Ten years ago God set our family on a new path. I think we might have even thought for a while we were making a sacrifice, when instead, it was just the beginning to an abundance of blessing we had no idea was even possible. Ten years ago we were meeting our son Nathaniel for the first time, but he wasn't our son. He had another mom, who loved him greatly. And we were only taking care of him for 6 months until she thought she would be able to care for him herself.
The decision to do this, on our part, was a letting go of dreams and wishes and plans that we had for our life. The plans we had after we got married to have 10 babies (yes, that was seriously the plan, and even funnier: I hoped and prayed to have twins/triplets/quadruplets so I could "get back to work sooner". It's ok if you want to go back in time and talk some sense in to me, I'd appreciate it.) But my body wasn't cooperating with the plan. One by one, year after year, my babies died after I'd heard their beating hearts but before they ever took a breath of air. I buried them in the ground along with pieces of my heart but I could never bury my plan to have a baby. I held it tightly in my hands, clenching tighter with each loss. Each time I felt it slipping away I tried even harder to hold on.
"Unless a grain of wheat falls to the ground and dies, it remains just a grain of wheat; but if it dies, it produces much fruit. Whoever loves his life loses it, and whoever hates his life in this world will preserve it for eternal life." Jn 12:22
God so gently tried to convince me to just let go of it, to leave my hands open for something different instead. Its a lot easier to let go of something bad we know we shouldn't hold on to. But this was good. Why would God want me to let go of something good like having a baby, being a mom, raising a family? I didn't know why, but I knew that holding tight to something I THOUGHT would bring me joy was actually making me miserable because I had convinced myself I could not be happy if God didn't give me this one thing I wanted. I knew that God was good. I knew that He wanted me to be happy even more than I did. And I knew that many many times before I had thrown my hands open trusting Him to do just that and He always had. So I let go, painfully. I buried my dreams in the dirt. I cried so many tears, I felt I was letting go of everything I had ever wanted. But I also trusted He had something even better for me that I couldn't see. And for the first time in a long time, I was at peace. I was a child who knew she was being taken care of by her father.
I had no idea at that very moment our 10 year olds heart was already beating below his mothers. I had no idea that the very next day someone would walk into my office, tell me about Nathaniel and God would begin to reveal His greater plan for us. I had no idea I could possibly love a little boy so much or the way he would transform our hearts and lives. I had no idea that the death of my plans to have 10 children would lead to God blessing me with even more than 10 children. But that's exactly what he did. Nathaniel, (born on the feast of St. Joseph, the patron saint of foster parents because God finds it humerus to be blatantly obvious with us) led us to the ministry of foster care, something we "fell into", not something we never set out to do. Foster care, allowed God to drop children in our laps. After years of waiting to get pregnant, waiting 9 months for a baby to be born, now we would get phone calls and babies would be at our doorstep within a few days, hours or even minutes.
After years of wishing for "twins" or "triplets" we often found ourselves with 2 or 3 children all the same age. For a good 6 years we had 3 kids in diapers at almost all times. (Careful what you pray for!) And not only was God blessing us with children to care for, He was adding their birth families to our family as well. This ministry drew other church members and friends into the circle of our family as God changed what the word family meant to us. This way of blessing us has also come with sacrifice, pain, heartache, but never that which has exceeded the blessing.
Ten years ago I thought I was asking for something great as I hoped to give birth to 10 children, or even just one child. But now I know, what I was asking for then was so much less than what God wanted to bless me with. And He had to withhold what I was asking for, so that He could give me the greater things already in the works.
Since Christmas, Nathaniel has been asking for a Nerf bow and arrow. He was disappointed not to get it at Christmas and he's been anticipating it for his birthday. He has asked over and over again. He made me a list of 3 things he wanted, this toy bow and arrow at the top. "Even if you can't get everything else mom, please can you get me the Nerf bow and arrow?" he would plead.
What he didn't know, was that even back before Christmas we had ordered him a REAL bow and 7 REAL arrows. We had intended to give them to him at Christmas but they were back-ordered so we decided to wait until his birthday. All this time, while he's been begging for the fake, the pretend, the lesser gift, we have set in motion to give him something greater that he himself has not even yet thought to ask for.
Yesterday, we had party for Nathaniel and his friends. We piled up boxes of pizzas loaded with cheese and toppings, poured glass upon glass of soda, and dished out huge slices of rich chocolate cake. And they would feast, and then run off to play and leave a table filled with leftovers. Half-eaten pieces of cake, pizza slices with just a few bites out of them, cups half full of pop or juice. Lets be honest, if this was a normal day I would have scolded my children for being wasteful. But we were feasting. I had been doling out huge portions of cake and saying, eat more pizza, there is so much left! So I wasn't upset when they couldn't finish it all. Actually, I looked at it and thought of God's goodness. This is the way He loves us. Lavishly. Over-abundantly. He gives us "too much" grace because He can. "Too many" blessings because it's fun for him the way it's fun to give a ten year old the biggest piece of cake they've ever had. He offers us more than we can possibly handle. Does He wish we could take it all in? Absolutely. But is He so generous and good that He keeps dishing out huge portions for us even if we will only take a single bite? Yes.
This is the cross. This is the Good Friday we will celebrate so very soon. His sacrifice opens for us eternity in paradise and a whole life of blessing and we often take it for granted or walk away from the table all together. He offers us himself each Sunday, and many of us never show up for the feast. He offers to take our burdens upon His own shoulders so we can live free and at peace, and we often cling on and continue to carry those burdens ourselves. But how He loves us. Even though we keep "wasting" it, He keeps dishing it out, hoping this time, we'll drink it up.
I take them for granted a lot of days, these 5 blessings that live here and the many more who live in other houses now. I forget, I fail, I go through the motions, I walk away from the table hungry when it's set with a feast. But some days, like today, I see the half-eaten cake, see the sparkle in their eyes, feel their soft hand in mine, hear the miraculous word "mom" that they speak to me. Their giggles wash over me like waves and their smiles are medicine to my soul. Has a smile with a missing tooth ever been any more adorable in the history of the world? Have the softly whispered, "I love you, or I'm sorry" ever sounded so much like music? Today I feast on His blessings that are so abundant and I wonder how its possible that eye has not seen anything like the blessings He has in store for us in Heaven.
It is already set in motion, the way He plans to abundantly bless us. But we will have to open our hand to receive it, and that means we will have to let go of the things we are holding on to so tightly. And that is hard. But not as hard when we remember just how much He wants to bless us. Not when we compare the seed of our sacrifice to the tree of blessings He will grow from it.
Nathaniel kept asking for his fake bow and arrow and I kept saying "do you want that more than the gift Dad has for you?" to which I could see his internal struggle and then he would painfully say "no." But he still had his heart set on it. So on the morning of his birthday as he finally opened his REAL gift, he was thrilled to get it but we could also tell he was disappointed after all the gifts were opened that he did not also get the fake bow he had spent so many hours wishing for. We have to be careful, being so specific about the blessings we ask to receive. We have to be careful if we're asking for things that are counterfeit to real grace. Because then, when the real blessings come, when the GREAT gifts are given, we might not even fully appreciate them if we've had our hearts set on the fake gifts instead. Do we ask for things instead of love? Do we ask for situations to go the way we want instead of asking for what is best for all? Do we remember and trust that if we stick a seed in the ground it will only grow when and how the creator wills it?
What are you asking your Father for today? There is no one on this earth who wants better for you than He does. That is a promise I will stake my life on. So go ahead and just let go.
"Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who seeks, finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened. Which one of you would hand his son a stone, when he asks for a loaf of bread, or a snake when he asks for a fish? If you then, who are wicked, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your heavenly Father give good things to those who ask him." Mt 7:7-11
We don't need to be so specific. Just ask for blessings. He knows better than we do what is a fish and what is a snake. Often, probably always, what we are asking for is so much less than what He wants to give us. What if we opened our hands to just receive whatever it is He is giving out? What if we came to the table and really feasted on what was put before us?
My hands are open Lord and my dreams are buried in the dirt and I am at peace.
