We've Moved!!

 Hi Everyone! We have launched a new website at www.fullfamilyfarms.com and I will be blogging from there from now on. This site will stay active until I have transferred past blog posts to the new site, but please visit https://fullfamilyfarms.com/?page_id=9 to see new blog posts!

Our Father who Gives Abundantly

Ten years ago God set our family on a new path. I think we might have even thought for a while we were making a sacrifice, when instead, it was just the beginning to an abundance of blessing we had no idea was even possible. Ten years ago we were meeting our son Nathaniel for the first time, but he wasn't our son. He had another mom, who loved him greatly. And we were only taking care of him for 6 months until she thought she would be able to care for him herself. 

The decision to do this, on our part, was a letting go of dreams and wishes and plans that we had for our life. The plans we had after we got married to have 10 babies (yes, that was seriously the plan, and even funnier: I hoped and prayed to have twins/triplets/quadruplets so I could "get back to work sooner". It's ok if you want to go back in time and talk some sense in to me, I'd appreciate it.) But my body wasn't cooperating with the plan. One by one, year after year, my babies died after I'd heard their beating hearts but before they ever took a breath of air. I buried them in the ground along with pieces of my heart but I could never bury my plan to have a baby. I held it tightly in my hands, clenching tighter with each loss. Each time I felt it slipping away I tried even harder to hold on. 

"Unless a grain of wheat falls to the ground and dies, it remains just a grain of wheat; but if it dies, it produces much fruit. Whoever loves his life loses it, and whoever hates his life in this world will preserve it for eternal life." Jn 12:22

God so gently tried to convince me to just let go of it, to leave my hands open for something different instead. Its a lot easier to let go of something bad we know we shouldn't hold on to. But this was good. Why would God want me to let go of something good like having a baby, being a mom, raising a family? I didn't know why, but I knew that holding tight to something I THOUGHT would bring me joy was actually making me miserable because I had convinced myself I could not be happy if God didn't give me this one thing I wanted. I knew that God was good. I knew that He wanted me to be happy even more than I did. And I knew that many many times before I had thrown my hands open trusting Him to do just that and He always had. So I let go, painfully. I buried my dreams in the dirt. I cried so many tears, I felt I was letting go of everything I had ever wanted. But I also trusted He had something even better for me that I couldn't see. And for the first time in a long time, I was at peace. I was a child who knew she was being taken care of by her father. 

I had no idea at that very moment our 10 year olds heart was already beating below his mothers. I had no idea that the very next day someone would walk into my office, tell me about Nathaniel and God would begin to reveal His greater plan for us. I had no idea I could possibly love a little boy so much or the way he would transform our hearts and lives. I had no idea that the death of my plans to have 10 children would lead to God blessing me with even more than 10 children. But that's exactly what he did. Nathaniel, (born on the feast of St. Joseph, the patron saint of foster parents because God finds it humerus to be blatantly obvious with us) led us to the ministry of foster care, something we "fell into", not something we never set out to do. Foster care, allowed God to drop children in our laps. After years of waiting to get pregnant, waiting 9 months for a baby to be born, now we would get phone calls and babies would be at our doorstep within a few days, hours or even minutes. 

After years of wishing for "twins" or "triplets" we often found ourselves with 2 or 3 children all the same age. For a good 6 years we had 3 kids in diapers at almost all times. (Careful what you pray for!) And not only was God blessing us with children to care for, He was adding their birth families to our family as well. This ministry drew other church members and friends into the circle of our family as God changed what the word family meant to us. This way of blessing us has also come with sacrifice, pain, heartache, but never that which has exceeded the blessing. 

Ten years ago I thought I was asking for something great as I hoped to give birth to 10 children, or even just one child. But now I know, what I was asking for then was so much less than what God wanted to bless me with. And He had to withhold what I was asking for, so that He could give me the greater things already in the works. 

Since Christmas, Nathaniel has been asking for a Nerf bow and arrow. He was disappointed not to get it at Christmas and he's been anticipating it for his birthday. He has asked over and over again. He made me a list of 3 things he wanted, this toy bow and arrow at the top. "Even if you can't get everything else mom, please can you get me the Nerf bow and arrow?" he would plead. 

What he didn't know, was that even back before Christmas we had ordered him a REAL bow and 7 REAL arrows. We had intended to give them to him at Christmas but they were back-ordered so we decided to wait until his birthday. All this time, while he's been begging for the fake, the pretend, the lesser gift, we have set in motion to give him something greater that he himself has not even yet thought to ask for. 

Yesterday, we had party for Nathaniel and his friends. We piled up boxes of pizzas loaded with cheese and toppings, poured glass upon glass of soda, and dished out huge slices of rich chocolate cake. And they would feast, and then run off to play and leave a table filled with leftovers. Half-eaten pieces of cake, pizza slices with just a few bites out of them, cups half full of pop or juice. Lets be honest, if this was a normal day I would have scolded my children for being wasteful. But we were feasting. I had been doling out huge portions of cake and saying, eat more pizza, there is so much left! So I wasn't upset when they couldn't finish it all. Actually, I looked at it and thought of God's goodness. This is the way He loves us. Lavishly. Over-abundantly. He gives us "too much" grace because He can. "Too many" blessings because it's fun for him the way it's fun to give a ten year old the biggest piece of cake they've ever had. He offers us more than we can possibly handle. Does He wish we could take it all in? Absolutely. But is He so generous and good that He keeps dishing out huge portions for us even if we will only take a single bite? Yes. 

This is the cross. This is the Good Friday we will celebrate so very soon. His sacrifice opens for us eternity in paradise and a whole life of blessing and we often take it for granted or walk away from the table all together. He offers us himself each Sunday, and many of us never show up for the feast. He offers to take our burdens upon His own shoulders so we can live free and at peace, and we often cling on and continue to carry those burdens ourselves. But how He loves us. Even though we keep "wasting" it, He keeps dishing it out, hoping this time, we'll drink it up. 

I take them for granted a lot of days, these 5 blessings that live here and the many more who live in other houses now. I forget, I fail, I go through the motions, I walk away from the table hungry when it's set with a feast. But some days, like today, I see the half-eaten cake, see the sparkle in their eyes, feel their soft hand in mine, hear the miraculous word "mom" that they speak to me. Their giggles wash over me like waves and their smiles are medicine to my soul. Has a smile with a missing tooth ever been any more adorable in the history of the world? Have the softly whispered, "I love you, or I'm sorry" ever sounded so much like music? Today I feast on His blessings that are so abundant and I wonder how its possible that eye has not seen anything like the blessings He has in store for us in Heaven. 

It is already set in motion, the way He plans to abundantly bless us. But we will have to open our hand to receive it, and that means we will have to let go of the things we are holding on to so tightly. And that is hard. But not as hard when we remember just how much He wants to bless us. Not when we compare the seed of our sacrifice to the tree of blessings He will grow from it.

Nathaniel kept asking for his fake bow and arrow and I kept saying "do you want that more than the gift Dad has for you?" to which I could see his internal struggle and then he would painfully say "no." But he still had his heart set on it. So on the morning of his birthday as he finally opened his REAL gift, he was thrilled to get it but we could also tell he was disappointed after all the gifts were opened that he did not also get the fake bow he had spent so many hours wishing for. We have to be careful, being so specific about the blessings we ask to receive. We have to be careful if we're asking for things that are counterfeit to real grace. Because then, when the real blessings come, when the GREAT gifts are given, we might not even fully appreciate them if we've had our hearts set on the fake gifts instead. Do we ask for things instead of love? Do we ask for situations to go the way we want instead of asking for what is best for all? Do we remember and trust that if we stick a seed in the ground it will only grow when and how the creator wills it?

What are you asking your Father for today? There is no one on this earth who wants better for you than He does. That is a promise I will stake my life on.  So go ahead and just let go. 

"Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who seeks, finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened. Which one of you would hand his son a stone, when he asks for a loaf of bread, or a snake when he asks for a fish? If you then, who are wicked, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your heavenly Father give good things to those who ask him." Mt 7:7-11

We don't need to be so specific. Just ask for blessings. He knows better than we do what is a fish and what is a snake. Often, probably always, what we are asking for is so much less than what He wants to give us. What if we opened our hands to just receive whatever it is He is giving out? What if we came to the table and really feasted on what was put before us? 

My hands are open Lord and my dreams are buried in the dirt and I am at peace.

We're all Bad Guys

Bella and I were out on a rare lunch date after her doctor appointments. When you have 5-sometimes-9 kids, its extra special to have time one-on-one with them, and they soak this up too. Bella wanted "pop" and "pizza" but mostly pop as she was sure to tell me over and over again until we finally pulled in to pizza ranch. Normally I'm chasing two or three littles and trying to make sure no one gets run over in the parking lot, making sure no one disappears in the restaurant, and that a major food fight doesn't break out. When it's just us, I have time to actually be that fun mom I used to be. I loved having the time to be patient with her while she slowly climbs out of the van and takes forever to walk in to the building so she can look at everything on the way. I love being able to let her come along and pick out what she wants from the buffet and hear her stories and sit across the table and soak up her sweet smile. I love that when I ask her if we should pray, she instantly sits up straight, sets down her pizza, makes the sign of the cross, folds her hands and prays along. I soak up every moment of the whole meal and when I go to get her dessert I get her dessert pizza AND a cookie slice just because I can. I'm probably beaming as I set the plate in front of her and watch her eyes grow big.  This is the fun part of being a mom. 

And then a man approaches our table and says "You don't know me from Adam, but I've been watching you and you are so impressive. You would make any Dad proud. When you prayed with your daughter earlier, that was great. You're doing a great job and I just had to tell you, you make a Dad proud."

It was really sweet of him to say. But I couldn't help as I thanked him to be sure to mention I have plenty of not-so-nice moments that he doesn't see. 

Taking compliments has always been hard for me but I've been struggling with this a lot lately. I see my sin everyday. Up close and personal. Every second of it. And it's really ugly. I see all the times I yell at the kids, all the times I am so impatient and selfish and honestly just mean. Those sins run like a movie reel through my head the rest of the day, the week, the month. The worst ones stick the longest, replay over and over and over again. The times I let them down. The times I was too busy to notice. The 100 times I picked up my phone instead of playing with them. The books I didn't read. The list goes on almost forever of things I have failed at and I'm probably adding to it as I write this (like the wrinkled laundry I am avoiding...). 

As we entered into Lent this week its absolutely a season of recognizing our sin. Repent and believe in the Gospel right? It's our yearly wake up call to recognize our sin. Yes. But it's something more than that and it took that outing with Bella combined with Xavier's reaction to Ash Wednesday Mass to get me to really see it this year...let me tell you about it... 

Xavier was crabby and tired and spent the first half of the Ash Wednesday Mass that started 15 minutes after his normal bed time saying (yelling) "I no want to go to church!" But then the priest marked his face with mud and the night started looking up. Those tired 3 year old eyes perked up and started taking it all in. Eyes sparkling when we get back to our pew, he proudly says to me, "I bad guy!" I chuckle and wish he wasn't so excited about this news, and then he says with a huge grin like he just caught me sneaking a cookie, "You bad guy too!" 

'He's not wrong', I'm thinking. That's actually pretty much the point, yes. He starts looking around and pointing out others with ashes on their faces and saying "He bad guy too!" He is thrilled, giddy even. And he is so right. We are all bad guys. We don't think like that often. When we tell the story we usually cast ourselves the good guy and make someone else out to be the bad guy. But we are all here on Ash Wednesday and all here at church on Sundays because we know we are bad. We sin. We fail. At everything. All the time. But I forget it. Sometimes I know I'm the bad guy and I'm sure I'm worse than anyone else in the room. They all seem pretty good and perfect even. Sometimes, I see my own sin but I don't see theirs, and I sometimes forget I am sitting shoulder to shoulder with other "bad guys", with other people who have also failed. Its the beauty of Ash Wednesday, for just one day, we can see it, we stop hiding our failures and we wear them on our face.

I kind of wish we could wear them all the time, just to set the record straight. So that someone might not see me out with my daughter at a restaurant and crown me mom of the year. If I was wearing those ashes then they could see what I see when I look in the mirror. And I was thinking of this as Bella and I walked out of the restaurant and I wished I could actually be that mom that man thinks I am. 

And that's when I realized just what he said. "You don't know me from Adam." You don't get it, God was saying to me. You don't know me like you should because of sin. You don't know me. If you did, you would know I don't see you the way you see yourself. You would know I don't look at your sin. I see you the way that man did. Even though I know your worst, I still see your best. You are impressive and you make a Dad proud.

How long have I been forgetting the way my Father loves me? I see my sin but He sees the best in me. When I am covered in mud he sees beauty underneath. I can stack up my sins and failures for days and think that they cover up anything that might be good in me, and I forget that His blood covers my sins and He makes me new. I forget that it's the voice of the accuser who keeps calling me by my sins and telling me that my worth lies in my ability to overcome them and it's the voice of my father that says "you are good, you make a Dad proud." 

It's the season of Lent and that absolutely means it's time to recognize our sin and return to Jesus. It is absolutely the time to recognize that we are all bad guys. And it is most certainly time to see and remember that we were created, and still are, GOOD. Wanted. Loved. By the King of the Universe. If a hundred other voices are telling you something differently, I hope tonight you recognize they are not the voice of truth. I hope you will hear the Father saying you are good, and I hope you believe it tonight. I hope you make it to the confessional to let go of that sin that is making it hard to block out the lies. I hope you resolve to do what you can to avoid sin in the future knowing that only by handing it over to Jesus will you ever really win that battle, and I hope, I really hope you know... 

you make Him proud. 

The Time America Lost her Luggage

I remember the day a I heard a speaker share this quote from Maya Angelou:  

 “I’ve learned that you can tell a lot about a person by the way (s)he handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights.” 

I've heard a lot of quotes over my life but this one stuck with me. I had never considered it before, that it mattered so much how someone handles something difficult. I suppose it's because I wanted to be judged on my best day and not my worst. I was sure the nice show I put on for the world on a sunny day when everything was going my way was the sum total of who I was and the most important part. But then, I was a young 20-something when I heard this quote with a rose-colored vision of reality. But still, it seemed like good advice, and I remembered it. I'm a pretty optimistic person so I can find the blessing in a rainy day and curl up with a book or a movie or head right out and dance or jump in the puddles. I see tangled Christmas tree lights as good old fashioned puzzle and enjoy the challenge. I sized myself up and thought I must be a pretty good person. I haven't ever lost my luggage but I don't care much for clothes or material things, if I'm already on vacation I'm sure I wouldn't be bothered by that at all. I was quite pleased with my self-assessment of myself. And then... I lost my luggage. A bunch of times.

A week long trip to Texas for work and my boss convinced me to check my luggage, "it's easier" he said. If you've ever lost your luggage you know the feeling, you watch the conveyor belt growing more and more anxious with each passing bag, soon you're sure you're seeing the same ones go by. And then the belt stops and you know. But you search around the area anyway, and then the feeling of despair. My THINGS! I needed those! I have a business conference and I can't go in these sweatpants and tennis shoes I'm wearing! My makeup! My hair products! My swimsuit so I can relax in the hotel pool! My THINGS! 

Until this point I've been my "Minnesota-nice" self and have been allowing others to go first, saying excuse me, smiling at the cute elderly couple or the young family or the stranger who seems like they're having a bad day. Suddenly I care little about anyone else in the entire airport and only about retrieving back my things, my control, my plan for how this week was going to go. I learn the "drill" of making the report of missing luggage, get handed a nice little bag from the airline with a tshirt and a toothbrush and sent on my way. (Side bar: Dear Airline marketing department, don't put your logo on these tshirts next time. It's like a walking billboard that says "I'm wearing this tshirt because this airline lost my luggage. Choose to fly with someone else!" Every time I see it in my house it reminds me of the terrible experience and in case I forgot which airline... oh there, your name is right there on the tshirt so I won't forget.) Back on topic. I head back to the hotel and mope and worry. The airline doesn't even know where our luggage is or when we could, if ever, get it back. Multiple phone calls from the airport over the next two days and I couldn't enjoy or be very present at my trip until we finally got it back. The anxiety over this lost $50 worth of clothes consumed me. 

I have actually lost my luggage quite a few more times after this experience. I'm hardly a world traveler, just have terrible luck to the point that I will do pretty much anything to not have to check my luggage anymore. Pack for 7 days in a carry-on? You bet I can!

Anyway, I wish I could say I responded better the next time this happened but that would be a lie. It might have gotten worse each time because then I start to get the "why me's!?!" and can whine to everyone I meet because things always go wrong for me and the airline always looses my luggage! Waa waa....I mean, I know at least once I just broke down and cried about it. Another time I was so rude to the airline personnel, and at least once I remember sitting under an umbrella on a beach on a tropical island with a Mai Tai in front of me, everyone else is having a great time and I'm just stressed and angry about my lost luggage. 

You can sure tell a lot about me now right? Didn't quite stack up to that great person I thought I was when I was faced with losing my things, plans being changed. Didn't prioritize being kind, caring for others, never even crossed my mind to find the silver lining. So this is me. 

Obviously it wouldn't be fair to judge our whole total self and life on how we react to stressful situations like losing our luggage. You can be a great person 90 percent of the time, none of us our perfect. But I do think it helps us to look at the way we respond to those things to see our sin, the room we have to improve. Turns out I thought material things didn't matter to me because I'm not a shopper but I saw quickly I am too attached to "my" own things and my money as I didn't want to pay to replace them either.  I thought I was compassionate and put others first and I realized when life wasn't going my way I really only thought about myself.  

 Here's the grand point you've read so far to get to. I've been thinking all along that 2020 was the year America lost her luggage. We were cruising along, feeling like a pretty great country, who looked out for others, cared about people, met challenges head on and stood strong through them, and then last March....we lost our luggage. I think what was in the luggage was different for everyone. I think for some it is the fear of losing their own life, and for others its the fear of losing someone they love. I think for some it was the loss of normal living, common sense, life as we know it, truth, security, the list goes on. There are probably a million other things we could insert in here. But you know it, when you look around. Not everyone has responded this way, but as a whole country, I think it's safe to say that pretty much overnight we quit caring about people and we saw just how selfish we are. Ministries that have served people for decades closed their doors. Services for our disabled adults and children disappeared and many still are not being offered. Vulnerable children? No time to think about them when we're trying to protect ourselves. Are there a lot of people out there who did a bunch of super-star things over the last year to reach out to others? Absolutely. There are some people who really shine when luggage is lost. But are there a vast majority of us that have gotten to see just how selfish we are? Yes.

Did you know children in foster care didn't get to have visits with their birth parents for MONTHS during the pandemic last spring? You probably didn't, and you probably do care, but we're all so worried about other things you won't notice that. Did you know every person from my friends' AA/NA class relapsed during the pandemic because of their loss of jobs and support? No one rarely wants to talk about the opiod crisis but we definitely are pretending that's not a thing right now. Did you know that children who are developmentally disabled or delayed under the age of 3 have not received anything other than "zoom" visits from providers since the pandemic started last year? We say they'll be fine, but its just the most important developmental years they never get back. Did you know Unicef estimates "an additional 6.7 million children under the age of five are in danger of starving because of the socio-economic impact of the COVID-19 pandemic? No, we can't possibly care about or do anything about that when we are unsure what the future holds for our own family now. And then, there are all those severed friendships, relationships of people we love, but the pandemic exposed a deep disagreement and it's caused the relationship to fall apart. 

As a community, when we had a sunny day, when things were going well, we put all these things in place to care for the vulnerable members of our society. All these rules and laws and ministries to look out for people, to help them, to give them what they need so they can have the best chance possible to succeed. When things are going well, we are a good friend, a good person. But then, we lost our luggage. And we didn't care anymore. And no one else cared either. And everyone's still getting paid so doesn't really matter how hard we try right? And people are just going to be mad so we just have to let them go their own way right?

This is negative guys, and I know, trust me I know the world is FULL of amazing people who are doing a great job looking out for others. But some of us, especially me, could do a little examining of our hearts. We are good people here in America, I still believe that. But we aren't handling this well at all and it should tell us something important about ourselves that we need to address. This is why God has brought us to this moment in time, I believe. Why are we so worried about what's in that suitcase? Don't we know we don't really need anything in there? The things we hold so dear, our plans, our goals, our dreams, our reputation, the people we love, our life, the lives of our children even, they will all pass away. None of it is lasting and no amount of holding it close to us will give us any more control over how long we get to keep any of it. But worrying about it will steal away everything from us. Can we stop for a second and look up and see there is a beach and sunshine here? If we could just let go of that baggage we're so obsessed with, maybe we could see the people and blessings He's putting right in front of us. Maybe that airport clerk or that disagreeable person in your office need you to see that they're having a bad day and bring them the hope they cannot find. Maybe that elderly neighbor needs your visit more than they need to be "safe". Maybe our children need to be prioritized again, because a nation that prioritizes her children will have a bright future. Maybe there is beauty here, in the hot, stinky airport even. I mean, now that your hands are empty, you could hold the door for that cute elderly couple or carry a bag for that family with their hands full. Now that you don't have any luggage to worry about you could walk to the hotel and enjoy the sunshine, maybe not even go up to the room, just head straight to the beach, kick off your shoes and go barefoot. Maybe luggage is over-rated. Maybe you don't need that luggage after all. 

Thank you Jesus, for letting us lose our luggage and exposing our great room for improvement. Help us to let it all go, and start doing what's right, not what the world says is right, but what we know in our hearts is right. Help us find the truth. That the joy is not in the luggage. The joy is in the journey. And all that really matters is that the journey leads us to You. 

Sometimes Victory Requires Taking a Knee

 There are times in life when it's incredibly courageous to take a stand when few others will. Right now seems like one of those times and maybe it is. But there are also times in life when the most courageous thing to do is kneel. When everyone else is sitting, when everyone else is standing, when everyone else is fighting....what if we knelt instead? What if there's too much noise to hear the good news above the yelling but if you simply got down on one knee everyone in the room, maybe even everyone in the world, would hear what you had to say?

I think of St. Maximillian Kolbe who took a knee in anothers place in starvation bunker at a concentration camp. They were trying to kill Christianity by killing Catholic Priests. He didn't have social media or even a megaphone, but he took a knee and prisoners told and re-told that story and what God wanted to say that day is still being said around the world today. 

I think of a football player who has 10 members of the opposing team barreling right towards him who decides not to run, not to fight, but to take a knee instead, knowing the rules of the game will get him farther than he could get on his own. 

In fact, when I'm knocked down, I can only get up by first getting on my knee.

If you're looking at the world and wondering how we got here, or what can we possible do now, I think there are three different options. I think you can take a stand for what you believe to be right. I think you can sit and pretend it's all going to be fine and try to create your "new-normal". But I don't think either of those things are going to get you were you want to go. I think, the best thing we can all do, is courageously kneel.

And I don't mean on the football field or even in your own house. I mean coming together, in church at the foot of the cross. 

In a country and even a world that says "pick sides" we have to come together in our churches and say "all are welcome here" and we have to MEAN IT! 

In a world that says "some are better than others", we have to come to church and every single one of us kneel on the same level to the creater of the world, the same Father we share in common.

 In a world that says "only some voices should be heard, and only those who agree with us can belong", our churches must be blaring loud examples that EVERY soul- NO MATTER WHAT- is valued, loved, cherished. 

And here's the best part guys, it's that easy. There are no dramatic speeches to be made, there are no big capital campaigns, fundraisers, committees, protests, fights. Just come, as you are. Come take a knee with the rest of your brothers and sisters and you'll start seeing them again as your brothers and sisters. Come take a knee and be heard without saying a word. Come take a knee and let Him do your fighting for you and see you'll get further than you ever would have on your own. 

I don't have all the answers. I know there are a lot of complicated issues and I have a lot of strong feelings about a lot of them. A LOT is at stake. I'm not asking you to lie down or give up and I'm not saying do nothing. Quite the opposite. To start, I'm asking us to humble ourselves, and kneel along side someone who disagrees with us, maybe even hates us, because we agree on the most important thing: Jesus Christ is the only real true King. Christian churches, must be the places where all of us, no matter how we vote, how we look, what we wear on our face or what we think, ALL OF US can come together and kneel at the foot of the cross. 

If your church isn't this place right now it's time to make it that way and it starts with you. Show up. With a smile. And welcome someone else in. There will be a million reasons not to, some big obstacles and temptations to stay home. There's always going to be something and the devil is going to use every excuse in the book to keep you away because he hates it when we're all together the way God intended us to be. You've got a lot of great reasons to stay away, but come anyway, with a humble heart, take a knee, and see what happens.

"Beloved: Everyone who believes that Jesus is Christ is begotten by God, and everyone who loves the Father loves also the one begotten by him. In this way we know that we love the children of God when we love God and obey his commandments. For the love of God is this, that we keep his commandments. And his commandments are not burdensome, for whoever is begotten by God conquers the world. And the victory that conquers the world is our faith." 1 Jn 5:1-4

His commandments aren't burdensome. They are life-giving. And that life is waiting for you each Sunday, each day if you choose it. Will you take a knee along side me? There's some of God's beauty you just can't see when you're standing.

Just Around the Corner

It was a big, tall, fun - but scary -  waterslide for a three year old boy. His siblings were flying down it over and over again having a blast and he wanted to join the fun, but after he climbed all the way to the top of that big staircase, he wouldn't get on the slide and started to cry. It was just too scary to do alone. "I'll catch you!" I promised. "No" he said firmly with fear in his eyes. I climbed the stairs and brought him down. He spent the next hour playing on the smaller slides in the shallower water. The next day, we returned and again the others were having so much fun. "Do you want to try it?" I asked again? "I'll catch you." "No" he said slowly thinking it over. "What if mom goes with you and you sit on my lap?" His eyes lit up, and he took my hand and we walked together to the stairs. At the top, he didn't hesitate for a second to sit on my lap and away we went, his shrieks of glee filling the whole place. "Again!" he cried at the bottom. Over and over again I made the trip taking him. Finally, I said, "I need a break, but do you want to go by yourself and I'll catch you at the bottom?" This time, the eyes didn't get fearful but lit up with confidence, as he shouted an excited OK! and ran off to climb the stairs. He checked on me at the top, to be sure I was still there at the bottom. I promised him again I was. And then I waited. And waited. And waited. And just when I was starting to wonder if he had lost his nerve, there he came around the corner, smile as big as I've ever seen it. Eyes glowing with pride, both so happy to see me at the bottom where I promised I would be, and so proud of himself for doing it alone. 

Three years ago, this tiny boy entered our lives when he came as a surprise bio-sibling to one of our kids and we were already pretty overwhelmed. We gave a small and very scary "yes" that you can read about if you click that link. I think the first day we could hardly believe we ever for a second thought of not saying yes, his tiny fingers and toes, his beautiful eyes, his perfect image of our very own God. Why would we even consider saying no to such a gift? The weeks and months went on, and he grew to know us as his family, and we loved him so. 

But there was rarely a month that went by that fear of not being able to protect him crept in. Times when we were told he would be leaving in 24 hours. Times when he would return from visits hungry and inconsolable. Times when we would again sit in the back of courtrooms while others discussed the future of the boy we were raising. Some of them hadn't even met him. They didn't even know his real name. 

This is why people say "No". The heartbreak of loss of someone you love as your own. The fear of what might happen to someone now that you have given them your heart. The impossible scenario that after 13 months someone might come pick up a little boy who is sure you are his mom, and leave him in an abusive home and you would be left to figure out just how to keep on breathing. That someone would say because you are not his mom on paper you should just let go. That someone who didn't know him and didn't know his birth parents, would pretend that they did, and that they knew what was best. That we would face the most broken we had ever seen the system, 

 I held my children as they cried every night missing the boy they had come to love as their baby brother. I watched his biological sister who had blossomed over the year with her brother living with her, fold her petals back in and close up, hurt and afraid to trust once again. I saw the strongest man I know completely broken. I watched my kids throw tantrums and get angry over the tiniest things. I saw them afraid that maybe they would be taken away too.  I watched us all crumble, because we missed him, but even more because we all knew he missed us. Because he was being hurt, he was taken from his family, and not even allowed to visit. We've known loss, but knowing your child is hurting and thinks they have been abandoned, that is crippling. Minutes felt like hours as I imagined and tried not to imagine what he might be going through or feeling.

I don't like telling this story, because I know its exactly the reason people say they "could never do foster care." But I have to tell it, because it's exactly why you should. 

After a lot of advocating, we finally got to visit him after almost 2 months. We saw him a few more times over the next few months. It was so hard to say goodbye. It was so hard to see how he too was withdrawing in, keeping his emotions hidden. It was hard to see how he was not developing as he should have been. The end of the visit was always the worst, he would cry out and reach for us and for the first time I would see him, he would let his guard down and look at me believing surely this time I would take him with, I wouldn't walk away again. I was destroyed every single time. I'd cry the whole way home. I'd pray. I didn't understand. That line from a song "New again" echoes over and over as in the lyrics Mary prays: "Father, how can this be your will, to have my son and your son killed?" And I would choke out the same prayer, Father, how can this be your will for my son, and your son? I couldn't see it yet.

This ride is scary. This big, tall, giant life that I can't see the end of until I get there, seems too terrifying sometimes that we won't ever get on. But what if He goes with you? When we know we are riding on our Fathers lap, its easier to jump on. Over many many losses of our biological children and of our foster children, I have deeply felt the presence of my Father carrying me through. Sometimes though it feels like we go alone. This time, for the most part I have felt very alone. Why does He withdraw when we need him most sometimes? Sometimes it's sin that makes us feel separated from God. Sometimes, it's so we can grow. I think the same reason I wanted my little man to go down the slide himself, the same reason you let go of your child's hand when they are learning to walk.  So they can learn what they are capable of. Of course we need God and we always want him to be close, and He always IS close. But sometimes when we don't feel Him, when we don't see Him, it's not that He has left us, but that He is letting us try it on our own.

It wasn't pretty, the last three years. It was quite ugly in our house and we saw some new sins we didn't realize were there. We saw again how much we tie up our hope in this world and not the next. We saw how little our faith really was. But we also saw, when the dust all cleared, we did have faith. We did keep breathing. We did keep going. We did find a way to trust that God would take care of him even if we couldn't see how. And just when we finally stopped holding on so tightly and surrendered it all....he came back.

He came for an overnight visit, the first one since he left 11 months before. It was so wonderful, and so hard, and I kept trying not to think about how I would say goodbye at the end of the weekend. And I never had to. A phone call from a social worker in his county said a new case was open and that led to him being allowed to stay with us. God took care of him, to align that social workers visit completely unknown to us on the ONLY weekend he was staying with us. Living in another state, we might not have even known that he had been placed in foster care again, but because he was with us when it happened he was able to just STAY. Another year whirlwind of ups and downs and fears and threats to move him out of state and court hearings postponed and timelines extended and so many fears again of not being able to protect him but in the end he was safe.  This month, three years later, we finally sat before a judge, behind masks and shields and glass barriers but souls raw to the world. Here is our little boy, who we have given our family for. Here is a little boy who has spent the majority of his life with us and knows us as his parents. Here is a boy who tore our hearts in a way we had never imagined. Here is a boy whose smile could brighten the room and whose hugs and kisses and beautiful brown eyes are the definition of love.  Here a judge again will decide and needs to hear if we have love for and a bond with this little boy and I simply say "yes" but I could say "Your Honor,  our love for him has almost destroyed us."

So why am I telling you all this? Why would this possibly be what you need to hear? Because I would do it all over again in a heartbeat. Because even knowing how the way losing him would almost destroy our family, I would still say yes, and I hope you will too, because he is worth it. Because he needed our family to love, and our family needed him even more. Because you might miss out on the greatest joy, your greatest calling, just because you are scared. Because Jesus loves us so much He DID let it destroy Him, and He said we were worth it and that wasn't the end of the story. 

I don't know what hard things you are journeying through. I don't know if you can see the light at the end of the tunnel, if you feel you are sitting safe in the Fathers lap or if you feel very, very alone on a ride that doesn't seem to ever come to an end. Or maybe you are still standing at the top of those stairs trying to muster up the courage to jump on that slide. I do know and will never be able to forget the smile on my little boys face when he came around the corner of that slide and saw me standing there, waiting for him just like I promised him I would be. It's the same smile I want you to have when you come into the Kingdom, when you can say "I DID IT!" when you can see Him standing there, right where He promised He would be. 

Today a meditation from St. John Henry Newman said "Therefore I will trust him. Whatever, wherever I am, I can never be thrown away. If I am in sickness, my sickness may serve him; in perplexity, my perplexity may serve him; if I am in sorrow, my sorrow may serve him. My sickness, or perplexity, or sorrow may be necessary causes of some great end, which is quite beyond us".  We can't always see what He's doing but I pray for the faith of this great saint who said "Let me be your blind instrument. I ask not to see. I ask not to know. I ask simply to be used."

If you have faith enough to get on the ride, to trust Jesus with your life and walk in his ways, then I can promise you He will be standing there when your ride is through. But you will enjoy the ride a whole lot more if you trust in that promise even when you can't see. He (heaven) is just around the corner. It has to be. You have to live like it is, or you will miss the point all together. The other ride is scary, there's no body waiting at the bottom to catch you and you can't swim. That ride would be fearful the whole entire way. Believe this Christmas. Not in Santa or family or whatever other nice things they are putting on Christmas cards these days. Believe in a God who loves you so much it destroyed him, and he would do it all over again in a heartbeat. Believe He wants you to get on that ride, and He promises He'll be there to catch you at the end, and I hope I'm there to see your smile when you come around the corner. 

Stuck on Repeat

 As a mom I've often felt my life could be summarized by the simple phrase: Wash, Rinse, Repeat. Of course, there's a lot more in there, like picking up toys, sweeping floors, playing with kids, helping with homework, changing diapers, scrubbing the toilet...but no matter which words I insert they all seem to be followed with "Repeat". Last week a dear friend offered to watch my kids so I could catch up on life. I went home to a disaster of a house, found a corner, and got started. First I had to "find" the floor by putting all the toys away, you know, in the room that my kids had "cleaned" the night before. (Remind me to get their eyes checked.) Then I start sweeping away dust and crumbs and fruit loops (and try to pretend I know when the last time was we even had fruit loops.) I shake the rugs and wash the floors and wipe the counters and scrub the toilets and wonder how in the world my bathroom tub can get so dirty when I just cleaned it three days ago. I watch the clock as I fold the last of a dozen loads of laundry I've run throughout the day. It's time to get the kids. I pause at the door and admire the clean space. Toys in their bins, floors that shine, a counter I can actually work on, clothes folded neatly in drawers. It's peaceful and so nice. Here is a house I want to live in, one I want to spend time in, one I enjoy. Here, hidden under all that clutter and dirt and mess, is where I wanted to be all along. But every mom knows the phrase "take a picture, it'll last longer"  had to originate from a mom who just cleaned any room in her house and stood there admiring it. By the next day, all the work that I have done is pretty much destroyed. The toys are again strewn all over the house even hours after being picked up. The laundry that is folded so neatly in drawers will be in the hamper again tomorrow needing another wash. I unload the dishwasher only to immediately fill it right back up again. The crumbs I sweep under the table will be there again in different form after the next meal. Repeat, repeat, repeat. Everything I do all day long needs repeating it seems. There is a lesson in this I think. Why does so much in life repeat? What is it again about doing things over and over and over again? Practice makes perfect? Maybe, but with 9 kids that come and go I've done more laundry than most and I still don't feel any good at it and my children's stained clothes can attest to that.  

It's not just cleaning though, where I've noticed this "repeat" in my life. Its situations. It's conflict. It's struggle. Personality types I struggle with whose paths God keeps crossing with mine. Situations that require trust in God.... Stuck on repeat for sure. Conflicts I think are long over....Here we go again. 

I thought we were past this, I will say to myself, (because I'm the only one that will listen to me whine anymore.) I thought I learned this lesson and moved on. I have been here before, wasn't that enough? I have climbed this mountain, overcome this sin, been through this struggle before, God, why must I do it again? Oh yes, there is one other that will still listen to me whine. And to Him I suppose I must sound like I'm asking why in the world I have to fold one more load of laundry or wash yet another dish. 

Have you been in this place? Feeling like you are stuck on repeat? Have you rolled your eyes miserably at a full laundry basket that you had just emptied the day before and wondered if it will ever end? Have you prayed hours and hours for an outcome and finally gotten it, only to find yourself now praying again the same prayers? 

Here we are again, I have felt so many times in this last year. Facing the same fears we thought we overcame. Fighting battles we thought we had put behind us. Why are we just repeating these cycles? And then, when I look at how everything in life repeats, why does it surprise me?

The seasons change, Fall, Winter, Spring, Summer, repeat. People grow old and die, new life is born, repeat.What is the lesson?

We tend to want to complete tasks. Finish. I would love to have all my laundry done and stay done for a good long while. But it doesn't work that way. We would like to mend a relationship and for it to stay that way for a good long while, forever even. But it doesn't seem to work that way. Relationships take work, ongoing work, or they fall apart. And this work, this compromise and crashing in to each other and figuring out how to live with each other and get along and even work toward a common goal together, it all grows good virtue in us. It makes us better, holier, if we let it. It can make us worse too, if we turn to the wrong solutions or stop trying at all. But if we trust, that we've been asked to "do it again" and again and again we might see that God has a reason. That He is working something out in our heart, bending it more into the perfect heart it's supposed to be.

A couple weeks ago my littles' wanted to go for a walk. I usually have an agenda when we go for a walk, somewhere we need to be in a certain amount of time. But this time we set out with no where in particular to go and no need to get there in a hurry. So they climbed in and out of the stroller, we stopped every three steps for drinks of water, to check out a rock, or catch a grasshopper. On a normal walk this would have driven me insane. But since them enjoying this walk was the only goal, there was no need to hurry them along. 

I have a lot of big plans for this life. A lot of things I want to do, a lot of really good work for the glory of God. But I am unfortunately misled if I think any of those big plans I have, no matter how good they may seem, are really why I am here. Does God have work for me to do here? Absolutely. But just as in the raising of my children, the big things matter, but the little things, the things I repeat over and over and over again, like saying "I love you", reading books at bedtime, giving hugs, always offering forgiveness, being kind, these things matter more. I can spend all kinds of time and money remodeling my house but I'll never be able to enjoy it if I don't ever sweep the floor or take out the trash.  If I do big things for the community, but I don't show compassion or love to the people in the community each time I interact with them, I may get where I wanted to go, but look back and realize I missed the whole purpose of the walk. 

These things on repeat, these relationships that still need attention, this one hundredth opportunity to offer forgiveness, understanding, the benefit of the doubt, this is the good stuff of the journey. It's slowing us down, absolutely. We aren't going to get to where we want to be nearly as quickly as we would have liked. And maybe that's ok. Maybe His timing is perfect and all these stops and repeats are just what we need to become perfect as well. 

One of these days, maybe I will stop rolling my eyes at dishes piled up on the counter and the latest conflict in my email in box or on the tv screen. One of these days maybe I'll start seeing them as what they are: blessings. Because not only do they re-make me, they remind me just what I am here for. Often, I am back here on repeat once again so I can see one more time when I fall short, I can rely on Him. That whatever I am facing, He is in control of it, and I need only to give the situation to Him and trust Him with it. Conflict, worry, struggle, I will fail all of them on my own, but relying on Him I will not only find a grace-filled outcome, I will come face to face with grace itself. The presence of God with us. It's here, in these hard places, on repeat, where He is found. So yes, that 15th load of laundry for the day and that difficult phone call you have coming up, they are a blessing because they are an opportunity to be with God and trust Him. And we might find, underneath all that dirt and struggle we've been avoiding is in fact a peace-filled soul that we've been striving for all along. We might pause and realize we could settle in and enjoy who we are right here where we've been all along. We might just like our own selves for a change if we started looking for the best in our brothers and sisters. But seriously, take a picture, because you'll crash into another situation soon and have to start all over again. Wash, Rinse, Repeat. 

One of these days, maybe we'll all start to see this walk is a lot more about walking hand in hand with our Father AND our brothers and sisters, than it is about going a certain direction or getting anywhere in particular. Because if I've said it once I've said it a million times (and I hear Him whisper it to back to me each time): could you please just get along with your brother?