The Real Great Debate of 2020: What Love Is

I think we have found ourselves in a great debate about what love is. And actually its one that's been building for a long time, a slow chipping away at the truth, a slow enough fade that we didn't realize we had slipped so far down the slope until we looked up to see we were at the bottom and a long way from where we want to be. 

Right now the world says it is love to not shake your hand. It is love to not give you a hug. It is love to not visit you. It is love to sit on the couch and watch too much tv and eat too much food. It is love to not visit the elderly, the imprisoned, the sick, the dying. It is love to hide my face from you. It is love not to worship on Sundays. It is love to stay home. It is love to allow others to hurt because they have been hurt. It is always love to give to those who want to be given to. 

This is the message that is put out every day now in America. This is the social pressure to which we must conform or surely we are terrible, hateful people who must not care about anyone. Surely we do not love if we are not willing to do these things. 

I think we all see how we got here, this great fear of coronavirus. This great fear of contributing to the death of another. This great fear of being shamed on social media. But I'm asking you to take a step back for a moment, and look at where we are and ask for yourself, "is this really love?"

My little boy just turned 3 years old. He was placed with us at birth and sent to live with his birth mother after he celebrated his first birthday. It was a trauma for him, to lose the only parents he ever knew and be dropped down into a completely different family environment that was unfortunately full of abuse and more trauma. He has been living back with us since the last year and for the most part, he's a happy toddler. He has moments when he is afraid or shows signs of the trauma he experienced. And he has moments where he is just toddler who wants what he wants. I learned when he came back, that it was really hard for me to listen to his cries. They just cut right to my heart. I spent a year in agony because I couldn't be there when he was crying out for me. And now I am here, but I can't undo what happened that year. Sometimes what he's crying about I can't fix. And that destroys me. 

I had heard the term "guilt-parenting" tossed around from birth parents and visits with them to treatment programs and therapy. I never really understood it until this little man came back into my home. For parents who have been addicts and then go into recovery, they often struggle to parent well because they feel so badly for what they put their children though. They struggle being firm or holding them accountable or disciplining them when they need it because of their guilt. They tend to buy too many gifts, give too much candy, say yes to everything, and say no to nothing at all. It sounds ok, except if you're a parent you know it makes for an unhappy child. You know children need a parent to say no to eating a bag of candy that will make them throw up, they need a parent to teach them not to hit others so they can make friends and function in school and life. You know children need to know they aren't the one calling the shots because that's scary when you are that little. And you know, life will never give them everything they want because they throw a tantrum, and that's setting them up to fail and not be able to handle disappointment. 

The world today might say it is love to try to make up for a wrong that I didn't commit. The world today might say it is love to treat someone differently because of their past. 

There is a reality that sometimes I need to respond to my little man's tantrums with more grace because of what he's been though. Sometimes he's throwing a tantrum because he really needs a hug or reassurance that I'm coming back when I leave. But there is the very stark reality that I only cripple him if I don't ask the same behavior of him of everyone else in our house. There is the truth that treating him differently, not holding him accountable, not teaching him appropriate ways to behave so he can be happy now and in the future...that wouldn't be real love. It might make me feel better in the moment, but it wouldn't be doing whats best for him. The hugs, my love, that is never denied and always there. But icecream for breakfast, sorry, no. A third morning snack when you haven't eaten the first two? Please eat what's still on the table from 5 minutes ago. A new toy because you broke this one in anger? Sorry, probably need to learn there are consequences to being destructive. Hit your sister because you didn't get what you wanted...time out and give your sister a hug once you calm down.

That is love. It's not fun, this hard part of love. I'm definitely not popular in those moments and plenty of times I fall short. Love, real love, is not easy, but it's always worth it. Because even though he might be mad at me in the moment, each day he gives bigger hugs, is a little happier, enjoys life a little more, is proud of himself and accomplishes things. And those smiles are way bigger and more genuine than one I might get from giving in to an extra cookie to stop a tantrum.

An argument might be made that we have been guilt parenting in America. And the reality is there and obvious, that I can't fix what's been done in the past that I didn't do. And I actually only make things worse by treating people differently. I want you to do well. I want you to have every opportunity to succeed. I love you. So I will always treat you the same. I will always expect the same behavior I expect from every other American, no matter your past or current circumstance. And sometimes I will offer more love and grace, because I know there is a hurt I just can't heal. But I will love you enough to offer you a better life. It would be easier for me to just throw money at you. To just give in to all your demands. To just jump every time you cry. But that wouldn't be love, even though the world is saying so right now. I want you to have hope and a future and the real joy that comes from contributing your skills and being rewarded for them. I want you to do it on your own, and I'll be patient enough to see the smile on your face when you do it yourself, than the short lived one when I do it for you. 

The world right now often says love is giving to those who want. A few weeks ago my daughter came home from school with a backpack full of food and nice little letter about how this food is being distributed to ALL families regardless of need (thanks pandemic emergency funding thats so "desperately needed"). Giving food to those who CAN work and provide for their families themselves is not love. I looked at those pre-packaged frozen burritos and another unidentifiable frozen partitioned plate and was so sad. This is being sold as love. Sure, I can toss that in the microwave and satisfy my childrens appetites for a few minutes, and that might actually be love if we were starving to death and desperately needed to eat. But is it love to take from the me the job of providing for my family? I no longer need to cook anything. My husband doesn't need to work so that we can eat. Instead of helping, it is taking from us the feeling of satisfaction of taking care of our own children. It seems like love to feed someone, to toss someone a few dollars. It's easy love. It's walk-away-and-feel- good-about-doing-something-nice love. But it's not real love because it was more about making you feel better about giving than actually helping someone live well. It was you standing high up above and handing down to those below. Feeding the ACTUAL hungry, that's absolutely love, but feeding those not in need?

What about the great mask debate? What about staying home to protect others? That's "love of neighbor" right? That's real sacrificial love they are saying...

I think the fact that it's been portrayed as a sacrificial type of love is exactly why it's been so easy to get so many on board, and especially churches. We do want to love our neighbor and love God, this is in us, it's why we were created. But again, what is love? 

Wearing a mask is an act of love. "Everyone" is saying it. Someone even stood up and said it at church last week. What if not wearing a mask is an act of love too? What if people not wearing masks aren't doing so because they don't care about others or just don't want to wear them or just don't want to be told what to do? (someone seriously said all three of these things to me today as the only reasons they think people don't wear masks!) I'm sorry that's what you think. First, some people really can't wear them and we could all do better to be compassionate about that. A lot better. Secondly, a lot of people don't wear masks not because they don't care about you but because they really do. Read on...

My experience in foster care has taught me about the way humans develop. I've shared before in the first two-three years of life children develop the ability to create healthy attachments (relationships). They learn they are good, lovable, and worthy of love because and only because another human being interacts with them,cares for them and meets their basic needs. Children neglected in these early years are affected for the rest of their lives because their brains are formed during this time and they are forever wired to believe they are not lovable. Studies have even been done to determine if children will be ok as long as their physical needs of food and hygiene are met. But studies have all concluded that children need not only basic physical needs, but touch, hugs, smiles, laughter, eye contact, conversation, play. We NEED these things just as much as we need bread and water. This is not just my feeling. This is science. Children who don't get these things struggle to develop appropriately, and some even die.

My education in Theology of the Body goes hand in hand with this science, this understanding of the way we were created. We were not meant to be alone. God created Adam, and Adam had God and he was still looking for someone like him. Made in the image of God, who is three persons in one, we are made to only be complete in communion with others as well. Made in the image of God, we experience God in and through each other. Touch, smiles, hugs, body language is all a part of who we are. Our bodies are not shells for our souls, our bodies are an essential part of who we are, how we experience life and how we love each other. 

There tends to be a belief that it is weakness to need our bodies. A belief the mind is all we need. That we can work from home, school from home, socialize virtually, watch church on tv, never hug, shake hands, touch, etc and we will be just fine. Those things are just extras, not essential to living. And now  mask mandates say we don't need to see each other's faces. Actually, we say, it is love to hide your face. Except, I'm saying in love, we NEED to see each others faces. My children need to see your smiles. You and I need to see each others faces. We still as adults need the continued affirmation that we are loved. I know, some will say this is just a weakness, they don't need this affirmation, they know who they are. But science says otherwise. The church says otherwise. You know otherwise because you know what the last few months have been like. When you can't see someones face, they are just another body without a face. Almost like they are less of a person. There's a reality when someone pulls their mask down and you see their face that you cannot mistake the individuality. They are one of only one. Not a million masked faces but one face that will never be duplicated again. And they need to know they are loved. They need to see you smile. 

But yes, there is this great fear of corona virus. We can't ignore that. Lets talk a few facts about that. 

The facts about COVID-19 from the American Academy of Pediatrics:

“A smaller subset of states reported on hospitalizations and mortality by age, but the available data indicated that COVID-19-associated hospitalization and death is uncommon in children.

At this time, it appears that severe illness due to COVID-19 is rare among children. 

The Hospitalizations (25 states and NYC reported)*

• Children were 0.5%-3.7% of total reported hospitalizations, and between 0.2%-8% of all child COVID-19 cases resulted in hospitalization

Mortality (42 states and NYC reported)*

• Children were 0%-0.33% of all COVID-19 deaths, and 18 states reported zero child deaths
• In states reporting, 0%-0.15% of all child COVID-19 cases resulted in death”

https://services.aap.org/en/pages/2019-novel-coronavirus-covid-19-infections/children-and-covid-19-state-level-data-report/

 

COVID is not a leading cause of death in children. It doesn't even make the bar graph. What IS killing our children? Leading causes of death are still accidents, firearms/violence, cancer and suicide. (see https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2018/12/181219191100.htm)

“The rate at which young Americans took their own lives reached a high-water mark in 2017, driven by a sharp rise in suicides among older teenage boys, according to new research. In that year alone, suicide claimed the lives of 5,016 males and 1,225 females between 15 and 24 in the United States, researchers reported Tuesday in the Journal of the American Medical Assn.” (https://www.latimes.com/science/la-sci-suicide-rates-rising-teens-young-adults-20190618-story.html) This is 14.6 %. We are losing almost 15% of our teens each year and we are doing so little about it. But we have completely changed life as we know it because 100 children have died. In simple terms, our teenagers are much more likely to die from suicide than they are from COVID, and our church behaviors should be attempting to change that. Adult depression and suicide rates are also alarming right now. I know two families personally who have already experienced loss through suicide during the last 4 months. Research shows depression and suicide rates have increased considerably, even tripling in some states. “Overall, 40.9% of respondents reported at least one adverse mental or behavioral health condition…The percentage of respondents who reported having seriously considered suicide in the 30 days before completing the survey (10.7%) was significantly higher among respondents aged 18–24 years (25.5%)…..Community-level intervention and prevention efforts, including health communication strategies, designed to reach these groups could help address various mental health conditions associated with the COVID-19 pandemic.” https://www.cdc.gov/mmwr/volumes/69/wr/mm6932a1.htm

Its also concerning that we have quickly discarded the poor and vulnerable during the time of COVID. So much outreach and mission has stopped. Parents of children in foster care who are addicts have lost jobs, been left alone without any support. The disabled lost the many resources we have worked as society over many years to provide for them overnight. Children in abusive situations were and still are left unsupervised and in danger. “1700 children die from abuse and neglect in the United States each year.” https://www.ncfrp.org/reporting/child-abuse-and-neglect/#:~:text=It%20is%20reported%20that%20more,are%20the%20most%20vulnerable%20victims

Again, I realize adults are dying from COVID, do the research yourself and decide if the numbers are as alarming as the media is making them to be. I doubt you'd get behind the wheel of a car ever again if they told you every day how many people die in car accidents each day, and you'd probably stop eating at McDonalds if the heart disease death rates were being shoved down your throat every morning via social media. But no matter what, there is always a responsibility to protect life. There is a balance to find where we protect the elderly and the lives of our children, not looking at health as the only factor, but in fact as church we must care even more about the state of the soul. Life is not simply having a pulse, it is being free to live. We should stand up against those who try to limit the freedom of others as we believe liberty is a God-given right. It should always concern us when a government or a church or people are attempting to control others.

We need each other. We need to be physically present with other people. We need to be able to physically express affection. 

The growing conflict in our nation was absolutely no surprise to me during lockdown. Of course we have conflict when we are not together, especially not worshiping together. Ever notice how it's a lot easier to be mad at someone from a distance? Anyone else notice how there was conflict the last few months in your families and churches more than ever before? 

I've been pretty quiet about this, I find it important to save relationship and avoid debate. Ultimately I know what happens here is important, but I'm more concerned with what happens to your soul once we leave here. I know whatever happens my hope in someday Jesus healing all of our hurt hasn't changed one bit. But I'm speaking out because there's an attack right now on how you might come to know God and His love for you by taking away your experience with the physical world. 

And I'm speaking out because you just can't keep living in fear. As a foster parent, I know what its like for the government to have control of my children and their futures. I have waited months for court dates for others to decide about children I love as my own and had babies I've raised taken from my arms by government employees as I helplessly watch them drive away. As someone who suffers from recurrent pregnancy loss I have waited for the children growing inside my body to most likely die more times than you can imagine. And I promise you, FEAR is not your friend. Fear will steal every ounce of joy from every moment. Fear of dying will make it impossible for you to really live. You can't live there. As a mother who has lived in that place and on the other side, it wouldn't be love for me to watch you keep living like this. 

My little man was out one cold day playing after the rain in a puddle, and while we're all about splashing in rain boots, he surprised me a little when he sat down in the puddle. His sister, who thinks anything crazy anyone else does is awesome, was quick to follow and plopped right down next to him. I cringed and thought how cold and yucky it must be in that puddle but I figured they would figure that out pretty soon and hop out. But next they started dipping their hair in the water, and when they bent down to start drinking, that's when I said, "ok guys, get out of the puddle and into the bathtub!"

I love you, and I will watch you make a lot of choices and be quiet about it. I might even sit in the mud puddle with you sometimes just so you aren't alone as you figure it out.  You aren't my child, so I can't and won't ever try to control you or your actions and I'd love if you'd offer me the same respect. But I will gently encourage you to stop if you're drinking from a puddle. We live on a farm you know, chances are its not just mud in that puddle. And understand, I just WON'T drink from the puddle too just because you might think that's what love looks like. 

I love you. It's why I won't hide my face, It's why I will still offer a hug and a handshake and I will  speak out for the elderly who feel abandoned, the poor, the disabled, the mentally and physically ill, and most of all our vulnerable children. "whoever receives one child such as this in my name receives me. ...See that you do not despise one of these little ones, for I say to you that their angels in heaven always look upon the face of my heavenly father." Mt 18.  

What is love? St. Paul says: "Love is patient, love is kind. It is not jealous, love is not pompous, it is not inflated, it is not rude, it does not seek its own interests, it is not quick-tempered, it does not brood over injury, it does not rejoice over wrong-doing but rejoices with the truth." 1 Cor 13:4-6

Consider this when deciding what love is and how to talk about these hard things. (Read: love doesn't shame others on social media.) 

"Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things, love never fails." 1 Cor 13:7-8

It is hard to love. Especially when the ones you love don't see it as love. I know what you are doing is being done out of love. Thank you for reading this and seeing that what I do is being done out of love too. The devil is working so hard to get us all to hate each other. I find it interesting that the only way he's been able to accomplish that is to motivate us with the belief we are in fact acting in love. We really are on the same page, same team, same goal. Maybe if we can't agree on exactly what love is right now, we can at least take a baby-step and realize that most of those who don't agree with us aren't doing it out of hate. And maybe that's all we really need to do to turn the world right side up again. 

I find it so important to always test everything back to scripture and church teaching. And when I think of what the world says love is today, it's almost completely opposite what Jesus has taught us. See for yourself:

These things are still love in the eyes of the church: (Corporal and Spiritual Works of Mercy)

1. To feed the hungry: Mt. 25:35

1. To give drink to the thirsty: "Mt. 25:35

1. To clothe the naked: Mt. 25:36

1. To visit the imprisoned: Mt. 25:36

1. To shelter the homeless: " Mt. 25:35

1. To visit the sick: " Mt. 25:36

1. To bury the dead: " Mt. 25:40

1. To admonish the sinner:  Lk. 15:7

1. To instruct the ignorant: Mk. 16:1

1. To counsel the doubtful:  Jn. 14:27

1. To comfort the sorrowful: Mt. 11:28

1. To bear wrongs patiently:  Lk. 6:27-28

1. To forgive all injuries: Mt. 6:12

1. To pray for the living and the dead:  Jn. 17:24

If the world is saying love is the opposite of these things, who is really saying that? Is that really of God, or is that coming from the opposite of God? The world changes, but Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today and forever. What it means to love has not changed.  

And sometimes it is easier to say what love is NOT: (The Seven Deadly Sins)

 

1.     Pride: an excessive love of self or the desire to be better or more important than others.

2.     Greed: Immoderate desire for earthly goods.

3.     Lust: an intense desire, usually for sexual pleasure, but also for money, power or fame.

4.     Anger: Inordinate desire for revenge.

5.     Gluttony: over-consumption, usually of food or drink..

6.     Envy: Sorrow and desire for another's good fortune, happiness, talents or abilities

7.     Sloth: Laxity in keeping the Faith and the practice of virtue, due to the effort involved.

I think all of us can take a good long look at this list and see the way these sins have overtaken our world, even ourselves. 

" I have set before you life and death, the blessing and the curse. Choose life, then, that you and your descendants may live" Deut 30:19

We all have a lot of work to do here don't we?  But we go forward in confidence because "love never fails."

Here's a great starting point:

1. Humility (overcomes pride)
2. Generosity (Overcomes greed)
3. Chastity (Overcomes Lust)
4. Meekness (Overcomes Anger)
5. Temperance (Overcomes Gluttony)
6. Brotherly Love (Overcomes Envy)
7. Diligence (Overcomes Sloth)

What might our world look like if we today made an effort to live these virtues? 

What if we made the choice to have conversations in love? 

What if we stopped seeing our brothers and sisters as enemies and saw instead the real enemy and turned our energy on battling him? 

What if, WHAT IF, we save our country by simply saying "Jesus, help me to love and to know what love is today." Amen.

It Would be a Shame to Give up Now

 My garden looks like a complete weed patch. I did such a great job taking care of it early on in the spring and summer. Hours spent tilling the soil and planting the seeds. Days spent pulling weeds so the new seeds could grow.  So much work to grow food for our large family to eat fresh this summer and to store for the whole rest of the year. But then, I was busy planning our church summer camp, and then a short family vacation, and then busy getting ready for our confirmation retreat, and as time went on I would glance at the garden on my way past and see all the weeds taking over and I would quickly look away. "I don't have time to tackle that right now, soon I'll get in there and take care of that" I'd tell myself. Every now and then, I'd pop in and pick a zucchini or two, or look for a ripe tomato. But mostly, I avoided it because the weeds had gotten so bad, I didn't even know where to start to save it. Some of the weeds have been allowed to grow so long their roots are so big I am not strong enough to pull them out. Some of the weeds have grown so long and tall that the climbing beans have actually wrapped around them to use as support and pulling out the weed would only kill the bean plant as well. (Mt 13:30?) 

You might look at this garden, so overtaken by weeds and give up on it all together. We could just mow it all down and start again next year. We could spray it with a chemical to kill everything off so those weeds don't keep coming back. But if you were the one who planted it, you would know that hidden within all those weeds is actually a lot of good fruit and vegetables. Rows and rows of huge potatoes that were fully grown before the weeds took over and are waiting safely underground that just need to be dug up. Beans that have climbed above the weeds and are dripping with green pods and loaded with more white blossoms that say many more are still coming. Cabbage curling now into beautiful purple heads and tomato and pepper plants heavy with the weight of huge fruit on their branches. If you really search, if you know where they were planted, you'll find the largest onions I've ever grown and a beautiful row of carrots growing along quietly under the soil. But if you didn't plant it, if you didn't know what was in there, if you didn't ask anybody, if you didn't take the time to really look, you might just see a big patch of weeds that needs to be mowed down. And even if you were the one that planted it, the weeds might just intimidate you into staying away as it looks too far gone. So much work. 

Is this sounding familiar to you? I think sometimes I can look around at the world, at the church, at a relationship, and see so many problems I don't even know where to start that I just want to avoid it all together. Maybe even words get tossed around about a fresh start, no hope, need to start over. But if you see what I see, you'd see there is still so much fruit in that garden hidden in all those weeds. And if you give up on it now, all that hard work will be lost. All those hours you spent tilling the soil and planting and weeding. All for the goal, not of having a weed free garden, but of GROWING FRUIT remember? When we set out to share the gospel our goal is not to eradicate evil but to sow hope, to make disciples, to harvest souls in spite of a field of weeds. 

I know it would certainly be easier to give up now. To look away and not even enter into the weed patch I call my garden. To mow it all down, till it up, and start again next year. As it would be to say of our world, our communities, our churches, our families. There are so many problems with all of them, there is so much sin. But they are so full of fruit. And I need it. My garden needs to feed my family not just this summer but for the entire winter. We live in an age where we take for granted that we can go to the grocery store and always have food available to us. We might understand this lesson more if we lived in a time where we alone were responsible to growing our own food. If I give up now, my family might actually starve. (This might be a good time to remind you, if all the farmers and food producers of our world decided to just "stay home" during covid like so many of the rest of the world did, you would all starve too.) Not only is it not in our best interest to give up now, we just simply can't. Our survival depends on it. 

I spent last weekend with some teenagers in our parish. I love working with teenagers because I have always seen what incredible hearts they have and the great gifts they offer the world. But people don't often see this in teenagers. They see attitude and defiance and poor decision making. They never get past the weeds to see the fruit that is there. And sometimes because of that, it goes unharvested. We miss out on essential gifts that have been sown into our churches because we won't even enter into the garden to try to find it. But it is there. Because God plants good things in His garden. 

I know, the news, the emails, the people who don't even know the difference between weeds and fruit, it's all so frustrating, so discouraging. You aren't the only one who has cast a glance at a weed filled garden and wondered if it's even worth it. Wondered if you even have it in you to do anything about it. 

But if you could see what I see, you would know it would be such a shame to give up now. The fruit is ripe and I think there is more of it than there has ever been before. I know you are tired, you have a lot going on on, there really isn't "time" to freeze corn, and beans but that's the thing about fruit. It doesn't wait. When it's ready, it's ready, and if you don't harvest it and take care of it, it will go bad. And even if you don't realize it, you REALLY need this fruit to survive. So get to work, "the harvest is abundant, but the laborers are few."Lk 10:2

What if...? Introducing Jadence Katherine

"You say what if I hurt you, what if I leave you
What if I find somebody else and I don't need you
What if this goes south, what if I mess you up
You say what if I break your heart in two then what" (What If by Kane Brown)

This has been sitting waiting for the right time to post, and I think today is the day. I heard this on the radio awhile ago, and I thought it was pretty fitting for Jadence's story in a two-fold way. The first is this...

It was December 2017, we had just recently told our foster care licencor that we were still not ready for long term placements after saying goodbye to our foster daughter M that spring, we were still grieving and not ready to take on another possibility of another heartbreak. Plus, Samuel and Isabella were still very young, Bella still wasn't walking. We told her we'd be willing to do respite care which is just short term, typically one or two day stays when other foster parents need someone else to take their kids for a while.
Our phone rang wondering if we would care for a one year old who had been placed with another foster family and was now going to live with a relative. The foster family had a conflict and was unable to keep her an extra night, so could she stay with us just for one night?
Yes.
This is easy, this part of foster care. Opening your home, sharing an extra room, an extra plate, an extra hug. I can do that and it will be a very small sacrifice, and a bring a lot of joy to our family.
She was so fun. So smiley. Came right to me with a smile and hug.  The other kids loved her. I put her to sleep in our spare room whispering prayers for her precious soul, who doesn't even seem bothered to be in the second strangers home of the week. The next day, we play and she is happy and content. I wait for the social worker to call to arrange her pickup by her family member. I realize as I worry about it, that I have already let myself love her a little.

But the family member is ready, and it seems like a good thing for her, so we pack her up, say goodbye, and tell the social worker how fun it was to have her. It really is fun to do respite care, little heartbreak involved.

A little over a month later, the phone rings again. Would we be willing to do respite for that same little girl for the weekend? Sure, that would be fun. And we hate to see foster kids bounced around to so many different homes, if we can offer familiarity, we try to.

We pick her up, this time she cries a lot. A lot.

The weekend ends, the week begins, the social worker wonders if we can keep her a few days longer. Sure, why not? Well, Dan was in the cities for his brothers surgery so I was solo-parenting, but we made it work.

Friday is approaching, I tell Dan, I haven't heard from the social worker, I'm guessing when she calls tomorrow she's going to ask if we can keep Jadence for a longer stay, what is our answer?

We have a lot of reasons to say no. Bella just turned two, she's not yet walking. Samuel is two and a half. After a year of having three one year olds, I was just getting used to being able to go places in public again by myself. Taking on another one year old meant more staying home, three in diapers again, less sleep. All of those are hard but we could do. But that looming last one...the big what if? The emotional heartbreak. "What if our hearts break again when they aren't even healed from last time?"

Dan comes home Thursday night from spending a few days at the children's hospital in the cities and I ask him what his answer is. He says, "We have to. I walked the halls of that hospital and saw room after room after room of children with no parents. I'm sure there are so many different stories and situations, but it was heartbreaking to see them sick and all alone and I know if we can be parents to Jadence even for a while, we should be. Plus, you know we fell in love with her already."

"Yeah, I know. When did you decide that?" I ask.

He smiles as he admits "Probably the first time I held her,"

The next day the social worker calls and I tell her "of course Jadence can stay as long as she needs to, we love her." We have no idea how long it will be, a few weeks, a few months? There are so many "what if's?" and most likely they all end in my heart completely broken, but until then, I'll love her everyday.

When Jadence came she was 17 months old. She couldn't crawl or stand. She wouldn't cry in the morning when she woke up from the crib. I would watch the video monitor and go get her when I saw her start to move around, otherwise she would just sit up, look around and go back to sleep. Babies stop crying when no one ever answers their cries. They learn crying doesn't work, no one ever comes.

Jadence started physical therapy to help catch up her development, she had very low muscle tone, but she quickly learned to crawl, stand, push things around and finally walk. She was so proud of herself each time she accomplished something, it was so fun to see her realize she could do something.

I could write pages and pages of her first year with us and her story and the roller coaster that was her journey to adoption that include multiple times of heartbreak as we were told she was leaving us and then ended up staying. But what I think is the greatest take away from her story is her own "what if's?". Because of her first difficult year of life, Jadence struggles to trust. Brains develop attachment in the first two years of life. We cry because we're hungry and someone feeds us. We cry because we're wet and someone changes us. We cry because we are lonely and someone talks to us, holds us, plays with us. We cry because we're hurt and someone comforts us. We learn someone will take care of us, the world is a good place, we can trust our parents. But often, kids who enter foster care have not had this experience and then their brains have not developed correctly. They cried, and no one came. They were hungry, and no one fed them. They learned other people, especially parents couldn't be trusted. They learned, trusting people only sets you up for getting let down. When they begin to care about someone, their minds instantly wonder the thoughts in the beginning lyrics to that song. And this has been the next years of her life, her wondering "what if?" and pushing us away. Her being scared to trust us, afraid we're going to leave her or not be there for her. Wanting to do everything herself so she doesn't need anybody. She didn't want my hand when she was learning to walk stairs even though she would fall without it. I had stay so close to catch her every time. When she first came, she would not make eye contact with me when I was holding her. She wanted to be held, but not actually develop a connection with the person holding her.

It took such a long time to get her to trust us. It's still and probably will always be a hurdle she will have to overcome, to allow herself to trust people. To believe that people are good, and that especially her parents won't hurt her or let her down when in fact we're the ones who love her the most.

This is hard isn't it? This reality that we can be damaged for life so early in life.
But it's also hard, because I think we can all realize, that when we look at our own relationship with God, these same things come into play. We often struggle to trust him. We believe that He has at some point or another let us down when we needed Him. I realized today as I was speaking with a friend that as I have struggled to pray since all of this COVID craziness it's really deep down because I am mad at Him for letting it happen. And because I'm mad, it means I really don't trust that He is doing what's best for me and taking care of me. We push him away when He's the only one who can help us, when He's the one that loves us more than anyone, when He is actually taking good care of us, and is the only one who will. We'd rather do it ourselves, than risk relying on Him and being let down. The saddest part about that, is that He never let us down. We are blaming him for the devil's hurts just like Jadence is angry at me for things that happened to her before she knew me. Its the greatest, and maybe only lie the devil tells: that God can't be trusted. The devil uses all kinds of hurt and sin to make it seem like God has let us down. But I promise you He has not. And you know it, and want to believe it, and it's ok to let yourself believe it today. And if you're still struggling to believe that, look at the cross. Does it make sense that the God who did that for you would ever let you down? 

There are a lot of experts and a lot of books about helping children cope with attachment issues. There are a lot of theories, and every child is so different, and some so severely hurt even professionals don't know how to help. But overwhelmingly, the best thing we can do for Jadence and many of these kids is to love them unconditionally, consistently, intentionally. Love them when they hate us. Love them when they show more affection to a stranger at the mall. Love them when they throw their 15th tantrum for the day. Today, Jadence was sitting a timeout in my lap at the park, thrashing around saying she wanted to get away, but as soon as I let my arms go, she would quickly grab them and wrap them back around herself. So conflicted, wanting my love, and yet being so afraid to let herself love me. So I just held her, the whole time. Everytime she told me to let her go, I did, everytime she wrapped my arms tightly again, I held her close. 

This is what Jesus does for us too. He loves us even when we hate Him. Even when we ignore Him. He is patient with us. He consistently, time, after time, after time loves us and hopes we love Him in return some day.

The difference is, I will fail Jadence. I will lose my temper and yell when I should speak words with love. I will hurry her when I should be patient. I will want to be loved in return. Not everyday, but once in a while I will fail her. But Jesus will not. And that is my prayer. That she (and all of us) will know His love, that never fails. His love is the only thing, that will "fix" us from our disorder. Because we've all wondered those first lines from that song, what if we trust him and He lets us down, what if He breaks our heart in two?

But as the song goes on to reply:

"What if I was made for you and you were made for me
What if this is it, what if it's meant to be"

And we really are, made for Him.

There were so many fears and what-if's when we said that scary "yes" to Jadence almost three years ago, but in Sept 2018 she became Jadence Katherine Full and laid her head on my shoulder and the song refrain and God responded:

"What if one of these days baby I'd go and change your name
What if I loved all these what ifs away"

She is spunky and fun. It takes almost nothing to make her smile or giggle. She thrives on attention and she hangs right with her brothers in a wrestling match or running around the house. She is a complete sandwich of a tom-boy and the girliest girl you've ever met, which she shows off often as she dresses up in princess dresses with super-hero masks and roars around the house. She's a farm girl who'd rather wear boots any day of the week and wants to be on the tractor and with the cows if that's where her dad is, and if she can do it with a pretty dress on that's even better. And her favorite place in the whole entire world is sitting on her dad's lap. And those are my favorite moments, because I get to see her truly happy. Not hurting, not wanting to be happy but unable to trust. When she's sitting on his lap, she is at peace, and there is no more beautiful girl in the whole world than a girl at peace in the arms of her father.

Its been a long three years, but I am so incredibly grateful every day that our "what if" turned out to be "meant to be."

Somedays, she comes over unexpectedly after an outburst or tantrum and gives me a big hug and says so sincerely, "I'm sorry mommy". Her hugs mean so much more, because I know the journey it's been to get to the place where she not only wants to hug me, but trusts me enough to hug me. A small feeling, I'm sure, compared to what God feels after waiting patiently for us to climb into his lap and rest for a while.

A Really Good Rain

It's been so dry here in our part of the world. The grass is beginning to die and the plants that have been battling extreme heat and wind for the last two weeks are really showing it. They need water. Rains have circled round us and missed. We've watched them come and go to the North, East and West without a drop on our doorstep. There is so much dust it covers everything. So last night, when I heard the beautiful sound of a crack of thunder and rain pouring on the roof above my bedroom it was music to my soul and lifted my spirits. I drifted peacefully back to sleep, one more worry gone, one more time I've been granted what I needed, one more reminder I am taken care of so I can snuggle in and sleep comfortably.
When I woke up later, I was overjoyed to see the rain still coming down so nicely. It's such a nice rain when it just comes slowly, evenly, without harsh winds or too much at once. It's so great for the crops and the soil. I was surprised then, when my 9 year old came upstairs and also saw the rain and had a completely opposite reaction. "No! It's raining!" and put his sad pouting lip out.
We started baseball this week to the joy of my children (and me). But today was only the second day of practice for my nine year old who has been itching to play for the last 3 months. His mind isn't on the crops and he cares little about the lawn, his mind is only on baseball this time of year and so he was devastated.  He tried convincing me surely they would still be practicing. "Maybe all the kids could wear swimming trunks to practice? Call the coaches and tell them mom!" "Oh buddy, I know you really wanted to play baseball today, but there will be another day to play, and we really needed the rain. This is a really good rain." He just slumped with a pouting lip into his chair. 
I know he knows we can't control this and he's just going to have to be sad about it for a while and move on with a new plan for the day. I know I've been where he is, only seeing things from my own perspective and how they affect me.
I can't help but be sad about everything that is going on in the world today. And I am still wrestling with how much of it could be avoided were it not for our human sin. And yet, God is allowing it. It doesn't mean He wants us to sin, but it does mean that He's allowing us to act in our free will and He is using it for His good purpose.
I have spent my fair share of time slumped in the chair with a pouting lip because of all the things I was doing and looking forward to and plans I had made. I've been pouting because I miss the world I used to live in that I am mourning the loss of. I'm heartbroken because many workings of the church that have been built upon for many years came to a halt overnight. I'm crying because there is conflict everywhere, even in places where there didn't used to be between friends/families/churches, or at least it wasn't so apparent. Sometimes it seems like I was cruising along on the most sunny beautiful days and I woke up expecting the sun just like every other day, but it was pouring rain instead.
And I was sad about this, I saw every reason (a lot of really good ones too) why we should be sad. The loss of the Eucharist, the loss of community, the loss of family, the loss of support, the loss of economic stability that will in turn lead to poverty, that leads to loss of health, loss of life. I've watched people sitting on facebook bragging about bing-watching netflix all day while my family and my friends who are farmers worked 18 hour days to put in crops and take care of animals to feed a country all the while knowing they may be losing money instead of being paid because there is no one willing or able to buy and process the products they are raising. Our church pews are empty, people I love are attending funerals of people they love who have committed suicide,  addicts left alone and with idle time have more temptations than ever. There is a lot to be sad about. There is good reason for us to pout. And yet, I hear Him say, "but we really need the rain."
I don't like it, when my world gets flipped upside down, when everything I was working so hard on crumbles. I know the devil is doing a lot of  work right now to destroy and when I focus on that I can get very discouraged. But I also know, and I need reminding now and then (thank you friends), that love always triumphs. God always wins. What the devil destroys God uses to rebuilt even stronger. A rainy day, sometimes even a storm, is not fun to endure, but below the surface, it is feeding the plant, it is in fact the only way the plant will ever survive and grow.
I wouldn't have done it this way. My son would have rather had a sunny day to play baseball. He wouldn't have realized even the baseball field needed water, and there wouldn't be any money for baseball if the crops all die. I would have rather continued on with sunny days here in the United States, but maybe I can't see what we really need. Maybe we really needed this rain. Maybe our luke-warm churches needed a wake up call. Maybe the divisions that are coming to light were a cancer growing undetected that can now be treated once it is made known. Maybe we farmers needed to be reminded we till the soil for God and not ourselves. Maybe we all needed to realize who we were putting out trust and hope in. Maybe it's not about us at all but the needs of our brothers and sisters who are living without the hope of Jesus. Maybe Jesus saw that a sunny day wouldn't help us all have a great eternity with Him in heaven. Maybe it's time to stop pouting and just trust that as hard as it is to let go of what we had planned, maybe this is exactly what we need. Maybe there's work happening below the surface that I can't see. Maybe, just maybe, it's actually a really good rain.

Jesus said it best in today's gospel "Your Father knows what you need before you ask him." Mt 6:8

Think About These Things

Really quick read this morning: I don't know if you've been like me and being weighed down by both the fear that is being spread by all sectors of the media, our own fears for what is becoming of our country and our day to day living, and the internal struggle we have over what we are to do about it, but if so, I wanted to share my reflection this morning.

I just began reading the Discernment of Spirits by Timothy Gallagher and the very first thing he discusses is St. Ignatius's realization that when he thought about worldly things they left him feeling sad afterwards, but when he thought about the Godly things he realized he was being called to them because they left him happy and at peace long after thinking of them.

I  might have not been quickly to hop on to this line of thinking that seems, well, just a little too easy and simple for our complicated world! Except that I have experienced the same in my own discernment of things probably over many years of my life, but specifically just over the past few months and especially this past weekend. I think I have written already that when I read articles about the virus, about politics, and about church decisions, they create a great sadness in me, one that is hard to shake for a very long time. Anger, fear, all of these things are stirred from pretty much anything in the news right now. And those feelings don't spur me to action but instead seem to immobilize me. Thinking of those things seem to make it so that even the tasks in front of me like the dishes and the laundry and sweeping the floor and playing with my children are very daunting. 

But thinking about the work that God has tasked me to do, caring for my children and foster children, and the youth and people of my church, that brings me such joy and motivates me to action.  

Picking dandelions with my children leaves a joy that lasts for hours. 

Teaching them all the camp songs I had long forgotten brings laughter and memories that swell the heart.  Calling friends from my church and hearing the sound of their voices is like medicine to the soul. A text group of my college girlfriends has me giggling while cooking dinner. A game of kick ball, a puzzle completed, the chickens fed, the fence fixed, they all bring joy that encourages me and energizes me to do more. And talking about and writing about trusting God and him having us all in the palm of His hand leaves me peace that lasts all day. Just to say those words brings such peace doesn't it? I trust You, Lord. 

I would like this advice in Philippians to be written on my heart each day: 

"Rejoice in the Lord, always, again I will say, rejoice. Let your gentleness be known to everyone. The Lord is near. do not worry about anything but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Finally beloved, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is pleasing, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence and if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things. Keep on doing the things you have learned and received and heard and seen in me and the God of peace will be with you." Phil 3:4-8

That's really all the advice we need right now. What might our world look like if we all did this? Our media would stop writing the way they do if we would stop clicking on and reading those articles. We would certainly treat each other more kindly if we had such peace in our hearts that we treated everyone with gentleness. We could share that peace if we would only stop worrying and trust God with our requests. What if we stopped tearing each other down but talking about what is good in each other? Even in our politicians? 

Let us as Christians change the world in this way today. Let us lead by example, that others might see the world crashing around us and our unfailing peace and ask how they may experience the same. Let us allow God to give us the gift of peace in a time of uncertainty. Simply, the freedom of what I choose to think about, is one that cannot be taken by any law or person or pandemic. I do think the devil is working hard at this time do control just exactly that, but the Holy Spirit will show you what things He wants you to think about and do by what brings you joy and peace. 

"Keep on doing the things you have learned and received and heard and seen in me, and the God of peace will be with you."

I'm Fine, It's Fine, Everything is Fine

I'm Fine, It's Fine, Everything is FINE. I saw it on a T-shirt awhile ago and wish I had one. I do this a lot to my poor husband when he asks what's wrong. "Nothing, I'm fine." Lies! The shirt jokes at this of course, every man whose been married longer than five minutes knows its not true when a woman says she's fine.
So, I want to ask. How are you....really? This has been hard hasn't it?

Here's Sam waiting for Nathaniel to finish his schoolwork and come play. Poor guy!
I'm sure we could each pick a specific piece that's been our breaking point, but the combination of so many life changes, additional stress, loss of support systems and isolation has been challenging for everyone. Read that again. EVERYONE. I know, you just read someones facebook post talking about how much they love this time at home with their kids, and they do. But that doesn't mean they haven't cried themselves to sleep because they miss their grandmother whose funeral they weren't allowed to attend. I know your child's teacher is a rockstar who made this distance learning thing look like their best work yet and has had an energetic smile on zoom every day, but you'd be kidding yourself if you didn't think she hasn't slumped to the floor of the empty classroom in tears just aching to hug your kiddos one more time. There are those pastors with thousands of followers preaching words of peace over social media and they have never felt so alone in all their lives.  And then there are those that are afraid. Afraid of the virus. Afraid to die or lose someone they love. Afraid of the loss of freedom. Afraid of food shortages. Afraid of losing their business, their home. Afraid of the loss of income, of security, of life as we know it.
But "I'm fine" you'll say when I ask how you are. "It's fine, everything is fine."
So first I'm going to say, let's stop lying to each other. No one is fine right now. No one. I haven't met anyone yet. Ask a few more questions and you get the real answer. No one thinks this is the ideal way to live. We miss each other. We miss church. We need each other and until we resume life lived in community no one will be "fine". For those of you who keep coining the phrase "life won't ever go back to normal" please stop. If you haven't realized already, you will soon, isolation is no way to live. If it was, we would have done it years ago when we discovered just how disease is spread. We decided then, it was worth the risk to be around other people, and I'm quite positive we will collectively decide that again soon, I think most already have.
The problem is, when you pretend you're ok, or even boast about how great you're doing, you make everyone else feel like they are sub-par. The devil swoops right in and fills minds with thoughts of being not good enough, "everyone else is fine why not me? Must be something wrong with me"...Lies. Do me a favor, when you hear that voice, just call the devil a liar to his face and move along please.

The second thing I want to say, is that you actually are going to be fine. I'll be the first to admit there are many days I fall right to the very bottom of the fear hole. There's a lot of scary stuff going on right now. If you watch liberal media we're probably all going to die from a virus or a killer hornet?! If you watch conservative media we are probably one rigged election away from communism and I might be shot just for writing this blog post. If you watch both or neither the fact that media is conservative or liberal to begin with is pretty scary in itself isn't it? Man I miss unbiased and uncensored journalism. Do you think they teach that anymore?
I'm getting off topic, the point is, I realize from most angles things look bleak, and there is a lot of fear. Days when I allow myself to read or watch some of those things are always really hard days. There are a hundred different topics that I have been wanting to write about over the last couple of weeks but there just seems to be one thing that God keeps pointing me back to: "Do not be afraid." Even when it doesn't seem fine, even when the world is in chaos, even when we are lonely, even when everything is different than we hoped it would be, we are fine.
This is the promise of Jesus, of Christianity. If this world is all there is, you're not fine, the world is a mess and doesn't look like it's getting better anytime soon. But if Jesus really lived and died for us so that we could be reunited with God, then we are ok. Everything will be fine. "So you will have pain now; but I will see you again, and your hearts will rejoice, and no one will take away your joy from you." Jn 16:22 
This has been a theme and concept I have struggled with and prayed over for the past 9 years as a foster mom. How to be "fine" when I constantly have something to worry about. There have been and always will be children living outside of my home who I love as my own but I cannot protect. There are children living inside my home and I can't control the actions of their birth parents and the emotional effect they have on my kids. There is so very little I have control over, and fear of what is happening or what might happen could completely cripple me, and has on occasion. How do I do it? I get asked that a lot by people who say they could "never do foster care." The answer is simple: I believe this isn't the end of the story, but only the beginning. Whatever happens here, it hurts, it stinks, it bruises us and cuts us and we shed so many tears. But part of that is because we were never meant to live here in the midst of an evil world. We were meant for eternity, for heaven. This pain, this dysfunction of society, it hurts even worse because we weren't meant for it. We were created only to love and be loved, and anything less than that will always leave us hurting, and aching for the real desire of our hearts.
So you really will be fine, everything really is fine because this isn't the end, only the end of hurt and sorrow and the beginning of never ending joy. But until then, you can also be "actually" fine right now. Because that gift that He is giving us of eternal peace and joy is here right, right now wrapped in a bow sitting on your doorstep just waiting for you to open it.
"Jesus answered them, "Do you now believe? The hour is coming, indeed it has come, when you will be scattered, each one to his home, and you will leave me alone. Yet I am not alone because the Father is with me. I have said this to you, so that in me you may have peace. In the world you face persecution. But take courage, I have conquered the world!" Jn 16:32-33
That text from the gospel of John is quite fitting isn't it? But do not miss the promise that's repeated all over the new testament: "I am not alone because the Father is with me." I do not have to wait until I die to experience the peace and joy of unity with the Father. It is a gift that is given now through the Holy Spirit, but it is one we often leave unopened. We forget, we pack it up, we open fear instead. When I remember I am not alone, when I invite the Holy Spirit to be with me, I am just fine. I get this gift in an actual physical way when I receive the actual body of Jesus in the Eucharist, which is why I have cried more tears over the absence of Mass than I've probably ever cried before, and I continue to beg the church to not abandon her people and continue to bring heaven to earth through the sacraments Jesus gave us. But until we can receive them again, the spirit also lives in us through our baptism and we continue to walk in unity with God every day. His peace is there for the taking each day we choose to sit with Him, to talk to Him, to read scripture, and He is there working through others as well. We can long for heaven, and we can also enjoy the peace and freedom of it now if we choose to fully believe. 
Now, I'm not saying you're being called to sit back and hum and take naps while the world is crashing around you (and seriously, if you're just watching netflix all day, PLEASE STOP!). I think Jesus was pretty bold in his commands of us to love our neighbors, care for the poor, stand up against injustice, and make other disciples. Don't pray for potatoes without a hoe in your hand is what they teach us out here on the farm. God will grow them but you have to do the work to put them in the ground and take care of them.

So we probably have to do something about what's going on in our life or our world right now if we think something needs to change. But, it doesn't have to cause us worry or fear or steal our joy or hope, because our hope isn't in making this world just the way we'd like it to be.  The goal, our HOPE, is Jesus restoring the relationship we had lost with our Father, bringing the most souls to back to unity with Him. Our JOY is His presence with us each moment of each day. When the goal is heaven, we can move forward in confidence that if we do all we can, and pray all we can, God's will will be done, and it will all be fine. Everything will be just fine. Everything IS actually fine.