I Keep Breaking Back In

Sending cattle to pasture is one of my favorite farm activities. Not only is it great to just get them out of the yard along with their smells, flies and poop, its great to see them take off into the green grass, munching as much as they possibly can at first and then settling into a constant eating/sleeping rhythm. The calves run around and play and they all just enjoys the space, the clean place to lay and of course the delicious grass green grass.

This year, we had two calves who just couldn't make it into the pasture. Usually, calves follow their mama's anywhere, so we don't have to worry if they can get out of the fence because they won't go far from their moms. But for whatever reason, these two calves left the pasture and wouldn't go back in. One was trying, he could see his mom on the other side of the fence, but he could not figure out how to get back in. (FYI It's almost always, just the way you got out) But he just kept trying to go the most direct/quickest way, and that way was blocked. We finally, after MULTIPLE attempts, chased him away from where he wanted to go through the fence to the open gate where he could get in. And then, when he still wouldn't go through the open gate, his nervous mom ended up coming to get him and we finally were able to chase them both back inside the fence.

But THIS guy(can you find him in the shadows?)...WOULD NOT LEAVE THE PEN. I have NEVER had to chase a calf OUT of the pen. We'd open the gate wide and he'd just sit there. We'd chase him all around and he'd do whatever he could not to go through that open gate. When we finally got him through the open gate, instead of running toward the pasture, he'd dart the opposite way, run all the way around the outside of the pen, and duck back INTO the pen through the feed bunk. I have NEVER seen a calf break back into the pen. About ten times we repeated this cycle, we'd chase him out, he'd break back in. Finally we gave up, left the gate open and hoped he'd eventually get hungry or miss his mom and go looking for her. But there he sat. For hours. All day.


This pen had been his home his whole life of 2 months. This was his security, this was all he knew. Stinky and cold and damp but it was home. Outside the pen was green grass, and warm sunshine, and a warm breeze where he could nap under the shade of a tree. But he was too scared of what he didn't know. So there he sat. In his own poop. Because it was familiar.
This must be what God feels like, I thought so many times that day as I was trying to convince this stubborn calf there was something better than the pen he was clinging to so stubbornly. Paradise is waiting but we'd rather sit in our own filth. We tend to hold on, to our anger, our unforgiveness, our hurt, our bitterness, our sin. Jesus went first and flung the gate open for us on his way out to the pasture, but so often there we still sit. Too afraid to leave, too comfortable? And then, after a good long wait, he tries to chase us out. Because he loves us, and gosh there is paradise just beyond the gate, where the sun will always be on our face and our bellies will never be hungry. Where the weight of worry will never rest on our shoulders again. So he tries to chase us there by allowing things to happen in our lives to make us really think about our pen and question if it's so great after all.




We understand I think, this inability to trust when we have never seen. For someone who has never known the goodness of trusting God, it makes sense their hesitance to leave the comforts they know. But how silly once we've been to the pasture, to break back into the pen? How crazy to know what's good for you and do the opposite? 


So what am I doing? I have spent the last year angry and afraid because of what is happening to children in our child protection system, because of what happened and what might be happening to a little boy I loved as my own. I let anger and fear and refusal to trust steal so many moments of happy. I let it eat away at my relationships, I let it steal my peace, my prayer, my soul. I spent a year in that crummy, cold pen and I was finally crawling my way back to the pasture. I was finally feeling the weight of worry eased as I entrusted my worries to God. I was finally starting to forgive.
I finally surrendered Tiny and his future to God. Finally able to say "OK", I trust you know whats best for him eternally, even if it doesn't make sense to me now. I was doing well loving the people who had hurt me and hurt him.
And then, he came back. And there are a million things I want to tell you about that that I can't share but I will just say he was truly being protected by God the way it happened. I spent a week in thanksgiving just enjoying the time with him and being back together again. It was such a great place to not be worrying about him anymore and knowing that God had it under control. The sun felt so good on my face.
And then after about a week I broke back in to the pen. I took it all back. Everything I had given away to God. I grabbed back control and worry. It's ridiculous, to know what's good for you and do the opposite. But here I sit. In this yuck. How do I get out? (It's almost always the way you got in.)


But what if I really can't figure it out. What if we really know we want paradise, peace and love my heart longs for but we just aren't sure how to get there? We can see and smell peace and love and surrender on the other side of the fence but we just can't figure out how to get there from here? The only thing I keep thinking is: Follow your mama.
Calves, children, everyone knows mama's only want the best for their babies and won't lead them wrongly. How did Mary live out her life on earth? She continually surrendered to the will of God. She "pondered things in her heart". She didn't try to correct or fix or change what was being asked of her. She trusted. She spent time with Jesus. She went out about her daily life knowing each day her son's life, her life, was set for suffering. But she knew the goodness of the pasture. She trusted. I pray that you can trust like Mary today, and have the peace that comes with surrender to the will of God.
If you're really stuck, don't worry, the good shepherd will come along and try to chase you out eventually, but it would sure be easier for everyone if you would just follow your mama.

The Reason Every Day is the Best

Oh Husband,
Tomorrow we celebrate 12 years. Its hard to believe it was that long ago that the "best day of my life" was finally happening. I remember the joy of the day so clearly, how I think I smiled the whole entire day, and I never believed I would be so happy ever in my lifetime. Sometimes it feels like yesterday, and sometimes, I think about the things we've been through together and it's hard to believe it's ONLY been 12 years. But today, as I'm thinking about you and the gift you've been to me, I just want to thank God for you. Of all the incredible blessings in my life, and I have been seriously spoiled by my Father God, you are the greatest blessing of all.
You have seen me at my worst and loved me anyway. You have walked with me through so many seasons of grief. You have held my hand, and held my body up as we have laid child after child in the ground. You have prayed over them when I could not utter the words. You kept a steady, even faith through every trial we have faced. You have been the voice of reason when I am being irrational and I know you want to be too. The number of hours or probably days worth of crying you have sat with me through I cannot count. You have always been the strong one, the one who holds all the burdens of our family on your shoulders. You balance the emotions of loss and foster care and worry and things being out of our control along with providing for our family. And I know that when you walk out the door, you go to take on the burdens of your friends and your customers and your customers who have long since become friends. I see you care so deeply about their families and their success and I don't know how you possibly have anything left to give them after our family demands so much of you, but you always give everyone all you have.
What I love the most, is that after everything we've been through the last 12 years, after everything that has been placed on your shoulders, you still walk through the door every day with a smile on your face, so happy to be home. You still can walk in to a house full of crying, fighting crabby children and an even crabbier wife, and completely change the atmosphere and have us all laughing and smiling in a matter of minutes. I love that after 12 years you still have the same mischievous look in your eyes and all it takes is one look to know you still love me like crazy. I cannot figure out why. But I'll take it. Because I never would believed this if you told me twelve years ago, but tonight when you walk in the door, I will love you even more than I did back then. It will bring me even more joy than the day of our wedding to be with you. It's such an honor to be married to you, to get to walk these hard roads with you and the joyful ones.
Last week, a song came on the radio, and Little Man was dancing, and decided to slink over and climb into your lap and lay his head on your shoulder, right as the words of the song sang "you're a good, good Father." I thanked God in that moment and every day that my children get to have the best father in the world. I thanked Him that they would know who He is because you are showing them what a fathers love is supposed to be. There are so many kids in the world who have no idea what the unconditional, constant, unchanging, forgiving, protective, wise, patient love of a father is and because of that they may never know or may struggle to understand the love of their heavenly Father. But not our kids. Not all the kids you are "dad" to that don't live here anymore. They are so blessed, because you are an incredible father, and we are so lucky to be your family.

You are a man of a million talents and its fun watching you and the things you can do. I can't understand how you seem to know or figure out how to fix or build just about anything from construction to mechanics to the kids toys. And I haven't yet heard anyone else say they know someone who has come home and built a 30 foot deck in one day by themselves, so maybe you're the only actual super-dad out there. And as much as I admire all of those things, most of all, it's when you bow your head before a meal and thank God or humbly ask for patience or forgiveness that I'm confident you're the greatest man I know.
These twelve years have been full of heartache and overfull of blessing as we welcomed more children in heaven than we can count, adopted 4, have 5 living under our roof right now (except for that one crazy month where there were 7!!), 4 that live under another roof but we love as our own and sometimes parent on the weekends, and others who have only stayed a few days. We've started a new business, purchased a farm, had 5,678 fights about money and who left their shoes in front of the door and who works too much and who should take out the garbage (FYI, you've forgotten the last 195 days). We've been handed children unexpectedly and we've had children taken unexpectedly. But everyday, every struggle, every joy, you have been there, and that has been the greatest blessing of all. No matter what happens the next twelve, the next fifty, I will be blessed because I get to live them out with you. And every day, everything we encounter, has been another opportunity to grow, and makes me love you even more. So tomorrow, 12 years later, I'm living out the best day of my life all over again. And I'll do it again next week. Thanks for making every day the best one yet (unless we're going to look at the farm books...then we're probably going to have a nice fight and not talk until morning.) Ok...even days we kindly and politely (right!?) discuss our farming business, those are the best days too. Love you!