeking a homeland.
If they had been thinking of the land from which they had come,
they would have had opportunity to return.
But now they desire a better homeland, a heavenly one.
Therefore, God is not ashamed to be called their God,
for he has prepared a city for them."
They did not receive what had been promised... God, give me faith like these holy people, who never gave up on you. Even when they met death without having received their promise, they knew their God enough to know he was trustworthy. And they knew Him enough to desire a heavenly homeland more than an earthly one. Just like Jesus, who met death before receiving His promise.

God's timing is a tricky thing. We often must wait for God's promises to us. Usually not nearly as long as many of the Saints did, but they never come as quickly as we'd like them to. That's when I have to really draw closer to Him, because the more I know His heart, the more I know just how trustworthy it is, and I can confidently trust in His timing.

Then, I have to acknowledge that striving to obtain the faith that God asks of me will be an endless task on this earth. Even as the disciples are in the boat with Jesus, they lose faith. I'm sure I'll have so many more ups and downs along the way, but if I keep Jesus in my boat, even if my faith is to falter, surely He'll be there to get me back on track and reassure me that "the one who made the promise is trustworthy."

God, give me faith like Abraham. Jesus, give me faith like yours. Holy Spirit, quiet my heart as I wait.

Winter Won't Last Forever, I Promise

It's been spring-like here in Minnesota the past few days. An odd thing for us for January. We are used to temperatures well below zero many days, cold winds, blowing snow and a blanket of white covering everything you can see. Of course, even though that's the "norm," we know in Minnesota that our weather can often be quite outside the norm. So, it's thawing. We've had 40 degree temperatures, sunshine and rain. The snow has mostly all melted except for big piles or drifts that hold together longer, the icicles hanging from trees and buildings have all dripped off or fallen off and the ground is thawing. Instead of snow and ice we have water and mud.
It's amazing when we are so used to the cold temperatures that 40 degrees feels so incredibly nice. I went out today without a coat and didn't even realize it until I was in town. (Hopefully my mom doesn't read that, she'd still shake her head at me.) And even though when I step outside and feel the moist warmth that is so refreshing and welcome, I can't help but hold back tears as I look out my window at the world melting. All I see are L & L, our foster children who came to stay with us during the melting months and into the spring of last year. All of my memories of this type of weather include them and I can't help but miss them and worry about them. We wished and prayed and wanted for them to become a part of our family. They went back to their birth parents and while I hope for the best, I can't help but worry constantly, knowing the challenges they faced in the past in that living environment.
I picture their bright eyes and hear their beautiful laughs as they jumped in puddles, climbed snow piles and tackled me. I remember the chaos of stripping down 3 mud-covered toddlers on the rug by the door before they could make it any farther and plopping them all in the tub for baths and tossing all the clothes in the washer, only to repeat the entire ordeal each day. But all the remembering in the world can't ease my worry and hurt over losing them and the horrible reality of knowing I can no longer protect them. I was their mom, and I couldn't protect them. Often I wonder if they blame me, for abandoning them too, just like every other adult in their life had done. They had let themselves get attached, love us, trust us even. And then one day we said goodbye and they never saw us again. I could go on and on about how I hate the system and spend all day playing out the "what would their lives be like if they had stayed", but mostly I just hurt. I ache to cuddle their tiny bodies while reading a book, or play one more game of ring around the rosy. I would give anything to watch them run around our yard or give me big smiles with popsicle juice running down their chins. And I can sit and sulk in that pain and hurt, entertaining negative thoughts about the evil in the world never getting better.
God nudges me in those moments and reminds me I'm getting wrapped up in the wrong places again. It can be so easy to forget just what life is about, just what we're here for. When the world is so twisted and messed up and we feel so out of place, I have to remember that this is not my home. That hope that someday I will go to heaven and NEVER EVER watch another child be treated with anything less that perfect love, never feel worry or hurt, that is the hope I cling to. I am so blessed in my journey to have been given so many reminders of that. When our winter gets so long that we can't remember anymore what summer even feels like, all of the sudden we get one of these 40 degree days. You know the feeling...you step outside and feel the sunshine on your face, the warmth in the air, the birds chirping, and you can just sigh and say "that's what spring feels like". Days like that are reminders to us that winter won't last forever, and spring is coming. Luckily for us, just like God give us warm moments to hold on to, He also gives us reminders here on Earth to help us remember heaven is coming. I hold on to the pieces of my faith that give me that same reassurance. Sunday Mass, Adoration, a special connection in prayer, a friend who shares the faith, seeing the love of the Trinity reflected in my family, a beautiful funeral....It's in those moments that we just KNOW better days are coming. Hold on to those moments, make it a priority to make more of them in your life, and use that reassurance to make it through the cold times in life with never-ending hope in what is to come.

You're Right, It's Not Enough to Be a Mom

I've asked myself the question a hundred times, as I know so many other mom's have too: Is it enough? Meaning is it enough to JUST stay home with my kids or to JUST be a mom and wife. I've always been very career driven and put so much of my self-worth into my success in my career. I've also always felt a strong call to tirelessly share the Gospel. I've prayed and prayed about the plan that God has for me, and when I felt called to leave my job to stay home with my kids it took me a lot longer than usual to listen because I worried about that question: Is it enough? Will it be enough to satisfy my needs and desires to share myself? Is this really all that God wants of me? Surely I could do more...

I think over the last year God has revealed this message to me in many different ways, but one night in particular a couple weeks ago, it finally sunk in. Here's what it looked like:

My husband had just turned out the lights and I turned to look at the video monitor as I pulled up the covers. "He really is the cutest isn't he." I said. Our 4 month old was sleeping peacefully, looking ever-so-small in that big crib. "We'll see how cute you think he is at 3 AM," Dan replied. .” “He’s always cute,” I argued and snuggled in to my pillow. I had just started to drift to sleep and then came his soft cries. "Seriously baby?" I waited to see if he’d find his thumb and go back to sleep but the cries got louder. “Ok.” My body protested as I pulled the covers off and forced myself back out of bed. As I walked out of the bedroom Dan mumbled in his half-asleep state, “maybe he just needs to be changed and will go right back to sleep.”  “Yeah right” I replied as I walked to the kitchen and made a bottle. I went up to his room and greeted him with a smile, “Hello sweet baby,” and he can’t help but take a break from his crying to smile at me. Then he goes right back to letting me know how hungry he is.

As soon as the bottles in his mouth and he’s comfortably in my arms as we rock in the old chair in his room, he is quiet. I take it in. I realize that the baby that looked so tiny yet on the monitor suddenly seems so large in my arms. Looking down at him, I’m taken aback by just how big he’s gotten. He stretches all the way across my body, his feet hanging far over my thighs. His head is no where near the size of a newborns. But he is almost 5 months old. I try to remember how little he used to be, to compare. I can’t. I can’t picture it. It was just a couple months ago. I try to think of specific moments: his birth. OK, there he is. I can see his scrunched up face crying so violently. I can picture his tiny legs curling up every time I changed him. But there are so few memories I can recall. The tears stream down my face as I hold him against my chest patting his back for a burp as his breathing becomes that of the soft rhythmic sleep. And then I know. THIS is the surprise.

You see, during Advent and Christmas I was praying and feeling like God was going to reveal something to me. That He had a surprise for me, and I was racking my brain trying to figure out what it was and anxiously awaiting it's arrival. In my mind I was hoping for a door to open in my ministry or for a foster placement or another adoption or even my own successful pregnancy (the sky's the limit when God says He's going to surprise you, right?) I had been looking and praying and looking and praying and nothing had happened yet. But there, in that moment, I held that tiny little boy and tried to memorize the sound and feel of every breath, because I heard: "This is the surprise. And you're missing it. You're missing it because you’re so busy chasing something else. These boys you’ve been given, they are your purpose." It’s as if I could see my whole future life in front of my eyes and I knew that if THIS was the only thing I did, I would feel satisfied, accomplished…I would feel the only thing I’ve ever wanted really: to make my Heavenly Father proud. How I’ve stressed and struggled and worried how I’m meant to do that and it’s been here the whole time. These tiny hands and feet, these eyes that look into mine with such love, this is my surprise, and I won’t be missing it anymore. It's not ENOUGH for me to be a mom and a wife, it's EVERYTHING. It's my entire reason for being. I was created to love my God, my husband and these amazing little lives that have been given to me. It's so much more than "enough."

How My Family Keeps Christ in Christmas

"The best way to keep Christ in Christmas is by celebrating Advent" - Mark Hart, a Catholic Speaker that I follow on facebook recently posted that quote and I couldn't have summed it up better. (He is great for his one liners that can really get you thinking so I encourage you to follow him if you don't already!)
The first Sunday of Advent we were lucky to be visiting my in-laws parish whose priest said "don't miss advent".  We know that Christmas in stores starts popping up even before Halloween now and most of us feel pretty great for waiting until after Thanksgiving to decorate for Christmas, but with our huge focus on jumping into the Christmas season before it's here, we are missing the beautiful and necessary season of Advent. I'm not just talking about decorating for Christmas too early. Yes, decorations are something physical and tangible that play a very important role in our spiritual life since we are physical, visual people, but it's the actions and thoughts behind the decorations that are important.
So, we all know there's an age-old debate over when the appropriate time is to put up your Christmas tree, but just why is it important anyway? As my 3 year old son grows it has forced my husband and I to think seriously about why we do the things we do. We want to teach him what the season is really about and to discourage the concept of "I want _____" fill in the blank with any toy in eyesight. We questioned if we would pretend that Santa exists and a lot of other things. And the more I researched the more I realized that Mark Hart was absolutely right. If I want my son to know what Christmas is really about, the answer is in Advent. I think Advent gets passed over because people don't always understand it. I, just like so many of you, hate to wait for anything. Why wait to decorate? To turn on the Christmas music? To celebrate such a beautiful Christian event? Because, just like in our lives, when we skip ahead, we miss what was meant for right now.  When I was in high school I wanted to skip to college, when I was in college I wanted to skip to marriage and when I got married and we struggled to have children I wanted to skip to when that would happen. But I could write pages and pages of what good things I would have missed had I been able to do that.
Advent is more than just blank squares to cross off on a calendar or a reason to make you wait. Advent isn't really about waiting for Christmas, it's really about pointing us to Christ. It's about remembering that HE is what life is really about. We aren't waiting for a baby to be born...that already happened! We're waiting for Jesus to come again. And as someone recently shared, how many of us still do? Or have we really given up on that? Do we really live our lives each day to the holiest degree? Do we really HOPE each day that today will be the day He comes? And do we realize that He went through all that He did just so that He could come to live in our hearts right now? That is what advent is about. You can see how easily that message gets lost in the "Christmas" season as we know it today that is so much more focused on things of this world than the next. This Advent, hear Jesus say "all I want for Christmas is you."

Ok, so you want to celebrate advent the right way, but wait! Don't throw the baby out with the bathwater! One of the unfortunate things about the secular world taking over our Christian holidays is that some of our beautiful, meaningful traditions get so twisted they are unrecognizable to Christians. The more I learn each year I realize I don't have to get rid of things I have grown to love about Christmas, they just have a lot more meaning to me now! So here are a few ways that my family celebrates Advent and Christmas in case you are looking for ideas, but make sure to make it your own!

Advent Calendar - Advent for us really revolves around this calendar.  First of all, my son loves opening something each day, and that makes sure that a single day doesn't go by that we aren't spending some time thinking about the themes of advent. Each day has something to do like a prayer, an act of service, a craft, etc. I try to relate them to the daily Mass readings for the day. Usually they have some type of treat or gift in them. For example, on the Feast of Our Lady of Guadalupe there was a stamp set and we talked about the story and then played with our stamps (keep in mind, my son is 3 so I keep things pretty simple). There was a tube of frosting as the gift the day we made ginger bread "nativity scenes" and talked about where Jesus was born. There are quarters for the day we're challenged to pay it forward by putting extra money in the vending machine for the next person, and socks for the day we just "sat and soaked in the presence of Jesus".  I know it sounds like it took a long time, but it probably took less than 2-3 hours to come up with all the activities and then put it together. My son was able to help put some of it together with me. I let him do the ones with notes and candy and I did the ones with the bigger gifts like the stamp set, socks, etc so he would be surprised.  I'm sorry I didn't type up what I put in there this year, but if you'd like some ideas from last year you can read my post about advent last year for the list. The photo above was taken today, so it's in it's in-between stage. As we take down gifts, we fill in the space with our friends and family! We hang our Christmas cards and it's just a wonderful visual of how His blessings pile up as we grow closer to Him!

Pray Unceasingly - Saint Paul said it and it can be said again. Everyday, all the time. Pray. The whole purpose of Advent and Christmas is to get you to heaven so that you can have the relationship with God you were created for to begin with. All He wants is you. You're missing the point if you do all the craft stuff but never take time to be with Him. We take advantage of "The Word Among Us" daily devotions for advent as well as Fr. Robert Barrons daily devotionals that come right to your email in case you're the type that forgets to pick up a book or go on to a blog each day. Growing up we also prayed the rosary as a family daily during advent, something we are trying to do now but not succeeding with. Clearly, we are not prioritizing this enough and need to :) I'm able to pray it on my own, but I feel it's important to do as a family. It shows to your children that this is important enough to turn the TV off, and stop whatever else we are doing to give our time to God.

Santa - wait, don't get rid of him! I mean, yes, please oh please stop writing him letters asking him for things. This REALLY defeats the purpose of Christmas (see my blurb about gifts below). It can be easy to want to toss out Santa. A friend recently shared the blog post with me "What to do about Santa" and gives a lot of great points on how Santa has gotten out of control. For that reason, I know many Christians have gotten rid of the tradition all together, and I was one who was ready to. But what we are forgetting is that before he was "Santa" he was St. Nicholas, because his feast day is during advent and he was a wonderful holy man who shared what he had with others. On his feast day, December 6, it's traditional to put candy in shoes by the door, which we did. Let the kids put candy in dad's shoes and get a taste of how great it feels to do something nice for someone! Instead of teaching our kids to ask him for things, teach them to be LIKE him, to give to others.

Gifts - As we go through a store and my son says "I want that, and that and that." I redirect his thoughts. "At Christmas we need to think about what we can get for other people, not ourselves. What do you think your cousins would like to have?" When he's older we can start talking about people in need, he doesn't quite get that yet. But really, if we are frustrated that to kids Christmas is all about gifts and we hate seeing the ungratefulness around the Christmas tree on Christmas morning, we have to set to the tone. That means we have to stop asking "what do you want for Christmas?" and instead say "what can we do for others this Christmas?" or "who are you most excited to give a gift to this Christmas?" Then maybe, just MAYBE, gifts you do chose to give them might be appreciated not expected...maybe. I've heard two things that I liked as ways parents keep gifts simple. Some do 3 gifts each because that's what Jesus received, and another does "something you want, something you need, something to wear, something to read." The important thing to stress is the reason behind the gift giving. If you can't answer why we give gifts at Christmas, then why are you giving gifts at Christmas?

Straw for the manger - as kids we got to put a piece of straw in the manger each time we did something nice for someone, and I have added for every extra prayer time as well. To soften the bed for baby Jesus (who's tiny figurine is still placed there in a sort of ceremony on Christmas Eve at my parents house while we sing Away in the Manger) and to remind us that He calls us to follow his example of loving others, not to throw a big party each year in His honor where nobody honors Him.

Finally...Decorating - Isn't it magical once you decorate for Christmas? It really changes the atmosphere of the house. If you decorate for Christmas, it's going to feel like Christmas. But I wanted my house to reflect Advent so that I'm visually reminded. Since Advent builds up to Christmas, our decorating reflects this. We tie this into our advent calendar which on certain days gives us things to do. The first week of advent we put up the advent wreath, and the BARE Christmas tree. A reminder of the new life that Christ brings but also that we are still waiting for the day we'll celebrate with Him in eternity. The second week we put up lights on the tree and outside, to proclaim to all that Jesus brought light into darkness. This year we put lights outside on 4 of our small trees, but we only plug in 2 during the 2nd week of advent and 3 during the third, etc (they're our advent candles!). No one else probably gets it except us but that's ok!  On the Feast of the Immaculate Conception we set up the Nativity scene. Then we finally decorate the tree and put up all our other decorations during the 4th week, usually just a few days before Christmas. A bonus to waiting so long to decorate is that it isn't hard to leave the decorations up through the Christmas season because we aren't sick of them yet! Plus, they bring joy to the dreary month of January.

It's really not to late to celebrate Advent this year! I hope most of all you are able to just spend time with Him in prayer and recognize Him in others. Remember, the disciples waited hopefully for the return of Jesus. Maybe the most important question for our hearts today is: do we hopefully await his arrival or do we hope he doesn't come today? The answer is a good spiritual check for our hearts. I know I have some work to do. Thank God for Advent!