Sometimes You Feel the Nails

Our life has taken a crazy turn and we now have three children under the age of 3 living in our house. A lot of people have said it's difficult enough going from one kid to two, but going from one kid to three toddlers takes a little getting used to. We are, to say the least, tired. After the first few days I remember telling a friend that my whole body ached. I wasn't sure if it was from the actual physical change of picking up 3 kids during the course of the day instead of one or if I was just that tired from running after them.
The behaviors of all three kids have extremely challenged us. The last few weeks have been the hardest in my short span as a parent. I spend my days putting kids in and taking them out of time outs. I don't need much of a vocabulary. I feel if I could just be programmed with a pull string that switches off the phrases of  "please stop screaming", "don't hit", "do you want to go to time out?" and "we say please when we want something" that would be sufficient. If I get 30 seconds to myself its if I was lucky enough to sneak off to the bathroom without anyone seeing me and I can pee in peace, but most often there are two or three screaming and pounding on the door, and that's if I was able to even get the door closed to begin with. 
We have good days and bad days. Today was a bad day of tantrums and much-too-short naps that is a reminder of the sacrifice of being a parent. No one really prepares you, or maybe you just don't listen, for just how hard it is. That you'll give up pretty much everything you like to do for yourself. That you will lose touch with your best friends because its next to impossible to have an uninterrupted phone conversation. That you'll pass up countless opportunities to "climb the ladder" in your career because you can't possibly work those hours or don't have the energy the position requires because you give it all at home. That to the outside world you seem self-centered or air-headed because you shirk volunteering responsibilities, miss bridal showers and bacherlorette parties or one more committee meeting because your family needs you to be home. That you will change from a confident, smart woman that doesn't need anyones approval to someone who second guesses every decision you make and then cries in the public bathroom when someone makes a judgemental comment about your parenting choices.
I remember in the first few months after my son came to live with us wondering why no one tells you those things. I assumed either they keep quiet because otherwise they would never get grand kids or because misery loves company - ha ha suckers! But as my son got older and we fell more and more in love with him each day I realized it was because ....it's worth it.
It came to me gently, as our God so often is with something that's going to hurt. In the gospel of Mark today (Mk 9:30-37) it begins with Jesus telling the disciples how he will be killed and then rise again in three days.  I realized Jesus came for the purpose of hanging on that cross, but this is a rare occurrence of him talking about it. He had his bad days too: "O faithless generation, how long will I be with you? How long will I endure you?" (Mk 9) and then the worst day of all when he was nailed to the cross. But he doesn't dwell on his sacrifices back then, and I would bet he's not up in heaven right now complaining about how much those nails hurt, because to Him, for reasons none of us will ever understand, it was worth it.
I often pray that I can have the patience and unconditional love that my mother has and the humor and sacrificial spirit that my father has. I realized today I must pray most of all to be the humble and joyful parent that Jesus is. I realize that some days I am going to "feel the nails" of parenting, but when that sweet little voice says "I love you" or even just says "please" for the first time it will all be worth it. If only I can quit focusing on the sacrifice and instead see the joy.
Moms, if you still aren't convinced this gospel is for you, and if you ever find yourself wondering "did I even get one thing accomplished today?" just continue reading to the end where He says: "anyone who wishes to be first shall be last" and "whoever receives one child such as this in my name receives me..." Message received. We do matter. It is important. It is WORTH IT.

Do you not have Faith?

We just returned from vacation in Florida which was beautiful and sunny and quite different from the blizzard that we left and returned home to in Minnesota. But we were happy to come back and wrap our 2 year old Nathaniel in our arms. He got to spend time with our friends and their kids while we were gone and guess what: he loves having siblings. This is how our conversation went the day after we returned home.
N: Mom, is this my home?
A: Yes.
N: Why?
A: Because this is where we live.
N: Why? (you can see what stage he's at)
A: Because you and mommy and daddy live here.
N: Why?
A: Because we are a family.
N: Why?
A: Because God put us together and made us a family.
N: Mom, I want a bigger family.
A: Oh really? Well then you'll have to pray and ask God for more brothers and sisters.

Now, every prayer at bedtime, mealtime, etc starts with "Jesus, more brothers and sisters"

He is just so sweet, I'm thinking for sure God won't be able to say no to him :) but really, I already had a bad case of baby fever and now it's even worse! But honestly, it's just a reminder of my need to be patient and trusting, so those are the things I'm praying for. I know that God laid our family out before I was born and I know that he will bring our children to us exactly when it is right for our family. I KNOW that his plan will bring me so much more joy than anything I could dream up. But I just have to remind myself of that daily. The gospel today was the perfect reminder:

Gospel mk 4:35-41

On that day, as evening drew on, Jesus said to his disciples:
“Let us cross to the other side.”
Leaving the crowd, they took Jesus with them in the boat just as he was.
And other boats were with him.
A violent squall came up and waves were breaking over the boat,
so that it was already filling up.
Jesus was in the stern, asleep on a cushion.
They woke him and said to him,
“Teacher, do you not care that we are perishing?”
He woke up,
rebuked the wind,
and said to the sea, “Quiet! Be still!”
The wind ceased and there was great calm.
Then he asked them, “Why are you terrified?
Do you not yet have faith?”
They were filled with great awe and said to one another,
“Who then is this whom even wind and sea obey?”

 

He is with us on this journey, even when the waves get big and we don't feel him present, he is there and there is never a need to worry. I know I need to just quit worrying and enjoy the ride, enjoy this time with our little family and listening to the direction He is calling us right now, instead of wishing for something different. Today, I'm praying for patience as I wait and also praying to live in the moment and enjoy every second without worrying about the future. I think I'll start by putting that quote on my bathroom mirror: "Do you not have faith?" Of course I do, so then of course there is no reason to worry, only reason to celebrate and be joyful while we wait. :)