The Problem with Fitting In

She just got back from a mission trip and was talking to her friends. They asked a few questions and then moved on to other things, ready to put the trip behind them all. But she couldn't do that. Those things that they had moved on to used to be important to her too, but now there was a problem, because she had changed, but her world had not.
He returned from a retreat determined to live out his newfound faith. But no one seemed to be able to match his excitement to share the gospel. His spirit seemed to be met with "slow down" and people that seemed to care more about their work load than authentic service. Enthusiasm turned to frustration.
Or maybe the situation we all relate to: They slowly learned and grew in their faith journey, it didn't seem like a huge life change, but over time they began to feel out of place around their family and friends.


I told a friend a few weeks ago, "to be a Christian means you'll never fit in". Jesus tells us this many times, but one I always remember is "In this world you will have trouble, but take courage, I have conquered the world." Jn 16:33
The truth is, that if you feel like you don't fit in anywhere here, its because this isn't your home.
"if the world has hated you realize it hated me first. If you belonged to the world, the world would love its own; but because you do not belong to the world, and I have chosen you out of the world, the world hates you" Jn 15:18-19
We were made for heaven. If this world never feels quite right, be glad! I am always grateful when God allows me moments of solitude, when no one else in the entire world seems to understand, that I know I belong with Him. It can reorder my priorities in a heartbeat.


Now, here's where this gets more difficult: Even though you don't fit in, you have to try. I don't mean change yourself to be like other people, I mean you still have to be in relationship with people. For a lot of reasons, but most of all these 2: Because they need you and because you need them.


We were created to be in community. God made Adam AND Eve, not just Adam. He literally created us for each other, to be a gift for the other person. We know that people bring us joy and that no one really wants to be alone. We also know that it is through people that we experience the love of God.
Beloved, if God so loved us, we also must love one another. No one has ever seen God. Yet, if we love one another, God remains in us, and his love is brought to perfection in us. 1 Jn 4

They need you too. "We are about bringing people along, not cutting them off" a friend reminded me. It's easy when we get frustrated that people don't seem to be where we want them to be, to want to distance ourselves from them. But remember that God loves them too, and wants them close, and if we can help we should.  I was walking in the trees around our farm with my 5 year old earlier this week and he wanted to be the "leader". We were exploring, and I was instructed to follow him. But he kept trying to lead me underneath very low branches that were pretty easy for him to get through, but almost impossible for me being so much taller. He was upset I wasn't following him since he was, after all, the leader!  I simply taught him, "you can't lead people where they can't go, they won't follow."
A good leader knows the people he is leading and finds a way to get them to the destination in a way that they are able. There are a lot of ways to get to the spot he wanted to go in the grove that don't involve going underneath a branch 2 feet off the ground.
You probably won't convince someone to sell all their belongings and move to Africa in a conversation. But you might be able to share a story about your experience that may begin to open their eyes and slowly change their heart. Bring them along, even if it has to be the long way.
When we get to a certain place, we want everyone to be right there with us, but we forget how long it took, how many specific experiences and encounters that have worked to get us to this place. We have to give them time and THEN we have to trust God that He is already working.


When we were on vacation in Florida, I was so blessed to get to spend the mornings on the beach watching the sunrise as I prayed my morning prayers. It was so quiet and peaceful as only a few others took advantage of that time before the beach became busy. It was also the time of day that a tractor came along raking the sand so it would be nice and smooth for the new day. It was nice to have a newly raked beach, but as I watched him go up and down the beach, I saw a very elaborate sandcastle that someone had built in the middle of the beach the day before. Someone had probably spent hours building it. I wondered if he would go around it, but he stayed right on course and in a matter of seconds he had completely erased any trace of it.


 I have this plan for life to be clean and smooth and pretty like a freshly raked beach, and I often come along and rake it myself. But I would do better to remember, that God is already at work, and I might just smash it in my haste to make things just the way I would like them to be. That's also when I usually discover that it's probably me, not someone else that needs to change. Its not as clean or easy, but it can be very beautiful when I find the way to work together WITH the Spirit to change hearts, especially my own.

When He Doesn't Love Me the Way I Want Him To

Have you ever felt this way? He brings flowers but I just want him to spend more time with the kids. I'm sure the girl next door wishes he would think to bring flowers but he rushes to be home earlier.
I bet you've heard about The 5 Love Languages. If you haven't heard of it, the basic concept is that everyone gives and receives love in one of 5 ways. The book is popular because it helps couples recognize that the way they express their love might not be the way their spouse does, and this can lead to a lot of conflict. For example, if you tend to be the type of person who expresses love most by words you might be confused when your spouse doesn't feel you care about her when you have told her 10 times that day you love her. She instead expresses love through acts of service therefore because you have walked right past the sink full of dirty dishes, stepped over a basket of unfolded laundry and forgot to take out the garbage, she's not feeling the love. She loves you too and shows it in her effort to make sure the coffee was made, lunch was ready when you walked out the door, folded your shirts the way you like them, and cleaned out your car. It's obvious to her that she loves you because she did all those things, but you haven't heard the words in two days and therefore aren't feeling the love either.
It's really helpful in a relationship to know these things about each other so that we can really try to love our spouses in a way that they can really feel loved, making a point to say "I love you" or taking out the trash. The concepts of stepping outside of your own comfort zone and sacrificing to love your spouse are beautiful marks of Theology of the Body and God's true intention for love and marriage.


BUT.....


this doesn't mean that this is the only way my spouse is allowed to love me. It doesn't mean I can say "because this is the way I want you to love me, it's the only way I'll accept love from you." Its a tool to help me love the other better, and maybe recognize where my frustrations come from, but it's not the only way I can be loved.
It's pretty common that couples are complete opposites when it comes to the way they love best. And that's interesting because we typically fall in love with a person before we really know what their "love language" is. They clearly are able to get across to us that they love us early on in the relationship without knowing how we want to be loved and instead loving us the way they do best. It kind of makes me wonder if we might know how we WANT to be loved, but maybe this person actually knows how we NEED to be loved. Maybe that's why we fell in love with them in the first place.
This weekend I was driving home in tears and I realized there's someone else who doesn't always love me the way I want to be loved. The one I love the most, the one who knows me the best, in my mind doesn't always get it right. I was telling Him that point blank as I drove away from a heartbreaking situation that I was sure He should fix. If He loved me after all, He would do this for me.  There I go again, thinking I might know more than the one who created the world.
I always want "out" when it's painful. I want a quick fix, a happy ending. So I want God to love me by giving me what I want. But He always gives me what I need instead. And lots of time it seems more like punishment than blessing.
But once the tears slow, I can usually remind myself just how good and trustworthy and faithful God is. I can usually remember that if I can only endure this trail that He has asked of me, then He will use it too for His good purpose. He will use it to change my heart, to mold me, because clearly there is so much work yet to be done to make my heart like His.
I don't like it. I really wish He would just love me the way I want Him to.  I also really wish my husband would remember to take out the garbage, but the flowers on my counter have made me smile every time I look at them. They were the brightness I needed this dreary week. I know I fell in love with both of them because they love me the way I need to be loved. Now I just have to learn how to just let them love me and see the beauty that is already there.