This was his design I’m sure. I don’t doubt that Mary would
have refused God anything, but I believe He laid her life out as an example for
all of us. Dr. Edward Sri discusses the many times Mary says “yes” to God after
her big “yes” to the angel in his book Walking with Mary. He talks about how
she was given opportunities at his presentation in the temple, the wedding at Cana, etc each time learning a little
more about how His life and hers would unfold, each time getting another
opportunity to say yes or no.
Dan and I are celebrating our tenth wedding anniversary this
week. We’ve been reflecting a lot about the promises we made ten years ago,
about the people we were back then, and most of all how we really had no idea
back then how our lives would unfold. We realize, when we said “I do” we really
had no idea what we were getting in to.
Had I stood on that altar ten years ago and someone asked me
“will you suffer loss after loss of your biological children for the rest of
your marriage?” would my answer still have been yes? Had they told me I was
signing up for the heartache of saying goodbye to babies I raised as a social
worker drives them away to parents who have abused them in the past, would I
have run out of that church? If they said “your yes today means the rest of
your life will be filled with a roller coaster of custody battles and children who
trust you to protect them but someone else controls their future,” I just can’t
imagine I could have choked out an “I will.”
We didn’t know all of that. We knew it would be hard, just
laying down our lives for the other, and it was…still is. It was a big yes, to
give our lives in service to God and to each other, laying aside any plans we
might have for the new journey God would take us on. But in his wisdom, He really
let us give a small yes. A “yes” to inviting life into our marriage. To letting
the holy spirit work. A yes that led to heartbreak, that would have been easy
to see from a distance.
But a Yes that also led to peace, growth, understanding,
compassion, and even (especially) joy. I would not have been convinced of this
until I was there. I wouldn’t have believed as a 22 year old bride that this
suffering would be in fact a great gift. That it would be used to draw me
closer to Him, draw us closer to each other, and draw others to Him. I wouldn’t
have believed the incredible way I would experience the love of God through his
presence and through community when I came to the absolute end of myself. I
wouldn’t have guessed we could see the absolute worst in each other and
actually love each other more.
So he asked for a little yes instead. And I joyfully gave
it. And when our babies died we gave another little “yes”, to a different plan
He might have. And when a little boy came to live at our house, our yes to him
turned into a yes to foster care, a yes I don’t know we would have ever said
otherwise. And the heartache is terrible. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone, to raise a baby
for a year and say goodbye. And I wish it for everyone. Because I got to love
that baby for a year and I can’t imagine my life had she not been a part of it.
Because I got to love like there was no tomorrow. Because she is made in the
likeness of God, and each tiny person that comes through these doors shows me
another side of Him I never knew. Mary kept saying yes because she knew the
beautiful truth, that the hardest things are the best things. It didn’t really
matter what the suffering was, because she was with God himself, and that’s
always a good place to be.
This scary, difficult life has brought us the joy of
Nathaniel, Samuel, Isabella and so many others whose names I can’t share. So now the phone rings and we say a little
yes. Never really knowing what we’re getting into except that it will probably
be hard, it will probably be joyful, and certainly God will be there.
These last few weeks we’ve been in complete wonder at the
gift of life and the journey God has brought us on as we welcomed a brand new
baby boy in September. We’re calling him “Tiny”, and we’re all in love with
him. In true stork fashion, he was delivered to our doorstep just a few days
old, less than 8 lbs and the most precious thing we’ve ever seen.
We could have said no, with a 6 year old and three toddlers our
house is pretty full as it is and so are our hands (people keep reminding us
when we’re out in public.) There’s a good chance this little guy will
incredibly break my heart. But I’m thanking God tonight that I had no idea ten
years ago what I was getting into and that I have no idea right now exactly
what I said yes to. Because the only thing I know for certain when I look into
his beautiful brown eyes, is that God is here. And yes is always the best
answer when God is asking the question.
