Give Me Jesus

This morning at Mass I had the privilege of singing a beautiful song with our very talented praise band. And even though I've sang the words to that song a hundred times, I couldn't help but be captivated by their very simple and very profound words: "You can have all this world, give me Jesus"

You see, this is what I love about Lent, because the closer we get to Holy Week, the more intense it gets. This is where the boys are separated from the men. This is when we're forced to face the reality of the depth of our faith. There's no "my yolk is easy" talk now, instead Jesus says follow me, and it won't be easy, it will cost you everything, but it will be worth it. Read this from the gospel this morning:

"Some Greeks who had come to worship at the Passover Feast
came to Philip, who was from Bethsaida in Galilee,
and asked him, “Sir, we would like to see Jesus.”
Philip went and told Andrew;
then Andrew and Philip went and told Jesus.
Jesus answered them,
“The hour has come for the Son of Man to be glorified.
Amen, amen, I say to you,
unless a grain of wheat falls to the ground and dies,
it remains just a grain of wheat;
but if it dies, it produces much fruit.
Whoever loves his life loses it,
and whoever hates his life in this world
will preserve it for eternal life.
Whoever serves me must follow me,
and where I am, there also will my servant be.
The Father will honor whoever serves me. Jn 12:20-26
I don't think it matters who we are - a normal church-goer, a priest, a missionary, an addict - this verse hits us all where it hurts the most. At Mass this morning our priest spoke about asking a teenager if he could give up his cell phone for just one day and the mortified response he got. But the reason this verse hurts isn't because he's asking us to give up a cell phone, or sin, or money, or even a job. That's the easy stuff. It's easy to swap out the bad stuff and replace it with Christ. But the reason that this terrifies me is that He doesn't just ask for the bad, He asks for the good too. When I think about the things I'm hanging on to in this life, it's not cell phones or money or material things at all. It's people.

This is where it gets hard. Do I love Jesus enough to give everything, even the most sacred treasure I have on this earth, my family, if I was asked to? When I pray can I truly pray "you can have ALL this world" and truly mean ALL of them?

I was thinking about this as we drove home from church, and how the author of the book "The Hardest Peace" and blog Mundane Faithfulness, Kara Tippetts, really understands this so much better than most of us. As a wife and mother of young children fighting a losing battle with cancer, she writes about her love for her family, but that clinging to even the best gifts we're given here is missing out on the greater promise. Marriage, family, the love that we experience here on earth is just a sign of what waits for us in heaven. But Kara says "we lack imagination for what we can't see, feel, smell and taste. We are reckless in our grasping for more time, and forget the best is yet to come. We simply have so little imagination for our forever home, and yet I feel Jesus is very gentle with us in our lack of understanding" (The Hardest Peace, pg 104 - Seriously, read the whole book, it's so good!) I know that God is using Kara's story to challenge my heart. And this evening, her husband posted on her blog that she passed away today.

The reading for today continued with Jesus's prayer:
“I am troubled now. Yet what should I say?
‘Father, save me from this hour’?
But it was for this purpose that I came to this hour.
Father, glorify your name.”
Then a voice came from heaven,
“I have glorified it and will glorify it again.” Jn 12:27-29

Kara or her husband or children would not have been blamed for having asked God to save her. Even Jesus was troubled with what the Father was asking of Him. But Kara understood there is a bigger picture, and that it was for this purpose that she came. Having shared her story and the heart of Christ with thousands of people, God is certainly glorifying His name through her. And I'm sure she has already realized it was worth it.

When I think about the life, my 3 boys, that I want to cling to, I have to pray for faith like Jesus. That when faced with the ultimate sacrifices, I won't ask to be saved, but instead understand that quite possibly it was for this purpose that I am here, and only that God's name be glorified. I think for all of us this is a daily struggle, to stay focused on Jesus. So I will try and fail, try again, and pray. Pray for faith like Jesus, that the words "you can have all this world, give me Jesus" transform from song lyrics into a heartfelt prayer, and then a life lived out.

Give me Jesus

Take a few minutes to listen to the song and pray it. https://youtu.be/wS4JQi4dgvg

Keep Making Me...The Lesson it took 30 years to Learn (Includes Samuel's Story)

Today is my 30th birthday. My friends and family know I haven't been looking forward to this day since I turned 29. I've always been a kid-at-heart and really enjoyed my youth. Each year, I feel less able to connect with the youth I minister to. I notice my body struggle more to do the things that used to be so easy. It's tough getting older, (and yes, my dear older friends, I can just picture you're eyes rolling as you read this). I know 30 isn't OLD and that I should be enjoying it, and I am. But it's inevitable that a milestone birthday makes you stop and evaluate your life. I'm sure I'm not the only one who at the age of 30 has thought "I thought by the age of 30 I would have _____________". The answers to that are endless, but for me I started thinking about what I used to think my life would be like, and what it is now. And I thought it a fitting time to finally tell you the story of how Samuel came to be in our family.

Most people that know us know that I suffer from recurrent pregnancy loss which has resulted in the loss of every child we have conceived. Over the first 5 years of our marriage we lost 5 children, one each year. It wasn't easy for me to get pregnant, and the first 3 years we were actively trying, even working with medical intervention. But what we haven't shared with many, is in 2014 we lost 3 more children. Something clearly changed in my body that made it easier for me to get pregnant, but unfortunately did not change my ability to sustain the pregnancy. The first pregnancy wasn't a shock, but the second and then the third were hard to handle. There's a physical toll on my body, but its the emotional one that makes 3 pregnancies in a span of 6 months so difficult. There's hope and then feeling stupid for hoping, there's constant worry that I stood up too fast, was too active, too stressed or did something else to jeopardize the pregnancy. Any expectant mom knows, it doesn't matter how many doctors tell you there's nothing you can do, you always feel like you need control, so you control what you can, like moving and eating. Because the worst feeling of all, the one that consumes me when I am pregnant, is that I am simply waiting for my child to die, and there's absolutely nothing I can do. In my opinion, there is no greater pain in the entire world, except watching your child suffer while you can do nothing to stop it. In experiencing these two things I have learned on a deeper level about the love my God has for me, because He did both for me, and He CHOSE it. He could have done something about it, but He didn't, for me.

You'll often hear me reference that it has been in the darkest times in my life that I have felt the closest to God, and also those times when I have grown in holiness. With my first miscarriages, while I can look back and realize this, I didn't see or feel it at the time, and I was very hurt, bitter and angry. Through a lot of spiritual growth, my pregnancies are less painful in the spiritual sense because I know my God is with me and giving me the strength to get through it. I know He isn't punishing me or taking my children from me, and I know that He is using my hurts and brokenness to bring about something greater. Knowing all of these things allows me to just try to enjoy that for a short time I get the gift of this beautiful life, this miracle, living inside of me. I soak up the closeness I feel to Jesus as He draws near to comfort me during a difficult time. But even though anger and bitterness are gone, grief over the loss of my child always remains.

When I found myself pregnant for the 8th time, I found myself in a special prayer where I asked God to save this child, and He replied gently: "your plan or Mine?" I knew He was right, so even though it broke my heart, I didn't ask Him to go against His plan and save my child, instead I asked Him to comfort me.

Three weeks later, on July 10th, baby Augie went to heaven. No amount of understanding makes that part easier. I can't explain the pain of holding your lifeless child in the palm of your hand. From my first to my eighth, they have each equally hurt and caused a pain to the depth of my very soul. God's gift to me, is in the midst of that pain, He meets me. He doesn't take away the pain, but He gives me what I need to handle it. And in those darkest, most horrible moments He has changed my heart and allowed me to know Him on a deeper level and for that reason alone, I am grateful for my suffering. I won't ask that it be taken, and I will embrace any new pain, because it draws me nearer to Him, and to be near to Him is what I was made for and all I truly desire, whether I realize it at the time or not.

God isn't just using this pain to help me grow in holiness, He's also using it to bring about His magnificent plan. A lot of doctors visits ended with a surgery drug out 3 weeks after Augie was born. After a lot of prayer, and at one specific Mass, my husband and I both felt God telling us that He was going to grow our family through adoption. We had been hoping to adopt over the last year, but were still waiting. And then, the phone rang. Home recovering from the surgery on July 31st, I received a phone call from our Social Worker telling us about a potential foster care placement that would most likely lead to adoption. The baby wasn't even born yet, and the birth parents were willing place the baby for adoption if they were happy with the foster family chosen. "Would we be interested?" It's hard not to laugh at that question, or scream at the top of my lungs "OF COURSE!" After a little more information from another social worker, we arranged a meeting with the birth mother. I've never wanted anyone to like me so badly in my whole life! Luckily, we instantly connected. I'd always heard that there is a special connection with a birth parent, but never understood until then. We truly love her and could easily be good friends.

*Killing time before meeting Samuel's birthmom because we got there like an hour and a half early. Can you tell we were excited and nervous!?

The baby was due at the end of the week, and we went home and waited for the phone call. Finally, after the longest week of my life, they scheduled her to be induced after going over her due date. We were blessed to be there for the entire labor and delivery where I grew to love this woman even more. After spending 9 months giving her body for this child, now she suffered such pain for a child she would not keep. I watched her and I felt so helpless. Wanting so badly to take away her pain, not knowing the right words to say, and feeling guilty because this should be my pain and not hers. But all I could do was pray. And when she held that beautiful baby in her arms and told him how much she loved him as she handed him to me, my heart couldn't contain the sorrow and joy that I was experiencing. Sorrow again in the helpless feeling of wanting to ease her pain, and joy in seeing the beauty of God's plan. Just a month ago, I handed my child over to Him, and as always, my God is trustworthy and has turned my sorrow to dancing. I know He will do the same for Samuel's birth mom who offered the same trust in Him as she handed her child over.

We named him Samuel, because it means "asked of God" (Go read the book of 1 Samuel) Hannah is barren and prays for a child and God grants her request. What we liked the most was this line: "For this child I prayed and the Lord has granted my petition. Therefore, for as long as he lives, he is given to the Lord." 1 Samuel 27-28 After years of praying and waiting for a child, Hannah wouldn't have been blamed for having held tight to her precious gift, but instead she takes him to live with Eli to serve God. Our Samuel is my child, and he is his birth mom's child, but most of all He is God's, and therefore, he has always been given to God, but it was especially special at his baptism to make our promise official.

Photo credit of the two above to my AMAZINGLY talented and wondeful friend Ashley Stoel

For the last 7 months, our hearts have overflowed with the joy in bringing Samuel home and settling in to our family of four. Nathaniel loves being a big brother and I would argue he's the best one I've ever met, constantly giving sweet kisses, offering a toy or kind word when he's crying, and doing anything that will make him laugh. We are so so happy. And yet, here I am on my 30th birthday writing a post about 30 not being what I expected. Yes, it's not what I expected. Not at all what I envisioned or planned or even strove toward.  I learned a long time ago that God's plan is so much better than mine. But the lesson it took 30 years to learn and will probably take 30 more to master is that it really isn't the things that happen in life that are important, but instead that I allow those things to bring me closer to Him. Instead of thinking "I thought by the age of 30 I would have more kids" or "I thought by 30 I would have been farther along in my professional career" I should instead be saying "I never thought by the time I would 30 I would know God this intimately." I should be saying "By the time I'm 40 I want to be so connected to His love, His presence, His will, that's its hard to tell the difference between where I end and He begins." And if it takes 30 more years of suffering and pain to make that happen, I'll gladly walk that road, because the company is like none other.

I feel like the song "Keep Making Me" by Sidewalk Prophets says the same thing I just did but so much better. Take some time to pray it, especially during lent when we strip everything else away so we can see what really matters. Here are the lyrics:

Make me broken
So I can be healed
‘Cause I’m so calloused
And now I can’t feel
I want to run to You
With heart wide open
Make me broken

Make me empty
So I can be filled
‘Cause I’m still holding
Onto my will
And I’m completed
When you are with me
Make me empty

[Chorus:]
‘Til You are my one desire
‘Til You are my one true love
‘Til You are my breath, my everything
Lord, please keep making me

Make me lonely
So I can be Yours
‘Til I want no one
More than You, Lord
‘Cause in the darkness
I know You will hold me
Make me lonely