You Aren't Good Enough

 

"You aren't good enough." We've all heard those words, haven't we? Rarely ever in verbal form, but echoing through our minds as the day wears on. Here's what's incredible. Last week I shared Isabella's story and over a thousand people read it. It's probably nothing in the terms of social media, but to me, that her story can touch the lives of more than a thousand people is amazing. The comments and reactions went straight to our hearts.
Since Bella's adoption and since adding another 1 year old to our family we've gotten so many comments about how great we are, even to be called saints and told how lucky the kids are to have us. I have a confession: when I hear those things I cringe a little.
The words sting. I am not a saint. I am not great. To be viewed that way feels insincere and I fight the urge to correct the speaker.
The truth is, there are many days, if not most, that I'm quite sure I have appropriately earned the Worst Mother of the Year Award every year since 2011. Most days, I end the day laying my head on the pillow re-playing the numerous scenes from the day I completely messed up and severely regret. How many times did I raise my voice today? How many times was I impatient? How often did I just fail to see what they were really needing? You don't see my temper lost, my worst self, but I do. I know all my failings and in case I forget the devil is sure to whisper them to me at every opportunity.
"You're not good enough to be a parent. These kids deserve someone better. Why are you taking more children when you are not parenting the ones you have well? Other parents never yell. Other parents do a much better job with discipline and teaching...."I could really go on for hours with the criticisms I have about myself. They're not all just about parenting, there's a long list about the wife I am and my roles in ministry within the church. The devil can be so convincing, and has often made me question if I should be doing what I am doing.
He is right. I am not good enough. I'm am not a good enough wife or mother or friend or youth minister or .....
BUT God thinks I am. He doesn't just think it, He knows it. He called me to this work, to be this man's wife, to be these children's mother, to be in the lives of these specific people. It wasn't by accident that I stumbled upon them. I've heard it said that the devil knows our name but calls us by our sins, God knows our sins but calls us by our name.
All we have to do is pick any character from the bible and we will find the least obvious choice, the most flawed, the most unqualified for the job, and we see that is who God selects. He doesn't focus on their failings but their potential. This lent especially I was reflecting on the donkey that carried Jesus into Jerusalem as the crowds worshipped and laid palm branches at his feet. He was a colt, untrained, never been ridden, too small. Probably the least qualified donkey in town. There was nothing special about him, and very few probably ever noticed him or his qualities or flaws. But He brought Jesus to a lot of people. He played an essential, but not noticeable role in a very important part of the story of salvation.
Don't hear me saying that the sins I struggle with are ok. I have a lot of work to do, I need the grace of forgiveness and the help of the holy spirit to overcome them. I know I want and need to be a better mom to these incredible children who deserve only the best. But do hear me say that if you're waiting to be perfect to share the gospel, then it will never be shared. None of us is good enough, but we are asked to try, to go where we are led and bring Jesus to people in our imperfect way that He makes perfect.
I tried something different tonight, when I was re-hashing the terrible moments of the day I happened to be clicking through photos I had recently uploaded to the computer. You know what, the photos told a very different story than my recollection did. Those really were genuine smiles and laughs on my computer screen. They really do a lot of fun things and enjoy life. One that I happened upon was my tiny farmer Samuel who grabbed the pail when we were outside and said "I feed cows mommy!"

He went right to get the grain just like he's seen his Dad do. Since he was willing, I helped him put a little grain in his pail and he proudly headed toward the cows who were quick to line up at the sound of the grain in the bucket. He looked so small heading towards those big, hungry animals. It took all of his strength to carry that bucket that was 1/20th full of grain.

He did it all by himself and came back for a second bucket. That time, it was a little more full and he turned back afraid maybe he had taken on a job he couldn't handle. So I came close, walked beside him, and helped him carry and dump it.  The cows were happy. I could have done it myself 20 times faster, but the joy that He and I both got because he did it was the goal. 
I suppose the lesson He's trying to teach me is that it really isn't all on my shoulders as it weighs heavy each night. He enjoys letting me help, but he'll gladly carry the load when it gets too heavy.


Thank You God for believing in me, even when I give you so many reasons not to, even when I don't feel good enough, because this really is a lot of fun, and it's really nice to be included in your work.