Be More Concerned with the Fruit than the Weeds

Be more concerned with the fruit than the weeds. This is a thought I've been reflecting on this summer. One of my very favorite things about summer is gardening. I get so much joy out of taking care of my two vegetable gardens and the flowers around my yard. But I've always had a weird trait; I actually enjoy weeding more than harvesting. I don't know why. I suppose partly because it's calming to sit and pull weeds while my mind relaxes, and partly because it lends to my inner clean freak nature. I think I love to see my garden "clean" even more than my house. And often I take this to the extreme in that I spend so much time weeding I forget or don't realize when it's time to harvest. I laugh at myself because I spent so much time weeding a row of spinach but didn't cut it early enough so it seeded out after just one cutting. My garden was clean as clean could be when my godson proudly plucked a huge cucumber and brought it to show me. I had no idea the cucumbers were ready. Which led us to look closer to see some large zucchini's ready to be picked as well.
Pope Francis says in the Joy of the Gospel "an evangelizing community is always concerned with the fruit, because the Lord wants her to be fruitful. It cares for the grain and does not grow impatient with weeds. The sower does not grumble or overreact at weeds. He finds a way to let the word take flesh in a particular situation and bear fruits of new life, however imperfect or incomplete these may appear."
When I read it, I realized that my weed obsession spreads further than the garden. I have often put so much emphasis on trying to protect my teenagers from the sinful world they live in, trying to shield my son from bad influences. We had so many conversations and I've spent countless hours in worry about the world that my children will grow up in and how difficult it might be for them to flourish amidst all the weeds. And I think so many of us work tirelessly trying to rid the world of weeds, getting frustrated that we aren't making even the smallest dent.
God reminds me today that I need to shift my focus off of the weeds so that I can see the fruit. Because it's the fruit that's important. That maybe if I spend less time worrying about the sin in the world I can't control and more time loving and teaching my children, they will bear fruit. I need to stop pulling weeds and remember to water the dry garden. And maybe most of all, remember that really the only things I have control over is putting the seed in the ground and watering it. God has to do the rest.
I love how Pope Francis says "He finds a way to let the word take flesh in a particular situation and bear fruits of new life, however imperfect or incomplete these may appear." We want ministry and parenthood to be perfect, just like I don't want weeds popping up in my straight, clean rows. But perfect is one thing it will never be. Life is messy, and messy is where God does His best work. I'm finding so much peace in the letting go of perfect and watching God work in the imperfections. I have a feeling He can do even better work among the weeds if we just let Him.
I have a stone walkway at my house, where weeds can grow in between the cracks in the rocks. I learned early not to weed it right away in the spring, because some of the flowers that I planted in my pots from the year before seeded out into the cracks in between the rocks. If I weed as soon as they pop up, I can't tell what is a flower and what is a weed, and I pull all of them together. But if I wait a while, I can see what they are becoming and save the flowers. I just look at the beauty of the flowers and smile because as hard as I work I could never ever plant anything as beautiful as what God does in this unusual place.
We want life to be black and white, as easy as things being weeds and flowers. But God uses all kinds of situations to spread His word as long as we will let go of the need for it to be perfect. So please join me in praying for us to let go of our constant worry and fretting about the weeds instead focusing on the fruit, and the good God is doing in the weeds.

God is Good...Every Time

My son has a book called "God is Good, All the Time." I've used that phrase a million times at camps and retreats. It's amazing how reminding ourselves that God is indeed good can make the biggest or smallest struggles seem manageable. Why should we worry, when our God is so good? Well, we were reading the book a while ago when I would say the first part he would say God is good, every time! I tickled him, "no silly boy, it's all the time" We went to the next page and I said the first part and he said "God is good, every time!" I tried to correct him again but he insisted that the correct words were "every time". So we finished the book with him saying "God is good, every time" after every page. And I realized part of the way through the book, that he was right. His words are better. We use the phrase "oh he always does that" or "she does that all the time" often to mean that someone usually does something, but it doesn't necessarily mean they always do. But when we say "he does that every time" it means, EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. Without exception.

I think it's easy for us to say that God is good when we are enjoying a beautiful summer day at the lake with our family, sitting around the bonfire looking at the stars, when a new baby is born, when my kids are making me laugh, or during praise and worship. But God is good during the good moments, the boring moments, and the tough ones. God was so good during the loss of my children, the way that He comforted me, met my needs, and allowed me a closeness to Him that was so special. God is good when I'm having a bad parenting day and I turn to Him to give me the grace I need to be more loving. God is good when He shows forgiveness that I haven't been able to give to others. God was good when Jesus hung on the cross in what seemed to be a hopeless situation, just as He was good to the first disciples as they faced opposition while bringing people to Christ.

I can't become overwhelmed or discouraged by a situation when I can simply recall all of the times that I have clearly been able to see that God is good. I can trust that this time too, God is good, even if I can't see it right now. Because God is good, every time. And that knowledge changes the whole game.

"God, thank you for being so good to us. Help us to praise you and know of your goodness in every moment, every situation. Let the knowledge of your goodness give us peace and calm our worry. Remind us of your goodness when we forget. Amen"

Lessons from a 4 year old: How the Cross Makes you Really Really Fast

Yesterday my dear four year old came to me as proud as ever with marker drawn on his arms telling me that he found a marker in the bathroom. You moms all know how this goes, they are proud, you are horrified at the mess or disaster created and they are pretty sure they are the next Picasso. Well, the next words out of his mouth did surprise me, but in a whole other way. He said "I drew the sign of the cross on my wrists so that I could run really, really, really, really, really, really (insert 10 more really's) really fast. As I looked closer on his wrist sure enough, they weren't random marks, they were crosses, one on each wrist.

It's a proud parent moment when you get to see that your four year old realizes that God can make us better. He loves to run and is always looking to be faster. He has certain shirts he calls his "fast" shirts, and often has to change into shorts because he can go faster in those too. But I just absolutely love that he decided above all of that that clearly the cross would make him fastest of all.

Hebrews 12:1-3 says

"Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses,

let us rid ourselves of every burden and sin that clings to us

and persevere in running the race that lies before us

while keeping our eyes fixed on Jesus, the leader and perfecter of faith.

For the sake of the joy that lay before him he endured the cross,

despising its shame, and has taken his seat at the right of the throne of God.

Consider how he endured such opposition from sinners,

in order that you may not grow weary and lose heart."

How absolutely right my son is, that not only does God - keeping our eyes fixed on Jesus - help us in our race, but truly focusing on the cross itself, not just as a sign for Jesus but as a motivational reminder, is key. When we look at the cross and consider what he endured as the third verse says, then we will not grow weary or lose heart with the obstacles we are facing because it's nothing compared to what He went through. 

The verse and the cross both call us to shed our sin. It's slowing us down! And if we think we can't, just look at the cross. We can, because of the cross, because He embraced that cross, we have the power to overcome the sins that cling to us, that slow us down, that hold us back from the life we were made to live, the race we were made to run.  

I'm called to consider, by a four year old who found a marker, a question: am I relying on the cross to help me finish this race, or am I looking to other things instead? I'll reflect on that as I'm scrubbing the marker off of the wall in the bathroom...consider how he endured such opposition...it's just a little ink. :)

 

Just Keep Trying

If any of you ever watch "Daniel Tiger's Neighborhood" with your kids you might be familiar with the catchy tune: Just keep trying...you'll get better. I love that show for the great lessons it teaches my 4 year old. Each show has a short jingle that they sing to reinforce the lesson of the day and honestly at first I thought they were really annoying but after a while I noticed that I could use them during the day when we encountered those types of situations and they really helped my son. I even started to notice him singing them to himself.
So recently, one of the episodes featured the "just keep trying" jingle and I feel like ever since it's been popping up in my life all over the place.
For example, one day last week I had a terrible day. You know those "I'm crabby, the kids are crabby, and everything that can go wrong does", kind of days. I felt horrible and texted a friend at the end of the night how I wish there was a re-do button for that day because of the terrible mom job I did that day. Of course she texted she was sorry but there is no re-do button, but there is always tomorrow. She was right, and as Daniel Tiger was singing "just keep trying, you'll get better" in my ear, I promised tomorrow I would try harder. And guess what? I did, and I was.
I think sometimes we do a disservice to each other by excusing the act of settling. You'll find a million blog posts about moms who refuse to try so hard and have succumbed to the fact that they will never be supermom. I'm not advocating that its necessary to be supermom, but instead that there's a healthy balance where we realize we aren't perfect, but we keep trying to be better moms, better wives, better Christians. In the strike against trying to pretend like we have it all together or always being the best, some have slumped to the extreme other end of not trying at all and excusing it as them not masquerading as super-mom. It can be easy for me to fall into this slump as we are so quickly to help each other excuse away our mom-flaws and bad habits. But I know at the end of the day when I lay in bed recounting the day, the guilt and remorse I am feeling over the day isn't stemming from comparing myself to any other moms, but from the knowledge deep inside me that I was made better than that. I was made to love greatly, to love better, to love even on my crabby days, even on the kid's crabby days, even when the washing machine leaks all over the floor and the toilet won't stop running. I'm not trying to be like other moms, I'm trying to be like Jesus. It's not an unhealthy thing to compare myself to Him. As our primary example, it's necessary.
So, friends, please don't excuse my bad behaviors. Yes, I'm sleep deprived, and my husband has been working long hours and I can argue with my son to get dressed in my sleep because we've done it every day for a month. But those excuses are so weak compared to the strength of the Holy Spirit that promises to give me what I need for this very important work. This theme flows from motherhood to work struggles, strained relationships, people I fail to love well, the list goes on and on. I know when I am feeling discouraged or beating myself up about a failure, it's not Daniel tiger's voice whispering in my ear "just keep trying", but a much more familiar one. My prayer is that I can always reply, "Ok, Father, thanks for the encouragement and thanks for believing in me, I'll keep trying."

Offering prayers for you in your "trying!"

Give Me Jesus

This morning at Mass I had the privilege of singing a beautiful song with our very talented praise band. And even though I've sang the words to that song a hundred times, I couldn't help but be captivated by their very simple and very profound words: "You can have all this world, give me Jesus"

You see, this is what I love about Lent, because the closer we get to Holy Week, the more intense it gets. This is where the boys are separated from the men. This is when we're forced to face the reality of the depth of our faith. There's no "my yolk is easy" talk now, instead Jesus says follow me, and it won't be easy, it will cost you everything, but it will be worth it. Read this from the gospel this morning:

"Some Greeks who had come to worship at the Passover Feast
came to Philip, who was from Bethsaida in Galilee,
and asked him, “Sir, we would like to see Jesus.”
Philip went and told Andrew;
then Andrew and Philip went and told Jesus.
Jesus answered them,
“The hour has come for the Son of Man to be glorified.
Amen, amen, I say to you,
unless a grain of wheat falls to the ground and dies,
it remains just a grain of wheat;
but if it dies, it produces much fruit.
Whoever loves his life loses it,
and whoever hates his life in this world
will preserve it for eternal life.
Whoever serves me must follow me,
and where I am, there also will my servant be.
The Father will honor whoever serves me. Jn 12:20-26
I don't think it matters who we are - a normal church-goer, a priest, a missionary, an addict - this verse hits us all where it hurts the most. At Mass this morning our priest spoke about asking a teenager if he could give up his cell phone for just one day and the mortified response he got. But the reason this verse hurts isn't because he's asking us to give up a cell phone, or sin, or money, or even a job. That's the easy stuff. It's easy to swap out the bad stuff and replace it with Christ. But the reason that this terrifies me is that He doesn't just ask for the bad, He asks for the good too. When I think about the things I'm hanging on to in this life, it's not cell phones or money or material things at all. It's people.

This is where it gets hard. Do I love Jesus enough to give everything, even the most sacred treasure I have on this earth, my family, if I was asked to? When I pray can I truly pray "you can have ALL this world" and truly mean ALL of them?

I was thinking about this as we drove home from church, and how the author of the book "The Hardest Peace" and blog Mundane Faithfulness, Kara Tippetts, really understands this so much better than most of us. As a wife and mother of young children fighting a losing battle with cancer, she writes about her love for her family, but that clinging to even the best gifts we're given here is missing out on the greater promise. Marriage, family, the love that we experience here on earth is just a sign of what waits for us in heaven. But Kara says "we lack imagination for what we can't see, feel, smell and taste. We are reckless in our grasping for more time, and forget the best is yet to come. We simply have so little imagination for our forever home, and yet I feel Jesus is very gentle with us in our lack of understanding" (The Hardest Peace, pg 104 - Seriously, read the whole book, it's so good!) I know that God is using Kara's story to challenge my heart. And this evening, her husband posted on her blog that she passed away today.

The reading for today continued with Jesus's prayer:
“I am troubled now. Yet what should I say?
‘Father, save me from this hour’?
But it was for this purpose that I came to this hour.
Father, glorify your name.”
Then a voice came from heaven,
“I have glorified it and will glorify it again.” Jn 12:27-29

Kara or her husband or children would not have been blamed for having asked God to save her. Even Jesus was troubled with what the Father was asking of Him. But Kara understood there is a bigger picture, and that it was for this purpose that she came. Having shared her story and the heart of Christ with thousands of people, God is certainly glorifying His name through her. And I'm sure she has already realized it was worth it.

When I think about the life, my 3 boys, that I want to cling to, I have to pray for faith like Jesus. That when faced with the ultimate sacrifices, I won't ask to be saved, but instead understand that quite possibly it was for this purpose that I am here, and only that God's name be glorified. I think for all of us this is a daily struggle, to stay focused on Jesus. So I will try and fail, try again, and pray. Pray for faith like Jesus, that the words "you can have all this world, give me Jesus" transform from song lyrics into a heartfelt prayer, and then a life lived out.

Give me Jesus

Take a few minutes to listen to the song and pray it. https://youtu.be/wS4JQi4dgvg

Keep Making Me...The Lesson it took 30 years to Learn (Includes Samuel's Story)

Today is my 30th birthday. My friends and family know I haven't been looking forward to this day since I turned 29. I've always been a kid-at-heart and really enjoyed my youth. Each year, I feel less able to connect with the youth I minister to. I notice my body struggle more to do the things that used to be so easy. It's tough getting older, (and yes, my dear older friends, I can just picture you're eyes rolling as you read this). I know 30 isn't OLD and that I should be enjoying it, and I am. But it's inevitable that a milestone birthday makes you stop and evaluate your life. I'm sure I'm not the only one who at the age of 30 has thought "I thought by the age of 30 I would have _____________". The answers to that are endless, but for me I started thinking about what I used to think my life would be like, and what it is now. And I thought it a fitting time to finally tell you the story of how Samuel came to be in our family.

Most people that know us know that I suffer from recurrent pregnancy loss which has resulted in the loss of every child we have conceived. Over the first 5 years of our marriage we lost 5 children, one each year. It wasn't easy for me to get pregnant, and the first 3 years we were actively trying, even working with medical intervention. But what we haven't shared with many, is in 2014 we lost 3 more children. Something clearly changed in my body that made it easier for me to get pregnant, but unfortunately did not change my ability to sustain the pregnancy. The first pregnancy wasn't a shock, but the second and then the third were hard to handle. There's a physical toll on my body, but its the emotional one that makes 3 pregnancies in a span of 6 months so difficult. There's hope and then feeling stupid for hoping, there's constant worry that I stood up too fast, was too active, too stressed or did something else to jeopardize the pregnancy. Any expectant mom knows, it doesn't matter how many doctors tell you there's nothing you can do, you always feel like you need control, so you control what you can, like moving and eating. Because the worst feeling of all, the one that consumes me when I am pregnant, is that I am simply waiting for my child to die, and there's absolutely nothing I can do. In my opinion, there is no greater pain in the entire world, except watching your child suffer while you can do nothing to stop it. In experiencing these two things I have learned on a deeper level about the love my God has for me, because He did both for me, and He CHOSE it. He could have done something about it, but He didn't, for me.

You'll often hear me reference that it has been in the darkest times in my life that I have felt the closest to God, and also those times when I have grown in holiness. With my first miscarriages, while I can look back and realize this, I didn't see or feel it at the time, and I was very hurt, bitter and angry. Through a lot of spiritual growth, my pregnancies are less painful in the spiritual sense because I know my God is with me and giving me the strength to get through it. I know He isn't punishing me or taking my children from me, and I know that He is using my hurts and brokenness to bring about something greater. Knowing all of these things allows me to just try to enjoy that for a short time I get the gift of this beautiful life, this miracle, living inside of me. I soak up the closeness I feel to Jesus as He draws near to comfort me during a difficult time. But even though anger and bitterness are gone, grief over the loss of my child always remains.

When I found myself pregnant for the 8th time, I found myself in a special prayer where I asked God to save this child, and He replied gently: "your plan or Mine?" I knew He was right, so even though it broke my heart, I didn't ask Him to go against His plan and save my child, instead I asked Him to comfort me.

Three weeks later, on July 10th, baby Augie went to heaven. No amount of understanding makes that part easier. I can't explain the pain of holding your lifeless child in the palm of your hand. From my first to my eighth, they have each equally hurt and caused a pain to the depth of my very soul. God's gift to me, is in the midst of that pain, He meets me. He doesn't take away the pain, but He gives me what I need to handle it. And in those darkest, most horrible moments He has changed my heart and allowed me to know Him on a deeper level and for that reason alone, I am grateful for my suffering. I won't ask that it be taken, and I will embrace any new pain, because it draws me nearer to Him, and to be near to Him is what I was made for and all I truly desire, whether I realize it at the time or not.

God isn't just using this pain to help me grow in holiness, He's also using it to bring about His magnificent plan. A lot of doctors visits ended with a surgery drug out 3 weeks after Augie was born. After a lot of prayer, and at one specific Mass, my husband and I both felt God telling us that He was going to grow our family through adoption. We had been hoping to adopt over the last year, but were still waiting. And then, the phone rang. Home recovering from the surgery on July 31st, I received a phone call from our Social Worker telling us about a potential foster care placement that would most likely lead to adoption. The baby wasn't even born yet, and the birth parents were willing place the baby for adoption if they were happy with the foster family chosen. "Would we be interested?" It's hard not to laugh at that question, or scream at the top of my lungs "OF COURSE!" After a little more information from another social worker, we arranged a meeting with the birth mother. I've never wanted anyone to like me so badly in my whole life! Luckily, we instantly connected. I'd always heard that there is a special connection with a birth parent, but never understood until then. We truly love her and could easily be good friends.

*Killing time before meeting Samuel's birthmom because we got there like an hour and a half early. Can you tell we were excited and nervous!?

The baby was due at the end of the week, and we went home and waited for the phone call. Finally, after the longest week of my life, they scheduled her to be induced after going over her due date. We were blessed to be there for the entire labor and delivery where I grew to love this woman even more. After spending 9 months giving her body for this child, now she suffered such pain for a child she would not keep. I watched her and I felt so helpless. Wanting so badly to take away her pain, not knowing the right words to say, and feeling guilty because this should be my pain and not hers. But all I could do was pray. And when she held that beautiful baby in her arms and told him how much she loved him as she handed him to me, my heart couldn't contain the sorrow and joy that I was experiencing. Sorrow again in the helpless feeling of wanting to ease her pain, and joy in seeing the beauty of God's plan. Just a month ago, I handed my child over to Him, and as always, my God is trustworthy and has turned my sorrow to dancing. I know He will do the same for Samuel's birth mom who offered the same trust in Him as she handed her child over.

We named him Samuel, because it means "asked of God" (Go read the book of 1 Samuel) Hannah is barren and prays for a child and God grants her request. What we liked the most was this line: "For this child I prayed and the Lord has granted my petition. Therefore, for as long as he lives, he is given to the Lord." 1 Samuel 27-28 After years of praying and waiting for a child, Hannah wouldn't have been blamed for having held tight to her precious gift, but instead she takes him to live with Eli to serve God. Our Samuel is my child, and he is his birth mom's child, but most of all He is God's, and therefore, he has always been given to God, but it was especially special at his baptism to make our promise official.

Photo credit of the two above to my AMAZINGLY talented and wondeful friend Ashley Stoel

For the last 7 months, our hearts have overflowed with the joy in bringing Samuel home and settling in to our family of four. Nathaniel loves being a big brother and I would argue he's the best one I've ever met, constantly giving sweet kisses, offering a toy or kind word when he's crying, and doing anything that will make him laugh. We are so so happy. And yet, here I am on my 30th birthday writing a post about 30 not being what I expected. Yes, it's not what I expected. Not at all what I envisioned or planned or even strove toward.  I learned a long time ago that God's plan is so much better than mine. But the lesson it took 30 years to learn and will probably take 30 more to master is that it really isn't the things that happen in life that are important, but instead that I allow those things to bring me closer to Him. Instead of thinking "I thought by the age of 30 I would have more kids" or "I thought by 30 I would have been farther along in my professional career" I should instead be saying "I never thought by the time I would 30 I would know God this intimately." I should be saying "By the time I'm 40 I want to be so connected to His love, His presence, His will, that's its hard to tell the difference between where I end and He begins." And if it takes 30 more years of suffering and pain to make that happen, I'll gladly walk that road, because the company is like none other.

I feel like the song "Keep Making Me" by Sidewalk Prophets says the same thing I just did but so much better. Take some time to pray it, especially during lent when we strip everything else away so we can see what really matters. Here are the lyrics:

Make me broken
So I can be healed
‘Cause I’m so calloused
And now I can’t feel
I want to run to You
With heart wide open
Make me broken

Make me empty
So I can be filled
‘Cause I’m still holding
Onto my will
And I’m completed
When you are with me
Make me empty

[Chorus:]
‘Til You are my one desire
‘Til You are my one true love
‘Til You are my breath, my everything
Lord, please keep making me

Make me lonely
So I can be Yours
‘Til I want no one
More than You, Lord
‘Cause in the darkness
I know You will hold me
Make me lonely

It's HOW you Say It

This is scary. For the first time ever I am starting to type with absolutely no idea how this is going to end. In my earliest writing years my High School English teachers taught me the importance of an outline before you being to write. It's to easy to lose focus, or jump around and not make any sense if you write without a plan. Not that I typically write out an outline before each blog post, but I do generally know the theme or point I'm trying to make before I start to write. Just like other posts, this topic has been brewing in my mind for a while, the problem is, I'm still not sure what the solution is. Or maybe what the lesson I need to learn yet is? But I'm feeling called to write about it, so praying, God, that you teach me while we go here.
You see, I'm struggling with the way evil works within our church. I love the Catholic Church and the beautiful gifts the church has to offer. I believe none of us would know about Christ if it weren't for organized religion. I also believe our God knows that we need each other, we need structure, and we need guidance. I could go on and on for the reasons I know that we need the global church. BUT, a church made up of sinful people is a scary thing, because it means that within such a beautiful thing is also a lot of ugly. I have been blessed in my working with and for the church to see church in it's most glorious forms: reaching out and serving as the body of Christ, lifting our voices to heaven in unison, healing, teaching, bringing hearts closer to Christ. But I have also seen it at it's worst. Pride, anger, jealousy, gossip, selfishness....I've often said there is more conflict than ever when it comes to things concerning the church because when someone passionately believes they are doing the work of Christ they will often stop at nothing to follow through. Sadly, that often can mean they are blind to the hurt they are causing as they focus on their end goal. Do bad people work in the church? Probably. (although, that brings up a whole other topic of "is anyone truly "bad") So its probably safer to say, there are most likely people working for the church for the wrong reasons. But most of time, there are well intentioned people who have just let a sin that they struggle with get in the way of doing the work of God, and they don't see it because they see that they are doing the work of God they think they're supposed to be doing.
So, what's the answer then, because it's this dysfunction in church that causes so many people to run the other direction. The smallest conflict or the really big ones can feel so completely opposite of the real true love we are seeking when we seek out church, it's easy to want to distance ourselves from it. I'm often tempted to throw in the towel, despite my intense love for the Catholic Church and my church family. And I find myself thinking, if I am this tempted to give up the fight, then what can I say to those on the edges, to keep them from walking away too?
Recently, we've been talking a lot about how you say things. As we discipline our kids, as we argue with our spouses, that the actual words you say are so much less important as the WAY that you say them. You can say the exact same phrases, but say them with love and they are 100 times more effective. We always want our kids to know that we love them, even when they make the worst decisions. Just like we always want our spouses to know we love them, even when we completely disagree on an important issue. Because once there is fear that love isn't there anymore, whatever the real issue was is no longer being worked on. Instead, fear and hurt take center stage. They'll be no communicating your point after that, you now need to earn back their trust before you can go any further.
I know when I find myself in the midst of the "ugly" of church, there's a reason the words "Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things" 1 Cor 13:7 have been echoing in my mind. Love is the only answer. If we want church to work, we have to step aside and just love. That means we have to admit that "our way" isn't the "only way" and that it's more important to speak words of love than to be right. Can I still disagree? Yes, but I have to do it with love. And just like in my marriage I have to pick my battles, realize I'm not the only one this is about, and be willing to change as much as I'm asking someone else to.
I can easily look back in my life and see where my focus on the end result caused me to completely miss the opportunities God was giving me to love someone. As my faith matures, I know no matter how important I deem the fight for Christ, never does it justify the hurt of another person. If I can ask myself, "am I acting with kindness and love?" and the answer is "no" then I have to step back. Because then, I've become the problem with church. 
"Love is patient, love is kind; love is not envious or boastful or arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice in wrongdoing, but rejoices in the truth." 1 Cor 13:4-6.
I know, it probably seems like whatever issues you are facing are too big for this to work. That's kind of how I felt this morning. Discouraged. I'm only one person and I feel called to a problem that's so much bigger than I am. How can a tiny bit of love possibly fix it? Because this morning he showed me that a tiny bit of love is all He needs to work with:

My 4 year old son really wanted to blow bubbles. Since there was a snowstorm going outside and since I'm running for mom-of-the-year :) I decided we'd give it a try in the bathroom. It's multi-tasking because then once the suds get all over the floor, I'll wipe it up and ...ta-da! Clean floors! Anyway, we had fun blowing bubbles in the bathroom but I noticed quickly that the fun was short lived with each bubble as gravity quickly pulled them down to pop on the ground. Inside, in this enclosed bathroom, without the gentle breeze to take them up into the air, they fall as soon as they begin. Just like our efforts when we try to do it on our own. Without the Holy Spirit, we fail as soon as we start. But ask Him to enter in, and He takes us farther than we'd ever imagined possible.

God, I know you care more than we do about your church and about the people the church serves. Bless our work. Help us see when we are hurting instead of helping. Above all, help us to love in every situation, that truly we can share the light of Christ.

P.S. that was pretty awesome watching you pull that blog post together. You are good. :)

*A little disclaimer: While this post was spurred by a recent church meeting I attended, it's the result of many conversations and experiences over multiple years and not that meeting. If you would, please join me praying for our church community as we face some changes and work to better carry out the mission of the gospel. I'd love to pray for your church as well if you share the name in the comments.