Right now there is a 7 month old baby sleeping upstairs who I have cared for as my own his entire life minus 3 days. Every time he cries at night I am there to feed him, to comfort him. Every new thing he has learned, I have watched/taught/rejoiced with him. He looks to me and reaches for me, he cries when I walk out of the room. Every day for 7 months I have never let him down, I have always been there when he needed something. In my heart he is my child, and in his heart, I am his mom. But on paper, he is a foster child, with another mother who shares his blood, and a handful of other social workers, attorneys and judges that have the right to make decisions about him, and I am simply "foster home 1". Fear reminds me of this often. Every time I watch him giggling as his brothers jump around him making silly noises to make him laugh, as the joy is about to overflow in my heart, fear wonders if their tiny hearts will have to suffer the loss of another sibling who they love as their own. Every time I see him sitting on Dan's lap looking like the happiest baby in the world, fear reminds me this may not be forever. I find myself everyday feeling so stuck in the middle of complete bliss with this incredible family I've been given, and incredible fear and despair of the inability to protect and care for our child.
I know in my head that worry and fear are born of a lack of trust. Apparently, then I still don't trust God. This was news to me as I've spent most of my life trying to follow where He's leading, and I've trusted Him quite a bit along the way. It's actually, I suppose what got me here to this messy place. But its true, that if I am so fearful, so worried, it's because I am not trusting God to take care of me and this little boy. I have once again tried to jump into the drivers seat and take control, which is pretty ridiculous since I don't have a map and have no idea where we're going.
Every time he looks into my eyes with that true love gaze that only a mother and child share, fear tries to steal that moment with the reality that this child may be taken from me. And each time that fear sneaks in, God whispers "don't be afraid." He reminds me of the other 4 children in my home, and how each one is here because we weren't "too" afraid to take a risk of getting our hearts broken. That even though some of their situations drug on for years, it was all ok even though I had so many fears.
It's been one of the longest winters many of us have ever known. It was freezing in October, cold all winter and we've had blizzard after blizzard well into April. It's been hard to believe that spring will come. But we know it will, because it does every year. Just like I know He is right when He tells me it will all be ok. Because it is ok. It's not always the outcome that I want, but He makes it all ok.
I'm still finding my way navigating this place in between joy and fear. Some days I can live in the moment, focus on today, and those are really wonderful days. Some days, I let fear steal the joy from these moments, and take the beauty that God is giving me in the moment. But He is patient with me as I learn and re-learn and re-re-learn this lesson on trust. Why wouldn't I trust him? Its hard to answer when I look at the faces around my dining room table. He has brought me this far, I know He will do what's best in this situation too.
I spoke to a group of new foster parents last week, and I honestly felt terribly as I was asked questions about some of our experiences with foster care and especially our current situation. I was so afraid they would be scared away from doing foster care because I thought I might have run away if I had heard those things 5 years ago. But when put on the spot to give one final piece of advice to them, all I could say was "don't be afraid". I know it sounds horrible to give your heart away over and over again just to have it broken. I know it seems like you could never deal with the pain of knowing your child thinks you abandoned them because you never came for them after someone took them away. But that's fear telling you that you can't do it. That's fear that makes you want to run the other direction, away from where you're being called. That's fear that makes you imagine things that might never happen or makes you fearful you won't be able to handle things when they do happen.
I've been there, but I've also been on the other side of horrible. And it is horrible, and yet, God is there too, so I did actually survive it. "I wouldn't trade one minute" I told the foster parents that day. I wouldn't give back one minute with any of those children to save myself a heartache. God knows the joy is worth it, even if it's a short time. He knows He'll be there for us and for these children using all the good and bad to bring about His plan for all of our lives. Why am I always listening to the voice of the liar, instead of the shepherd who lays down his life for the sheep?
"For the thief comes only to steal and slaughter and destroy; I came so that they might have life and have it more abundantly." Jn 10:10 Surely I can trust the God who wants nothing but the best for me and these children. Surely I can not be afraid. Spring will come, some years slowly and steadily and some years the day after a blizzard, but it always comes.
