And we're just entering into the hardest season in Minnesota where it's dark more than it's light and the cold isolates us and chills our bones.
Foster care has been such a blessing to our family. And lately, it has been very hard. The two sweeties we raised the last nine months transitioned home in October. Our Tiny who is now a growing two year old returned to our home in September after a difficult 11 months. The transitions of all three brings so many emotions. So much joy, so much sorrow, so much worry. The hard is in the emotions and in the day to day keeping up with everyone, communicating with social workers and birth families all while trying to provide some elements of normalcy and stability for our kids. The hard is days that end in defiant tantrums that have nothing to do with going to bed and everything to do with feeling unloved by a birth-mom, trauma memories or missing a sibling. The hard is watching my children struggle at school because of things that happened to them as infants. The hard is hearing people talk about children like they are an object to be given as a reward for good behavior or a legal piece of property with no emotions. The hardest is that I can't fix any of it. As much as I try and think I can control it, I really can't. Little things, I can make small tiny improvements maybe. But I alone cannot fix these things that are bigger than little me.
I set these pumpkins out in early November, usually a good time to decorate with pumpkins, but this year, snow and freezing temps came early. I'm not a big fan of people skipping over thanksgiving and jumping right into Christmas, but I couldn't help thinking as I looked as these pumpkins surrounded by snow, as snow came down in blizzard fashion like it was the middle of January, that it is hard to be in thanksgiving spirit when it looks like Christmas already.
It's hard to be thankful when the snow is falling, and it's hard to be thankful when life seems so hard.
But I also decided that giving thanks when it doesn't come easy, is the best thanks of all. It's easy when life is good to list off our blessings. But when life is hard, we have to be intentional about being thankful, it might not come naturally. But if we can be intentional, we might find our blessings multiply. "Thank you for good health" becomes "thank you for caregivers, hospitals, medicine, a rare good nights sleep, a remembered note from a friend, a warm bath, a deep breath." "Thank you for a good harvest" is instead "thank you for safety, time with family, help from a neighbor, solidarity with another who is struggling, reliance on God." "Thank you for answered prayer" is instead "thank you for friends who listened and prayed yet again, for showing us we could in fact make it one more day, for strength, for courage, for all the growth hidden in hardship." When giving thanks gets harder, it also seems there is more to be thankful for.
I can't change the weather, and I can't fix so many of the hard situations that have collided into my life. And I realize now I'm most thankful that I can't. I'm thankful He is God, and I am not. I'm thankful it's not up to me to decide the weather and I'm thankful it's not up to me to fix any of those things because I have no idea how or where to start. I am thankful I don't have to keep carrying it all, keep trying to fix it all, keep worrying about it all. I am thankful I can simply entrust it to God, do all I can and know He will do what's best.
It is hard, sometimes, often. It's not a short sprint but a marathon-type of hard and we seem to have just gotten started. A lot of days, I am not thankful. I complain. I look for a way out. The end seems a very long way away. Those days are really hard. But some days, even though its hard to be, I am thankful. I look for things to be thankful for, and I find more than I realized I had. Being thankful twists and spins hard situations into reasons for praise. Being thankful reminds me I am not God. Being thankful reminds me I am not in control. And wow am I thankful for all of those things because they bring me peace!
I know it's been a hard year for a lot of us. Praying for you this week and this next year, that when it's hard to be thankful, you can still be thankful and find that you are more blessed than ever.
