A few times since Dan and I have been married we've felt this way. Most memorable was the month we lost our baby, our dog ran away, and our new puppy got run over in the driveway by a delivery truck. I'm pretty sure I wrote a pretty ugly "thanks for kicking me when I'm down" letter to God that day. Really...the puppy too?
A lot has felt like it is falling apart for our family recently too. Maybe someday I can share the details with you, but right now I'll just stay that everyone is struggling to deal with the difficulties of foster care and all the emotions and hurt that comes with it, especially the fear of loss.
In the middle of trying to navigate that, we are trying to sell our house, beginning the busiest season of our business, and September also brought school and new routines. And then, court hearings didn't go well, the house didn't sell the first day like I had hoped (too much to ask?), equipment repairs keep adding up and most of the equipment isn't in the field yet, and all these new and stressful things are throwing new behaviors from our kids that I haven't had experience with yet. September left us feeling beat up. September had me on the edge of writing another sarcastic letter to God, something like "did you fall asleep up there?" or "what in the world were you thinking?" as the opening line.
This time I didn't write the letter. Oh, I said some choice words about it to a few friends who were unfortunate enough to ask how things were going. But I didn't talk to Him about it, I just stayed angry. Luckily for me, He has given me a safety net. That even when I won't sit with Him in prayer, even when I'm too angry or hurt to go there, He has put all these other things in my life to reach me. My good friends who always know what to say and always reassure me and comfort me. And the church (made up of people) who prays for me, hears my failings and offers forgiveness, and guides me to read scripture.
The beginning of October, which was maybe the worst week of all, we have been reading through the book of Job in the first readings. I used to love this story of the man who had everything and loved God so the devil took everything to see if he would still praise God. It's a beautiful story of faith. But as I was reading it in short clips as the daily readings, I realized if you only got that day's clip of the story, it would be a pretty sad one. God allows the devil to take away everything Job has. It's devastating. His family, his animals, his workers, everything was gone just like that. And then the devil takes his health. And then his friends are convinced he is sinful because he is being punished. Job stays faithful. He continues to praise God, he defends himself humbly against the false accusations of his friends, continuing to point them to the goodness of God. But he is sad. He goes on for so many chapters with his pain and hurt.
If you read those clips of the story, without having read the end of the story, its a very sad and depressing story. But I knew as I was reading them, how the story ends, that after so much time of not hearing from God, He finally answers, and He questions Job: "where were you when I laid the foundation of the earth?" Job 37:4 and goes on and on reminding Job that He is the creator who knows more than Job does. And Job acknowledges this and says "I know that you can do all things and that no purpose of yours can be thwarted." Job 42:1 And then the story ends "and the Lord restored the fortunes of Job when he had prayed for his friends, and the Lord gave Job twice as much as he had before." Job 42:10
You just can't look at the middle of that story and make any sense out of it.
And I read it this week and was reminded that's where we are. We are right in the middle of the story. And when we turn on the news or get hit with a tragedy that rocks our world, or if the storm just never seems to calm we can feel like it's all falling apart. It can take us to a place of despair. But it doesn't have to. Because we know this is the middle of the story, and we know the ending is going to be happy (eternal life in heaven right!?).
I still cringe thinking about what else will happen in the middle of the story. Just like Job, having faith during difficult times doesn't mean we can't still be sad or even angry during those hard parts in the middle. Being sad doesn't mean we don't have faith. It means we weren't made for the brokenness of this world, and that's ok. But faith doesn't despair. Faith remembers this is the middle of the story, and takes hope that we already know the ending.
I wasn't there when He laid the foundation of the earth. So who am I to question what He is doing? I know it doesn't always make sense. My one year old right now is in that "play with everything that is not a toy" stage. And he gets so upset when I take things away from him that are dangerous. He doesn't understand that I'm doing what's best for him, and he cries the saddest, most dramatic cries about it. It's ok to cry and be sad when you're stuck in the middle, but don't despair. Even when the end feels really far away, remember that the middle is really what the story is made of.
Despite everything that's falling apart, there's so much good in this season of life. There are 5 kids in my house that all still want to sit on my lap and read a book and try not to let me go after bedtime hugs. There is this incredible man I get to walk with who still does whatever he can to make me laugh and never forgets to say "I love you." And after all of the mistakes and bad choices and 'stress-got-the-better-of-us moments, there is forgiveness. There is the sound of the baby's deep belly laugh when Dan is holding him high on top of his head. There is the moment brothers share and sisters help each other put on dress up clothes. There is the most precious phrase of "I love you mom" after an "I hate you" screamed earlier in the day.
Reading clips of our story might not make any sense right now. It might just be incredibly sad. I wrote this post a few weeks ago, and yesterday they took Tiny to live with his birth mom, after 13 months and his whole life here. We can hardly breathe. We are so afraid for the hurt he is experiencing and the dangerous situation he is living in. This part of his story just doesn't make any sense. Maybe that's how yours reads too. I'm praying for you tonight, that you find hope that this is just the middle of the story, and the end is going to be a happy one. But I'm also praying you find hope that the middle still has a lot of good stuff in store for you too. Because even though I cried more than I smiled today, there was still a massive blanket fort in the living room with three beautiful giggling faces inside. Even though I have never seen my husband this hurt, a friend rode with him in the tractor all night so he wouldn't be alone. Even though the evil in the world seems to be closing in, we will still give praise to our God. It doesn't make any sense why you haven't stepped in, but we still love You. "Father, Glorify your name." Jn 12:28
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