A Little Light for the Darkness

My friend pulled up while I was untangling Christmas lights on the front porch. I had them all rolled up nicely last year when I put them away, but the kids got into them before I put them up and now I had 5 strands all in one big knot. I knew when they didn't come free easily at first that I didn't really have the time to mess with them. What was supposed to be a 5 minute project was turning into more than an hour. But I just kept trying. Sometimes pretty desperately just pulling and shaking hoping for the best... and when that didn't work, taking more time to look closely to maneuver each strand free. I took a break when my friend arrived and returned to it later a few times throughout the day. I should have been doing other things, but I finally had them all free and quickly wrapped them around the rails of the front porch. I wasn't expecting it to be pretty, I just wanted light. The kids love Christmas lights, and I knew I didn't have the time or patience to put up a lot, but I wanted them to have at least a little something to look at. And the first night, when it got dark and they popped on, I was pleasantly surprised with how nicely they did look even though I really only spent 5 minutes hanging them up. But I was more surprised how much I really needed to see the light.

It's so dark this time of year. The sun didn't officially rise today until 7:57 am, and set at 4:51 pm. That's less than 9 hours of light in a 24 hour day. More darkness than light. It's how our life has been feeling the last few months. Its sometimes how we view the world when we turn on the news.


This is why we celebrate Christmas now. The church planted Christmas here in this dark time for a reason. Because the world was dark and broken. There was so much war and hatred and there was such little hope. But then God sent Light into the world. He didn't come in blaring or with a strike of lightening, but quietly, so quietly that no one would have noticed at all had it not been for that star and those angels. He plopped a light in the middle of all that darkness and from now on the darkness would never overcome the light.


I need to look out onto my front porch and see light when the sun is fading before I've even begun to think about supper time. When the dark feels like it isolates us from the neighbors we can see in the light. Their houses haven't moved but our perceptions of them change at night. If it weren't for their lights, I wouldn't realize they are still there at all. Darkness separates us from people.


In the light of day I can see beauty, God's creation all around me. My body needs the sun to actually survive. I am made this way, to long for it. So its natural that this season of so much darkness doesn't feel right.


I am also made to long for holiness, goodness, righteousness. It's natural that I feel so out of place in a world that is so filled with sin, hurt, death.


There are two approaches to dealing with the darkness closing in. We can just give in and accept this is the reality of the season we are in OR...we can put up our own lights.


Last week I was having a particularly sad week when I picked Nathaniel up from school which included walking down the hallway just an hour before the beginning of Christmas break. The entire building was radiating joy. Every teacher was smiling, students were filled with expectation and excitement. It was infectious. Halfway through the walk I felt lighter, and by the time I left the building I was beaming. I sent up a prayer of thanksgiving for this wonderful Christian school that my son gets to attend, and I got back in the car with a lifted spirit. It was beautiful to see the Christian mission in action in that way, truly sharing the JOY of the gospel.


I'm sure there were plenty people in the school that day that had reasons to be sad. This season of Christmas especially we have been keeping in mind those who are finding this season a difficult one. As we are missing our little boy, we think of so many others we know who are spending their first Christmas's without their loved ones.  We also remember how hard Christmas used to be when we were mourning the loss of the babies we never got to hold in our arms. This season that is supposed to be so joyful can feel just the opposite when the people we love aren’t here to share in the joy.

But this is actually exactly WHY we celebrate.  We aren’t celebrating all that is good in this world but we’re celebrating that the world is broken and hurting and pretty wrong sometimes and God sent his son here to enter into it with us and save us from it. The world was dark, and he sent the light. In this season, when there is more darkness than light, we hang lights out on our front porches, and light up the darkness. Nathaniel's school did that for me last week; tossed some light into my darkness.

This is the gift (reminder) of Christmas for all of us: That everyone has a reason to celebrate, especially those in their darkest moments, because Jesus came exactly to save us from them, to bring light to the darkest places, hope to the most hopeless situations. I can’t see a solution for so many of the situations we encounter and are wrapped up in every day with foster care, but He promises to fix it all someday and only asks me to trust him until I see His face again. So until then, we celebrate, and those of us who don’t feel like celebrating this year are the ones who have most reason too! We're the ones that really need to be saved from this world. And if we've lost hope, maybe it's because we placed our hope in this world, and not in the one who created it.

And when our hope is in Jesus, then the darkness will never overtake us. And this is a reason to celebrate.

Every year, our family puts on pajamas and santa hats, fills the largest bowl we have with popcorn and jumps in the car. Our favorite Christmas CD goes in and we drive around looking for the best Christmas lights and dropping off some goodies to our friends. Every time I load up the car with 4 kids, it still feels empty 2 months later. Someone is missing. I was tempted not to go at all. The darkness would really prefer I just stay home and not venture out into the world in the dark. But I know what's out there even though I can't always see it through the darkness. I know if I just take a few steps in faith I'll find the light. So I put my santa hat on and hopped in the car. And there are a lot of challenging things and fun things about having 3 pre-school age kids, but one of the best has to be driving around looking at Christmas lights. The sense of wonder in a 3 and 4 year old is fabulous. Every single light they saw got a "woah!!!" "Wow!!" One strand across the roof of a house, one star on a light pole, or a whole yard decked out. It was all so incredible to them.

 

 

 

I don't have a lot to offer, my measly string of lights wrapped around the deck railing hardly seems like a contribution. And yet, it's lighting up the darkness, it's bringing a little hope. I don't have a lot to offer right now while I'm just trying to survive each day as a grieving mom of 4 instead of 5. But I'll trust that Jesus will use whatever I can offer to bring a little bit more light to earth.

We celebrate the season of Christmas now for two weeks, because we have good reason to celebrate. Would you keep your lights on for the next two weeks? Because after all the family celebrations are over and the last gift is unwrapped, this dark time of year can get quite long and lonely for a lot of people, especially those who are missing someone. But your light, whether its a strand of bulbs on your front porch or the smile on your face when you visit or an unexpected phone call or letter, will brighten up that darkness.

Prayers offered for you tonight if this Christmas has been a difficult one. Praying you see the light and the joy of the HOPE that we are saved from all of this heartbreak and that He's going to bring a little light until then!! Pray for me too, I'd really appreciate it!

What Does it Mean to Carry Someone?

For the last 11 years I've been carrying other human beings. First inside my body, later cradled as delicately as glass in my hands, then on my hip, and in rowdy piggy-back rides years later. I noticed one day after a year with 3 babies and then a year with three toddlers that the skin on my right arm where I tend to hold babies on my hip more often is actually permanently wrinkled from being stretched like that for so long. Ah unexpected hazards of motherhood.
Carrying a child is a natural thing. They need us. They can't reach and I can help, so I do. They can't walk and I can get them where they need to go, so I do. They are lonely and just want to come along, so I bring them along. Sometimes its an airplane ride full of giggles and stomach turning drops, and sometimes its a horse-y ride where the goal is getting bucked off. And sometimes, its a scraped knee or bumped head or brother hurt me and a snuggle will make everything ok. No matter what the reason, I love carrying them. Some days of course, the weight of their bodies gets the best of me, and that's probably good, because I would probably carry them too much otherwise. Its a burden, a stress to my body, to carry someone else. And it's also such a joy. A joy that's greater than the burden.
I held my infant niece a couple weeks ago and I couldn't believe how much I missed holding a baby. I remember when it felt like a burden, getting up again in the middle of the night because someone missed me and wanted to be held in my arms. I remember when my arms were so tired because I'd held that teething baby all day while I loaded the dishwasher and washing machine with my other free arm. It would be easier and faster with two hands, I'd think. But now thinking of all that I can get done with my two free hands makes me just sit on the floor and cry. You won't realize how much you'll miss carrying someone, what a gift it truly is.

But I'm not talking about just children today. What does it really mean to carry someone?


Last weekend I watched my husband, along with his brothers and cousins, carry their uncle's body to his grave. I watched their bodies strain under the weight, but the strain on their face was the reality that this was the final goodbye. This didn't seem natural. These young men had all once been carried by this man, who they looked up to, and now instead they were carrying him.






What does it mean to carry someone?


So many times in my life, when I have experienced something so hard, the death of our babies, the loss of a foster child, there have been people who have carried me. They have lifted me in prayer, listened to me cry for hours, brought food, cleaned my house, even painted my living room when I was on bed-rest, but most of all they helped me carry the emotional burden of whatever I was going through because I didn't have to do it alone. The lifted some of the weight of a burden that was too heavy just for me. Sometimes, maybe almost all of it.






I also think if you are carrying someone it means you have once been carried.


Obviously my children only grow to love because they have been loved. They grow to care for others because they have been cared for. My husband can carry his uncle because his uncle taught him to take care of people.






And I think if you carry someone it also means you will someday again be carried.


What a beautiful moment, watching those young men carry the man who once carried them. And in so many relationships, in so many ways, when we help others, then we are helped in return. When we give not expecting to receive, we usually receive so much more. I think about the wisdom he shared with them as they worked on tractors and contemplated things a lot heavier than bolts and metal. He was carrying them then yet, as young men, even young fathers meddling through financial decisions, work, relationships and parenting. And then, they began to carry him. To doctors appointments, through tough diagnosis's, through treatments and phone calls just to pass the time, and finally, to God. What each was receiving was so much more than what they were giving.






I think having been carried means we carry others better.


Once we've been carried though something difficult in life, we tend to notice when others need to be carried when maybe we wouldn't have noticed before. We relate. We understand. We can be more compassionate. Each new suffering I realize how selfish I have been in the past. I realize how I just didn't understand what someone was going through. I really didn't realize how much they needed to be carried or exactly how they needed to be helped. And I try to open my eyes, to notice more often when and what someone needs.


But beyond noticing, I need to lend a hand. And not just a passing, "I'll pray for you" or a pat on the back. To carry someone means to commit my whole self, to be ready for the whole weight of their burden, and to see it through. The same way those young men committed to carrying their uncle.


It might take a lot of time, it might be a huge sacrifice. And I might feel ill-equipped and just too tired from my own struggles. But I think, the true secret to carrying others and being carried is that we must first be carried by Jesus, in whom we receive all of our strength. "it is a sign of the fidelity born of love, for those who put their faith in God can also be faithful to others. They do not desert others in bad times; they accompany them in their anxiety and distress, even though doing so may not bring immediate satisfaction." Rejoice and Be Glad, Pope Francis 2018


If I put my faith in God, I can be faithful to others. If I allow God to carry me, I will be able to carry others.


This is the message of the cross, in order to help we must be brought to our lowest. We must need in order to give. We must be humiliated in order to hold power.
I am being carried right now. By friends who listen and share their company when the quiet days in my house get too long. By meals shared. By so much PRAYER. I am so incredibly grateful to be carried by you and by God. I don't enjoy being having to be carried, I would much rather be the carrier, but here is where God has allowed me to be, so I will open my eyes and take in the lessons. I will appreciate that God is using this to help me grow in virtue, to grow in mission, so that I can better carry someone else someday. Because today good people lifted my burden with a visit, a text message and an email. Today I could breathe easier than yesterday and could be joyful with my children. Because someone carried me, I could carry my children. Can you ease someone's burden today?




"We love because He first loved us." 1 Jn 4:19

Dear Person Holding my Child's Life in Your Hands

Dear Person Holding my Child's Life in Your Hands,
Four weeks ago, someone came and took our foster son from his home, to take him to a new home, to live with the mother who gave birth to him. After 13 months, after living here and knowing us as his parents and his family his whole life. He doesn't understand anything about laws or judges or court, he only knows what he has experienced, and that is that we are his family, who have always been here and always cared for him.

When you took him away, and then told us we couldn't visit him, I don't know if you understood what you did to our family and I don't think you understand what you are doing to him. You see, you forced us to "abandon" him. All I can do all day is picture his face, and imagine that he is wondering where we are. All I can think about is how this abandonment is hurting him, and that he might struggle for the rest of his life to trust because of this trauma.
You want him to attach to his new mom, that's what you say. Except that logic doesn't match any research out there about attachment and children. I have looked for it and read document after document and everything says children attach better when they have a transition, and when they stay attached to their previous attachment. Like this article: https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3422627/
or this one https://www.bcadoption.com/resources/articles/better-adoption-transitions
In our foster care training, our facilitator transplanted a plant, and asked us if we should clear away the old dirt from the roots, cut the roots, etc to be sure the plant did well in the new soil. NO! Everyone shouted. Of course anyone that knows anything about transplanting a plant knows the best chance at surviving in new soil is to keep as much of the old soil around it, to keep the roots as in tact as possible. This is one of the reasons why we keep our kids in contact with their birth families. This is why I reached out to this child's mother to ask her to please come to visits with her daughter last year when she stopped coming. This is why we still try to spend time with our other foster children if parents will let us. When children lose people out of their lives they start to believe they aren't good, they aren't worthy of someone caring about them. They stop trusting people to ever stay, they stop trying to even have relationships. When they are supported by the sturdy foundation of a positive attachment, they can confidently build new attachments.
Maybe you don't know all of this. Maybe you haven't had the attachment training that I have. Maybe you haven't lived with multiple children who have struggled with attachment issues. Maybe you haven't held them and seen the pain in their eyes as they fight an internal battle wanting to trust their mom but needing to protect themselves as history has shown. Maybe you don't know multiple families like I do whose adopted children can't function in society because of their extreme attachment issues. Maybe you really do need to hear from the attachment specialist you are supposed to be consulting.
But here's the thing, it's been FOUR WEEKS. You haven't managed to have that meeting in FOUR WEEKS. Maybe that doesn't seem like a long time, but that is 28 days that he has looked for us. 28 days he has felt abandoned. 28 days we have cried missing him and afraid for him. 28 days we can't sleep or eat. 28 days I feel like I am going to throw up most of the time. 28 days his sister has spent half the day crying or throwing tantrums because another person has disappeared from her life, just when she was starting to trust us again, she is now sure she shouldn't. 28 days my seven year old has cried and missed his brother and wondered why people he thought were good have made this decision he feels is so bad. 28 days when I haven't been able to answer my children's questions when they will get to see him.


Have you ever left your child for 28 days? I bet if you even left them for a few days somewhere it was in a familiar environment, with someone you trusted and someone they knew. And I bet you and they both knew you were coming back.
I am upset, and hurt, and so so worried about the damage that is being done to him in this very crucial age where his brain is developing the ability to form healthy attachment.
I contacted my daughters attachment therapist in Sioux Falls, she and everyone in her office specialize in child attachment, and she would never be supportive of him going this long without a visit with us. She is worried about Jadence and the setback this is for her as well.
No one seems to have time to set up a meeting, or to respond to phone calls. But I'm betting you didn't go into this line of work to hurt children. So I'm asking, one more time, to please let us visit him.
I don't know if you think a visit is just something we are being selfish about. I hope you realize that as much as we want to see him, visits are so hard for us, because they have to end, and at the end I have to walk away, and leave him once more. I have to talk my body through motions that are not natural as a mother, and my heart will break all over again. But I do it because I know he needs it, because it's better for him to know I didn't disappear completely. I do it because I know my kids need to know people don't just disappear.
If there is research that supports no contact, I'd love to see it. If you really truly believe it's best for him not to see us, and that belief is based on actual data, then please share it. We are his parents. We only want what's best for him. We only want him to be ok. Unfortunately, it seems a visit just isn't happening because everyone is too busy. Please don't be too busy today for my son. He is such a special little boy. He is so full of love and joy. He has a purpose. Another person like him will never again exist in this world. Would you please treat him like he is that precious? Like this matters? Because it really truly does.
I know we're all busy. But at the end of the day, you turn off your computer, close your office door and go home to your life. But this IS his life. This is our life. Your decisions, even the decision to ignore something, severely impacts all of our lives, changes them forever.  Will you consider that before you shut your office door tonight? Will you realize how you spend your time at work determines if my children will cry themselves to sleep again tonight? Before you pick up your phone to send that personal text message, will you realize doing so means you didn't take the time to message the therapist and my son will now go to sleep for the 29th day wondering what he did wrong to make us not come back for him?
When you make a decision, he needs you to do it with the same care that my husband used when he held him for the first time in the photo above. Because that is what you are doing: You are holding his life in your hands. Did you do it with care today as if his whole life depended on how gently you handled him? Its an enormous responsibility, making decisions about the life of a child. Please don't get so accustomed to it that you stop doing it with care.
And if you won't take the time to handle him with care today, maybe my readers will. Maybe my readers will share this post to get your attention, to get you to respond. Maybe my readers will share this post so that all people who work with children will be reminded of the importance of prioritizing our children. Because they are so incredibly precious. They aren't replaceable. And they need us to protect them. We can't keep treating our children like this and expect our world to get better. Will you help this little boy today?

Stuck in the Middle

Has it felt like your world is falling apart? Does it seem like if it can go wrong it will? Were you smooth sailing until an unexpected storm came up that just doesn't seem to calm?
A few times since Dan and I have been married we've felt this way. Most memorable was the month we lost our baby, our dog ran away, and our new puppy got run over in the driveway by a delivery truck. I'm pretty sure I wrote a pretty ugly "thanks for kicking me when I'm down" letter to God that day. Really...the puppy too?
A lot has felt like it is falling apart for our family recently too. Maybe someday I can share the details with you, but right now I'll just stay that everyone is struggling to deal with the difficulties of foster care and all the emotions and hurt that comes with it, especially the fear of loss.
In the middle of trying to navigate that, we are trying to sell our house, beginning the busiest season of our business, and September also brought school and new routines. And then, court hearings didn't go well, the house didn't sell the first day like I had hoped (too much to ask?), equipment repairs keep adding up and most of the equipment isn't in the field yet, and all these new and stressful things are throwing new behaviors from our kids that I haven't had experience with yet. September left us feeling beat up. September had me on the edge of writing another sarcastic letter to God, something like "did you fall asleep up there?" or "what in the world were you thinking?" as the opening line.
This time I didn't write the letter. Oh, I said some choice words about it to a few friends who were unfortunate enough to ask how things were going. But I didn't talk to Him about it, I just stayed angry. Luckily for me, He has given me a safety net. That even when I won't sit with Him in prayer, even when I'm too angry or hurt to go there, He has put all these other things in my life to reach me. My good friends who always know what to say and always reassure me and comfort me. And the church (made up of people) who prays for me, hears my failings and offers forgiveness, and guides me to read scripture.
The beginning of October, which was maybe the worst week of all, we have been reading through the book of Job in the first readings. I used to love this story of the man who had everything and loved God so the devil took everything to see if he would still praise God. It's a beautiful story of faith. But as I was reading it in short clips as the daily readings, I realized if you only got that day's clip of the story, it would be a pretty sad one. God allows the devil to take away everything Job has. It's devastating. His family, his animals, his workers, everything was gone just like that. And then the devil takes his health. And then his friends are convinced he is sinful because he is being punished. Job stays faithful. He continues to praise God, he defends himself humbly against the false accusations of his friends, continuing to point them to the goodness of God. But he is sad. He goes on for so many chapters with his pain and hurt.
If you read those clips of the story, without having read the end of the story, its a very sad and depressing story. But I knew as I was reading them, how the story ends, that after so much time of not hearing from God, He finally answers, and He questions Job: "where were you when I laid the foundation of the earth?" Job 37:4 and goes on and on reminding Job that He is the creator who knows more than Job does. And Job acknowledges this and says "I know that you can do all things and that no purpose of yours can be thwarted." Job 42:1 And then the story ends "and the Lord restored the fortunes of Job when he had prayed for his friends, and the Lord gave Job twice as much as he had before." Job 42:10
You just can't look at the middle of that story and make any sense out of it.
And I read it this week and was reminded that's where we are. We are right in the middle of the story. And when we turn on the news or get hit with a tragedy that rocks our world, or if the storm just never seems to calm we can feel like it's all falling apart. It can take us to a place of despair. But it doesn't have to. Because we know this is the middle of the story, and we know the ending is going to be happy (eternal life in heaven right!?).
I still cringe thinking about what else will happen in the middle of the story. Just like Job, having faith during difficult times doesn't mean we can't still be sad or even angry during those hard parts in the middle. Being sad doesn't mean we don't have faith. It means we weren't made for the brokenness of this world, and that's ok. But faith doesn't despair. Faith remembers this is the middle of the story, and takes hope that we already know the ending.
I wasn't there when He laid the foundation of the earth. So who am I to question what He is doing? I know it doesn't always make sense. My one year old right now is in that "play with everything that is not a toy" stage. And he gets so upset when I take things away from him that are dangerous. He doesn't understand that I'm doing what's best for him, and he cries the saddest, most dramatic cries about it. It's ok to cry and be sad when you're stuck in the middle, but don't despair. Even when the end feels really far away, remember that the middle is really what the story is made of.
Despite everything that's falling apart, there's so much good in this season of life. There are 5 kids in my house that all still want to sit on my lap and read a book and try not to let me go after bedtime hugs. There is this incredible man I get to walk with who still does whatever he can to make me laugh and never forgets to say "I love you." And after all of the mistakes and bad choices and 'stress-got-the-better-of-us moments, there is forgiveness. There is the sound of the baby's deep belly laugh when Dan is holding him high on top of his head. There is the moment brothers share and sisters help each other put on dress up clothes. There is the most precious phrase of "I love you mom" after an "I hate you" screamed earlier in the day.
Reading clips of our story might not make any sense right now. It might just be incredibly sad. I wrote this post a few weeks ago, and yesterday they took Tiny to live with his birth mom, after 13 months and his whole life here. We can hardly breathe. We are so afraid for the hurt he is experiencing and the dangerous situation he is living in.  This part of his story just doesn't make any sense. Maybe that's how yours reads too. I'm praying for you tonight, that you find hope that this is just the middle of the story, and the end is going to be a happy one. But I'm also praying you find hope that the middle still has a lot of good stuff in store for you too. Because even though I cried more than I smiled today, there was still a massive blanket fort in the living room with three  beautiful giggling faces inside. Even though I have never seen my husband this hurt, a friend rode with him in the tractor all night so he wouldn't be alone. Even though the evil in the world seems to be closing in, we will still give praise to our God. It doesn't make any sense why you haven't stepped in, but we still love You.  "Father, Glorify your name." Jn 12:28

Pipestone County: The Vote that can help our Foster Kids

If you live in Pipestone County, there's one selection on your ballots this year that affects our foster children. It might seem odd, that there are so many signs all over Pipestone and Edgerton for the County Attorney position. If you are interested, I'd like to tell you why it's a kind of a big deal.
The County Attorney has a lot of different roles, but one of them is very important to us. One of them is to represent the county social services agency and our foster children, most of whom have been abused or neglected by their parents. Because our children have come from different towns, we have worked with county attorneys from three different counties during our children's child protection hearings, parental rights terminations and finally adoption hearings. So, I will not speak about any other responsibilities that the county attorney has, only the one that I have the most experience with. To me, making sure a child is protected is one of the most important things they do.
Dan and I will be voting for Ben Denton for Pipestone County Attorney and I'll tell you why as briefly as I can.
We were referred to Ben when we were seeking someone to help us with our son Nathaniel's custody transfer probably 6 years ago. We already knew Ben who was active at our church. What I always remember most about our first encounters with Ben as an attorney, was how he changed my opinion of attorneys. As we were navigating a delicate custody issue to protect our son's safety he made sure to ask us questions to be sure we were doing things rightly by our child's birth mother. I remember it surprised me at first, I had gone in to an attorneys office with the expectation that an attorney I was hiring would simply look out for my best interest. But Ben explained even though the law might not always require something, he himself is accountable to God, and so in whatever he does, he always wants to be sure he is doing what is right.
Ben worked hard to help us obtain custody and later finally adopt Nathaniel, being sure to be fair and right to his birth mother at all times. He also recently helped us adopt our daughter Jadence. He has always been someone that we know we can rely on for sound legal advice that we know will always be in the best interest of everyone involved. I have always felt that Ben cared dearly about our family and especially the kids he helped us protect.

We remember receiving emails from Ben late at night or driving by his office to see the lights still on at 9 pm, and his fees were always fair. We know Ben will work very hard at this position and we know he'll always do what's right.
Last September, our daughter Jadence's little brother came to live with us just a few days old. He turned one this September and unfortunately the current county attorney, Damain Sandy, refused to file the original order for protection and in one years time has not represented him at court. I have spoken with him about this and am sad that he still stands behind his decision. It's a difficult thing when decisions about the life of your child are held in someone else's hands. When that's the case,  we need someone that will see them as children, important and precious, and do what's right for them to make sure they are protected.
Like I said earlier, I think the county attorney position has many roles, and I can't comment on who has more experience in any of those ways. I only know, when I used to hire employees at Good Samaritan Society who were responsible for taking care of vulnerable adults, it always paid off to hire someone whose heart was truly in the work. A lot of people can have experience and do a job satisfactorily. But when someone has a good heart, when they really care, then they are motivated to learn and work hard and put in the time and effort to do the job exceptionally.
I trust Ben's motivations and his heart with the decisions of my children, because I know he sees them as children and not just a case. 
I appreciate your time and your kind consideration of both candidates. Even though I don't always agree with decisions made, I still have respect for all parties and appreciate the time they have both put into serving our communities.

When I am So Focused on What I'm Giving Up, I Can't See What I'm Getting

For a while, Dan and I have been discussing moving to a larger farm. Our 5 children have filled up this house, and we don't feel "done" with foster care and adding children to our family. And outside, our cattle herd and custom tillage business has outgrown our 4 acres. But I have agonized over this. Because I LOVE our place. When we moved in, it needed new everything (the windows had duct-tape on them to keep the snow out). So over the years we spent so many hours and so much money making our house just the way we wanted it. We have lived here almost 11 years. Every time we look at another farm, there is so much the new place doesn't have the way our place does. We have the most beautiful big old trees that shade our whole yard where the kids play and landscaping that we have worked on over ten years, and so many places just aren't as pretty.

We splurged and added this huge master bathroom with dual sinks, an incredible Jacuzzi tub, and a beautiful tile double-shower and we just don't find that anywhere. And then there's our huge covered porch where we spend most of our waking summer hours.

And the quarter mile trail we cut through our grove around the property that feels like we're visiting a state park or the north woods.

I think about those things that I love so much, and I feel sick thinking about leaving them behind. I mean, who moves after putting a custom dream kitchen in their house? And then, there's the neighbors, who are THE BEST neighbors in the entire world. They bring cookies and garden produce and suppers and homemade jam, they chase in cattle that get out, help with chores, they always have a friendly wave or honk for our children when driving by, they have become dear friends.

When I think about all those things, I want to dig in my roots so deeply here and never leave. Which is why I have cried real tears each time we've considered making an offer on something new. But I know, when I am being reasonable, that we're considering the new place because it has something this place doesn't, something we are searching for. Room to grow.

When I'm not thinking about all the wonderful things I love about this place, I can see the beautiful view and the hills our cows can graze on at the new place. I can see the larger rooms for our growing family to play. I can picture my kids sledding down those hills in the winter time and I can see the ministry that we can do from that large property as a family. But most of all, I can see more children that we can invite into our home for a while or forever, with a little more space. And when I realize that; none of those other things really matter. And the more I think about it, I realize I want to get rid of all those "nice" things that make me so comfortable and that I am so attached to.
Do you remember the story of the man in the gospel who told Jesus he followed all the commandments and asked what else must he do to inherit eternal life? Jesus told him, sell whatever you have and give it to the poor and follow me. And the story goes on to tell us that "the man went away sad, for he had many possessions." Mt 19
If that story hits a nerve with us, its because we are this man. We have so much that we love. People, things, places, security, hobbies, pride, all the things that make us so comfortable and that we cling on to so desperately. And that man, and we too, are sad because we only see what we're being asked to give up. And because we only see the sacrifice, we can't see what we would get if we let go: Jesus. The man had the opportunity to walk with God, every day. To follow him from town to town, to eat meals with him, to spend every moment with him. This is truly what this man asked for to begin with: "teacher how may I inherit eternal life?" Jesus was offering him the gift early, the opportunity to be with God before heaven, but he missed it, because he could only see the sacrifice.
I believe this happens so often when couples are planning their families. When we think of children in this age, we often only see the sacrifice. The missed work, the missed sleep, the extra expense, the extra time....and when we're so busy seeing everything we'll have to give up, we miss the fact that God is sending himself to us. That every person is created in the image and likeness of God, and every person is unique, therefore every person shows us a side of God we don't yet know. And often, even though the devil has worked so hard to convince us that it's not worth the sacrifice, I think deep down, just like the man from the story, we know. We know the beauty waiting in following Christ, in inviting more children, more people into our lives. But we go away sad, because we are so comfortable, we have so many things.  It's not a coincidence that right before this story in the gospel of Matthew is where Jesus is questioned about divorce and explains the beauty God meant for marriage, that is still waiting for us if we're only willing to sacrifice. And then says "let the children come to me, for the kingdom of heaven is found in such as these." Could it be, the God we're searching for told us exactly what to do to find the happiness we seek, but we can't get over the sacrifice to get there?
That chapter ends saying : "And everyone who has given up houses or brothers or sisters or father or mother or children or lands for the sake of my name will receive a hundred times more, and will inherit eternal life."
A hundred times more.
Jesus, help us stay focused on the gifts you have for us instead of the things we must give up. Point our eyes to you, that we may stay "heaven-focused", and even experience a little bit of heaven right now on earth. 


And of course, I had walked only a few steps away from the computer after finishing this post a few weeks ago when Dan called to say they had accepted our offer. And I was instantly so sad to let go of this place and wondered if I believed anything I had just written. Of course this was intentional as God was preparing my heart to be ready when Dan called. This is hard, this daily surrender of the things we love. But this week, we finalized our adoption for our newest daughter, and my heart is so full. I'll post her story soon, but I'm reminded today how we almost said no when she first came along. There were so many reasons, we were heartbroken, and tired, and Bella wasn't walking yet and Samuel was still so young too, and could we handle another heartbreak? But thank God we didn't spend much time being sad about the things we were sacrificing because I can't imagine life without this amazing little girl. More on that soon! Praying for you, that  you don't go away sad today, whatever He is asking you to give up will only lead you closer to Him! Remember, He's wanting to give you a hundred times more.


Oh, and don't freak out, we're only moving a few miles away! Now that I'm focused on what I'm getting and not what I'm giving up, I'm very excited about it. More on that soon too!

Alone is Something You’ll be Quite a Lot

"All Alone, whether you like it or not, alone is Something You’ll be Quite a Lot"

 It’s a line from Dr. Seues’s  “Oh the Places You’ll Go”, a speech he gave for a graduation and now a book gifted to graduates everywhere. I read it to my children often and it has so many pearls of good advice. But this line, like those catchy Dr. Suess phrases do, replays through my head often. Not because it’s true, but because it’s one line in the book that isn’t. 

I’ll admit when I first read it I nodded right along, thinking how absolutely right he is, recounting the many times in my life I’ve been alone. But the reality is, when I remember those times, I only FELT alone. I wasn’t actually alone.

The devil would really like us to believe we are alone, because being together is what we were created for. Together, we will thrive and help each other and withstand temptation, and pick each other up when we fall. Alone, we fall in a rut of beating ourselves up. “No one sins this badly,” we think. “No one suffers the way we do. No one else is forgotten about like we are. No one else can possibly understand.” And that guilt drives us further from God, and further from each other.

I was reminded of this a few weeks ago when I had one of those really bad mom days. The kind where the day seems already lost before 8 am. The kids all wake up to early and this has turned them into tiny monsters that look just like my children but cannot be reasoned with or even bribed with candy out of their bad moods. They’ll proceed to torture me and each other all day long. These are the days when even though they all need 3 hour naps and I REALLY need them to take a 3 hour nap, no one will nap at the same time and they’ll all be less than an hour and probably wake up crabbier than before. And the real problem is probably not that they are any more crabby than a normal day, but instead that I did not get enough sleep or am worrying about something else and instead am a monster version of myself trying to play mom of five kids who needs to be patient and understanding and instead is only reacting and not playing or engaging.  And when one of those days starts with a diaper blow out or a bowl of cereal milk splattered across the room or a tantrum about watching TV, the combination is ugly. All day long, I reached for my phone to send a message to my friend, but each time I put it down. “She doesn’t need my problems, she’s got a lot going on right now. Leave this ugliness here at our house, and let them have a good day, “ I told myself. Thankfully, kids bedtime came, moms bedtime immediately after, and the next day was a million times better. Always is. When I was happier, I texted my friend, who then proceeded to tell me what a horrible day she had the day before.

OH. So there we were both feeling alone and horrible and struggling and not wanting to bother anyone with our yuckiness, when it probably would have snapped both of us out of it to just know the other was going through the same exact thing. To hear encouragement from each other instead of the negativity we were saying to ourselves.

Alone is something you will FEEL quite a lot, but alone is rarely ever something you will actually be. Somewhere, probably somewhere incredibly close to you, someone else is struggling with the same things you are. The devil would not like you to encourage each other and lift each other up, so you’ll be tempted to stay quiet, stay home, keep your problems to yourself. But God put us together for a reason.

And God often has put people in my life who are struggling with the same things, and I know this is so we can help each other. When Dan and I were in our early years of marriage struggling with infertility and pregnancy loss, God placed two new co-workers at my work who were suffering in the same way. Of course we could have never shared those things with each other, but instead we did and found a safe place to share our struggle with people who understood. All three of us continued our journey to adoption, not a coincidence but God’s beautiful plan. Together we were able to help each other see how we could turn broken into beautiful, something it’s hard to see sometimes looking only at ourselves.

But even though there might be people out there who share our struggles, sometimes they don’t feel Has close as we’d like. Right now, I’m wondering every day if I’m going to have to say goodbye to my ten month old baby. Logic tells me that other people have probably done this, and yet it feels so impossible and none of those people are sitting around my kitchen table giving me advice for how to cope with this. Sometimes, I feel like the only person in the world that knows what it’s like to have three toddlers 6 and 9 months apart. I know people have had triplets and quadruplets and multiple sets of twins close together or others just like me have adopted so many kids in this crazy age range, but they aren’t here sticking up for me when I turn down another social outing because it’s in a public place and it would just be too hard to take everyone there myself.  

Or how many of us when we have continued to grow in our Christian faith, have then felt isolated from our old friends and family, because we have changed, and maybe they have, maybe they haven’t, but the relationship just isn’t the same?

Sometimes, we really do feel alone. But the second and really big reason Dr. Suess was wrong, is because Jesus tells us that even when there is no one else around, we are never alone:

 “I will not leave you orphaned, I am coming to you.”

“I will ask the Father and He will send you another advocate.”

“ And behold I am with you always, until the end of the age.”

Even when we feel we are the only one, He is there joining in our struggle. He is there walking beside us, hoping to encourage us, support us, give us strength and courage. The devil would really like us to feel alone because he wants us to believe that God has abandoned us, especially in our time of need.


But God is there as He promises He will be, this we know in the core of our very being.  And when we hold on to that promise, when we are confident in His presence, then there is no struggle that we cannot face. There is nothing that we cannot endure.

This is Bella tossing rocks into Lake Superior on our recent trip to Duluth. She is so tiny facing this very big lake, but she wasn't ever scared, because she always knew we were right behind her. What power comes in knowing your Father is always there. What incredible things could we do if we were always so aware of this! 

You are not alone. Not today, not on your worst day and not on your best. Let a new phrase repeat in your soul in place of Dr. Suess: “I am with you always, until the end of the age.”